im so messed up

[portableversion]

got an early day off work because of rain. Talked to the ex she said the older one could hang out at my apartment. Ill get the little guy early from daycare too. When there i did my best to not look at her. She told me i didnt have to look down. Wht not?why should i look into her eyes?Look into the eyes which once said i,love you i need you. But instead they look more lovingly towards him. It was hard i found my self getting a wee bit choked up being at my old house.

Cant escape this town the boss is finding work for me to do wont be getting laid off for awhile yet. So ill be here 5 minutes away from my old house when hes over there. SIGH!!!!! Oh well it will be good to stay busy. And may as well get the boys the day after christmas so she can go meet his folks. Nice to be of service. Hes probably gonna spend the night. I wonder if he knows we messed around less than a month beofre she saw him, i wonder if he knows shes gone on dates form plenty of fish or what ever. Perhaps she aint too serious about him, meeintg the folks seems kida serious though dont it.

[HaveFaithxx]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was not married for 17 years, but I can relate to your experience. My ex and I divorced after three years when my daughter was 2 years old. I moved to Norway to be with him. I had nothing when we split. I moved into a one room apartment and only had a mattress. I had very few friends and no job. I suffered from anxiety attacks, I thought I was losing my mind. I felt so bad, I couldn't even hold it together when I had my daughter. I tried to kill myself, but luckily ended up in the hospital and had my stomach pumped and was in the psych ward over night. I has heartbroken for years.....I never thought there would be a day that I could love someone as I loved him, or that I could be happy with the way my life is away from my family. We seperated 8 years ago. Now, I am still living in my one room flat. But, I have graduated from uni with my masters, landed my dream job and have fallen head over heels in love since then. It is still hard; it still hurts. But it is bearable. I have had my heartbroken again; so I feel like I am at square one. But I am better at coping now then the first time. As part of my recovery I have booked a last minute flight to Indonesia to go surfing, snorkeling and for the beach parties! It will get better; I promise. Go do something, fun and crazy, that you have never did before. And you have to listen to the way you speak to yourself. I went to cognitive therapy for awhile and it really helped. Everytime you say negative things to yourself like, "I am worthless", "I'll be alone forever", "I'll never be happy again" etc....Stop! And compliment yourself. My cognitive therapist made me write notes that I put up around my flat so that I would read them everyday; this also really helped: "I control my own destiny", "I make my own reality with my thoughts", "I control my thoughts; they don't control me". "My positive thoughts, give me a positive life". (I am translating from Norwegian so it might not be the best translation). Sounds silly maybe to you, but it really helped me.

 

My ex is now very successful and living with his gf and their 2 year old son. I wanted to die when they got together, and now I couldn't care less. It has nothing to do with me. It's his life, not mine. All I can control is my own, so I quit wondering what they were doing or if they were happy.

 

Its not like heartbreak affects me. I had anxiety attacks all day yesterday, and I miss him so much. But I would never want to take my life over someone again. Because I know life will be amaxing again some day. Take care of yourself. xx

[portableversion]

Had to shovel snow today, went in at 12:30 am and went solid hard core until 9:45. A co-worker invited me to have breakfast with him and his girlfriend. Or well he said she is just a girl hes banging. He told me how i just need to forget about the ex and her confusing mixed signals and find someone new. He told me bro ur a good looking guy and ur smart you should have no trouble finding someone in this town. I told him how this cute zumba teacher invited me to join her class. We kinda know each other, sometimes we'd work out together but shes seen me several times take the older one to karate. She is gorgeous and has an excellent figure. Earlier this year i had been working out after work and we ran into each other. It was after work so i had my landscaping outfit on she saw me and started a conversation with me. It was flirtatious for real and it felt good, i couldt believe she started a conversation with me. But she invited me to join her zumba class. I looked in the window and the class was packed with women, I thought it was so full one could perhaps feel claustraphobic. Co-worker told me this would be an excellent opportunity for me and id be sure to find someone in there and maybe even the teacher herself. She has no ring on her finger. Me and this teacher would be checking each other out for sure. I always thought she was a cutie. I said well im waitng to get laid off, it would be odd to be in a class with no other guys just surrounded by women but growing up in a house full of women has kinda prepared me for such settings. But also today at breakfast i got to know his gf a bit. It was good i was able to easily talk to her. Afterwards i told her hey you perhaps have a girlfriend whose single, bring her over to my place with you and john she said she would be looking to see amongst her friends who could be good for me!!

