Lacking that tight-knit social group, but not really caring?

[Teknoe]

Hey everyone. Just wondering if I'm alone here (pardon the pun) or if anyone else can relate. I know it's not the healthiest of lifestyles, but I'm content with it.

 

Basically, I've always had friends growing up. I've been social and have probably erred on the side of being an extrovert, or at least, an introvert with extrovert tendencies. In college I enjoyed going out and making friends.

 

However though, in 2012, I've realized... I just love my peace and quiet. I find myself staying home most of the time. There's the odd acquaintance meet-up here and there, but I find I just really like my alone time. I'm not into traveling, not a foodie, not into technology... I'm a very basic non-materialistic guy whose #1 hobby is probably playing video games that came out 20-25 years ago. Basically, no one I know in real life is like me. I feel like I'm so different from the people I know. Perhaps some might even call me an uninteresting guy... but I go to work (full time), hang out with my bro and his girlfriend (that these days makes up the bulk of my social interaction) and in my free time I'm watching movies or playing old video games.

 

And I'm content with that.

 

I used to want a GF badly, and one day would still like one, but right now, I prefer my peace and quiet more. Plus with it comes less expectations.

 

I dunno. I am even thinking of cancelling my FB, as I have 600 "friends" but no one I really can call a friend. I haven't posted on FB in a couple months now. I'm kinda fearful I might go into full hermit mode (moderation IS nice, after all)... but right now, work is so busy I'm content going to work then going home being by myself playing games or hanging out with my bro and his GF.

 

Everything else just feels like a huge production.

 

For example I just invited to a potluck with some acquaintances, but I haven't seen them in MONTHS and I never felt that close a connection with them to begin with.... so I'm not planning on going. I much rather go watch The Collection with my bro and his GF, or just stay at home playing games, lol.

 

Damn, I never thought I would become a loner... but I kinda have. *shrug*

 

I'm definitely not depressed. In fact, I'm quite content with my quiet nights at home. I've become a big homebody over the past couple years, is all. I'm kind of old fashioned. Most guys my age simply aren't like me. I dunno. Oh well. Just wanted to share this with someone. Thanks for reading.

[Pirouette]

In many ways I'm much the same. It tends to come in cycles. The problem is whether you will be content with this months or years down the line. What if your brother gets married, moves, has a family, and no longer has the time to hang out with you?

 

Relationships outside of family do take work, and that's what makes them exhausting, and yet rewarding. I have regretted letting friendships moulder away and by the time you realize it, it's often too late. I also dislike the idea of letting things slip away simply because of a lack of effort.

Edited December 1, 2012 by Pirouette

[Teknoe]

Honestly, right now I'm OK with my social lifestyle. Maybe not in 5 years... but for now and possibly 2013... sure. I'm enjoying it. No pressure. I get to play my games. Do whatever I want. There might come a day (i.e. marriage, kid) where that just isn't possible. It's like I'm trying to squeeze out my childhood as much as I can before things get "serious."

 

I dunno, just 3 AM rambling, lol.

 

If I met people I truly clicked with, then I'd be fine with having friends. If not, I rather be alone, to be honest.

 

And... I don't do too well with guy friends. I like having female friends... but the issue is when I fall for them. I just like to talk about feelings and whatnot... and girls obviously talk more about that than guys. I can't talk politics, technology, great restaurants, cars, etc. My knowledge on those things is limited.

 

But I love talking about life, memories, experiences and feelings. That's why I connect better with girls. Also, guys tend to be a little too crazy for my liking. I like chill, laid back girls who laugh at my corny jokes and we have a witty banter going.

[Pirouette]

I don't doubt that life is perfectly fine for you for now. If I could spend the rest of my life curled up with a book and suffer no consequences, I'd call that heaven. The problem is that it isn't practical for the long term.

 

Are you in your 20s? Unfortunately, that is the age where if you're going to fall into lasting friendships, that's when it will happen. The more time you spend on your own, the rustier your social skills get, and the older you get and the more responsibilies everyone has, the harder it is to find and maintain meaningful connections. Not saying you're doomed to be alone forever, but it is something to think about.

