Ugh, facebook

[2sunny]

I didn't think the opening post sounded like a victim actually, I thought it sounded like someone who is trying to do the right thing and maintain some sense of self in a tough situation. Big difference. Saying that you can only blame yourself for allowing an unhappy situation is simply not true. It's not possible, in my opinion, to be happy all the time just by sheer will power. Life brings lots of ups and downs, you need your friends and your achievements to get through the hard times, and yes, you need to make tough decisions. OP is facing those decisions head on and with honesty, and checking herself by posting here for support.

 

I completely disagree.

 

She did play the "poor me" in the opening post.

 

And happiness does not come from external sources. It comes from within.

 

Situations may cause stress or concern - but I don't become unhappy when I have stressful situations in front of me.

 

I CHOOSE each day to be happy!

 

And I certainly would never allow MY HAPPINESS to be based upon a game I can play online... Or the group that plays it.

[Henni]

I completely disagree.

 

She did play the "poor me" in the opening post.

 

And happiness does not come from external sources. It comes from within.

 

Situations may cause stress or concern - but I don't become unhappy when I have stressful situations in front of me.

 

I CHOOSE each day to be happy!

 

And I certainly would never allow MY HAPPINESS to be based upon a game I can play online... Or the group that plays it.

 

I'm not sure that your own personal route to happiness is entirely on-topic, and you can disagree away, since nobody owns the truth here. However, your definition of emotions and happiness as something unaffected by external events goes in the face of 200 years of psychological and neurological research. If you want to start another thread on this I would be happy to point you in the direction of many studies that demonstrate just how easy it is to affect people's emotions with external events. If you read a 'poor me' in the opening post or see some sort of game here, that's probably your own emotions and perceptions being effected by your own life events. I didn't see that.

[2sunny]

I'm not sure that your own personal route to happiness is entirely on-topic, and you can disagree away, since nobody owns the truth here. However, your definition of emotions and happiness as something unaffected by external events goes in the face of 200 years of psychological and neurological research. If you want to start another thread on this I would be happy to point you in the direction of many studies that demonstrate just how easy it is to affect people's emotions with external events. If you read a 'poor me' in the opening post or see some sort of game here, that's probably your own emotions and perceptions being effected by your own life events. I didn't see that.

 

Nice try - no dice.

 

Sty on topic.

 

OP - do you see the value in blocking him?

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

I completely disagree.

 

She did play the "poor me" in the opening post.

 

And happiness does not come from external sources. It comes from within.

 

Situations may cause stress or concern - but I don't become unhappy when I have stressful situations in front of me.

 

I CHOOSE each day to be happy!

 

And I certainly would never allow MY HAPPINESS to be based upon a game I can play online... Or the group that plays it.

 

Sunny to clarify, this isn't some online game that I can just switch to something else. It's discussion groups based on a political movement that we're trying to build -- supporting candidates, volunteering, raising funds -- making real-life changes. It's a life passion that invested myself into long before I met him, and it's given me a purpose.

[2sunny]

Sunny to clarify, this isn't some online game that I can just switch to something else. It's discussion groups based on a political movement that we're trying to build -- supporting candidates, volunteering, raising funds -- making real-life changes. It's a life passion that invested myself into long before I met him, and it's given me a purpose.

 

Can you correspond with the others while he's on ignore?

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

No contact?

 

Last week she "slipped" and sends this guy a text on Thanksgiving (while he's spending time with his BS who KNOWS about her - the same BS the OP was supposed to meet with in a few weeks, which of course went bust because the wife saw the continued disrespect)

 

and THEN she "needs" to unblock him from facebook for no good reason.

 

Not exactly what I would call NC. In fact, it seems like when the text route of re-opening the lines of communication didn't work, she now figures contact via facebook may just work . . . hoping the wife doesn't have access.

 

MM is going to know she unblocked him very soon, if he doesn't already. Even if they are not fb friends, all she has to do is respond or "like" a mutual post or photo and he will see her name and know he's unblocked.

 

Yes, I had the one NC screw up. I regret that, especially after the exchange with his W -- her words were hard to read but very eye-opening.

 

This is different. I do not wish to contact him on fb, period. He is focusing on his M, and ultimately that's a good thing. But there were multiple posts in our group this past week where I was only reading half-conversations and missing out on important points. As much as I struggle with reading words from him, his input to the overall group is still valuable.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

There are other things you can get into that will give you a purpose. Sometimes people need to give up things that will keep them stuck.

 

This I agree with. I don't want to be stuck. Realistically it's just a couple more months of development to get through until I can hopefully pour myself into the local stuff. Knowing there's a timeline might help. If not, yes, I guess I'll have to let some of it go.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

If you're not going to leave this organization and neither is he, then you're going to have to just suck it up.

 

Does his wife know you met through this organization? I can't imagine her being okay with him still being a member. And if she doesn't know, then the two of you are playing with fire . . . still.

 

She knows. She's said that she will be attending any events that we would both be at, which makes sense.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

 

At the risk of sounding like a total basket-case, I found reading emails from my AP out loud with silly voices, like ham acting, monty python style, somehow took the emotional power out of the words. I also felt better because it was so ridiculous it made me laugh while crying. Don't know how to do that with pictures though.

 

I love this idea. Especially now, looking back at all the flowery promises and how utterly ridiculous they were to begin with...How in the world did I believe all that crap?

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

I could see if you two worked together and his income was at stake, but this is just a political movement.

 

Sounds like the wife doesn't want to rock the boat too much with her cheater. He'll probably be cheating again at some point. He has no respect - if he had any, he would have dropped the organization without a second thought. No brainer for the truly remorseful. And HE would have blocked YOU from Facebook.

