im so messed up

[portableversion]

Man my ex and i were together for 17 yrs. Had a very hasty divorce. I moved out in june 7th and our divorce was finalized aug 7th. SHe a lawyer and had me sign a paper stating we had lived separately for 6 months. I told her hey ive only been out for a month and she said stfu and sign the papers!

I know there were times where i felt miserable about our crappy sex life, many times actually day after day month after month. I felt unwanted and unloved. She said she loved me but never wanted to have sex, and had a mean temper and generally a negative attitude. Her job as a lawyer was very negative and the people she works with are negative too. They hate their jobs and are drowing in debt and have mental issues for sure.

All i can say its been so hard to deal with. My family was my life, i always looked forward to getting off work and getting mobbed by my boys, they say daddy daddy and come attack me. I always wanted to see her too, but those feelings would quickly fade she always had a headach or a bad day or was tired or something. Would not want to talk much and definitely no sex.

That really bummed me out for sure but now we are divorced i find this situation much more miserable than what i had been dealing with . Im no longer a dad. Sure im the father of my boys but for real seeing them only every other weekend and one evening during the week and a phone call every day is a shadow of the time i used to have and it hurts alot. I also miss her. SOme say its because i have low self esteem and dont know what love looks like that i miss her but i just dont know. We did have many good times together. All i can say is i wished we couldve worked it out not seeing her has been worse than not having sex. Oh well its too late now, she uses me to watch the boys so she can shag her new boyfriend and that hurts alot. this x-mas is going to be horrible i think i just need to get out of town or find something different to do. I cant believe i wont be able to wake up in the morning hearing the boys all excited going to the tree. or putting their presents under the tree. Me im on such a tight budget i can't really affored many gifts for them at all.

Shes got them on x-mas. i just want to leave town, right now she trying to get me to alter my schedule to watch the boys after x-mas and its probably so she can shag her boyfrind whose coming in from the army. He was an old co-worker shes been chasing for the last 2 yrs. Im thinking too bad im not going to be ur baby sitter, we never ever had a baby sitter and thats something that helped our situation to decline im sure, but now she uses me so she can have quality time with her boyfriend. I want nothing to do with it.

I was originally planning to get out of town cause i just want to get away from here. Its only because of her that im in this town i dont know anybody here, ive got no friends or family except my 2 boys. Everything about this place makes me think of her.She trying to guilt me saying im an absent father, she does not care how hurt im am with this divorce, and how this x-mas is going to rip me to shreds. Im getting better but this is gonna be tough.

Sure at 1st i thought maybe i wanted the divorce but after being out of the house this amount of time i thought surely we could work things out. She dont want to though shes all excited about her boyfriend. I feel so angry hurt and betrayed. I was going to try to maybe get out to my sisters in florida for a little while to work for the winter or just be far away from here for the holidays but now shes calling me a crappy dad for not wanting to be with my boys, for new years or after x-mas. Kinda intersting cause at 1st she would never let me see the boys and i had to get nasty to fight for the time i got. All i can think is that i tried to stop the divorce and she wanted it and that destroyed my role as a father. Now shes got a boyfrind she all of a sudden so intersted that i get to spend as much time with them as apossible. Im confused hurt and angry. im really feeling used and abused. I think i need to cry some more. Hah and she calls me psycho for crying over this divorce 5 months later. at my goup ive learned about people who still cry 3 years or so after the divorce. Why do i miss her why do i love her and want to try again. Is there something wrong with me. I never ever rhougt id be divorced but now i am f@#$ this!!!

Edited December 1, 2012 by portableversion

[portableversion]

i dont even care what anybody thinks. i miss her and love her very much. Ill have to deal with this at my own pace. Folks tell me to move on and forget about it, find someone new, find someone with a better personality. I suppose one day ill finally get to the point where i just dont care anymore.

This divorce and her having a boyfriend have done nothing to shake the feelings i have for her. Actually the time away from her has made me feel even more stongly about her, a revitalization of my feelings if you will. Oh geez this cant be healthy. oh well more therpay more church, more time. it slowly gets better eveyday. Each day i find my self achieving a level of calm and serentiy that was not there the day before. But then the next day ill hear a song she liked on the radio and its back down the hill again.

i guess its a good thing i dont know anybody here im prbably not fit for good company.

Man i used to come on here and bitch about our sex life, i had no idea what i was talking about. The absence of her presence has hurt far worse than a lack of sex.

A co-worker today was complaining about his wife and their crappy sex life. Hes considering moving out. Hes a ball player and i guess there are girls who do flirt with him ona regular basis, and hes considering moving out. I said bro dont say that u dont know what ur talking about. I told him to "visit the bathroom" and just keep his mouth shut, it aint worth it.