 

You say you like talking about life and feelings and memories. Are you truly creating more of these by just staying at home watching shows and playing games? What are you going to talk about 5 years down the road? Rehashing things that are long past?

 

Perhaps you aren't like most men, but it stands to reason that there are other men like you. Being rarer, they will be harder to find and if you happen to fall in with one, then yes it will be luck.

 

It may sound like I'm trying to convince you to change, but I'm not. These are just things to be mindful of if you suspect that you might one day grow to be lonely. By then, things will be much harder.

[Teknoe]

P, you made some good points. I think moderation is nice, but I've gone too far on the hibernation end of the scale. I gotta learn how to manage full time work and still make time for a social life.

 

I don't think I'll ever be super out going, but it'd be nice to go out a little bit more and beyond just with my bro and his GF. Like you said, it's always easier with family. They just come to your house and you're content enough just chilling at home.

 

Thing is, I'm not much of an outdoors person. I don't like to hike. When acquaintances plan trips to go skiing, or whatever, I immediately feel bogged down and like I rather just stay home by myself. I've really just become a homebody over the last year or two.

 

I gotta find a way to get back into my groove though and strike a healthier balance. It can be easy to trick oneself into a "season of hibernation" and next thing you know, it's a lifestyle for life.

[Pirouette]

Sometimes, when I make plans with people, right up to the moment I get there, I'm regretting it and wishing that I was at home. But once I'm there, 9 times out of 10 I end up having a great time and try to tell myself to stop getting so worked up beforehand.

 

So what do you like to do that takes place outside your own house? Any interests like music, art, etc? Honestly, that potluck sounds easy and fun, so the next time something like that comes up, accept.

 

Bonus, it'll make it easier to meet your next girlfriend!

[Mumbles]

Like Pirouette I was going to ask your rough age group. I started pretty much the same as you have described. Not a massive throng of friends as I grew up, certainly not the schools most popular kid, but good social interaction which stretched right out into my twenties.

 

I made a significant move in my mid twenties and basically left my old life behind me. In all ways except socially, this has worked out really well. The change was needed for a whole bunch of reasons including maturing up. However, my circle started to shrink and I was really able to notice this as I passed through 30 odd.

 

I've heard it said that people in their 30's and 40's just basically stop making friends. I wonder about this and what the cause might be? Certainly its the case for me.

 

Perhaps it does simply come down to priorities. You have to make time for people, and invite them into your life. If you're always too busy with work, or video games (heh), then one day you suddenly look around you and everyone is busy doing their own thing but not including you.

 

Oh, I should add, I was married for 10 years in my thirties to 40s (ish) bit, so we sort of got wrapped up in our own thing, paying off the house, working hard, doing married couple type stuff, but rarely interacting with the outside world.

 

Now I'm not married any more and my circle is extremely small. I am successful at work, don't have any particular worries or problems (separation was years ago, so that stress is essentially over) but as I've recently said on other threads here at LS, I don't feel compelled to go out and find a girlfriend and am actually pretty darn comfortable with my own company a lot of the time.

 

My work is pretty stressful I must admit, and involves a lot of personal interaction, perhaps I'm simply getting my fill of other humans during the working week?

 

I suspect you've created this thread for a reason though. I wonder if deep down, like me, you have a suspicion that this isn't going to turn out well in the end.

[Teknoe]

I suspect you've created this thread for a reason though. I wonder if deep down, like me, you have a suspicion that this isn't going to turn out well in the end.

 

depends on how one defines "well."

 

I'd like to get married one day. And still believe that is super possible.

 

But I'd also be "OK" if I never, either.

 

I've also lived a simple, basic life. I'm not into other things most people my age (late 20s) are. I'm content for the moment being being on my own. How long that will last, we'll see.

[Teknoe]

btw I always wanted to be Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell. I always wanted 2 tight guy friends and 3 tight girl friends (who also happen to be cute and single, lol). Never quite had that for any extended period of time. I still want that, but you're right, the older one gets, the harder it becomes.

 

However, I've adjusted expectations and that is no longer the end-all, be-all for me.