Just got back inside from smoking going into my apartment i heard the simpsons, id always watch that with the boys, and the little guy would lay nest to me on the couch , i say hey i want holding time andhe say yeah holding time. Its been the 1st time ever ive watched the simpsons alone. I didnt think i could do it but i went ahead and put it on and im ok, i havent broke down crying. Im getting better.

[portableversion]

you called me yesterday, I was suprised we ended being on the phone for over an hour. We did dwelve into topics that were a bit on the painful side but over all it was nice to hear from you. Perhaps we did make more progress in looking at what all went wrong. At least your willing to accept 30% now. Thats a doable figure , perhaps. I was definitely suprised and ultimately didnt know what to say when you said you wanted to give me a christmas present. It is touching Ill get you something too. Not sure how your boyfriend would like it but, oh well.

I definitely remember how you said well i havent heard from you in about 7 days or so, and i just wanted to know how your doing? I said well its another day, of keeping busy, got a lot going on these days. Its not much but i liked it you called me to check on me. Im not in a postion to really do it back right now, why should i ask how you are doing. Your excited about your new man a s far as i can tell, so life oughtta be kinda exciting or something. I did i had to tell you that i am a heart broken shattered individual , and really for now i just need to stay away from you. I cant see you or hear you, its unavoidable but the more distance the better. it is good i can admit that about myself being honest about it helps for some reason. It me and who i am right now, but i neeed to always like myself and so this is alright. I need to think about this, i have feeeling for you , which you claim to no longer feel for me. Thats fine i understand that, i got drunk and yelled at you about sex and other things in front of the kids and my behavior was unexcusable. Oh well im in aa now, on step nine.

It does appear you are reaching out to me, this happens everytime, you call or many times ive called. Really we have yet to go for very long with out trying to talk. Im just not sure i can do that now. You have before expressed interest in rebuilding friendship but we both do still have old angers ruining the situation. Ive confronted alot of my anger in step 4 and that has offerd much relief but at times it can still smart. And now my jealousy is here. its not so bad but it could lead to negative commnents.

Well either way it was good to talk like we did. I truly enjoyed those moments, im glad you called. I want to call you back but im not going to, i cant.

[portableversion]

Well its cgristmas eve and im sure im like a lot of others who are spending it while coping with a new sense of lonliness and loss. I know i am. I want to be with the family i helped to create but no. INstead im at my sisters and her family. I rememebr in the past when the ex had thrown me out and id have to retreat here for awhile. I didnt like it then and i still dont like it now, but now it is my life and there is nothing to try to get back to. Well something different is my church attendance, i dont really want to go today but i will. Its in our papers she will have them for the x-mas holidays. This season will be ruined for me forever. may as well rebuild it as a religious experience. This approach is so different from my old life that perhaps it can help me forget. What a disaster. Its so difficult to be positive. IM so lonely. May as well try to reach out for the love of god, i aint got much else. Im not even sure if i want to see the rest of my extended family , sometimes i think it would be easier to just go back to my apartment and just lie in bed all day, and read more of my books. There is so much around me i just dont care about any more, so much of the world has lost the luster it used to have. I was at the store and saw x-mas decorations i used to get excited and think of new stuff to but for the house wonder if the boys or the ex would like it and think of the holiday feel it would add. But today i see them and i have a numb feeling of nothingness. At least it was better than crying.

I cant believe the personal devastation from this divorce, its unimaginable. id better goto church. Its all i got left to try.

[portableversion]

well i made my attempt to talk to the boys tonight, they were busy and excited to see their cousins, so our conversation was very short. Oh well I guess its just something i will eventually get used to. I am so sorry for not figuring a better way out of this. oh well i dont think you really care your more excited about your boyfriend, so you've got everything, you want. Geez i had been miserable before but now it seems to be even worse for me.

