im so messed up

[portableversion]

ah well I suppose shes home now from getting plowed by her bf and the boys are with her.

 

I saw the mugs of hot chocolate on the table the boys left from last night, I almost don't want to wash them, I did put them in the sink but I paused and stood there for a bit remembering them drinking it last night.

 

saw a little car on the floor where the little guy left it and other things they scattered about

 

perhaps this is a bit of what older parents go thru with the empty nest syndrome, at least that's a natural process, I suppose I got a heads up on old age and death.

 

having my role as a dad destroyed has really hurt a lot too, the only thing I can do is pray about it everyday.

 

At surviving divorce they said pray to god tell jesus about ur losses from being spiritually raped and he will heal you. Its taken a lot and ive cried so much over this I guess its working , I wonder when ill really start to enjoy myself, and get used to the fact a life long dream of being a dad is dead and gone.

 

I am certain that since so much of my identity has been wiped out thru spiritual rape, It is crucial to remain in aa to develop a healthy identity, I am a blank slate now.

Edited April 22, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

woke up today and like always I start with my prayers.

 

I got some more ill say in a bit, still had a twinge of sadness but I do know now that indeed this last trip and her continual involvement has snapped something inside of me, my caring has diminished. I still don't want to hear her voice or look at her and I just find myself feeling ok with that.

 

17 wiped out and done **** it bring it on.

 

Im excited about my new job, soon hopefully this week ill start and this guy works a lot of hours. Im a bricklayer assistant, if I can survive it ill be a bricklayer myself someday. I finally have found a real job and now she aint around to sabotage it . She cant force me to move to some strange town only to have to start all over again, only then to yell at me for being a looser who cant find a decent job, harping on me putting me down and hurting me.

 

 

ANd she said she loved me greatly well she had a lousy way of showing it, chronic disrespect and no sex, and not willing to share in decision making. My input was never wanted or valued it was her way or the highway. I remember each and every time we moved it was always what she wanted to do and I was not allowed to challenge it at all, well unless I wanted a divorce. I have a feeling that each time we moved was an opportunity for me to get out, I doubt she would've cared as far as I can tell she really started to treat me like crap after the wedding, oh and the honey moon we didn't have sex for several days. Actually I don't think we had sex one time on the honeymoon.

 

Though if she has to move I would be tempted anyway to be close to the boys.

 

But this new job is going to do so much for me , the long term potential for wages is a heck of a lot more exciting than my old job.

 

Then too I will share in the building of a house. This is so awesome ive tried to get into this line of work before, the last time I had a serious chance we moved before I could get started.

 

But now if a woman asks me what I do ill have something much more glamorous to say than mowing yards.

 

IM gonna get buff stay in shape, and eventually be making some real money. Ill have it all to offer something to a new woman, a big paycheck and a real mans body and a heart of love.

 

I just know this job is going to help me get a self confidence I have not possessed in many years. I really see myself being in the grocery store possessing a bravado to flirt hard core with the women, oh what do you do? I lay bricks,, oh that a hard job, yeah what do you recommend I use to treat all these callouses on my hands..

 

Yeah find a woman who wont push me around one who will respect me and love me and wont have weird hang ups in the bedroom and will reciprocate my generous giving nature. Someone who actually knows how to be a team player as opposed to being a dictator. Someone who does not have such a jaded view of people, someone whose not obsessed with having a ton of money. A woman of love and intimacy. Honest to yeah she gotta be honest and loyal. Ill find her, itll be easier to find this new lady than hoping x will change.

 

Perhaps my divorce counselor was right one day ill look back on my divorce and realize it was the beginning of my life into something new and way better. A new era where I was able to get away from tyranny and abuse and to finally grow and develop and shine, a new man the man I was meant to be. Sponsor said I have stunted development from excessive chastisement.

 

I do find that hard to believe, really all these blessings should be shared with my family, oh well, she prefers soldier esquire. either way this job is truly a gift just the perfect medicine I need. Its gonna be a game changer on so many levels. Ill have something I do that excites me and women will want to hear about. It'll take time but good things are headed my way.

oh well I will continue to pray that god can heal us and bring us together, these problems are not impossible to solve

[portableversion]

ug was at the bank today depositing my last check, and low and behold I was looking out the window and I saw her drive by, im sure she didn't see me but it sure felt weird nonetheless, all I could think man this is so wrong, but she got the fresh scent of other man on her, man I need to get this crap out of my head, rebuild my life and forget all this. I felt a surge of anger and jealousy and regret along with a tinge of sadness. Gotta get her out of my head shes in love with someone else and this thing is serious it was started before we were divorced. Oh such pain this stinks so bad I have to conclude that I do still love her very much, this is why its all so troubling, if I truly didn't feel that towards her I would not care, id just be happy to no longer be with her but that's not the case.

 

A person I know told me today to watch the tao of steve, they said it deals with how to be friendly or friends with an x u love and they are having sex with someone else but yet they want to be ur friend, I better watch it.

 

found out today the tower climber job don't pay very well and has no health insurance or anything. Well if it stayed local it wouldn't be so bad but living in a hotel and being up so high forget it

Edited April 23, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

omg took a nap , in the dream I was feeling so badly that I miss her and I was crying in my dream, I finally woke up and was really crying.

 

IN the dream I was at church crying while singing a song and then my confirmation sponsor's wife gave me a hug.

