Email from ex-MM's wife

[Pierre]

Oh my lordy! Ignore, ignore ignore! She seems a little unhinged

 

And her husband is major unhinged!

 

I would find a way to block all communications from this highly unbalanced couple.

[Spark1111]

Low self esteem.

 

He is a Jehovah's Witness. He had been an elder in the religion before entering into our affair. He had left the religion several years before I met him (not sure why). He took it up again after our A, and now he quotes biblical reasons for all of it.

 

I will never understand how it can be okay when you are 'taking a vacation from it' but then all of a sudden the rules are in play. And if you are taking a vacation from it, apparently all you have to do is say I'm sorry, or whatever, and just go right on.

 

He tried to talk me into the JW way once or twice... I am mainly agnostic so I was willing to give it a go... the result was that 1) they said I could not join the church since I divorced because my ex-H physically and mentally abused me (because the bible only allows divorce because of infidelity), and 2) because I am not homophobic. Oh, and 3) because as a physician I have seen a lot of lives saved because of blood transfusions! So I could not have become a JW even if I wanted to, because I was not pure enough for them. But I guess he was.

 

One would think I am an idiot. I hope I am not.

 

i am actually extremely familiar with this sect.

 

They interpret the Bible very literally; hence, if the bible disapproves, so do they. Their refusal of blood transfusions comes from the same chapters of Leviticus that define Kosher dietary law.

 

However, I do know for a fact, that if the church elders knew about you, he would most likely be disfellowshipped (banned) as punishment. That would be the ultimate humiliation for his wife too.

 

It could be the end of her (and their) social life. It may be why she capitulates. It is a very strict creed when it comes to behavior. She may have hope in her heart that NOW he will become a true Christian.

 

It is what they are taught.

 

Aye, yay, yay....stay away. You're no idiot. But the more I learn about them, and her, I'm just trying to explain or soften your stance towards her.

 

it explains a lot, at least to me.

[MissBee]

The end of the email said to me that she feels sorry for me that I did not have someone who loves me as much as her H loves her (I really can't argue with that, despite what ex-MM told me for his reasons, as he is with her and not me by his choice). She told me to stop "dangling myself" at ex-MM and if it did not stop she would make it stop (a threat?)

 

I don't know what ex-MM has told her and I know he lied to me and gaslighted me (and her) during the A. At this point I am really sorry I sent any communication to his W. I should have just let it go, but now this drama ensues and it kills me to ignore her email as if I am the one instigating this and not ex-MM. Yet replying will just continue the drama. I desperately wish I would not have sent that email.

 

What would you do? Would you reply to her?

 

Sorry this was long.

 

While I don't know what you said to her verbatim or her you, I think her response is one that many women in a relationship with a wayward man (be they the OW or BS) have. That is, a desire to prove to themselves or others that this person loves them and they are desirable and great, while greater issues are swept to the side.

 

It appears as though she is using this opportunity to convince you (and mostly herself it seems) of the greatness of her relationship and to also put you down....it doesn't really seem as if she has an interest in seeing where her husband is wrong.

 

I personally would not respond. I doubt at any time soon she will thank you or be empathetic or even realistic about the situation. And sadly, that's how it goes sometimes. You can give someone information but they choose to process it how they wish. Often in A scenarios, the OW will defend the MM no matter what or the BS will too. I remember when I was 17 and I was dating the only guy I knew cheated on me, I ended up speaking to the other girl and we initially planned to confront him, as I had shown her the proof we had indeed been together...the short of it was, on the day we planned to confront him she said she changed her mind and was going to stay with him. I was furious at her stupidity...then thought, good riddance! They deserve each other.