[Pinkbutterflybarbie]

I really hate it when people say to move on, if only if it was as easy as that eh? I know people consider me an idiot for going back for more (hey if I was watching me on a movie I'd think I was an idiot) but when you love someone that's all you can think of. It hurts like hell but I'm hoping in time it will ease - in the meantime you will do what feels best for you. I don't believe in this NC because it makes me more miserable so I continue to plod along until I get to the day I don't care.

I don't have children but you will always be a Dad to your kids and no one can take that away )

Keep your head up!

[reggie500]

Man my ex and i were together for 17 yrs. Had a very hasty divorce. I moved out in june 7th and our divorce was finalized aug 7th. SHe a lawyer and had me sign a paper stating we had lived separately for 6 months. I told her hey ive only been out for a month and she said stfu and sign the papers!

 

If/when you decide to get angry about this, you have a claim against her for coercing you to sign a fraudulent document, provided you can prove it. She can be disbarred for this...

[portableversion]

yeah i dont know. i told her how i had told it to my therapist that we had essentially lied to a judge. SHe got mad and sad i was wrong. She told me she could claim separation since we had not slept together for 2 yrs or more. SHe always told me i snored and i woke her up. I couldnt do that any way, i follwerd her around everywhere, my job prspects were whatever i found in the paper and then too i was a stay at home dad for a total of4- 5 yrs. I goes without saying my resume is total garbage. IM not even postitve i can make it on my own. I work at a landscaping out fit but this is a college town and housing in expensive. I may have to move about 90 miles away to go move back in with my mom and step dad. It would hurt my kids if she got disbarred i dont think i could do that. I sure as hell cant pay for all the things they are used to. So yeah she also represented me, one thiong i dont get is that at that day she wanted me to go inthere and go before the judge, but i had already signed a waiver to appear i made one last appeal to call the whole thing off i said it was a nice day im going for a walk why dont u come with me. lets get out of here lets go together. She begged and pleaded for me to go in. i said no this place is evil, i held ur hand during the birth of our 2 sons i wont be there for u now as u murder our marriage. I said just imagine im like the jew kneeling before the pit and im just going to close my eyes before the guard pulls the trigger. I said also this is a place of shattered dreams and lost hopes i wont have anything more to do with this i ve signed all ur papers, ive done everything like u asked lke i always have, i dont have to do this. Besides this building is party responsible for the demise of our marriage(she worked there in the defenders office) all the negativity here has ruined ur soul and helped to destroy us, ive had enough with this place im leaving.

[soccerrprp]

portableversion,

 

I am sorry....can't really say anything to help. good luck and stay strong. from the sounds of it, she sucked as a person and you were not happy in the relationship....

[portableversion]

oh it was tough again today. this whole season is. it was always at this time of year that we catually get off work in a decent time. I used to alwys feel so happy this time of year to be able to get home to my family earlier, and now i just go home to my lonely aprtmnet. So i cried again at work.

i have to wonder why after our divorce shes told me repeatedly that she does think about us gettingback together and that hse misses me, but is not ready at this time to work on that. So confusing, and the lies about her boyfrind. ive pushed it many times. At aa we had a discussion about acceptance, i told her about it and said hey i just need to accpet youve found new love and romance in ur life and i should be a genlteman and try my best to be happy for u right? shed say no its nothing seroius u dont have all the information, if u love me the way u say u do u will wait for me to get my head on straight.

The unannounced visits to amy aprtment, her telling me she does not want me to date other women, and that i have no business dating other women.

wtf come back to me i miss u.

[portableversion]

i just remembered someone had told me man ur free now. this is the time to do all the things u wanted to do but could not do because of her. i know that is no good for me, i knew a long time ago that i wanted a family. This freedom just means nothing left to loose. I had my dream and now its gone. perhaps puking my guts on here as an online virtual diary will help me get over it. All i can do now is proceed with all my self help programs and just try to become a better and different person. It would be nice if it impressed her and shed give it another chance. I heard a priest say the other day couples do need to have a healthy sex life, and if it goes away everything goes bad and if he can talk to them and get them to a point where they are intimate again all other troubles fade away. left me feeling confused i thought maybe i was dealing with lust issues but perhaps there is more to the story and its not that simple.

like i said elsewhere sure going month after month with no intimacy put me in a bad mood but having her gone all together hurts so much worse. Thats the origins of my river of sorrow, a flood of tears washing everything away

[portableversion]

you stopped by tuesday. you also called me ealier to see if i would be able to pick of the little guy from day care. Then later that night i hear you were knocking on my door it thought it was my neighbor wanting to borrow my cel phone, but it was you. I felt very happy to see you and very suprised. I couldnt belive it i had been crying earlier thinking of our family together.

i wish i knew what you are thinking. We said earlier we said we sould only discuss the kids to each other and nothing else, but we still end up in small talk. ANd you show up unannounced. I loved seeing you.

