Extremely Heartbroken and Desperate for Advice

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I met my boyfriend almost 4 years ago when I was a senior in college. He was best friends and roommates with a good friend of mine from work. We became friends and after a couple months of hanging out, we fell in love.

 

About 2 months after we started dating, I graduated and moved back to where I was from and he, who had been in out of community college, decided to move back to his hometown to work.

 

Despite the long distance, we managed to keep the relationship alive. He only lived about 2 ½ hours away so we saw eachother every other weekend and talked every night on the phone. After doing the long distance thing for 6 months, he decided to move to my hometown to be with me. It just made sense for him to do this since I had a college education and a good job in my hometown and he didn’t really have anything but odd jobs in construction or retail or restaurants.

 

He moved into my apartment with me and everything was amazing for a while. Then the fact that he didn’t seem to have any focus or career goals started to really get to me. We started fighting a lot and by the time our 3 year anniversary came around, we were on the rocks. One night, after a particularly bad fight, we decided to cool things off for a while. Since he lived in my apartment and had never really made a lot of connections to people in the town, he decided that the best thing would be for him to move back home with his family.

 

He spent the next couple days packing up stuff and we talked a lot and left things on really good terms. We both believed that things would work out eventually, we just needed some time apart. When he left, I missed him but I was okay and I knew that if we were meant to be, we’d be together again.

 

I spent the next couple months enjoying my single life. I went out a lot with girlfriends and I dated a couple different people but I didn’t really find a connection with anyone so I started to feel pretty lonely. (My town is notorious for its lack of young professional guys hence why I imported my out-of-town boyfriend in the first place). One weekend, he asked if he could come visit me. I knew this might be self-destructive but we had been talking on the phone for a while and I really missed him and wanted to see him.

 

He came back and we had a long talk and he told me that he had realized in his time away from me that he only wanted me, that I was the only woman for him and that he couldn’t imagine his future without me. He wanted to marry me and that if I gave him some time, he would prove to me that he could be the man I needed.

 

So we started back up again and everything was going really, really good until he decided to move with some friends to a different city. I was a little upset because the friends he was moving with were notorious partiers and I knew that drinking all night and hanging out at the beach was not going to get him any closer to his goals, especially since he self-admittedly had a drinking problem. Eventually he came to his senses and removed himself from the self-destructive situation. He decided to move back to his hometown, save up for a couple months and then move back to be with me.

 

When he moved back, everything was great. I was able to talk to him everyday again, we visited and had amazing times together. It was like the beginning all over again and I had never been so happy. We decided that he’d stay there about 3 months or so and then he’d move back and we’d get engaged. I was thrilled and I had my whole life planned out. Then last night, the bottom dropped out on me. I found out through the friend that introduced us (our mutual best friend) that while my boyfriend was living with his friends a couple months ago, he had slept with someone.

 

I confronted him about it and he admitted it and said that it was a one-time thing and that he had been drunk beyond belief and that it would never happen again. He was extremely distraught about it and crying and freaking out. I was shocked…the fact that he would cheat is completely out of character for him. He is extremely thoughtful and sensitive and has always been really shy around girls. He’s always had his share of problems but he always treated me amazingly well and I never thought in a million years he would cheat on me.

 

I don’t know what to do now. It makes me feel slightly better that he did remove himself from the situation and he has been attending AA meetings regularly for the past month in order to get his drinking under control so that he won’t ever be drunk enough to make a mistake like that again. But on the other hand, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him again. I’m just so upset because my whole future was wrapped up in this man! I’m in the middle of buying a house and we were supposed to be getting married and living in it together. Does anyone have any advice?

[The_Analyzer]

Sounds like you have your act together, but that he does not. Ask yourself these questions. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone you feel you can't rust? Will you always be wondering what he is doing? Not only that, but sounds like you want a person that is independent and stable such as youself. I don't think he wants that right now. He may never want that, some people don't. Maybe you should move on and make that clear to him. You could tell him you love him but that you think he has some growing up to do, and maybe one day there will be a chance for you all. Also let him know though, that you will not wait around on him to get his act together. Good luck.