 

In any case, don't let this organization get in the way of your healing.

 

I assume she thinks that will spiral him further into his mid-life crisis, or whatever this all has been. It would mean ripping all his ambitions away, and in that case I think their M would really implode.

 

I do think I'm starting to heal. Having that picture of him show up and my initial gut reaction was a setback, but I found myself looking at him pretty critically for the first time. I think that's progress.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I had the one NC screw up. I regret that, especially after the exchange with his W -- her words were hard to read but very eye-opening.

 

This is different. I do not wish to contact him on fb, period. He is focusing on his M, and ultimately that's a good thing. But there were multiple posts in our group this past week where I was only reading half-conversations and missing out on important points. As much as I struggle with reading words from him, his input to the overall group is still valuable.

 

I'm very surprised since she knows about you and the A, that she hasn't told him to block you on facebook yet. or ask him to leave the group since you are still on some level having contact with him.. Just a thought.

 

You either need to quit that group and start another one without him with different people, block him and ask a trusted friend from the group to fill you in on other details, or leave him unblocked and somehow manage to deal with reading his words and separate your feelings from it all so you can focus on the group discussion and not on him.

 

if he is on your friends list, delete him off of your list. no need to have him on your personal page, right?

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

I'm very surprised since she knows about you and the A, that she hasn't told him to block you on facebook yet. or ask him to leave the group since you are still on some level having contact with him.. Just a thought.

 

You either need to quit that group and start another one without him with different people, block him and ask a trusted friend from the group to fill you in on other details, or leave him unblocked and somehow manage to deal with reading his words and separate your feelings from it all so you can focus on the group discussion and not on him.

 

if he is on your friends list, delete him off of your list. no need to have him on your personal page, right?

 

I'm surprised, too. She's a tolerant woman, that's for sure. I'm making a point of not replying to any of his posts -- like I said I do think we can do this without direct contact. As long as I get my emotions in check it'll be OK.

 

He's not a friend -- deleted immediately after he ended things.

[whichwayisup]

She's tolerant and forgiving. He's a lucky man to have a wife who is willing to give him another chance.

Plus, I'm sure is he doing all he can to make sure he doesn't f. up the effort and trust being re built up between them.

 

Just don't ever get personal with him, always keep it buisness like and professional. No need to ever answer anything he asks that is personal, and don't you reach out and ask him how he is doing. I figure you won't, but I feel like I should just say that anyway..

[frozensprouts]

you know by now you have no control over him and what he does, but you can control yourself. hoping that he would quit the group isn't going to make that happen, and to be honest, if he's as into it as you are, why should he have to quit and not you? If his wife is okay with him being part of the group, that's her choice...

 

maybe she trusts that you won't get involved with him again? who knows...really, who cares? all you can do is manage your own behavior...take things one day at a time and realize that you're meant for something bigger and better than him...look at him as an obstacle that could have stood in your way had you allowed it, but you didn't. you were strong then and you can be strong now...it's okay to feel hurt and sadness, but just don't let those emotions overwhelm your better judgement, and you'll end up on the other side of this just fine

[Tenacity]

OMWF,

 

I can relate to this actually, as ex-MM and I met over such a similar mutual interest and we had stayed in contact through it. More than that... we eventually built it into a great business.

 

It took me several months but I sold my half of the business (that I LOVED... I spent many MANY years getting there) and the sale will be final in February 2013. I did it to get rid of him. That is so much more important than me staying involved in this. It is actually a huge deal for me to have done this, because I used the business as maintaining contact with him for a long time.

 

The amount of money involved was a lot (six figures) but more importantly, for me to give that up took a great deal that I am sure no one else could understand (except perhaps you if you understand this post). I gave up most of my friends and my main hobby and life just to get rid of him. I gave that to him.

 

But, for me in the end it was worth it just to get him and all of it out of my life. I am invested enough in this particular activity and I am known enough in it that I can disappear for awhile and then reappear on my own, and that is what I plan to do.

 

It sucks that you may have to give something important in your life up in order to move on, but the reality is that focusing on something completely new might be the best thing for you. Staying in the old situation may just be too much right now. Doesn't mean it always will, but please OMWF, take care of YOURSELF first. His facebook page and all of this interaction about the topic that brought you together is only making worse right now... trust me. Just take a vacation from it.

[SunsetRed]

Your organization uses Facebook for important strategy sessions?

 

Take a moment and see if you are just bargaining with yourself. You can't move on until you try to move on.

 

 

VERY GOOD advice, for me as well. I've mostly moved on, but sometimes I can't resist looking up his profile and seeing that he's still w the wife and is not living in the garage, like he said he was and is in fact going on trips w her.

 

My New Years Resolution (one of them) is to stop looking back (at him) in any way. That means no looking at his FB profile or rereading old emails from 2010 in order to see why we aren't together now.

 

I have taken measures to get out and date others, but alas, I remain single while he goes on trips w a wife and for some unhealthy reason I want to remind myself of this status

[awkward]

VERY GOOD advice, for me as well. I've mostly moved on, but sometimes I can't resist looking up his profile and seeing that he's still w the wife and is not living in the garage, like he said he was and is in fact going on trips w her.

 

My New Years Resolution (one of them) is to stop looking back (at him) in any way. That means no looking at his FB profile or rereading old emails from 2010 in order to see why we aren't together now.

 

I have taken measures to get out and date others, but alas, I remain single while he goes on trips w a wife and for some unhealthy reason I want to remind myself of this status

 

You are doing great. He is still a jerk. You don't have to look at hic facebook to know that. 2013 is going to be a great year for you, Get ready for it!!