 

IN real life on holy Saturday I had to fill out questionnaire about the confirmation experience, I wrote I was sad I was with out my family and I wished they were there. As it was time to leave and go home I was speaking to Sharon whose husband was my sponsor and she runs the program, I was thinking this and how these people had given me a place to go for many months on Monday evening and they became my family and I knew I was going back to my lonely apartment. And also I was reaching out to god so hard to try to heal from this cause I love my ex and miss her terribly and I did start crying in front of her and I had to give her a hug and she gave me a big hug as I had tears running down my face, I got it together long enough and got in my car and cried profusely on the way home.

 

2nd part of my dream I live in large apartment complex and the boys were coming over I had them, my mom stopped by too, for some reason we got into my car and my mom was driving and I started to cry cause I miss the ex so much, my mom patted me on my shoulder and said it will get better with time..

 

It was then I woke up and realized I was soaking my pillow.

 

I do still miss her and am still very hurt over this. Oh man moved out june 2nd 2012 and divorced on aug 7th and still hurting , still crying..

 

Funny the confirmation class there were many many times I was crying as I went home from them, also too been many times I started crying in church too. over all ive cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Edited April 23, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

had single and parenting tonight, kevin was there this time. He told me that my love for my ex was is a real and as true as it can get, sure I did bad things to drive her away but hes not so sure she loved me like I loved her.

 

he encouraged me and said that I do have a real big heart and am a nice guy and there would be lots of women out there if they knew me would be so good for me and id be so good for them.

 

he also told me he does not know how ive managed to keep my sanity with her coming over like I have he said remember jesus died only once on the cross with her uve been killed numerous times over and over again and yet u keep it together.

 

Yeah its the insanity of true love, I said well I knew what I was talking about when I said till death do us part I had thought about it long and hard and knew shed be in my heart forever, and I have my proof now, she divorced me and has been with other man, and I still dream of her.

 

sure whatever kevin it would be nice to have a woman who loves me the way I love her, im gonna have to get this woman

(x) out of my head. is it possible, I guess I just need more time.

 

Seems she has agreed we just keep it to the kids perhaps now I can get on this horse to ride the **** out of this and be ready to have the love I need and deserve.

 

He made sure to tell me about uncoupled catholics he met his wife there and told me of others who are getting married from meeting there. By golly im gonna go.

 

As I goto church I see the tranquility and joy on these peoples faces they seem to be much freer from the stress of life and can really love their spouse, I see how they hold hands in church and the way they hug each other, oh it would be so nice to have that, to find a true team mate where we rely on the love we have for each other and the love of god to get thru it all. Some one who makes no bones about it and believes love is all that matters, and will openly and freely say that.

[portableversion]

Cannot believe this crap. Dropped off the boys tonight and was just getting my hookah fired up, with some new orange tobacco.

 

I hear a knocking on my door I do chain it and then crack it, its her, she wants to come in and talk I said im busy she said no ur not I said we can talk thru the door, she said this is embarrassing let me in I said ok.

 

I said I really don't want to see u she said I don't want to see you either.

 

SHe asks where was it I sold my wedding ring I said this place down the street, she said u didn't by chance sell some of my stuff did you?

 

I said what ?!!! I never stole from you. I know u thought of my like ur stupid clients.......what she don't know is that their psychosis infiltrated her psyche and she projected it onto me. SHe may never realize this and just blame others, noticing the splinter in the eyes of others while not noticing the log stuck in her own

 

 

I said this is insulting id never steal from you get the **** out of here, go away leave.

 

she left I sent text she tried to text me we did chat on the phone for a bit about that and other things she finally got to the point to that I was saying upsetting things to older son some comment that I wished I was dead. I think I t was an macabre comment of the tower climber job I applied for I finally hung up on her, she was telling me im stuck on the past and I need to be an adult, and get on antidepressants.

 

Shes a complete fool ive spoken to professionals, and yeah sure i may be stuck on the past but duh with 17 yrs and then needing a complete retool of personal identity at the ripe age of 38..........

 

I hung up on her and then sent a text telling her shes being completely inconsiderate and I don't need this.. such bs.... I did not call her a fool or tell her she was being naïve nor did I tell her she absorbed the psychosis and hyper sensitivity of her clients and projected it on me..

 

She nuts absolutely insane, omg she needs to stay the hell away from me , the folks at aa got it together more than she does.

 

ah one of these days I wont have to deal with it at all anymore, im sure shell have to push all this psychotic garbage on her bf, and good let him deal with it. She gonna see real quick he aint gonna tolerate it like I did, geez why did I for so long?

 

Oh that's right I had hard core true love, I made serious attempt to always be forgiving and tolerant of her craziness which just steadily got worse thru the years

 

I wonder if its progressing, seem like perhaps it is.

 

GOd this woman is a vey sick person please help her and grant me the strength to not get angry and show me how I can help her

Edited April 25, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

its really none of my business nor my place to identify to her the psychotic garbage polluting her mind. IN reality doing so will only delay her getting the help she needs to figure it out, shell just get defensive and retaliate, all I can do is get more strength to push back when it starts to hurt me. And then too her bs is complex like mine was and an experienced person is needed, but therapy is dubious its too easy to lie to these people.. "is there anything more you'd like to discuss today..... nope I got nothing.... ok see you next week."