 

I don't think his wife, rightly or wrongly, is seeing you as someone done with the A who is sending her this so her H can leave you alone. She is still caught up in seeing you as someone who is after her husband and "dangling" yourself and it's bringing out the need to compete and perhaps her husband does make her feel unworthy or perhaps she has those kinds of issues from before, so a way to be validated is to remind herself of the idea of being loved and chosen. You can't do anything about that perception and further communication will not "convince" her otherwise. You know the truth of how you feel and why you did it and I think it is best to leave these two alone. Block their messages and if he calls you again tell him off and hang up or change your #.

 

BS's like OWs, are women...who some may have certain kinds of issues. Different people will respond differently. Some BS's see their Hs for who they are and what they've done and still want him but will thank the OW kindly, others see him for who he is and what he's done but will still despise the OW unevenly, and others completely blame the OW and can see no fault in their H. She may or may not always feel that way and maybe this is only a defensive response for now, or she may continue to see things this way forever. Whatever it is, it's her problem and his and not yours. /It seems as though that message was just cathartic for her and perhaps not even a real response to you, although aimed at you. I'd bow out now. You did the right thing IMO...even if she didn't respond as you'd have hoped.

[awkward]

If there is any way that you can drop off the face of the Earth to these people, then do it. Block, block, block. If he calls from a random number and you hear his voice, click hang up the phone. Don't reply.

 

You have worked through a lot of hurt and pain to get where you are now. You don't need anymore of his drama.

[Henni]

The end of the email said to me that she feels sorry for me that I did not have someone who loves me as much as her H loves her (I really can't argue with that, despite what ex-MM told me for his reasons, as he is with her and not me by his choice). She told me to stop "dangling myself" at ex-MM and if it did not stop she would make it stop (a threat?)

 

What would you do? Would you reply to her?

 

Hi Tenacity. There is no doubt you are indeed someone with Tenacity, btw. This part above - if it did not stop she would make it stop - this is a little hard for me to ignore. The woman seems quite delusional. She also seems to direct all the anger and blame at you - dangling yourself - for the current contact. In general I think you are also well rid of this pair, as do you, obviously, but I also think what she said IS a threat. That's hard to ignore, and possibly not wise? What happens if he continues to try to contact you and she finds evidence of this?

 

I thought about this before posting, because I don't like to be a fear monger, and I also don't think you deserve this grief or to have this pair in your head, but all things considered, I think this is worth being careful about.

 

I wonder if it might help the situation to reply very briefly, saying, I don't want contact with either of you, I thought sending the mail I received to both of you would end contact, I see that it didn't. I don't expect your forgiveness, but I ask that you tell me, what should I do with mails from your husband asking for friendship? I do not want friendship or any contact whatsoever with him. If you tell me what to do to stop all attempts to contact me, I will do that. I will wait two days for your response, then block all email addresses related to you and your husband. I am not and will not ever be interested in any form of friendship or otherwise with your husband. I wish you both happiness in your marriage.

 

It's just a thought. I'm really not sure myself, I just feel uncomfortable letting her go on thinking you're dangling yourself, considering the threat implicit in her mail....

[Tenacity]

Thanks so much for all of this. I have digested this all day.

 

I will -and have - blocked, blocked, and blocked them. I changed my emails and my phone numbers. We owned a business together and I changed all my contact information other than that, and I sold my half of the business to get out from under this. It will go through in another 6-8 weeks I am told. Argggh....

 

Thank you spark and others regarding the posts about the religion. I had studied up on it a lot since it was his religion so I know this too... I never agreed with all of it (or most of it). I asked him after we ended things, how he could go back to the congregation without being disfellowshipped given all that had happened, and he gave me a response saying that if people repent from their sinful ways and make an effort to change then they will not be disfellowshipped for past behaviors.

 

Yet I doubt that he told anyone of this and I really do not think he told his W of most of it (mainly our child).

 

I do feel badly for her too. If she had to deal with what I dealt with during those years, then it is perfectly understandable why she might be slightly crazy. When he was with me he accused me all the time of cheating on him. When we were in the affair... if I did not answer the phone by the third ring or God forbid let it go to voice mail then I was with another man. If I did not reply to his text messages very quickly then the same. I never cheated on him, never saw another man... although I was free to as I was divorced.

