OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 I unblocked xMM when I realized I was missing important pieces of a strategy discussion in one of our groups. I will NOT contact him, but dang it, every time I see his name pop up I want to wail. And now his face just popped up on my homepage since he tagged a picture of himself with one of our mutual friends. @$%&*#@$^ I guess it comes down to whether I can learn to deal with these reminders/emotions or whether I need to quit these interests. I wish he would quit instead. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Your organization uses Facebook for important strategy sessions? Take a moment and see if you are just bargaining with yourself. You can't move on until you try to move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Good god - block him and the group! I think you use any excuse to see what he's up to! Why are you interested in torturing yourself with more pain? You must have learned that as a child - most healthy people would CHOOSE not to ALLOW any form of staying connected. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 30, 2012 Author Share Posted November 30, 2012 Sunny, no I don't want to know what he's up to. He's reconciling and moving on, and that isn't going to change. I most certainly don't want to hear about that because I know it'll hurt more. This organization (not work-related) has been my passion for the past few years -- it's been a real bright spot in my life and I want to keep seeing it grow. Unfortunately that's how we met, and we're both equally invested. We shouldn't have to communicate with each other again, but I'm not sure how to compartmentalize so I can read his part in the discussion without the emotions. I'm guessing I'll have to sever ties eventually and deal with that loss, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Henni Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 I unblocked xMM when I realized I was missing important pieces of a strategy discussion in one of our groups. I will NOT contact him, but dang it, every time I see his name pop up I want to wail. And now his face just popped up on my homepage since he tagged a picture of himself with one of our mutual friends. @$%&*#@$^ I guess it comes down to whether I can learn to deal with these reminders/emotions or whether I need to quit these interests. I wish he would quit instead. That's hard - I wish he would quit instead too! But, it seems like right now, you may need to miss *some* important strategy discussions by blocking him. That's not necessarily quitting totally....I don't know how involved you are now or if you could work with others in the project without having to communicate with him, but perhaps? If this is a big part of your life and you have friends there, it seems hard to lose that support now, when you need it. Maybe you could define a sub-group to work on a particular part of the project independently? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Find a NEW passion that doesn't include him at ALL! Let go of everything that has to do with him - including any momentous you may still have! Create new beginnings!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 30, 2012 Author Share Posted November 30, 2012 That's hard - I wish he would quit instead too! But, it seems like right now, you may need to miss *some* important strategy discussions by blocking him. That's not necessarily quitting totally....I don't know how involved you are now or if you could work with others in the project without having to communicate with him, but perhaps? If this is a big part of your life and you have friends there, it seems hard to lose that support now, when you need it. Maybe you could define a sub-group to work on a particular part of the project independently? That's what I'm hoping, Henni, if I can stick it out. I'd like to build on things locally (he's not local), which should give me plenty to focus on and not so much with the state-wide stuff, which is where we would run in. But if I give up the strategy discussions now, I'm not sure I'd be able to take things locally -- it's a big tangled mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Henni Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Find a NEW passion that doesn't include him at ALL! Let go of everything that has to do with him - including any momentous you may still have! Create new beginnings!!! Well, OP needs boundaries to keep MM out of her life, sure, but, I don't think she deserves to lose her friends and interests right now too, unless there is no way to set boundaries without doing that. It's hard when two lives are so entwined, I think MM should cut his ties actually if he's serious about committing to his M, but since he hasn't, the question is whether OP can continue to have her interests and friends while maintaining NC. If that's not possible, then.....it's sad....but yes it seems cutting all shared activities is the only option. I personally find it selfish of MM not to bow out gracefully. If he won't do it, I guess you have to be the bigger person. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Well, OP needs boundaries to keep MM out of her life, sure, but, I don't think she deserves to lose her friends and interests right now too, unless there is no way to set boundaries without doing that. It's hard when two lives are so entwined, I think MM should cut his ties actually if he's serious about committing to his M, but since he hasn't, the question is whether OP can continue to have her interests and friends while maintaining NC. If that's not possible, then.....it's sad....but yes it seems cutting all shared activities is the only option. I personally find it selfish of MM not to bow out gracefully. If he won't do it, I guess you have to be the bigger person. She can't control him and what he may or may not do - she can only control what she does or doesn't do! IF I caused me pain to "see" someone's activity - I'd completely stay away from that connection - and create new beginnings! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Henni Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 That's what I'm hoping, Henni, if I can stick it out. I'd like to build on things locally (he's not local), which should give me plenty to focus on and not so much with the state-wide stuff, which is where we would run in. But if I give up the strategy discussions now, I'm not sure I'd be able to take things locally -- it's a big tangled mess. Would it be possible to send a message to the local game players only, asking them to meet to discuss strategy? That way, he's not involved, one of them can take it to the state level for any coordination, and you get an update on the game plan without having to run into him? Don't know the details, maybe that's too complicated, but maybe not? Link to post Share on other sites
Henni Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Would it be possible to send a message to the local game players only, asking them to meet to discuss strategy? That way, he's not involved, one of them can take it to the state level for any coordination, and you get an update on the game plan without having to run into him? Don't know the details, maybe that's too complicated, but maybe not? If they agreed, you could even appoint one of the local people as the state liason, so it's officially their job and he has no excuse for contacting you on strategy, and vice versa. Maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
Henni Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 She can't control him and what he may or may not do - she can only control what she does or doesn't do! IF I caused me pain to "see" someone's activity - I'd completely stay away from that connection - and create new beginnings! I can understand that point of view, but maybe being proactive to see if it's possible to maintain that interest and circle of friends OP has invested in while maintaining NC and blocking MM is not a bad thing to try before losing an important part of her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 30, 2012 Author Share Posted November 30, 2012 Well, OP needs boundaries to keep MM out of her life, sure, but, I don't think she deserves to lose her friends and interests right now too, unless there is no way to set boundaries without doing that. It's hard when two lives are so entwined, I think MM should cut his ties actually if he's serious about committing to his M, but since he hasn't, the question is whether OP can continue to have her interests and friends while maintaining NC. If that's not possible, then.....it's sad....but yes it seems cutting all shared activities is the only option. I personally find it selfish of MM not to bow out gracefully. If he won't do it, I guess you have to be the bigger person. He did at least bow out of our group of friends within the larger group that meets up often -- I'll give him that. So casual contact is gone, which was definitely necessary. I'm confident in setting physical boundaries, but emotionally I'm still all over the place. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 He did at least bow out of our group of friends within the larger group that meets up often -- I'll give him that. So casual contact is gone, which was definitely necessary. I'm confident in setting physical boundaries, but emotionally I'm still all over the place. Is his game so important that it takes precedent over your emotional well being? Link to post Share on other sites
Henni Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 He did at least bow out of our group of friends within the larger group that meets up often -- I'll give him that. So casual contact is gone, which was definitely necessary. I'm confident in setting physical boundaries, but emotionally I'm still all over the place. Well, it might be possible to maintain the local group later, and maybe it helps to consider that it's not a closed door, but if you are emotionally all over the place, then definitely blocking him again on 'spacebook' seems necessary to give your head space. Eventually those messages won't have so much of an effect on you, but too early now perhaps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 30, 2012 Author Share Posted November 30, 2012 If they agreed, you could even appoint one of the local people as the state liason, so it's officially their job and he has no excuse for contacting you on strategy, and vice versa. Maybe? Down the road, hopefully. But right now I'm the person trying to take the larger strategy locally, like he is in his area. I think I can learn to deal with us both being tied to the hub without being tied to each other. I just have to get so that lump leaves my throat every time I see his name. Link to post Share on other sites