 

Oh well she gonna have to figure it out one of these days, life is not going to go her way, it could be for now but in the long run its gonna cause her a lot of trouble, and for the kids since they live with her I really hope for their sake she figures it out sooner than later, my people are worried about them, she runs the real risk of damaging them, ive got experienced trained, licensed professionals and others telling me this, sure I had garbage but I got help and continue onwards with it, her help is to shag some player guy and blame others, real smart real smart. SHe needs to grow up like now.

 

oh well the professionals say its important for me to get a good job with money they predict the boys will eventually want/need to flee from her if she don't figure herself out. All I can say is boys im trying this new job should be the ticket. If they are correct id really drop a load in my pants, It would be awesome to have them more often. Keep them safe from her bs.

 

I didn't address her on the story older son depicts of her getting angry and violent with him he never wants to go back there as it is, perhaps I need to keep a closer eye on this. God help me

Edited April 25, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

OK so the topic was us being able to be amicable enough to discuss the kids.

 

Though it is connected to us, I decided to go ahead and discuss more of how we went wrong..

 

 

Analysis and conclusion from convo: She has no interest or regret in our demise still just thinks im just sore she has someone else and I don't. Personally I view this as childish and immature...uh we were married and have kids, we have a moral obligation to figure this out, and rebuild the family.

 

She still very reluctant or does not care one bit how she hurt me, she has not enough regret to get to the bottom of how she hurt me, sure she said she was not happy of the outcome but for real if the dissatisfaction, and regret was large enough shed have made serious effort to learn of her garbage and how it contributed to the demise, and figure out how it went wrong from her side and figure out how she was a lousy wife. Shes not sorry at all, all that matters to her is that she not be exposed to my potential analysis or advanced discovery of how she hurt me, she don't want to hear it

 

All she had to say was sure ok I did stuff that was wrong but I don't love you the way a wife should and I don't want to have sex with you.

 

Really a very simpleton analysis not worthy of what our marriage was, more of an armchair reflection which don't amount to much at all.

 

She don't care shes got her man and don't want to do the heavy lifting to self examine. The wedding vows were indeed wasted on her. My mental space is wasted on her. Oh so sad once again she just encouraged me to date. It aint gonna happen until im totally over this. And it has not even been a year yet. NO point of just using a woman to kill the loneliness I have.

 

Pah she said she was willing to be alone such bs she had mr alaska lined up well before the divorce was final.

 

Ive got to get her out of my mind is it possible to pray to god to do this? All she can do is just focus on how I went wrong and how I hurt her, ive tried my best and expended great amounts of effort to explore what she had to say and did indeed discover much merit in what she said but what I did find was how it was wrong in ways she don't understand, the nature of the error was full of surprises.

 

Now when I explain to her a bit of how she hurt me her solution is just oh well I got new man and i don't want you.. She has no interest in getting to the bottom of it to make sure she don't repeat it again. She has no regret in that who she is led to the demise. This tells me she never really had a serious genuine love for me

 

For me I really had to get to the bottom of it . I felt it was a sinister crime and I have to do all I can to never ever repeat, because I had a massive amount of respect for our marriage. It is a very special thing and assurances have to be made to never ever repeat this. ANd also out of respect for the huge amount I love ive had for her it deserved it

 

She thinks the divorce is perfectly fine, and it was the proper thing to do, get divorce and shag others and don't really figure out what went wrong just blame the other guy and paint them as dirt bag...Ugg she makes me ill. How could I get so wrapped up into a person which did not honor the vows the way I did.

 

She has no idea that the person she was led to a horrible catastrophe and she has no desire to guarantee to never be that way again, just a simple I don't love you anymore and its time to try with someone else. Really made me sick to hear what she had to say. Im sure now I loved her way more than she did me

 

She aint got what it takes to take marriage seriously, it either goes her way or it don't

 

so difficult this has utterly destroyed me she don't even appreciate that the love I feel for her is as real and genuine as it can get, most folks act the way she does and just blame others, for me my love was so great for her I was fearless to see how I was wrong and bad person. I found solutions but she don't care shes satisfied with broken family and bringing in possible step dad, so sad so sad so sad.

 

SHed rather have a blended family or a broken family, That does take less courage than to look inside oneself and see the ugliness inside and try to fix it

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! *(^#$^#(^(^%

[portableversion]

Im sure she was busy searching for my replacement, as soon as she found mr alaska was willing to be her man it was time to file for divorce, bro was lined up before the papers were filed. I know he helped talk her into it, if the bible is correct hes gonna pay dearly for that and anyone else who encouraged her to file

[portableversion]

really regretting letting her in this morning, she completely disrespected me and betrayed me and destroyed my life.

 

sure it was about the kids but that could've been done over the phone, oh well I did have the strength and courage to tell her to her face that she did nothing to address her abusive ways and it was abusive.

 

such a waste sure I got kids from it but I don't see them hardly any more, was it worth it hell no, huge waste of my life, I sacrificed so much for her and she had no ability to properly fix things so horrible so terrible. I followed her around so much so she could get her career on track im back to what it was at 18 yrs old. she said some crap oh someone had to get the money.

 

Such bs it was not worth it her folks give her a ton of cash every year and the jobs she got were so negative and made her psychotic which she projected on to me. The money was not worth it at all, my niece wants to be a lawyer and i told her don't do it. you will be surrounded by horrible shallow people and you'll get mean and bitter more than likely, go into nursing or accounting but not law, become a vet.

