Stuck Between A Rock And Hard Place

[pristine]

I need some honest opinions out there

I have been dating my current boyfriend on and off for almost two years. We have broken up several times and now we just came back from the beach and had a very good time with minimal arguments.

 

FYI the extent of this past relationship almost lead to marriage but he decided not too and left me hanging

 

Anyways he left his email open and I saw an email sent to his ex girlfriend that I asked him not to contact ever again because it wasn't on appropriate conditions.

 

It said he found some old pics of her in his stuff and I guess of them two together and wanted to see if she wanted them back, mind you they broke up over 5 years ago. And he also asked if her and her "new" man were married yet. I found that he wanted her to respond and didn't mention anything of us to her. I was trying to give him the benefit of doubt in my head but it is borderline weird and inappropriate. The email was bounced back for an email account not found but its still the principle . We have been thru this before but I really love him and we have been getting along great andI don't want to ruin anything

 

I dont want to be accused of snooping when it was brought to my attention by accident, trust has been in huge issue with him in the past, I try to be patient because this is his first real relationship and I have a lot more wisdom on a healthy relationship

 

Can someone give me some sound advice, I haven't confronted him yet and its hard to not keep my walls up, which I hope wont create friction in our relationship and eventually come out. I am worn out by confronting and fighting. Please let me know what you all think..

 

Thanks

Damsel in Distress

[YellowLioness]

Here is what you'll hear on here:

 

It's wrong to snoop... and yes, you snooped.

People can choose who they are friends with, whether you like them, or not.

 

You didn't find a single thing that was incriminating.

 

I'm buddies with all of my exes; we talk over IMs and e-mail. I don't always mention my BF. They know he's around; heck, I live with him. :-)

 

Are there other problems in the relationship that make you suspicious? Has he not been calling like he usually does? Has he been colder to you, lately? Made excuses not to see you when normally he would be over constantly?

 

If not, don't sweat it. :-)

[pristine]

Originally posted by YellowLioness

Here is what you'll hear on here:

 

It's wrong to snoop... and yes, you snooped.

People can choose who they are friends with, whether you like them, or not.

 

You didn't find a single thing that was incriminating.

 

I'm buddies with all of my exes; we talk over IMs and e-mail. I don't always mention my BF. They know he's around; heck, I live with him. :-)

 

Are there other problems in the relationship that make you suspicious? Has he not been calling like he usually does? Has he been colder to you, lately? Made excuses not to see you when normally he would be over constantly?

 

If not, don't sweat it. :-)

 

Well I appreciate a response from you, thanks

However I dont think someone in a committed relationship would not read an email that was open on a computer screen and just shake it off, I think alot of people are like that so I dont think I was snooping.

 

Maybe you dont understand the details at hand but I have no problems with him being friends at all however if this was an issue that was in the past and I asked him not to speak to her because I didnt see that there was a real innocent reason not too than I would have felt comfy with it.

I do not feel that asking to give back pics of the two of them as being appropriate especially after they havent been together for five years now and this was a highschool relationship. She has a new boyfriend which I found out doesnt really like the fact that they keep in touch either.

 

I am sure the exes you talk to know their boundaries only if you allow them to and things are hidden in the dark to your mate. Instead of confronting him today I casually asked if there were any emails to and from anyone here lately and he completely denied and said , you know I would tell you. That was a perfect opportunity for him to tell me about what seems to be such an "innocent" email.

 

During that time I told him we needed a break from each other, not breaking up but just like a day. I find that whenever that happens he does some stupid crap like this.... I wanted a break because he was talking very rude and mean to me for no reason whatso ever and he said he was just moody.

I am also friends with some of my exes, but they do not call my houseon a regular basis and we do not email each other regularly. My bf knows all about them and I keep nothing hidden when there is contact because I feel like there is no point in it and also I think its up to the other person to establish some type of security to each other.

 

Please let me know

 

Thanks

[Craig]

IMHO you were snooping even though you are in a committed relationship he is entitled to his privacy.

 

What information do you have that leads you to think a lot of people in a committed relationship would read an email that was open on a computer screen?

 

You are guessing that the pics are of them together but you haven't actually seen the pictures (according to your post) so why not give him the benefit of the doubt?

 

Maybe he didn't tell you about the email because he (a) forgot, (b) didn't think it was important, or © didn't want to get into a confrontation with you. It looks like you are setting the stage for a confrontation by giving him a perfect opportunity to tell you about the email. If you do confront him what will you say to him? That you disrespected his right to privacy because you felt a need to "protect" yourself? Have they been talking about getting back together?

 

Regarding talking to ones exes how can there be anything wrong with that? I am not talking about regular contact with exes or any kind of activity that would be considered a dating activity.

[YellowLioness]

I am sure the exes you talk to know their boundaries only if you allow them to and things are hidden in the dark to your mate

 

 

I'm not sure what you meant by this, but I don't hide anything from my bf. He knows I talk to my exes, and he's o.k. with it.