A lot of things i have been reading lately involve forgetting the self to serve others. It seems worth a shot, hopefully i can find something soon. Im tired of feeling this way. It would be nice to feel good. But for real that means i have to bear the knowledge my family is busted up and yet enjoy life? And be able to be happy again and smile a lot. I just dont see it happening. All i can do now is just hang on, take it one day at a time. I almost feel sick right now, sick with grief. I suppose it is better this way me and her just could not get along at all anymore. I dont know for me beneath all the angers and resentment there was a bond of feelings that survived thru it all but it didnt have the answers to make it work.

[tori0001]

Merry Christmas. Time will heal your wounds.

[portableversion]

thanx ofr all the responses, really this is just an online journal where i chronicle my grief and loss, and will perhaps uncover my mistakes. I ve done alot of that already but who knows. This is horrible, ive been out since june 2nd and i still cry. looks like the future has nothing to offer but more tears. So you know what ill cry some more. ONe of these days ill feel ok. 17 yrs of effort gone and done. and hes in town again. oh well it aint so much him but her. I miss you so much. i shoulve hung up on you on saturday but instead i sat there and talked to you for over an hour

[portableversion]

why did you call me? why do you care how ive been doing? Why do you want to know what ive been up to? Why dont you just focus on ur boyfriend in from the army?Im still messed up from saturday, i should not have talked to you. you upset me i can tbelieve we were divorced **** you

[portableversion]

went to go pick up the boys today, i tried my best to ignore you and not even look at you, sure i answered ur questions and that was it, they were simple questions so no anwer was needed other than yes no or fine. It actually feels good to do that, but for real why try to to do more than that. You wanted me out of your life, ive been utterly destroyed from this, all you get from me is the business professional. No reason to offer more not when you destroyed me from this divorce. I sacrificed and invested su much of myself into you. Have fun with your boyfriend. **** you

[portableversion]

Merry Christmas. Time will heal your wounds.

 

dang i saw a post of urs on another thread, where you were dating a friend of ur hubby's I dont want to be judgemental but its things like that that can make a fella say **** it im gonna go walk along the tracks and wait for the train to come. For me i cant really think of anything much worse than being rejected by ur woman and then to loose her to a so called friend. These are the things that can scar a man for a very long time. people just take for granted how powerful sex is and what it does to people. Dang my ex at least had the decency to shag a fella i dont know and it still caused suicidal feelings in me. Ive had to discuss it with a lot of people. My therapist, the folks at group, folks at aa. others had to share the same thing, going thru the grief and tormoil of knowing their love is now shagging a buddy of theirs. My sponsor knows personally of 2 of his buddies who actually did kill themsleves over it. He was very worried about me, im terrified of women now. i dont think ive got the skin to take anymore. Geez my older sister and my cousin have both done this to their men. The wreckage and devastation left behind from such activities is nothing short of impressive and terrific. It is a thorough and complete ruination of certain guys.These women have no clue of how dangerous and harmful the things they do are, more likely they do know but dont care or perhaps enjoy wreaking havoc.. Ive been so desperate ive been forced to crawl into church, confession multiple times, other meetings with the priests on the side, this in conjunction with the above mentioned self helps. I dont know i was thinking of killing my self again the other day. I dont hav my bullets here yet they are still at the old house though i do have my guns. They tell me i have to live ofr my boys so i do. **** this there is nothing worse than getting rejected by ur love and to be replaced by someon else. I cant imagine what it is but maybe some good can come from surviving such a horrible catastrophe. I woulde rather gone thru katrina or hurricane sandy than this. Loosing a house or material goods has got to be easier to heal from than having your soul ripped to shreds.

[portableversion]

another day here and slowly passing away. i was sick today and did not goto work . i twas nice to have extra time with the boys but they themsleves remind me of us and always will. ill never forget those days i got you pregnant. It was kinda nerve wracking but it was beautiful at the same time. i had an ah ha moment the other day. i was reading a book given to me by my group facilitators called "be a man" written by fr. larry richards .on page 148 he says when a man gives his sperm to his wife he is saying " i give you my life i give you all that i am." this is deep i had concluded this from deep meditations in the past and you said i was a pig or had been lost to lust well here is a priest backing up what i had said. You hurt me so bad with those feminist tirades from andrea dworkin. I had been giving you eveything i was and had my money my life and my time, but it did not fit ur own definitions of what it is to live life, and now you destroyed me with the ultimate, a spiritual rape known as divorce. i forgive you

[portableversion]

istill love you and miss you, what did we do here? this is so wrong, **** this world and what people do to each other, i wish i was dead, have fun with your boyfriend **** you

[portableversion]

i try to forgive you but perhaps on my end of things it is just empty words backed with no meaning or substance, im sure you understand that

[portableversion]

over 6 months out and im still a broken and shattered individual, this stinks confronting this everyday sober, scrrew this im gonna get drunk and high, perhaps ill finally have the courage to off my self. in dont know why this hurts so bad but it does, ive never experienced so much pain and anguish.

[portableversion]

well another suprise visit, i was sleeping on the couch and heard you knocking on my door. you were over here shaking me down for blurting things out to eric. he and the little guy heard someone knocking on the neighbors door and thought it was here, i said no noone comes to see me. He asked dont i have friends and i said they are mostly still married and are busy with their families, and that upset him. Im sorry crap like that probabaly is gonna slip out once in awhile. I just dont quite yet have my act together. But yeah i suppose one day i wont care anymore and ill be able to say hey my family is destroyed and my soul mate is shagging someon else and i feel good, geeze cant you see how intense my smile is. I love having my family destroyed, its awesome! NOT!!! There is no recovery from this, ill be scarred for the rest of my life. Ill heal but ill have a permament limp

So you stopped by wanting to make sure im ok. I told you dont worry about it, go call your boyfriend and ask him how hes doing. you divorced me, thats the point right? you dont have to worry about me any more. Funny you wanted to give me a hug, i did try to resist but you were persistant. it was also good for me to admit to you that im now ignoring you, your gonna have to leave a message.

[tori0001]

Wish there was a miracle pill to make the pain go away, but its going to take time. Baby steps. I'm sorry for what you're feeling.

[portableversion]

i called yesterday to say hello to the boys. They had already gone to your folks' house. You did want to talk to me, we were onthe phone for over a half hour. You felt inspired to tell me things about your office. The funny part was when you offered me a job.

We had a nice conversation. I am torn , perhaps i should've told you i was busy and needed to go, but i sat there instead and listen to you talk to me for over 30 min. Why do you want to talk to me. You divorced me and supposedly wanted me out of your life and hes in town.

I swallowed my pride and sat there and listened, i even got you to laugh a time or two. What is all this between us? I love you and never wanted this divorce, when people normally do this they really cut ties, but yet here we are. Alll i can do is be polite as possible, i have no idea what it may lead to but nonetheless it was nice to have a pleasant conversation with you. I still dont like ur boyfriend, but all well maybe someday someone will like me too. It would be nice if it was you.

[portableversion]

The confusion goes on. For some reason, i had to go to your website u post on. You said such horrible things about me, it was horrible, and somone esle said so 2 and started to crticize ur posts. I was lost to rage and blasted a bunch of things on there, It did get personal but its all anymous, i did delete it after a few hours , funny we were on there the same time.

I've had to conclude, that i cant see you at all right now. We have to be nice to each other in spite of the fact its over and you have a boyfriend, or at least haviing success in dating.

I cant believe it, this all just appears so 2 faced. And you were over here asking me how i was doing. And then to say such horible things about me. wtf?We obviously still have dangerous levels of anger between us, and maybe its getting worse. The stupid divorce really hasnt dealt with it. I want a healthy solution for sure. It probably wont happen.

I was happy to see you again though, that last time and i wanted you to visit with me.

Its too hard for me now, it leaves aftershocks that send me spinning,for a few days because of how it all is now. You probably wont come by for awhile now anyway since i flamed that thread.

Oh well new years resolution never ever goto that website again. And i guess if by chance you do stop by in the future i shouldnt let you in. It just upsets me ultimately. This is so messed up.

I made sure to discuss this round of events with my divorce counselor. She told me to hang in there, and im not alone in doing stupid stuff after a divorce, and she wasnt suprised. But yeah dont do it again.SHe told me this is a point in a lot of peoples lives where they do things they regret later. Its just being human and being divorced. it was encouraging in that she also told me desipte this setback, ive grown and healed since shes known me. So yeah!!!! im getting better.

