Losing Interest Now, IS THIS NORMAL? PLS HELP ME!

[katie79]

My bf and I agreed to get engaged by Sept. 1st. He bought the ring already. Except now he changed his mind and said he'd give it to me at X-Mass and considers a 2007-2008 wedding. When I told my friends and family this they told me to end it with him. We have been together 4 years almost and for about 3 1/2 of them, he has been telling me out of his own will ( i never brought up engagement or marriage) that he was going to give me a ring within the next 6 months and so on as the time finally came; he kept postponing it. He brought up getting married out of his own will this weekend and was going into detial about our wedding. I told him to pace himself and wait until we get engaged, that's when he told me he wanted x-mas. He keeps doing this. I dumped him the next day telling him he has been giving me false promises throughout our relationship. I asked him to be honest if he wasn't ready and he said he was and thought it was "about time" we got engaged since we've been together so long. We are back together with the promise that he would stick to his word that we will be engaged by Sept 1st and married by Spring 2006. If he breaks this again, I don't want to be with him. This is the LAST TIME he fails to stick to his word---especially when he had the opportunity to bail. To be honest, I am not interested in "getting engaged" to him anymore. Now it just seems boring and un-fun. The magic of it sort of died (for me). I really don't care if it happens at this point and I feel little motivation to go on with him. Is this bad? Any advice.

THIS MAN IS 30 and I am 25. We have been seriously dating for 4 years.

[YellowLioness]

I remember your first posts on this, girlie. You were upset then, and he broke your agreement, again. He doesn't seem like he's willing to keep his promises to you.

 

I think his actions are really unfair to you, especially since he knows how much this means. Engagement is a far cry from actual married life; it makes me wonder why he is unable to commit to you.

 

Four years is a long time to wait for someone. You have no guarantee that he's even going to get engaged to you this Christmas.

 

If I were you, I'd back off of the relationship. If you dont' want to end it, then tell him you want to start seeing other people casually. It may be the wake-up call that he needs.

 

Also, he may feel the same way you do about the sparkle going from the relationship. That may be why he's so hesitant.

 

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to get engaged when he promised that he would?

 

 

 

Personally, it sounds like you could do better then that guy.

[katie79]

That's probably good advice. The actual relationship spark is not gone. My father said the other day his eyes light up when he sees me. His parents say how in love he is with me. I know in my heart the "spark" is there. The problem is he postpones the actual "engagement" until later. I have already went through a number of reasons (with him) why he wont keep his word, not ready, scared, not inlove, waiting to find someone else, etc. But your advice is good. I should probably start to see other people now. Pitty too, a cute guy asked me out last week! If only I knew he was full of it then! Guess I'd better accept the next guy that asks me out who I like. Thanks for the advice and the vote of confidence. Some people on here have been telling me what a "nagging girlfriend" I am. But I guess throughout my posts, you get an idea of how well this relationship is moving forward after 4 years! Hope another guy I like who has potential will ask me out soon.

[binturong]

We were together for 5.5 years before we got engaged, but I can tell you this...I wouldn't have stuck around if he was promising engagement without following through for 3 years. I could live with the whole "I'm not ready yet" reason, but it sounds to me like he's stringing you along. Will you really leave him if he doesn't propose on Sept. 1st? And are you okay with a 2 year long engagement, with the opportunity for him to postpone the wedding even longer? Sounds like you guys are still in love, though, so is it worth it to you to wait through his flip flopping back and forth on the whole thing? I guess what I'm trying to say is are you willing to stay with him as his girlfriend even if he truly isn't ready to be engaged or married right now?

[katie79]

no. I think 4 years is long enough to date someone without a commitment. That's just the way I feel personally. It seems most people do. However, you got engaged after 5 years. That's fine. Your situation could be different from mine as well. You both might be younger, problems with family could have held you back, you might have broken up here and there, one of you might have gone away for a while, or maybe your romance started off w/ no intense spark and it took a while longer than normal to build up. I'm not making a judgement on you, I'm sure you are both great people and in love, but I find long-term relationships like that are long like that for a good reasons, at least I know people who were in that type of relationship and they didn't get engaged until after 4 or 5 years for reasons like that. And YES, I am willing to walk away from him. Also I know if I don't stand my ground, he will take it for granted. The the next time a serious issue comes up, he wont take me seriously. I also feel after 4 years of being in love at age 30, if he's not ready now he never will be. I would end the relationship b/c I feel that I would prob meet someone else who can make a commitment to me.

 

Did you think a two year engagement was bad or too long?

[YellowLioness]

I agree; that's a good idea. You dont' want to wait forever, and you've given him a chance to prove to you that he can commit. He has shown you that he can't, so you can use this as a chance to move on guilt free. You are just doing what you said that you would do, and I'm proud of you for not backing down.

 

Poor guy; it's totally his loss. *shrugs* I know I don't think I could be as patient as you are.