[portableversion]

I was just recalling when we both had simple low paying jobs and we were so much happier, a nicer house, nicer neighborhood and the job required to maintain that was not worth it.

 

We had much better times pinching pennies living in simple places. It was not as fancy but it was easier to just be there for each other, we didn't need the extra stuff her folks and mine were so generous with clothing and diapers.

 

Traded love for a nice house and other glitzy shiny things, so not worth it. This also reminds my trip to port au prince I saw people who had nothing but they were happy and they had happy marriages, no junk and clutter to distract one from what truly mattered......love and then too the inconvenience of poverty makes it more likely to have to work together as a team on more projects

 

been studying st francis he said lady poverty was the way to go.

 

 

I remember when she was considering applying for law school she said she wanted money power and prestige, never thought it would steal away from love but it seems it really did , those ****ers stole my wife from me. I need to add the legal profession to my list of resentments

Edited April 26, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

oh great mighty God, I am sorry for all the sins I have committed and the harm they have brought to others. I am thankful for the good things I still have in my life, like fresh air food water and shelter and the few precious moments I have with my boys.

 

I now humbly ask that you come to me and my ex wife give us soft and pure hearts, guide us on a path where we can put aside all these differences and love each other much more than we had before. Rebuild our marriage into a relationship that is more loving and committed and intimate than what it was before. Lead us to the path of reconciliation so our family can be together the way it should be. I ask this in the name of Jesus the holy virgin mother mary, all the angels and saints come to us lead us and guide us on a path of reunification and restoration, amen.

[portableversion]

tried to call home to talk to the boys no one answered, just another day of no contact with my boys.

 

X yesterday said they were my family shes dead wrong if they were my family I could see them whenever I wanted and since im their dad id be there everyday and id be with their mom, and id be sleeping there at night. Shes wrong I no longer have a family of my own, well I guess I got my sisters who are far away and my mom aswell who lives about 2 hrs from here

 

I no longer have a family just 2 boys I have a biological connection to. Cant wait for the day where I can smile at my life, don't see it happening this is a hell that don't end. Right now im just getting numb.

 

Her definition of family is skewed im sure she don't understand this pain she has them everyday. Families live together, they don't toss out a member and only talk when they want to extract resources like money and favors. I can only see them when it suits her schedule like when shes gonna have shag session with the father replacement figure(who lives extremely far away) or if her work schedule warrants it, once again the decision making process is not in my hands at all, well i do get my every other weekend and one day a week. ANy bonus time is doled out per her convenience, despite other attempts I made when laid off when I was here day after day with nothing to do and no place to go, except grocery store and aa meetings and church

 

I just go thru the motions nothing interests me nor can I afford to do much other than goto the grocery store, almost went to a meeting tonight but didn't even want to bother with it. NO place to go no one to talk to just prayers to god. This is my only option hope God can make it happen we can all get back together someday and all be together. I am missing out on their lives and im very much alone, who the hell else can I hang out with to fill this gap..........no one there is no one I can be with who can make me feel good about this. This is death

Edited April 27, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

further thoughts and reflections of interesting concepts discussed and explored at the meetings just recently.

 

A huge danger is resentment it can consume a person. IN a situation where u felt for sure someone was bad to you and did some injustice to you, it has to be all broken down.

 

List the person your angry with, then list why, then check off specifically the various losses. all offences take away from social interaction in general ie lost people to hang out with, and then loss of money ,and loss of sex. Some offences will harm all the areas while some my only affect one thing.

 

then me I have to then list what I did wrong in that situation, then determine how it was wrong it was either dishonest ,selfish or based off fear, or inconsiderate.

 

then the analysis goes further to place all these mistakes in one of the sins or other vice like places. then pair off with the opposite virtues or whatever.pray for the virtues and actively seek behaviors n those things, opportunities are kept in mind at all times to practice these they could come about anytime any place. once again easier said than done.

 

It really has a chilling effect for sure after some amount of time the other person should be approached and then u explain how u were wrong and take ownership of ur garbage, they say you can sayyour sorry but sometimes deeds and not words are needed. and its recommended to not do this if obvious anger is between the 2 people.

 

NOw heres the kicker the goal is not to necessarily make them feel better or you to feel better though it sure can, and you should not have any expected results, this is presented as a way to develop a healthy spirit.

 

It makes no difference if they talk t you ever again or if something new arises from the ashes and new relationship is formed,those results are just a part of what is going on and really the big one is to have a clean conscious and not harbor any more negative thoughts on it and move on, though learn from it and be mindful of it.

 

you have done all one can be expected to do. one can then begin to enjoy what today has to offer. once again easier said than done and it takes time.

 

and hopefully with seeking the new behaviors and acknowledging weaknesses that persist things do change and less errors will be made or definitely less serious ones and one gets to the point where they have less and less stuff they need to apologize or makes amends for, and it happens with a much lower frequency.

 

This is very basic break down of some of the things I went thru and it took months, big head way by 4 months, it did do a lot for me, still have more to go im sure. each day does present challenges.

Edited April 27, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

I woke up this morning and remembered how she told me various times she used our 2nd and last therapy session to decide to get divorce (along with encouragements from her bf and others, may these ****ers burn in hell), because I had not been very nice and I had also said I was only with her for the boys and money.