What is this? Its so hard for me to stay awy from you and and not talk to you, it was killing me to avoid you, and then you it seems to me reach out to me. I reallly like it but its so weird now. You divorced me and i can forgive you for that, its just some stupid papers in the court house. its waht we do to each other that matters. you do have your moms temper it that mysterious thing i struggled for years to find a good word for. i wont go into it now.

But what is this, is it really the case you do want to hear from me, perhaps like me there is a part of you that does not want the final darkness to come, where we together slowly fade into the realm of distant foggy memories. Perhaps its true you do wish and want us back together and this is your attempt to try to slowly stoke up this fire. i wish i knew what it is. Sometimes i heave a bad feeling thats what going on is like on the show they kill a chicken , it dances and runs awhile before it finally dies. Is that where we are now the last final burst of life right befor the end. you also called me then today and sent me a text, i sent you one back too. it had nothing to do with the kids. My heart skipped a beat when i saw oit was you. i ws busy working , i twas a hard core day for sure. I feel like im drowing or your drowing, i can still see you and hear your voice but its growing more and more faint, and i can no longer see you. It all slipping away and theres nothing i can do about it.

i wish this were all a game , i want to cry uncle but its not going to end.

I have no idea why you say the things you do about your "friend" he not your frind hes your boyfriend. Ive tried on various times to be very calm and mature in regrds to this topic but you always deny he is your boyfriend. By all appearances he lookes like it to me. After you seduced me that one night, you said you felt confused and it was because of him. you almost felt like you were cheating on him.

Sometimes i think that its because perhaps you are even shocked. youve never been single long at all and to move so quicky from a 17 yr long deal onto a new one is not something you want to let out. If thats the case it really does prove that you thought so little of our marriage. I even told you i should be a mature adult here and accept it and try my best to feel happy for you and your new love. And you pushed back saying he was nothing serious. Sometimes this is when you tell me that you do think about us together and you miss me. one time you said you loved me, but now you say its like wishing for the lottery or you love me like a distant relative basically.

i thout it would be good therapy for me to go the extra mile and get an annulment, perhaps having priests dissolve this thing it would add a new dimention here that is perhaps needed. Is it that i still feel my soul attached to you because that judge cannot undo what we did in church on our wedding day. The folks at group say i can t do that, especially since i still feel deeply for you. i would get rejected. At least i found out its really affordable.

i hope it does not need to go there, it would be great if our family could be back together again. i wish you call me and tell me to come over and that you miss me and need me there, and want a hug.

i really liked it when it was you who showed up at my door, and you called me againlast night saying you wanted to come over, but i was alseep. well see perhaps u try to shake me down for something. we could easliy do this over the phone or text, i love seeing you it just hard to go our separate ways. i feel good though i havent bawled my eyes out on front of you.

i wish this would end, im working so hard to learn about things inside me thru all my programs. understand all the areas where i went wrong and how i helped to ruin this all and get to the bottom of it.

either way i have no idea what you are doing or why. Forget it either way your overall actions say u dont want me around. perhaps i need to screen your calls. You upset me and have hurt me more than anything if have ever dealt with before. and this stuff still hurts, avoiding you or our little small talks we have, it all kills me in this current situation. I want to go home. I

[portableversion]

feeling better today. this comes and goes but any more the up swings are getting stronger. i picked up a few things around here, vacuumed and put some laundry away. its feeling cozy and quite good in here. ive got my little christmas tree lit up, ive done some prayers. im feeling much better. im slowly moving on. looking forward to aa tonight, its always packed on a night like tonight i bet a bunch of us end up at denny's for some interesting conversation. i better work on my asignment sponsor accused me of procrastinating. man its not due until tomorrow. either way everyday it does get a bit easier to be all alone by myself im getting more and more used to it. right now i have a positive energy i have not felt in awhile. all the self help stuff is a life saver, the folks at group said id be likely to have ups and downs for quite some time but the ups get better and the downs get less.

supposedly as many around me say, they say im a great guy with a good heart, sure ive made some mistakes in the past but once i get more healed and have my old boisterous positive self back i guess thats when the women will come out of the woodwork. we shall see what happens, a lot of these people say im a good looking guy and im educated and have a lot of other positive qualities, it wont be too long before some lovely lady comes along and will want to snatch me up. that would be nice ive learned so much about relationships and communication and character defects that im building the foundations for a much better realtionship. if the ex wont want me back thats not my problem there wil eventually be somone else. ironic as it is the meetings with the secular order of franciscans has some possibilities. anti war peace nicks like my self, folks who've done work in 3rd world countries like myself. we shall see we only meet once a month but this one lady reached out to me because shes left handed like me, we started to talk she has been on missions to ecuador. im sure shed like to hear about my trip to haiti. she seemed real nice it was easy to talk with her, im sure she is a nice person this was no meeting at a bar it was the secular order of franciscans. im gonna meet a lot of cool folks thru this group, happy powerful people.