[katie79]

Thanks! If he doesn't do this within 3 weeks like he agreed, he's GONE. besides, I don't see what difference it makes now if he feels he has to wait. He knows I want a Spring 2006 wedding which is just a little under two years away. It's not like I said I wanted the actual wedding within 3 months of our engagement or something! That I could understand his need to wait longer. I will def be in touch with the latest news---whether he does or he doesn't. If Iwere him, I would do it either this weekend or next. I wouldn't wait 'till I miss the boat. If he really didn't want to do this, he should never have bought the ring or let it get to this point. I already gave him the opportunity twice to tell me he's scared or not ready, which he said neither of those pertained to him. Let's see what happens in the next few weeks to come. I think time will tell us what will happen. But thanks guys for you help. I appreciate it! I will be in touch!

[binturong]

Good luck! I'm 26 and my DF is 29, but we got engaged in September of last year. The reason we waited was because we started going out while I was still in college, so I wouldn't have gotten married even if he had asked. I wanted to graduate, then be independant (ie. not rely on my mom to pay the bills) for a few years before starting a family. Our wedding is scheduled for October of this year. I tell you though, after 6 months of being engaged, I was ready to get married already. The reason our engagement is so long is because I needed the time...I'm designing and making my wedding dress, invitations, and favors. I would think if we had to wait two years, I would end up dragging him to Vegas just to elope and get married already. The reason I ask if you're okay with waiting on a two year engagement is that it just seems like more time for him to push the wedding back. I'd hate for him to pop the question, then leave you hanging for another 3 or 4 years the same way he's done with the engagement.

[katie79]

That's my fear. That he will do that and waste another year of my time. At this point I'm begining to lose interest completely. I know if I say I want a Spring 2005 wedding he'd flip. Also, I would have to start planning that ASAP since that's less than a year away! Now I'm just loosing interest in him entirely. It's getting boring and frustrating waiting for him to pop the question and worry-warting over what his next mistake will be in the supposed committment.

[binturong]

Do you think that being engaged will change your feelings about the relationship?

[katie79]

If he were normal, maybe. That's a tough question to answer. I would say we will see how it goes. But so far, he showed me nothing great. Continious "stalling" doesn't make me feel good. I feel no security in this relationship after what he said. He really blew the "magic" of getting engaged at all. It hurts me and makes me feel really embarassed. I'm more embarassed than hurt. I am tempted to end it with him now rather than wait the two or three weeks to feel like a bigger dope and have him find another excuse not to get engaged or to wait. I wish I would just meet another guy who would have no problem making a real commitment to me.

[spencer]

Originally posted by katie79

I am tempted to end it with him now rather than wait the two or three weeks to feel like a bigger dope and have him find another excuse not to get engaged or to wait. I wish I would just meet another guy who would have no problem making a real commitment to me.

 

 

Wait 'till sept 2nd. if he doesn't propose then leave. dont not give him the chance to show his true colors ...again.

 

it sounds like this relationship is doomed.

you could always see if he proposes on the 1st and turn him down.

tell him thanks but alittle too late

if its over ..its over.

[Mozart]

I can see how you would lose interest after all of his false promises.

 

Four years is a very long time with no commitment.

 

I commend you on your stance. You really do not deserve the run around.

 

On the other hand though, I don't know your boyfriend.. but perhaps he's planning something for you to make a special proposal... and just throwing you off track??

 

I hope you feel better.

[katie79]

...it doesn't happen by then, I break up with him and he tells me he was planning something wonderful that following weekend. Should I believe him or do you think from the sounds of it he is full of it? I'm just scared either I'll blow a wonderful proposal of his (like you think) and he'll wind up saying "You couldn't wait another few days after the deadline" or something along those lines

[YellowLioness]

Alright, so you give him until Christmas. Christmas comes and goes: he gets you a pretty necklace, but no ring.

 

The day after Christmas you dump him.

 

He comes crying saying how he was going to propose on New Years Day. However, you don't KNOW whether he would or not.

 

Likley outcomes point to a, "no."

 

How long are you willing to wait for him? If you have faith that he will propose on Christmas, and if you are TOTALLY sure, then sure, wait. I know I would. What's 6 months, anyway?

 

But, the time frame isn't the point, is it? It's the fact that he can't keep his word about it. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter how long you wait for him: you can't force him to propose to you.

 

I mean... I'm not you, and I'm not totally in your place, but this is how I'd look at it. Truthfully, you don't know when, or even IF, he's willing to get engaged to you. You've been waiting a long time on him, and he knows it.

 

If he has the ring, why does he keep putting the proposal off?

[katie79]

LOL Yellow! I guess from the sounds of all these threads, that sounds like something he'd do! But I am keeping everybody posted on the latest scoops. If I do get engaged, I'll announce it.

[YellowLioness]

:-)