Its still lousy called the big guy today and he said how you guys are going to a basketball game and i knew i wouldnt be there. OH the moving on.

So heres the begining of 2013, the beginnings of a complete retool of my life.

Edited January 2, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

I am glad for my divorce people. They had actually called me on new yr, to wish me well. I was touched, though i missed their call since im out of town and my phone dont work here.

IM lucky no one else signed up for this round of classes they offer, because ive had 2 people all to my self. What luck for me, ive sure needed it.

I was on the phone with her for a long time discussing my flaming, and other things going on now, and what all this is or could be, and the best way to move forward. She shared with me what it was like for her the 1st time she had to drop off the kids to her ex souse and his gf was there. Im definitely gonna keep in touch with these people.

[portableversion]

OK so yesterday, i came to the idea it was time to hand write a letter and send it to the x saying she is no longer to come over here without my permission, and that we cant talk to each other other than the kids, and aswell i apologized for flaming the thread, but i confronted her on saying false and negative things about me painting me to be a dead beat dad not giving her any money which is completely false.

 

but i also once again professed my undying love and desire for us to get back together, and its simple because i have such strong clear cut feelings and ideas that i cant be around her unless she wants to try to work on things. she in the past has told me many time she misses me, hopes and wishes we could get back together etc..etc. but not ready at this time to commit

 

i told her it seemed dishonest that she could be nice to my face and on the phone and yet talk all that smack and crap behind my back, or was it really behind my back she knows ive gone to that website alot. A few weeks ago she asked me if i had read a certain thread...sooooo

 

so she got the letter today and called me. oh the tensions are high she ended up crying on the phone and stuff telling me she hates this divorce and blames me, all i could do was say im sorry for being an alcoholic and doing what i did. im trying my best. she asked me if i drank at my sisters and i said yes, though i did not get blasted and it was moderate drinking but still it bothered me. with all the trouble alcohol has brought me

 

i mean that was what prompted her to divorce me was my drinking so its because of alcohol that i lost my most prescious and yet there i was drinking over the holidays. a voice did come to me and say forget it no sense being sober now, its not like its gonna bring the family back together so may as well grab a beer. it was an odd time with mixed feelings, couldnt really enjoy myself and felt kinda crappy.

 

shes gonna call me back after a few she had an appointment we are gonna talk more, she asked me do you really want to get back together and i said yes i do but we got issues besides my drinking the therapist has identified and all this anger too. Sjes gonna call back. im gonna clean my apartment a bit in case she comes over with the little guy

[portableversion]

oh my love why did you get so upset on the phone now? Why did you end up crying? You said you were upset that many posters did offer sympathies to me, sure i said stuff about the divorce to your face back in the day but it was all grand standing ive told you that before. Look at what i did, i didnt fight you at all i just signed your stuff and cried like a baby.

 

Why do you care you had also said you were done and the fact i had about 4-5 times gotten drunk and yelled at you for our sex life in front of the kids sent you over the edge.understandably so, that a horrible crime with no justification. you knew i was in aa now, but then that did upset you aswell, you were crying about that one day wondering why i didnt go sooner.

 

So why do you care if i tell you to not come over here, why do you care i professed my love for you.

 

i thought you moved on with this long distance thing with mr esquire gone soldier.

 

babe my getting drunk and yelling about sex was just garbage on my side of the street, youve got some crap that definitely needs sorted out, are you ready to hear what my therapist has said about us? It aint good but it's nothing that cant be overcome.

 

what do you want?

 

ok its time to light my st.jude candle say some prayers and put catholic tv on, i need help like now, like yesterday

[portableversion]

i dont know what it means or where this is going, but the 3 hour phone conversation seemed to be very productive. I was suprised you have come around and thought more about how you could've done things better. It made me feel good that more often now you can see it was more than just my drinking.

 

it takes 2 to destroy the relationship for sure. That had to have been the most productive conversation we've had about us going wrong and why. Im sure there is more to hammer out, some of the items were just touched upon. But thats better than it had ever been in resolving these things.