[portableversion]

i had another dream about you early this morning. i was at the house but it was in the country. i was outside looking at the flower garden then i was inside going to make myself some coffee, but he had moved in but was not there i saw his brand of coffee in the cabinet. next i was in the car with our boys going to my place. the older one was wanting to talk to me and in the meantime i was strggling to stay positiveand not burst into outright crying. i woke up crying.

but hen today we talked a little because i simply wanted tp give you a heads up about the possibility of a confidentiality issue since one of my aa brothers was in the office you share discussing aa stuff with the secretary. he ws upset about it though it ws nothing i did not know already know. you accused me of trying to ruin your day. how could you say that sure it was a bit uncomfortable but for real i was trying to assist you, i love you damn it and all the things im involved with are about how to be a better person, more caring more giving, being of more assistance. im doing all this so i could be a better partner for you. even though you may never want me back this is so contradictory of my current behavior. ive put so much effort into working on all the garbage ive brought to our marriage. its been a long road and not pleasant. you said id want to hurt you since i think you ruined my life and your seeing someone else. i sad hah you admit hes your boyfriend and you said not hardly. but ive told you several times i should try ot be a gentleman and try my best to be happy for you and you still push back saying hes nothing serious. oh your impossible. im doing everytihng possible to address every concern you had about me. i wish it would be you who would recieve the benefits of such hard work. sadly enough the odds are that this will string along with nothing more than just emty words on your part and someone else will snatch me up. i dont want that i want our family back together in new and improved ways.... we can do it. i think its worth it, bible says we should try to reconcile corinthians has such information.

[portableversion]

i was tired today even though i had good sleep, it must've been all the crying i did yesterday. it seems you and your long distance boyfriend are moving on to new levels especially your going to meet his folks after christmas. i wonder will you will introduce him to your folks. I told you dad about him right before our divorce and your text message to him thanking him to help you decide to get the divorce. i told your dad that he would probabaly be your next son-in -law. oh well we'll have to get an anullment or you guys will have to settle with justice of the peace.

Oh this stinks so bad.

thank god for my sponsor, he called me yesterday and told me about morbid self reflection and i said man you've hit it on the head because thats where im at today and i started crying on the phone with him. He asked me if i was ok and i said im slowly getting better everyday but it hurts. I said man she was over here yesterday(sunday) for 2 hours i said i was so happy to see her even though we discuss uncomfortble things like her meeting his folks and she found a babysitter so she can do this, its her folks. i admitted being guilty of ppride and have to just accept my new role in this. i have no choice but to play assissatant to help her develope new relationships at least ill be able to see the kids. OUCH!!!!!.

i cant remmeber everything my sponsor said but i can very well tell hes been thru hell and back.I know a hes known alot of people who have killed themselves.he has seen a lot of bad stuff. i had a vision of a clear blue sky when speaking to him, he had compassion and concern and showed me love over the phone. It was so touching. I also had the feeling like when watching those viet nam movies, i was surrounded by dead bodies and all my frinds were dead but here he comes not afraid and getting missed by bullets and bombs and he comes to me and gives me a hand to get out of my fox hole she we can get out of there. it was a very spiritual moment on the phone. This sucks so bad, i hate this aa stuff the book has examples of folks who had way more serious drinking problems and committed such heinous deeds to the family but yet they were able to save it all. It even talks of divorced couples getting back together. i better not even think about it. Those fellas had different wives than what i had. Geez dr bob put his wife thru hell for years and years on end, and she stuck with him and he got better and was a key founder of aa. me i had 3 yrs where a small handfull of incidents like 5-6 episodes perhaps thrown out of the house 4 times. hell the last time i was thrown out i had been sober for about 2 weeks. i feel anger that not the right kind of help was applied at the right time. ive got it all now but it appears to be too late.

wow i cried a lot yesterday, it bothered me litle guy didnt want to talk on the phone, he can t be blamed hes only 3 he was busy playing but

it was just one more day where i had no contact with my baby. and i still miss the ex. god help me please

[portableversion]

another odd recollection, i remember when i 1st met the ex, all those years ago. after i got to know her there were moments where i wondered if i had known her before.

nothing much i can do now, more aa, more confirmation class, more prayer, got my rosary, got my cards to st jude, and st francis, few more session with therapist, 2 more at group, bible study after church on sunday. my scedule is jammed packed with self help.

i wish it hadnt come to this. the times we had together as a family for the most part were really wholesome times. just got sidetracked with my spiritual bankruptcy, such a high price. she was my idol i guess in many ways i did worship her, i loved her more than god and that was wrong we are supposed to worship god and then we can get the messages on how to love and treat those around us. i guess this is perhaps my punishment.