Henni Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Down the road, hopefully. But right now I'm the person trying to take the larger strategy locally, like he is in his area. I think I can learn to deal with us both being tied to the hub without being tied to each other. I just have to get so that lump leaves my throat every time I see his name. I send you a hug, OMWF. I have a slight lump in my throat reading this post myself. At the risk of sounding like a total basket-case, I found reading emails from my AP out loud with silly voices, like ham acting, monty python style, somehow took the emotional power out of the words. I also felt better because it was so ridiculous it made me laugh while crying. Don't know how to do that with pictures though. In the end, you know whether it's really impossible for someone else to be the liason for you, or if it's not. Just throwing those ideas out there, partly because it distracts me from my own situation, and partly because I know being down tends to make things look more black and white, and obscure possible solutions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted November 30, 2012 Author Share Posted November 30, 2012 Is his game so important that it takes precedent over your emotional well being? If I didn't feel so good about it *apart* from him, no. But taking him out of the equation, yes, it's immensely important in my life. It's a third of my friends, it's tied into where I envisioned my future. I wish I hadn't allowed my hopes with him and all we talked about doing with it together to have gotten woven in with it, but I'm working on unraveling that part. I can do so much on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 You need to seriously review how much of your power you're willingly giving away. Link to post Share on other sites
Henni Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 You need to seriously review how much of your power you're willingly giving away. Or, take back. Being proactive about finding ways to hold on to important things in life while maintaining NC and emotional boundaries is not giving up power. Feeling awful and walking away from important things and people in life when it may not be necessary is not strength, in my opinion, it's just a pity. Exploring the best options for you, whatever they may turn out to be, feels better than being a victim, I think. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Or, take back. Being proactive about finding ways to hold on to important things in life while maintaining NC and emotional boundaries is not giving up power. Feeling awful and walking away from important things and people in life when it may not be necessary is not strength, in my opinion, it's just a pity. Exploring the best options for you, whatever they may turn out to be, feels better than being a victim, I think. Yet her opening post sounds like a victim. Yet she stepped into it. When I'm u happy with ANY situation - I can only blame myself for ALLOWING it. I can decide not to allow things that make me unhappy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Henni Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 Unless belonging to this organization is a matter of life or death, you can leave it. Does his wife know who you are and that you're connected to this group? If so, then I can't believe EITHER of you would still be connected to this organization. What a slap in the face to the BS. Even if she doesn't know --- still extremely disrespectful of you BOTH. I find this post extremely disrespectful and judgmental. There is more than life or death, there is support in hard times from your friends, there is work and achievements you've made that mean something. Are you saying OP doesn't deserve this? Why is it a slap in the face when she's going for NC? She doesn't owe anything to the BS - she didn't make promises to the BS - the H did, his to keep. Saying 'I do' doesn't mean 'and so does everyone else'. Link to post Share on other sites
Henni Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 Yet her opening post sounds like a victim. Yet she stepped into it. When I'm u happy with ANY situation - I can only blame myself for ALLOWING it. I can decide not to allow things that make me unhappy. I didn't think the opening post sounded like a victim actually, I thought it sounded like someone who is trying to do the right thing and maintain some sense of self in a tough situation. Big difference. Saying that you can only blame yourself for allowing an unhappy situation is simply not true. It's not possible, in my opinion, to be happy all the time just by sheer will power. Life brings lots of ups and downs, you need your friends and your achievements to get through the hard times, and yes, you need to make tough decisions. OP is facing those decisions head on and with honesty, and checking herself by posting here for support. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 I unblocked xMM when I realized I was missing important pieces of a strategy discussion in one of our groups. I will NOT contact him, but dang it, every time I see his name pop up I want to wail. And now his face just popped up on my homepage since he tagged a picture of himself with one of our mutual friends. @$%&*#@$^ I guess it comes down to whether I can learn to deal with these reminders/emotions or whether I need to quit these interests. I wish he would quit instead. Is he still a facebook friend? if so, delete him so you only see his stuff when in that group discussion. Anyway, I would go back and put him on block..For your own sanity. Decide what's more important, a group discussion on facebook or your mental health and heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 Here's the thing... When you UNBLOCKED him - it caused you certain negative emotions. Easy solution = BLOCK HIM! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts