Can you help a man in a emotionaly abusive relationship?

[kallabos]

Hello and Thanks for Reading my post!

 

I guess we will start by telling you a little about our background in this relationship. I have been with my wife for 6 years ( 2 years Dating ) (4 Years marriage). We have no kids together 1 each from previous relationships. When we met I was a very negative person as so was she, as they say misery loves company. I came from a broken home and she never knew her father and mother was abusive. She went from Foster home to Foster home, back to her mother ect... My father left when I was 12 years old, and I finished my childhood with my mother raising me.

 

As do when most realationships we started with a bang a couple months we were living together, things we great as are most at this time, back then I didn't look at some of the things like vaules, goals, compatiblity, I just thought of sex was good then thats all I needed. We got married then she felt confortable to release her true side as so did I.

 

Well she has been on Loratabs for a long time, as I write this she takes about 6 a day and buys them from the internet, because of this I have split out accounts up about a years ago. Which is alot of the problem in our relationship I know, but I won't hold that against her, she says she has a back problem, that no doctor has been able to diagnois (Siatica). She only finds faults or wrongs in everyone and refuses to see thier good side or anything good. Still Negative as when I met her.

 

As for me in the last few years I have changed alot, when I started changing, thats when things started falling down hill slowly but surley. I have taken many courses and many seminars to improve my finances, health, spirital, relationships, emotions, ect... thanks to the help of Tony Robbins and many others. Well long story short we have been going in two different Directions.

 

I still love her as a person and for her shortcoming unconditionaly, but how can a person live with somone who just doesn't care about anyone else's feelings ( I will elaporate on those next) ? How can somone live with somone who will never say they are sorry? How can somone live with somone who doesn't want to touch thier husband at all, and I don't just mean Sexulay? Is love not enough?

 

We had a argument recently 3 days ago, I have not been wearing my wedding ring, and she does not believe me when I tell her why, she has exused me of cheating but wouldn't come out and say it because of her pride. Her PRIDE is FIRST PRIORITY IN HER LIFE. I Told her I have not been wearing my wedding ring because I work out every day so I have to take it off in the morning so it doesn't get scratched, and I have lost over 25 lbs, and it don't fit anymore. Well anyhow that is the truth, we don't talk much about the little problems when they happen, because she won't share her feelings ever, and I hold them back cause when I share mine she blows up. So needless to say that night alot came out.

 

Our Sex Life has gone down hill each and every week, she only has sex with me out of Simpathy. I have a problem when I don't get it the only way she will give it to me is when I (Pought) get pissed off. Heck it is not even all about sex I just would like for my wife to touch me like she loves me. Saying she loves me and doing are two differnet things. She is on Anti Depressants, Loratabs, Zanax to sleep, ect....

 

Bad Points about her: 1. Takes Pills to get through life 2. Very Negative about life 3. Blames others for her problems 4. Emotional unavalible 5. No Sex Drive 6. Never Says she is sorry 7. Sees only the bad in people 8. Attacks me when I try to discusse my needs and problems in the relationship. 8. Holds gruges forever 9. Will not forgive 10. Too confortable 11. Unapriecitave I could go on but I wont...

 

Good Points : 1. Reliable ( always comes home don't feel she is cheating) 2. Has a good mother instint cleans the house asks if I am hungery ect. 3. We share some hobby of liking the computer 3. Dependable 4. Gets along with others ( talks laughs, just not with me) I feel bad but I cannot name anything else.

 

The other night I told her I did not like the fact that she doesn't want to touch me we lay in bed and don't talk watching tv we may be right there next to each other but mentaly we are miles apart, heck I feel like a woman because I would like to snuggle and just touch, I think that is just one of my needs is intimacy. She acts like a man would and when we have sex she just seems to want it over with ASAP. So it is sex and not love making.

 

When I told her how I felt she attacks me and calls me a child and I act like a child over and over, and how I do everything wrong ect... I have asked her to goto a counselor, she does not want to do that I have bought " Relationship Rescue" and listened to it, I ask her to listen and she says " you are always trying to get me to do somthing, Somthing always has to be wrong" I must admit I am the type of person now, that if it is not growing it must be dying. Well that night I asked her if she still loves me she wouldn't look at me when she said she " Loved me" so I said, " Look at me in the eyes and tell me you still love me" so she looked at me, and said in a harsh voice" I love you" with a evil look in her eyes. I tried to discuss our problems even more that night and she just lay there with Zanax flowing through her staring at the TV, so I said " Fine I am tierd of talking to a brick wall, I will sleep in the other room", a few minutes later she barges in and says" You know if your going to do this again I am on vacation this week we will just go see a lawyer and be done with this I am Sick of it all", I said " Ok"

 

She has always threatended our marrige, attacked me, never says she is sorry about anything, and nothing is her fault. The next day being the man of the house and what God would do I Forgave her for last night, I said to her, " I love you and I forgive you for last night and I forgive myself, for any attack I said to you about your negative qualitys" She responds with another attack. We havent spoke in two days and she still holding a grudge and has not appoligized.

 

Well I could go on and tell you more and more but this post is long enough and don't want you to get bored. I know what I need to do is get out of this marriage, looking for some support and some friends that may have been though the same thing. I am trying to get up enough courage to leave this marriage, she threatins it but never acts.

I know deep down inside, she cannot possibly love me, how can you love somone when you don't love yourself?

 

 

 

Thanks for any support!

 

Dan

[The_Analyzer]

If she is on meds for her negativity, can't say it is doing much good. However, I believe things can be salvagable, but she has to want it just as you do. I think its up to what you all are willing to do. Sit down and talk with her about how you feel, make sure she listens and that you listen to her as well. Ask her what she truly wants and if maybe if she would be willing to do some marriage counseling. I read about the good points and bad points of her, however, do not excuse inexcusable behavior. Meaning thats great she has alot of good qualities, but that the not so good ones need to be addressed too. Good luck.