[portableversion]

ha itve been so busy and messed up that i just realized something once. i remember our divorce time and about 2-3 weeks before that i saw you and his texts and the nude photo he sent you. And all the garbage you all had said to each other. And then sometime ago you told me how at the end of aug he had invited you to his folks after x-mas. You told me on sunday that in aug he got upset that you would not say you loved him. In conclusion with all this stuff going on in the same month we got divorced and right before i have to conclude you all were having an affair. you were totally cheating on me behind my back. it makes no differnce now but with these ideas yeah the big d was probably a good idea perhaps. you know what **** YOU . Oh and i walked away giving you almost everything you wanted. I sacrificed so much for you and tried my best to give you everything but it was never good enough. There is no justice i htis world.

[portableversion]

another day of garbage but this time its helping. kinda intersting since i had therapy yesterday and shared with the therapist more of our interactions and your insults of me as a father. According to the trained professional you are so abusive in a wide variety of areas. He gave me some hand outs and the idea is to study them to be ready for more of your crazy psycho bs. Geez at least i had alcohol to blame for my behavior ur stone cold sober except for the downers your addicted to.

The therapists counsel could not have come at a better time, plus i had gone to confession and spilled my guts to the priest, hesaid i was in a bad place and youve been treating me in a very poor manner. 2 professionals telling me this is all so unhealthy, and abusive.

So today you called me and demanded i get off work to take the litttle guy to the doctor. before i had time to respond you said i was already forgetting i was their dad. that was such a horrble insult. I started to explain how much i,love the boys and had always tried my best for them and ur insults continued, mocking me for getting teary eyed on the phone u told me i had to be strong and i said i am gettingstronger and that means not toleratin ur abusive behavior . Total lack of consideration of the fact im in financial difficulties, all u can think of is what u want and be damned to everyone else. All that matters is what u want and everyone needs to sacrifice to help u achieve your goals never mind they could be ruined if they follow you. Its not a problem for me to take off work once in awhile but to go so quickly into insultng me before i had a chance to respond. And the ignorance became paramount when you said when we were married "youd always just do waht i said". DUH!!! i had ur finacial backing and didnt care if i were to get fired or miss several hours of work. Now this job is my life i have to rely on since i cant count on you at all. you gonna pay my rent if i get fired? Youll just laugh at me and call me a loser. So sick, the impulsivity was extreme. Didnt even want to consider other possibilities to ur demands. Like uh reschedule ur appointments. your business is new you have all next week open have the clients reschedule for another day. And besides it not like you need the money anyway, you havent worked in 90 days and have way more money than i do and ive been working overtime since march.

Oh well this was therapeutic to me, forget ur boyfrind forget the divorce u want me to move on guess what, this horrid abusive behavior is doing a great job. You have always done this nasty insulting talk to me even before we were married, i always tolerated it and had a forgiving attitude, but just like how you said you cant tolerate it when ur mom does this crap to you, i have no reason to tolerate it from u now, and guess what im not. You said we need more time apart, honey i hate to tell you its not becaue i miss u or stilll care about you that i offerd resistance, its not becaus im trying to get revenge. Its because i need to be treated like a human being for a change, and i no longer afraid of you, what u gonna do to me now. Youve dealt every type of punishment availble to estranged lovers nothing is left on ur bargaining side. So when i get to the point where im like yeah its good to be away from you guess what im not gonna say how high when you tell me to jump. ive warned you about this already this is what im talking about. We are divorced now and im not gonna be ur punching bag no more. And ive got all the professional help and guidance to protect myself from such horrible behavior. Now if its like u told me on various occaisons you think of us getting back together this is something ur gonna have to think about and me too because for real i dont miss this garbage at all, and after i discussed today with various folks i feel glad to not see you and have you out of my life. My resistance to your hostile power and control tactics is only gonna get stronger. Dont think its gonna end because ill stop crying over the divorce. Itll only stop if u can behave like a decent mature human being. Geez i wonder if ur man knows what hes getting into, he hasnt a clue. it goes to show how much i loved you to tolerate ur garbage. Im not perfect either ive got garbage but at least im working very hard to improve myself as a human being, you still think ur flatulence is worthy of cologne, you aint gonna get very far.