 

And at that time is was perfectly true, she mist treated me on a daily basis, ignored me, was mean, had dinner for boys and none for me, no sex, and ditched me on family events. All I was getting in that environment was daily access to the boys and a place to live, and it was in a state of getting worse where I would receive insults for fond memories of times she had given me awesome blowjobs.

 

That was really the fight that got me out on june 2nd, I remember it well it was that Friday she told me how she had this happy memory of livng in downstate Illinois, which actually for me was becoming a bad memory being a stay at home dad for her

 

It was a difficult transition she had called my boss and said nasty things to her on a Saturday morning which then made life for me very impossible to deal with ihad to resign from the hostilities my boss dished to me.

 

I had been accustomed to eating wherever I wanted having my own cell phone and flying to Chicago every month and going to new Orleans at least once a year and traveling all over southern Illinois, to now having t walk only a few blocks away with no phone cause I was broke and had no money. One day she gave me an awesome blowjob and it was the highlight of my life for a considerable amount of time and I was so grateful and hopeful it was the beginning of an exciting new sex between us but alas it was just a flash in the pan.

 

So june of 2012 I said man my happy memory is this time you blew me it was so good. Well she got upset and really started to insult me and treat me like dirt for the rest of the weekend. I was furious I thought I cant even offer gratitude and thanks for something that happened 7 yrs prior so I moved out that sunday to never return

 

**** out of time to be continued later

[portableversion]

Yeah so I moved out/got tossed out, for me I really felt I cant even express an opinion I was not even shaking her down.

 

But either way at the therapy session for me it was a base line to work with, really it was just an honest declaration of what I felt at the time I was currently getting from the relationship and it was the truth.

 

For me I was excited about the therapy because I was not happy at all to have only a place to stay and daily access to the boys, for me the therapy session was an opportunity to get to the bottom of this stuff and rebuild, because I really wanted my friend back and to be able to honestly say I got more out of the relationship than neglect and loss of money and access to the boys. I really felt this was going to be a new beginning where we could indeed explore this stuff and get to the bottom of it, and get back what we had lost.

 

Never got that chance she pulled the plug on the sessions and her bf helped her to decide to divorce me (may he rot in hell). That one session was just used as an excuse to attempt to label me as nuts and not as cool as the replacement father figure, it was indeed an ambush assault. If I had been forewarned I would have be very willing to discuss it and take ownership of whatever. I was prepared that day to take ownership of sexual addiction and perversion, I was too tired to be flexible to discuss anything else. Trying to tell a woman therapist how I enjoy a woman swallowing took a lot of energy, I had to get psyched. And really that turned out to be a minor part of the discussion.

 

It was cool when she asked me If I had been willing to go down on the x when she was menstruating and I did not even pause , I said I sure do if she like it and its really turned her on before in the past, I said u bet doc shes my wife and ill do what ever she wants, her body is a thing of beauty and whatever it does is wonderful.

 

I do remember being very much on edge at the session I had been working 50 plus hours a week with only 3-4 hours a sleep a night and I had been doing that for a month.

 

It was so difficult to sleep with my co-workers, they had a lot of parties and it was very hot in there plus I was upset and disturbed about not being home. The air conditioning was no good at all and people were always coming and going and i was sleeping in the common area so it was impossible to sleep with visitors always showing up. One night a girl puked where I was going to sleep and this was at 330 in the morning and I had to be at work at 7 am , this was typical of life over there.

 

I agree to goto the therapy session she tell me what she wants to discuss, and I felt excited finally a chance to get to the bottom of some of these issues. Me I really wanted to explore the idea I was a sex addict and wanted to get the professional scoop on my blowjob kink.

 

Ah she (x) pulled a surprise on me and had a bunch of things written out, which were not anything I thought we were going to discuss and it came off as very hostile and I felt it was character assasination and an attempt to get a professional to attack me, I thought we were going to discuss something completely different I felt ambushed, I felt I had been lied to an deceived.

 

NOw in hindsight I can see it was the 1st of deceptions and lies I had encountered with her, in this whole process, even within the last 2 months her lies continue.

 

never really got to the bottom of my blow job kink for a long time, I can say now that in the past she lied to me about what she was willing to do, shed say that yes this is all fine then to only realize 6 months later that she was not telling the truth, this upset me greatly, if I ever told her I was going to do something I sure as hell would try my best.

 

Sure I can say my kink was wrong for us and with the proper thought process I could definitely get beyond it but now its really pointless, it would be so ironic if the next woman I meet is really into what I like, omg id treat her like a queen, no since in trying to resist it if she likes what I like but id definitely try my best to give back.

 

More thoughts and reflections....had a busy day today just got back recently from a lengthy meeting with the Franciscans, one of the ideas was listening to God and at times this means ending relationships. It really got to me, many many times in our marriage I had prayed and prayed and prayed as to what I should do, and if I was a pervert. I got signals indicating I was not a pervert but then I still mishandled it that was not enough.