[Jaina19]

Is it that you don't want to hang out with people, or you're just bored of going out? I'm a mature student at uni, and consider myself outgoing. I'm usually up for going out but sometimes I just can't be bothered with the drinking and having to talk to loads of people I barely know, and would rather just sit home and watch a film and I'm fine with that.

I don't think you have anything to worry about, most of the people I've met over 20 are the same. As I've gotten a bit older I've found I really value spending time with close friends and family, and don't have much interest in acquaintances. Is it the same for you? That's not necessarily a bad thing.

You may find after a "social break" you want to get out a lot more again. Sometimes we just need time to charge our batteries.

[Teknoe]

Is it that you don't want to hang out with people, or you're just bored of going out? I'm a mature student at uni, and consider myself outgoing. I'm usually up for going out but sometimes I just can't be bothered with the drinking and having to talk to loads of people I barely know, and would rather just sit home and watch a film and I'm fine with that.

I don't think you have anything to worry about, most of the people I've met over 20 are the same. As I've gotten a bit older I've found I really value spending time with close friends and family, and don't have much interest in acquaintances. Is it the same for you? That's not necessarily a bad thing.

You may find after a "social break" you want to get out a lot more again. Sometimes we just need time to charge our batteries.

 

I'm very particular about the company I spend time with. Basically, I love basketball, baseball, old school wrestling and video games, Godzilla and horror movies. Really oddball stuff outside of sports... and most guys at my age are moreso into cars, housecare, landscaping, whatever else. I find it hard to make a strong enough connection with those guys. I'm a very different guy based on my (admittedly) limited, niche interests, and I haven't really found any guy or girl friends who fit that bill.

 

Therefore I end up making tons of acquaintances, but conversations never run deep. that or the connection lasts for a year or two before it dissipates.

 

I don't think I hate hanging out, but I do hate hanging out with ppl I don't click with... which is a lot based on my limited set of interests. There have been times where I'm at a dinner party of ppl my age... and they'll talk about their iPhones, technology or whatever, and I'm just sitting there bored wishing I stayed home instead playing my games or at least hanging out with ppl into the same things I am.

[Mumbles]

Heh, yes. Who here would love to have a 'gang' of nerd friends like in big bang theory? I certainly would.

[Teknoe]

Heh, yes. Who here would love to have a 'gang' of nerd friends like in big bang theory? I certainly would.

 

heh that would be nice. just like a small group of guys (and girls) who know you, who 'get' you and who also share the same niche interests.

[Katzen]

Hi there,

 

I am 18 and tend to be like this as well. Entered college (mine is very demanding) and because of the huge workloads & my daily commuting, there isn't time for hanging out.

Anyways, always been a quieter type of guy (dislike clubs!). I differ with you in the sense of loving travelling and have left videogaming almost completely. I used to be sort of addicted 5 yrs ago, at 12; Lost a pair of "friends" and after a trip to southeast asia I've sort of been a "realism" type of person trying to get the most of the real/physical life.

 

I have found myself with colllege, I even happen to like commuting... Because it gives me freedom. A part of college socializing is the parties, which happen but I don't attend to with the (mostly justified) excuse of living far from the city.

 

I have few friends, but having this renovation of classmates thru college brought me a much higher sense of freedom. In HS there was a group of people which made me feel weird because I didn't party, now I got rid of them. The people I am closer two (aside family) are about 3 to 6 persons...

Most of the socializing I do is meeting with a single friend who's still in HS when I can and the free time in college; Cafeterias are great!

However, I don't seem to really become friends with anyone on college (sort of come visit my town, let's have a walk in the city); Have the classmate distance and such, really nice ambiance, but not the same as friends.

 

Sorry for the long presentation of my situation.

 

I think you should definitely follow what you feel best (a calm lifestyle); I am doing that as well. Why go to clubs to please someone else?

However do try to keep links with some (or all) the people you feel closest to. As of FB, have less than 200 "friends" (most acquitances, college people, etc) but I keep contact with some 5 important people.