[portableversion]

another day done and gone, and in the midst of a new one. Its pretty amazing ive made it this far. Death would be so much easier than this. I think its only becasue of the kids and mom im still here. I know theyd all be hurt so bad. Supposeldy something good is going to come out of being able to survive such a horrible experience. I cant imagine what thats is going to be. Im almost 40 yrs old and it seems a significant probability im gonna have to quit my job and move back in with my mom and step dad. I dont do anything like i used to, going to mcdonalds is almost too extravagant for me. Going to kroger instead of aldis's is seeming to be too much aswell. God forbid something actually breaks down on this old car with 160, 000 miles on it.

At least the pain is slowly fading some more, i think its helped to not see you or hear much of your voice. I was so dedicated to you, i gave so much of myself to you. And now to be abandoned, the only option i have is a lot of praying and church as much as possible. When i get laid off here soon im going to go everyday, and get back on my work out routine at the gym. Work has been strenuous enough lately have not needed the gym at all.

i know its a bunch of crap but the mayan prophecy, bring it on!! To have a destroyed family and years of effort and sacrifice discarded over a a few bad fights mixed with alcohol. Oh well here in a few more months i should be on the 12th step supposedly ill have a stronger spirituality then, have faith they tell me ill feel better and things will get better. I cant imagine.... life long dreams lost with no means to rebuild or recover what was lost. I wish u had been more serious about ur statemnts that u miss me and hope and wish we could get back together. Was is the truth was it lies? i still pray every day god will come to us and restore us.

[portableversion]

despite your temperment you get from your mom i do still miss you. i cant hold it against you the key is to have better reactions to it.

[portableversion]

ah went to visit a frind of mine he was hanging with another friend. Hes been divorced he was like man last time i saw you this srping i thought u 2 were good to go. I was well no not really cause i was divorced 90 days later.He was impressed with the swiftness of my nightmare known as my life. We shared sob stories so sad and tragic the broken shattered heart. hes been divorced for 10 yrs still misses his ex. He said we said till death do us part. He has not dated ever i think. He told me man i cant imagine how painful it must be for you to have been together for 17 yrs we were only together for 7. I said yeah if it werent form my kids im sure i wouldve either shot myself or stepped out infront of a train. Every once in awhile i still do imagine shooting myself in the shower. The pain is unimaginable for sure. Had no idea something could hurt so bad, i had no idea how bad misry could get. He thought it was amazing ive gone thru all this **** sober . I said yeah a lot of folks pat me on the back and say i have a lot of strenght to face this terror completely sober. Nothing there at all to soften the jagged edges of the heart destroyer. SO horrible and so tragic this is a broken messed up world

[portableversion]

ah talked furthur with my old friend. He has dated extensivley and has been with a lot of different women. He actually right now has a very beautiful woman who seems to be really into him, but yet he still misses his ex! I said bro ur not giving me much hope here at all, its been 10 yrs and you have a girl friend who smoking hot. I said maybe it really is the case that the judge cannot really undo what happened in the church. I asked him if his ex currently had a boyfriend or was remarried or whatever he said no shes single. I told him bro try to change ur self, perhaps something could happen here.

Either way i am feeling even more better today, all i can do is focus on myself to become the best person i can become. It seems im on the right path. The aa meenting last night was inspirational for sure. I am going to be a better person its just a matter of time.

Sponsor told me that once i get thru thr 12 steps and become a sponsor myself i may have a completely differnt perspective of the ex. He told me you may actaully begin to feel good about not being with her. he told me shes nuts and has the mind of an alcoholic herself. Interstingly enough i recall the day when her boyfriend supposedly confessed to her that hes an alcoholic aswell. he supposedly went to aa for awhile but never did the steps but went to counseling. Its a bit prideful but i know deep inside of me that im taking this malady of abusing alcohol and dealing with it on a much higher level than he ever has. Sponsor could be right i dont see her doing much to change herself, but it makes no difference shes gonna have to relate to me in a new way cause my behavior and thought process is changing . in regards to dealing with me shes gonna have to change. As for right now keeping minimal contact with her is helping, shes still pissed at me for **** that happened a couple of years ago, geez and she called me nostalgic at least i remmember happy stuff, perhaps thats my problem i should focus on all the bad things she did to me. For some reason i dont like to do that, i was always so forgiving.