 

One time - I will spare the details of the fallout from this - I sent him a text message that started out with "Hon..." and my phone did an autocorrect for "Hon" to a man's name (I don't remember now... it was either Ron or Don) but he took it that I was communicating with another man and sent him the message by accident. I had to apologize for that for days on end before he would forgive it... even though he was wrong. I was an idiot.

 

 

He was the most jealous person I have ever met. At the end I wondered even if he was right - maybe I was really cheating on him? And that was truly the end for me because I knew I never did. It was so much gaslighting. I am even embarrassed at this point to think he caused that in me.

[Henni]

Thanks so much for all of this. I have digested this all day.

 

I will -and have - blocked, blocked, and blocked them. I changed my emails and my phone numbers. We owned a business together and I changed all my contact information other than that, and I sold my half of the business to get out from under this. It will go through in another 6-8 weeks I am told. Argggh....

 

Thank you spark and others regarding the posts about the religion. I had studied up on it a lot since it was his religion so I know this too... I never agreed with all of it (or most of it). I asked him after we ended things, how he could go back to the congregation without being disfellowshipped given all that had happened, and he gave me a response saying that if people repent from their sinful ways and make an effort to change then they will not be disfellowshipped for past behaviors.

 

Yet I doubt that he told anyone of this and I really do not think he told his W of most of it (mainly our child).

 

I do feel badly for her too. If she had to deal with what I dealt with during those years, then it is perfectly understandable why she might be slightly crazy. When he was with me he accused me all the time of cheating on him. When we were in the affair... if I did not answer the phone by the third ring or God forbid let it go to voice mail then I was with another man. If I did not reply to his text messages very quickly then the same. I never cheated on him, never saw another man... although I was free to as I was divorced.

 

One time - I will spare the details of the fallout from this - I sent him a text message that started out with "Hon..." and my phone did an autocorrect for "Hon" to a man's name (I don't remember now... it was either Ron or Don) but he took it that I was communicating with another man and sent him the message by accident. I had to apologize for that for days on end before he would forgive it... even though he was wrong. I was an idiot.

 

 

He was the most jealous person I have ever met. At the end I wondered even if he was right - maybe I was really cheating on him? And that was truly the end for me because I knew I never did. It was so much gaslighting. I am even embarrassed at this point to think he caused that in me.

 

It's amazing to read this - it's hard to imagine the person you describe yourself as here as the same person posting now. You've obviously come a very long way.

[veryhappy]

I'm not that surprised. My theory is that women get into As when they're already vulnerable. Tenacity described her exH as a bad situation. I believe relationships that leave us drained make us vulnerable to see the things we desperately needed for so long as a sign as a special R, and minimize another set of issues that we didn't have to deal with because we want to believe we found something unique and that will make the bad experiences fade. We all want to be happy, or at least not miserable.

 

If I see one reply on external validation, just know I might disappear for a while. I might faint...

Edited December 1, 2012 by cutedragon

[Tenacity]

Thanks

 

I was a mess, I will be the first to admit it. I was a strong woman but I somehow let this man come into my life and take all of my strength away. It is embarrassing now.

 

For a long time I had a really horrible time with my decision to go no contact with him. Now I want nothing more than for him to leave me alone.

 

I think it was you 2sure who asked how I would not get in this situation again. Several posts touched on that and I thank you. I can guarantee I won't. It might seem drastic but I am not interested in being in a relationship now or perhaps for a long time in the future. I need to be on my own and work on what makes me value myself. I don't want to be with other men. I just want to work on me And I made bad choices in men to be with long term in my life and I need to really think about that.

 

I have said it before but this site really did save me during some serious very low times. Some tough love that I needed and a ton of support, that I got nowhere else. From strangers. Wow.