 

However, my BF used to snoop because of his insecurities, and it really made me mad. Journals and e-mail accounts are private property, IMHO.

 

I think that respect plays a large part in the way you handle the privacy of your mate. Respect, and trust.

 

 

 

If he has been acting strangely, then you have a right to ASK, but not to fish around in his private stuff.

[pristine]

Look within the quote for my response

 

Originally posted by Craig

IMHO you were snooping even though you are in a committed relationship he is entitled to his privacy.

 

I really dont care if it was snooping or not at this point, the point at hand was that I found the email.

 

What information do you have that leads you to think a lot of people in a committed relationship would read an email that was open on a computer screen?

 

I see it all the time, thats really how one usually finds out the other is cheating and that is the stumble across something unusual, would hiring a PI be called snooping too, no I dont think so.

 

You are guessing that the pics are of them together but you haven't actually seen the pictures (according to your post) so why not give him the benefit of the doubt?

 

The email states that they are of them two, no why would she want something of them years down the road when she is in another relationship and why would he ask if she was married yet... This has been a problem in the past which I dont think is innocent by any means, why wouldnt he tell me if he knows he has been dishonest with me in the past certain things like this if it were innocent.

 

Maybe he didn't tell you about the email because he (a) forgot, (b) didn't think it was important, or © didn't want to get into a confrontation with you. It looks like you are setting the stage for a confrontation by giving him a perfect opportunity to tell you about the email. If you do confront him what will you say to him? That you disrespected his right to privacy because you felt a need to "protect" yourself? Have they been talking about getting back together?

 

He knows how important being honest with me is, considering that was one of our relationship problems, being an open book is not a bad thing in a relationship. I casually brought it up and he yet denied again. I said have you emailed or spoken to any ex girlfriends or have they contacted you, he said no I would tell you. What will I have to loose if I did confront him , nothing--being that you do not know extensive history between us , I guess you would think that these things would be out of the ordinary. There is no room for confrontation if one is honest to begin with.

 

Regarding talking to ones exes how can there be anything wrong with that? I am not talking about regular contact with exes or any kind of activity that would be considered a dating activity.

 

I dont have a problem with talking with exes, my current boyfriend knows about it though, which is the huge difference between this incident and the ones in the past

[pristine]

response in quote

Originally posted by YellowLioness

I'm not sure what you meant by this, but I don't hide anything from my bf. He knows I talk to my exes, and he's o.k. with it.

 

Ok that is fine, thats the difference between your relationship and mine, I didnt know about it, he has a problem being honest with me that is what leads to my current insecurities which anyone would have.

 

However, my BF used to snoop because of his insecurities, and it really made me mad. Journals and e-mail accounts are private property, IMHO.

 

well he gave me permission to look in his email once upon a time and I even had the passwords to his accounts as he did with mine, so is it still private property then?

 

I think that respect plays a large part in the way you handle the privacy of your mate. Respect, and trust.

 

I do respect his privacy but when seeing an open email to an ex doesnt one get curious and not read it , especially if its too a girl that you all had problems with in the past.

 

 

 

If he has been acting strangely, then you have a right to ASK, but not to fish around in his private stuff.

That is answered up above.

[Hurt]

You should read my story its in search, type in HURT, there is nothing wrong with talking to ex's, BUT not on a regular basis! my gf was going to his house and lied once about it, there are boundries as long as they are not demanding, but if you are not comfortable, then the ex should be told about you, that way the boundries are set, maybe even meet the ex once. Everything should be above board.

[YellowLioness]

You're right. My relationship is not yours. I'm sorry if I offended you, I was just using my life as an example to get across what I was saying.

 

If you have a big problem with this ex, and if you have reason to believe that she may want your man back, then by all means tell him that you know of the e-mail.

 

He knows you have his password, right?

 

If this is the case, then you have no reason to be ashamed of asking him why this girl is e-mailing again.

 

If this girl is a big problem for you, then its up to your boyfriend to take care of it. I definately believe that people should be friends with their exes, but not if it jeopardizes the relationship that is current.

 

If he knows this girl is trouble, he should respect your wishes regarding her. You should be what's important to him, not her.

 

I have exes that I can't speak to because of this problem, as does my boyfriend.

[Hurt]

Thank you, there is the present relationship and that is what matters most, there should be no reason to continue doing somthing if your partner gets hurt, that is if you are in fact commited.Breaking up with my GF is the hardest one thing I have done, it hurts everyday every moment I am awake, but I could no longer feel the way I felt, these things cause insecurity and hurt, the past relationship is over, why risk the new one? at least give it a chance? The ex nedds to be told that he or she is in a good relationship and they need to not communicate for a time, I always wondered what the ex's GF was feeling, Hidden agendas can suprise this type of behaviour, two people who have lived together and were going to be married has got many danger signals! Unless each is honest with each other and the partners all agree.