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i think puking my guts out here on ls is also helping, So heres a new tally of my self help adventures. AA, group counseling called surviving divorce, individual counseling, confirmation classes, church on sunday and the holy days, doing the rosary, reading the bible, having bible study with jehovah witness people after church(they aint gonna convert me lol), and loveshack. just watchit knowing my luck ill finally get to the point where im pretty much all healed up and may have finally found someone else who sparks my interest, itll be then where shell come around and remind me of those times where she said she misses me and thinks of us getting back together and her boyfriend in alaska is nothing serious just a distraction. we're going to have to go on a lot of dates and movies and such. im already seeing her in a differnt light she seems somewhat strange to me now. maybe it more of the refreshing cool breeze of indifference coming over me. either way its nice to be feeling better, each day and each crying spell plus all the above mentioned things are helping.

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confirmation class was real good tonight. Everyone there in general is in a good positive happy spirit. For the 1st time since ive been going i was able to savor all the positive energy. Deacon mentioned how marriage is a covenant different than a contract because its sealed with blood, it cannot be unbroken. It made me think yeah thats why ive been torn to shreds, something happened which is not supposed to. i felt some relief in that well i tried my best to argue against it, and now im working on everything in my self which i contributed to the demise. any more i think she was just looking for excuses, shes finally let things slip out that ive put together and realize soemthing was going on behind my back. she told me he got upset that in late aug or early september he was wanting to invite her to his folks, or also he was upset she didnt say i love u at that time. Sounds like things were pretty much developed before the divorce and he did help her to dicide on it. shes been chasing this guy now for awhile. looks like the ol classic find the replacement before you bail. so unfair, so unjust, i gave her everything i had, tried my best to give her all she wanted from me.she was so not into me for such a long time. i still wonder why she talked all the smack she said to me earlier, like i miss u and i think of us getting back together. wtf

folks at group said she kept offering me glimmers of hope, knowing my luck it was nothing but mind games and lies. now im all alone,

oh well everyday i get more used to it, it is very cozy here and very peaceful.

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oh were doing fall cleanup, i had to reach my hand into a pile of leaves i had the feeling my ring had fallen off. sometimes i still feel it on my hand. i had never ever took it off. This divorce is so lousy, ive lost so much. oh well it feels good to be in my tiny apartment, im getting real burned out at work, i just want to be alone. I do have group tonight, actually im the only one going, so ive had the 2 facilitators all to my self. I love seeing them they always make me feel better even though i have cried in front of them more than once. **** im starting to cry right now. they are a married couple, who had been divorced got annullments and and are now married to each other. They both were traumatized by their own divorces and took it upon themselves to help other like me. Its only 12 weeks long and we have videos we watch and discussion before and afterwards. They know everything of my story. Its is catholic based, they gave me a handout on how to pray the rosary, which ive done quite a bit lately. it does make me feel better but sometimes i cant focus and think of the mysteries, i just think of her shagging her new boyfriend or i remember that day when she forced me to sign the papers. i had to pause and refocus on the mysteries as i said the hail mary prayers. i still feel abandoned, my future is so uncertain, im still bothered by economic terror. i miss my family