 

I needed to acknowledge more and those realizations took some time to discover, namely I could be honest and not feel ashamed or guilty of my sexual desires

 

but it was wrong for me to turn desires into demands which is what I did end up doing. DOH!!!, in respect for the sanctity of our marriage here is where I went wrong way wrong

 

At the time I felt it was fair since she placed so many demands on me and I never really demanded anything else form her. Though I did have other demands such as wanting to be able to talk and hold hands and sleep together in the same bed, and not to be treated like a punching bag. Oh well its of no consequence now perhaps the next mrs right will be much more accommodating in this department , I will be married again someday , hopefully she don't have any kids id really like to try the family thing again.

 

OH well had great time at the meeting today and it was about how you can get a message from God and one should follow it, sure it may mean the end of relationships and that is ok whatever we leave behind God will take care of. We just need to go forward and we will achieve a new happiness.

 

Really make me think now that the results(divorce) were not at all what I was expecting but God must've been answering my prayers, for real it was very uncanny that for my ex who I really thought her to be very honest but with all this its just been a regular flow of lies any more. Her lies of therapy and of sex, and her new continued lies have indeed been very damaging to me emotionally, and spiritually. I do have a new sense of peace from not being exposed to wishy washy statements that cannot be heeded or listened to.

 

We also today discussed the legend of the wolf at gubbio. The main thing is the process of making peace and restoring relationships. BOth sides must ask God for help, come clean as to what they did wrong and understand the needs of the other and then do the best they can to accommodate the other side, make promises and keep them.

 

Made me realize that she never kept her promises she would at 1st but then after 6 months it was something all new and different. With such events peace was not possible , with out major complex reflections on my part to kick start a whole new way of thinking, which as I said earlier took quite sometime but by that time I was divorced and she was blowing the baby daddy substitute, peace was/is not possible and she was/is not playing fair.

 

Ive done all I could to get to the bottom of this and there is nothing more I can do about it. The meeting today really helped me see that ive tried my best but it really is time to move on, new and better things are in store for me and its guaranteed.

 

NOt sure what happened today but I really got a positive boost about this divorce and really felt good to be away from her. I did so much work and she done nothing, I cared but she did not. I have invested much energy into developing a new relationship with God and it hears my prayers and they will be answered, the misery I had endured for years on end has come to a close .

 

I stick on this path and my life is only going to get better, now if by chance something snaps in her mind and she gets serious about wanting to rebuild I can respect and appreciate her limitations and be very cool with it, and get on board with her. However, in the mean time the next mrs right shes gonna be different, on a variety of issues.

 

I really want to explore the annulment process, along with the purge and my efforts to go no contact this would be just one more thing to erase x from my mind and then set me up for a new beginning. Yes just one more too to erase the past and bury it under the events of today.

 

Wow im so glad I joined the Franciscans another mandate they have for is is that we are not to tolerate abuse from others and other manipulations, I think this group is really gonna help me to truly forget x.

 

But like I said earlier just because we did say vows in a church and have kids if she changes her mind, I have a moral obligation to give it a try. Sure I still have to stay away from booze and shell never be cool with blowjobs but for her and only her I could get beyond that.

 

NOw with my new job and the better money it will bring me and the new confidence it brings and my new relationship with God, it will be time very soon to go hunting. The pain I felt from the divorce was somehow someway greatly dissipated today.

 

I am a good person, I do deserve love and women do find me attractive, and I can make a woman happy. I did go out this weekend and hit the bars I drank water all night and the results were pretty good considering I was not dressed the best and it had been a long time.

Edited April 28, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

dang just had another excellent aa meeting, the topic was something else and it too meshed in with what we discussed at the Franciscan meeting, judgment/judging others was discussed and how that is connected to pride its a part of my ego trying to label someone right or wrong.

 

Nope its just my garbage polluting the world, just worry about the self and be kind considerate and tolerant and loving and accepting.

 

Once again was amazed by the brilliance of the aa program and then got more reinforcement from the Franciscan meeting.

 

Once again I saw another 19 yr old girl talk about what shes learned about her self and how her garbage was hurting others and what shes doing to address it. Powerful stuff she was espousing true wisdom and taught me a few things that were just amazing and I learned more about my self.

 

BIg exercise ask God to bless others and change myself. The conversation was just amazing, folks at aa just got it together. Such good wholesomeness I had today.

 

Better not get too cocky perhaps ill be crying again in a few days but today was a great day and it made a significant impact on the road to MOVING ON.

 

I detect it freedom is near at hand!!!!!!!!!!! Sponsor told me I got my **** together and id make a great sponsor and I need to get ready. IM gonna save someone's life while improving mine, get closer to God and harvest all kinds of benefits, and for me ultimately this will to once again in the future be a family man. I am meant to be a dad that lives with the kids and will be there for them on a daily basis, all the stuff im learning will make for great parenting, great loving, and awesome sex, and stable finances its all coming together slowly and surely one day at a time.

[portableversion]

wow I have not felt this good for a very long time, really don't get what happened today. I suppose I got the right information at the right time.

 

Absolutely amazing, ah what a relief this darkness is going away, did it sober no anti depressants, just a ton of prayers, church aa meetings understating exhaustively my garbage and how it destroys things, and the secular order of Franciscans, plus all the therapy sessions.

 

Oh wow I see the light at the end of the tunnel , acceptance and serenity are going to be mine.

 

ONe thing I can safely say is that ive pushed myself so hard to understand how I found myself getting spiritually raped by the love of my life, that indeed I am coming out on the other side of this with a new found power. I really have done a lot of growing, cant wait to share with becky and kevin what I learned from st francis and the last round of aa meetings.