 

I think you do agree that what ever drove us apart is still alive and can put us furthur apart even yet, the divorce has done little to solve those things, it just got us away from each other and screwed our taxes. Perhaps as your anger continues to die down we can cover more. god it would be nice to be able to achieve full blown reconcilliation.

 

you are not sure about your boyfriend, funny he doesnt like your favorite restaurants, you did say sweet things to me again listing all the things you miss, well that is until the boys got onto you for food.

 

Not sure why you were offering to divuldge so much about him to me, i just had to say no i dont want to know, its bad for my recovery, but then you still had to blurt out how his folks took you guys and his nephew to outback steakhouse. I said wow you guys are so serious, then your response of pullback... you do have reservations and hesitations. I can tell you have some measure of uncomfortableness with him. I dont know why but its obvious, oh well its not so bad that you didnt mind all the sex you 2 have had.

 

Im not sure if i should call you in a few days or keep up the program of waiting for you 2 call, more prayer more therapy, more aa, more church. 7 am mass is the bomb im going there again tomorrow

 

Great mighty jesus please come to me and my ex-wife, restore our relationship into one of a loving committed one, protect us from the harsh criticisms of our families, her folks and mine. Grant us the wisdom to solve and overcome what drove us apart.

Edited January 8, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

just got off the phone to make my daily call to the boys. I made a realization, ive cried and cried and cried so much from this divorce that perhaps i dont even notice it any more. It was a short conversation of course, but after i got off the phone i thought my eyelashes felt a little funny, i wiped my eyes and realized they were wet with tears.

 

i went to my last session of group yesterday and told them of all the latest happenings. They said something that really hit home. They told me that me and the ex had moved so many times that for the longest time thats all we had was each other, we existed in our own little bubble relying so much on each other. They are sure that its gonna be hard for either one of us to let go, for 17 years we literally had only each other.

 

same thing goes for the town here neither one of us are from here, it was the latest of our travels of living and experiencing new and strange places.

 

i told them much of the 3 plus hours i had onthe phone with the ex yesterday. they said they believe that she truly does want to be friends and that i was the only friend she has had for so long, that if i can get my **** together, they she her really wanting to maintain that friendship.

 

i said well thats nuts if we do do that she aint gonna be able to date if i can maintain being her best friend, its gonna cause problesm with her new men.Plus no waomna is gonna want to be with me if i have such a tight connection with her too. They both agreed they still think that ultimatley that we may actually get back together. they've counseled so many divorced people and not many have been in the type of shoes that we wear.

 

Either way they said it was good i sent that letter setting some new boundaries and they had a alot to say about her reaction to it, man she was crying on the phone about it.

 

I told the ex man youve moved on with your new man, she said not hardly, i said bs c'mon. She offered to tell me anything i wanted to know about mr alaska, i said no i dont want to know.

 

she bluted well i went to dinner with him and his folks and i said well see you all have movved on to a new deeper level. She said i dont know what to think of him. I said really? I said man if he still lived here you 2 would be so tight, and she said no way at all. She said he wouldnt leave me alone. Soi said you like it he lives very far away and she said yes i do if he were here he would not leave me alone.

 

He does not ike the restaurants like you did, i miss many things abiut you, i miss my restaurant buddy, he dont like all the ethnic foods that i do, and i miss your music you listened to. I sadi no way i thought you dint really care for my music, she said no ive liked it and its definitely a unique collection that no one else likes. Its true who esle loves tsintscaro by hamlet gonasvili.

[portableversion]

one thing that really gets me is when we had our 3 plus hour conversation. I told her ya know it sounds like you guys are getting more serious u've had dinner with his folks so it looks to be moving to a more deeper level.

She said i dont know what to think of him, and i do miss alot of things about you.

 

i said well if he were here you 2 would totolly hit it of and she said no way, he would not leave me alone, i said so its good then he lives so far away and she agreed.wtf?

 

She then askes me would it help you if you were to meet him. I said hell no, why would i want to do that, i dont want to mee this guy at all.

 

SHe then asked me would i want to try to fight him and beat him up, and i said no i wouldnt want to do that.

 

The x is messing with my head!!!!!!!!!!!! Why would she say such a thing to me, i should've just got off the phone with her.

 

divorce counselor hit it on the head we moved so many times while together all we had was each other, really never had a larger circle of friends