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group was real good tonight, they could tell im getting better. we had some great conversations they reassure me ive already changed some and have grown. Had more verification that essentially ive suffered from batterd wife syndrome. It goes back to when i was a kid my dad was a raging alcoholic my2 big sisters had much anger and resentment towards him, i look a lot like my dad and thus they sometimes fell into temptation to really beat me up. I had never thought much of this but normalized it. This is precisely how i was with the ex for so long, she is violent and abusive in so many differnt ways, and i was accustomed to eating a fecal sandwhich and asking for another. They told me more of how from their training they can see on a variety of ways she needs serious help. Once again the man facilitator told me one day ill view this divorce as the best thing that has ever happened to me. Im healing and growing and changing, they are certain someday ill be ready for a truly good and healthy relationship. Feel sorry for the ex's current boyfriend he has not a clue as to what hes getting into. Perhaps hes healthier than i was and will have the good sense to bail out before the damage gets to much. I dont see it lasting long with the 2 boys around the female has to be smoking hot and have an award winning personality to keep a childless man around who would like to have his own kids . The facilitators were willing to share more of their assessments with me since im getting more over it. They finally told me they think my ex is very manipulative, controlling and abusive. Ive made sure to vent to thm all my crimes, they tell me at least your honest and willing to acknowledge ur faults what is she doing, i said nothing, other than obsessing about her new man and her solo practice. They worry about my kids over there, they are not positive its very healthy for my boys over there, they said at least im getting help so they can have at least one parent who is sane. They said as time goes by my influence over my boys will only grow, despite the fact she has them the majority of the time. They also said my ex is also very superficial and shallow, and appears to not be addressing the emotional needs of the elder son. Hes obviously distressed over the divorce and needs a alot more conversations on the topic and shes been in some ways shutting it down. This is apparant because he every so ofetn wants to discuss things with me andits because she gives him discussions which are not conclusive or satisfying, or he needs additional reinforcement. he is very unhappy to have us split apart and she just tells him its ok bacause many families live like that and its ok. me i say im sorry son i dont like it either, im trying my best to work on everything that made mommy mad, im sorry i yelled at momy whan i was drunk, perhaps with my efforts we can get back together but we both love u and u can pary to god as well. i tell him i pray everyday the family will be back together. .....Anymore im thinking its not going to be possible, im startng to see precisly how my tolerating her was a lack of self love and dysfunction on my part. Any more she seems to be a real sick person herself. so sad she really had my heart, i wouldve done anythng for her to the best of my abilities. They told me also she seems very immature, i told them how she was insulting me last friday about leaving work to take the little one to the doctor. They applauded me for how i handled the situation. They said its amazing she is lawyer, becuase the things she says are not logical at all, and wrong. but alot of the lawyers i had come to know a bit are not good people at all. oh this is nuts. im glad im getting help some day ill be ready for the ultimate relationship with a woman. i had hoped it would be with the ex but shes not doing anything to address her garbage, and for the most part she does not acknowledge her garbage. it all my fault its all messed up because i got drunk a small handfull of times and complained about our sex life in front of the boys and disturbed them. i know its bad so i continue with aa. geez i so dont want to talk to her or look at her. nc is in effect and im feeling better everyday. the ups get more up and the downs get less down. im free

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furthur thoughts for the day. well some do think some day they ex may want to come back to me. who knows its all guess work, but if she were to want to do that i would definitely feel obligated to give it another try, i can forgive but can she. sure my feelings for her are definitely fading but if its real it can be rebuilt and it would be differnt and better siimply because of the changes im making

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oh had the boys tonight.man it ws nice, kinda like the old days where i get to rush home to see them, hug them , squeeze them. This is so wrong. having a split up family. who invented no fault divorce, shouldve had a trial.

interstingly enought tonight the elder son told me he looks forward to spending the night with me next wednesday. i thought i had this settled with her. i thougth she knew i was going out of town. i dont want to be anywhere near this place knowing wife stealer is in town introducing my ex to his folks. this makes me wanna vomit, scream, break something. oh god grant me the strength, and serentity i need to not blow out my frigging brains. priavate butthead is prolly gonna spend the night and be sleeping in the bed which was supposed to be mine.

i cant take this, i told her i wont be able to have a good time with the boys knowing hes over there at my old house. ill have too much temptation to drive by and throw a brick throught he bedroom window, maybe even jump thru the shattered glass and tear him apart limb from limb, and even punch her in the face too. man that would be nice to have the cops come by and shoot me down like a mad dog in the street. Really im not a violent person at all but these thougths are very pleasing at this time. if anything shed be the one to hit me in front of the boys

oh well i said earlier this is how it all shakes down ur love divorces you and moves on with someone else cause they are done with you. this is my new rols is to be her stupid baby sitter so she can develope quality time with other men. god we are not even supposed to be divorced now, according to the stupid law. where was our babysitter to help our marriage? i find this situation so revolting and disgusting. The hurt and crying is shifting to rage now. She needs to understand im not ready to do this for her. Though at some point in time ill have to get used to it, cause this is just how it is. geez reality is so wonderful. is it the 21st yet? must be nice to get out of a 17 yr long relationship and jump into a new one, cause you just dont care what was left behind. dont care the kids are now living in a single parent household, dont care the boys dont like it. dont care little or no effort was made to fix things other than threats and banishments from the house. dont care ur ex has had their entire world turned upside down. Im in the midst of finacial ruin, lost my nice neighborhood, hear my neighbors fight and party, lost my role as a father, and lost my spouse, she aint lost anything, except a piece of garbage she didnt want around any more.....me

i realize i need to be able to spend as much time as i can with the boys but i aint ready for this, i need to be gone from here as afar away as possible. when will this misery go away? i want my family back together this is so wrong so so wrong.

when i picked up the boys tonight i made a concerted effort to not even look at her, and tried my best to not even make eye contact when she told me she had her 1st client. i agve her a minimal response of congratulations.she said you probably dont care and i said nothing. only thing i said was when do you wan the boys back she said 9 pm i said ok. i supported her the best i could thru law school that victory was supposed to be something i shared in. i dont want to see her i dont want to hear her voice, i dont want to be in the same room as her. she threw me away