 

I am getting my life back, oh my what a relief, never thought this would happen but it is.

 

I am the phoenix rising from the ashes of death and destruction more powerful than ever before. Im sure more growth is in store for me but a major hurdle was over come today.

 

I just cant believe how much better im feeling, still stinks I cant see the boys as id like and be a part of their family life but im getting to really accept it. God has plans for me and this is a part of the picture. Stuff is still broken but ive done as much as I can do to fix it and glue it all back together.

 

The rest is out of my hands , its high time to no longer be the grouch with the brainstorm, I can enjoy today , sadness regret and despair are leaving me. aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ive done my job its time to get paid.

[portableversion]

edit above post....understanding exhaustively my garbage not understating lol....understate to my peril!!! geez that's how i got into the mess was not having a good handle on my garbage and how i was hurting my wife the love of my life, the one i swore to be with until the end of time, the one that really had my heart the one i was willing to sacrifice whatever for, the one i was willing to die for if necessary but nonetheless hurt badly

 

Went to the noon aa meeting afterwards spoke to this young lady whose undergone tremendous growth, lol she stabbed her bf the father of her kids with a knife and cant be around the kids, hard to imagine her doing that but im not going to accuse her of lying!!

 

She made no bones about it shes really hoping the program can heal their relationship, she told me shes learned on many different levels how it was nuts and dysfunctional but she sees a way thru it all. I told her good luck and I mentioned reading in another book that folks who take aa seriously have some of the best relationships around, their divorce rate is well below the national average. this young lady and her man are not married and have 2 kids together but they still talk.

 

she was telling me how shes seen how she was nuts and how hes nuts. he aint doing anything she hoping she can introduce the info to bring about change or at least challenge him in ways that are healthy respectful and productive

 

the program is amazing staying sober is just such a small piece of the puzzle its about how to have happy life in spite of whatever hellish events transpire in our life.

 

On another note an old acquaintance on fb confided in me that his wife left him. I sent him my phone number im gonna share with him what ive learned, he seems interested in the secular order of Franciscans.

 

i told him bro this is the worst experience possible we have 2 options before us now, grow and be a better person or die.

 

we gotta grow from this, the pain and misery is so tremendous that if we don't grow we will end up abusing alcohol and get serious about suicide, or if we don't kill self we will destroy ourselves in other ways and become worthless.

 

not sure if hes been spiritually raped just yet i think he said they were just separated, im gonna share whatever i can perhaps i can offer some great insight to save the marriage. if i see anyone in trouble im gonna share whatever i know and encourage folks to work it out.......just a little side mission i have now, never will i encourage folks to divorce..NEVER

 

on another note ive had fantasies of hanging out in the court house on the 5the floor where the brutality of spiritual rape is allowed to be conducted, i thought i could carry a banner urging folks to get to counseling and to seek help and to stop it. If i was real serious i could enter the court room an disrupt the proceedings like grab the divorce papers and rip them to shreds and stuff and get arrested in the name of preserving marriages, wouldn't that make n interesting headline in the news..........man arrested in court house trying to stop divorce proceedings.

 

it would be like how folks go protest abortion clinics we should protest divorce.. perhaps i should bring it up at the next secular meeting i think some of those folks protest abortion clinics , ha perhaps it my calling...extreme measure would be to find out divorce dates set on the docket and call in fake bomb threats from a pay phone to get it all shut down. I could see it, time it about 15 minutes before the rape happens and then call it in, they have to evacuate and inspect the building lol it would be awesome no divorce today.

[portableversion]

well I called it the other day I knew the good vibes could not last and they sure have not, but its different this time.

 

This time I felt my self getting consumed by anger and hatred, almost a rage.

 

Found out I start my new job on Monday it will be good its very physically demanding and it will be the perfect outlet for this, could not have come at better time. Looks like ive hit another stage of my grieving process im almost done I guess. I wonder how long ill get these fits of anger and hatred.

 

Wow this divorce tore me to shreds. IM still messed up, the carnage from spiritual rape has yet to be fully put back together, oh well it has not been a year yet. Many of the folks I saw in the videos who were survivors of the rape took a long time. Several said they were in hard core depression for a year. They described themselves as being in a haze or a fog for a year or more, not really in touch or in tune with their surroundings, not really caring much about anything, just drinking heavily and fighting off the urge to killself.

 

I almost still cant believe it, oh well I can still tap into my prayers and try to do the right thing, man this stinks so bad I also pray my boys never ever find them selves in the midst of such a predicament. But knowing this culture of instant gratification and microwave dinner, drive thru window society the odds are pretty high they will find themselves victims of spiritual rape or they will be the perpetrators. no one really has the ability or the patience to work hard on things that really matter. Looks like one is lucky if they can find serial monogamy.

[portableversion]

ah the fit of anger and hatred was not as bad as getting into the crying spells. After it passed I didn't feel so drained or hollowed out. I didn't have this feeling that blasting my brains in the tub would be the right thing to do.

 

It still was not pleasant and it was sudden and unexpected but nonetheless I can feel im on an overall higher energy level.

 

 

Now I can just get more focused on the passages im going to read now, and take further enjoyment in the excitement I have of starting work on Monday.