 

I have access to a group of nerds! (through a pair of friends) however, despite having had reputation of nerd in HS (high marks, bla bla) I don't feel very comfortable with them, simply because I don't have the same preferences.

 

The girlfriend, oh well, from my perspective (18) it's different. I used to want a GF badly a year ago, but now I feel there's no time for her anyways (college!). Never had a GF though.

Edited December 22, 2012 by Katzen

[Diamond_Dust]

I feel like the only person I hang out with now is my b/f otherwise I don't really see anyone. Most of the ppl I was close to either moved away or I've had fallings out with here and there. I used to want more close relationships but now I could care less. I think I'm numb to even trying to establish meeting new people or most of my relationships upkeep as I feel like I'm the only one really trying in most instances. Other times they're too busy or life is too complicated.

[Mumbles]

I feel like the only person I hang out with now is my b/f otherwise I don't really see anyone.

 

What age group are you in if you don't mind me asking? <20, 20-30, 30-40, 40+?

 

I reason I am asking is that this happened to me. I got married 10-11 years ago and my social circle shrunk down to 1, my wife.

 

Divorced now and have very few people in my life, really, fewer than any other time. The problem being that life is busy, as you also feel. My life is busy, people I interact with are likewise, pretty busy. I'm in the 40-50 bracket, so, familes and kids and stuff fills everyones life.

 

Theres got to be at least a million nerds like me out there who would benefit from, and particpate in, some sort of interaction, but I think I'm prioritising things wrongly. Almost anything I can think of will get my attention and time before social interaction, and you just can't build connections with people in the 5 minutes that become 'spare' every day.

 

I really need to ponder this

[MissBee]

I can relate.

 

During college I was more of the person who had a decent-sized social base. I've always had only 2/3 people I'd consider bestfriends with whom I shared everything, then a larger group of more casual friends. I always did things in a group or at least with one other person and it was great.

 

However, once I got to graduate school things changed and at first it was weird, but now I like it. I moved to a new state, and it was my first time living away from home and family (during college, I did move to a new state but my family also happened to move there as well). College is a lot more about forging relationships and finding yourself and there are dorms and just more activities in which friendships are formed. Grad school, most people are at different life stages, some married with families and kids, we don't live in dorms for the most part, people are more scattered so it takes more to find a solid social group.

 

I do have friends but definitely not a "group" that is solid as I did in undergrad. Now, I do so much stuff alone and independently and actually enjoy it, which I never thought I would. I go to the movies alone, I go to restaurants alone, explore the city alone, stay in and watch movies/shows alone and I learned to love my own company. I'll go on a random date here or there but I feel like I entered a new life stage where I am comfortable in my own company and lots of times I'll opt out of doing stuff with folks and find it more peaceful to spend a Saturday going to breakfast alone, getting my nails done, shopping/window shopping, going to a museum, going to a coffee shop/book store and feeling very happy with it .

 

I am a relationship person. I love people and relationships, platonic and romantic but I've really gotten into just being comfortable alone. Alone isn't lonely. When I need my "fix" of people, hanging out etc. I go by a friend's place, I invite them over, we go out dancing/to the bar, etc. But then I'm glad to cuddle up at home. I even get annoyed with having a roommate and once my lease is up I plan to live ALONE! I will be so peaceful when my roommate is away...just serene, then she comes back and I have to deal with another person and I can't be bothered.

 

As I've gotten older, I am more into quality. Quality people, time, activities etc. Even for NYE, some of my college friends, with whom I'd normally go clubbing with or some such I just have been avoiding that scene. I'm not interested in that. Instead one of my bestfriends is coming to town, we're going to do brunch on New Year's day and go to a sauna and spa. The idea of that is so much more fulfilling to me than gettign dolled up with several of my friends to go out and drink and party on NYE. I'm just a lot more interested in quality relationships and don't find the need to be excessive and have a whole bunch of people around always...I'm more content to have peace and quiet alone than just having people around for the sake of it. It's also helped me TREMENDOUSLY re romantic relationships. I waste so much less time now that I'm more discriminating versus when I was constantly out and about with men who were decent who asked me out, just cause I figured it was something to do and I would be "soooo bored" if I wasn't constantly texting or out with some man.

[Teknoe]

Hey MissBee, you do sound like me, haha. Yeah, I think the issue is... over the years I've lost those few "quality" friends... now I'm left with mostly acquaintances who I find it hard to "get up for"... so to speak.

 

I actually think I might be commitment phobic, because looking at my life, esp. starting in high school, I'd develop "friendships" but eventually break off a few years later. Guess after a while I lose interest in hanging out with some "barely friends" and would rather enjoy myself at home.

 

Another issue I have is, once in a while I too like getting my "people fix," but it's hard when those people invite you to monthly events... I find my favorite acquaintances are the ones I see once in a while... maybe even once in a blue moon. I dislike acquaintances (unless they are cute, around my age and female) who try to meet up a couple times a month. I'm not feeling that with those people at this point in time.

[MissBee]

Hey MissBee, you do sound like me, haha. Yeah, I think the issue is... over the years I've lost those few "quality" friends... now I'm left with mostly acquaintances who I find it hard to "get up for"... so to speak.

 

I actually think I might be commitment phobic, because looking at my life, esp. starting in high school, I'd develop "friendships" but eventually break off a few years later. Guess after a while I lose interest in hanging out with some "barely friends" and would rather enjoy myself at home.

 

Another issue I have is, once in a while I too like getting my "people fix," but it's hard when those people invite you to monthly events... I find my favorite acquaintances are the ones I see once in a while... maybe even once in a blue moon. I dislike acquaintances (unless they are cute, around my age and female) who try to meet up a couple times a month. I'm not feeling that with those people at this point in time.

 

I know I'm commitment phobic re romantic relationships. I realized I often fared better in relationships with some distance involved and when I think of marriage and permanently living with a man, I freak out slightly . There was one boyfriend where I practically lived at his house and I remembered getting home to my own apartment and being soo relieved. I loved him dearly and loved spending time with him but felt more relaxed when I could go home to my own bed lol. But I'm working on it!

 

With friends I am less so. I tend to maintain friendships pretty well and my bestfriend #1 I've known since the 7th grade. The quality ones, we usually maintain our friendship through distance and time. While my more casual friends may change with the months/years/season of my life. But I totally feel not wanting to hang out very often with acquaintances. I'm like that with networking events/mixers/happy hours that my school puts on. I have friends who live for them and constantly want to go and mix and mingle but I on the other hand don't like it much. I'm friendly and social but as the years go by I'm just less into making small talk or chatting it up with people and all that and working the room lol. I usually go, make a few conversations then I'm happy to leave. I really have to be in the mood. But I realize that about myself, that I need a lot of space. Partly, because I absorb the energies of people around me so sometimes I need to debrief from that. I need a partner and friends who understand that and don't take offense to it. Sometimes I just need to be alone and to just be....

Edited December 27, 2012 by MissBee

[Sugarkane]

I find this is the case also. I get sick of being betrayed or people moving interstate. I got sick and tired of putting myself out there only to get rudely rejected. I also can never understand someone like my ex who is a huge Ahole, yet popular. Seems to be if you can manipulate people you have an advantage. For some reason a lot women also seem to cut a lot of people off when they get an SO. I've seen men do this as much. People have attacked me saying why aren't you friends with people from high school? That is because they moved interstate and I was sick to death of being the only one doing the work.

Edited December 28, 2012 by Sugarkane

[Teknoe]

I find this is the case also. I get sick of being betrayed or people moving interstate. I got sick and tired of putting myself out there only to get rudely rejected. I also can never understand someone like my ex who is a huge Ahole, yet popular. Seems to be if you can manipulate people you have an advantage. For some reason a lot women also seem to cut a lot of people off when they get an SO. I've seen men do this as much. People have attacked me saying why aren't you friends with people from high school? That is because they moved interstate and I was sick to death of being the only one doing the work.

 

I know what you mean. I've shared intimate details with people I thought were my friends, and who had my back, only for them to show their true colors before long, and treat me/make me feel like crap.

 

Seriously, screw those people. I'd much rather be content by myself than miserable with another person