 

Oh this job is such a blessing, I will sleep like a baby and get ripped, everyday is gonna be a work out all day every day.

 

Got my new steel toed boots and some new gloves and some fluorescent colored shirts, I think next ill go to Good Will and get some old button up long sleeve shirts to protect my arms from concrete dust and the sun.

 

Hahahha we're building a house its gonna have 37,000 bricks. IM so excited, it would be nice to have a family to share this with but oh well I can pray and thank God for it and share with my aa brothers they are my family now. They wont ever leave me

[portableversion]

tried to sleep but could not.

 

got hit with another wave of negativity made of anger and regret combined.

 

said a prayer but not good to go yet.

 

Perhaps I said this before I have been to funerals of various people in my family and it seemed like a trip to the comedy club compared to this.

 

 

Heard the downstairs neighbors having sex too that did not help matters at all that guy is dang near twice my age and this guy and his girlfriend have a robust sex life, I hear them doing it all the time.... all of a sudden out of no where I hear an ah ah ah oooohhhh. Then about a minute later I hear him and his girlfriend laughing and stuff.

 

Must be nice I remember one time after having gone like 4 months all x could say well we aren't teenagers any more maybe you should go gay they have lots of sex. Such bs, hell I even remember one time I was at my moms house at that time it had been a 3 month stretch and I was talking to my older sister , I told her what x had said , big sis is like 5-6 years older than me and she said teenager!! **** I need it at least once every two weeks and then that's pushing it she said I love sex.

 

she started talking of her ex hubby who had a heart transplant and his drive was destroyed she said that he said the same bull**** she told you. I would've tolerated it if he went to therapy and stuff but all he wanted to do was call me a sex addict and other names so **** him I divorced him and im shagging his buddy now and im so much happier now. Big sis said its real nice to get it everyday, she said I need that thats how I feel love

 

My mom overheard us she was 67 at the time and she said yeah that cant be good son I don't even go that long, I definitely would not be happy with that schedule... so much for teenagers and gays huh, the convo almost brought me to tears

 

 

mom has really encouraged me to get out there and meet women, all I can say is geez mom I just don't know I think I still love her for one thing and then on the other side of the coin, im mostly surrounded by men there are so few women around me, I dang near feel like im in a priest house or something, there are women but they either have boyfriends or are married or are twice my age or half my age. she said just hang in there youll meet someone someday whose real nice and will treat you right, she said it took me about 7 years to find your step dad. uggg after 10 yrs of abysmal sex life another 7 seems very daunting

 

really stinks I gave that woman my all ....she belittled the importance of sex and yet has a boyfriend for whom she sacrifices much money to shag, me I always said it was important aspect of life and here im am broke and completely alone, and surrounded by neighbors who get laid all the time. sigh...life is hard

[portableversion]

so stupid why am I plagued with these emotions?

 

Ive done everything to address just about all her concerns about me, yet she don't care, shes happy with him whose also an alcoholic who never even did any step work in aa, and hes a gambling addict on top of it, I bet he never did any step work to correct that either.

 

I remember the time she told me of his drinking history I had never consumed that much alcohol, he sounded like the others I met at the meetings who made me wonder do I really belong here? Oh well who knows, im willing to accept the label to get access to the spiritual teachings and other wisdoms discussed at the meetings, AND FROM WORKING THE STEPS but I smell something foul in Denmark.

 

I don't even worry about drinking or not drinking staying away from booze has been very easy actually, im using the program to get over this divorce, Surviving divorce anonymous lol

 

So bogus she don't care about me at all, I bet she would not care if I did fall off the face of the earth well until she needed a baby sitter for her next visit to Alaska. Yeah I could shoot myself in the tub and she be like oh just another scum bag off the planet more oxygen for me oh but wait whose gonna watch the kids for my next trip? dang that stinks. How can I have quality time to develope the true love of my life without babysitter huh better figure something out, (she then exits the bathroom with my corpse in the tub while tossing a wad of gum on me)

 

Why is it I get the turmoil and she gets to have everything she wants the way she wants it, ive had so few things go my way, hence my complete surrender, I give up on my way it rarely works out may as well try God's way, I got no choice

 

I MISS MY FAMILY BEING TOGETHER THIS IS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

God help me what must I do ? Assume your putting my prayers into action or just forget the whole thing and listen to my mom and try real hard to chase the ladies?

**** this **** this **** this **** this **** this **** this

Edited May 2, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

well I can honestly say sure my parenting skills are not the best, but hey im not really a parent any more and I have to do this under great mental torment. Im getting better but its still rough.

 

ah the journey moves forward, well I have had basically poor mental health now for the last several years and it has definitely gotten worse.

 

I have to retool and reformulate for sure.

 

So yeah I had issues during the marriage much effort has been expended to uncover my faults in the marriage, not sure what benefit that is other than to be in a place where I don't repeat that stuff in the next relationship.

 

But still what have you done to understand how you hurt me, nothing, nothing at all, just a throwing the hands in the air and deciding its a lost cause, so my garbage did not mix well with your garbage which is a no brainer. SO frustrating. I had faulty thinking and was spiritually bankrupt, ive worked on those, but you still don't really take serious or seem to have any regrets at all in the garbage that you brought to the table. Don't you care that you were hurting me, and no you gave me money once when the little guy was born, and too with the big guy once again there were serious hardships imposed on me that would make any person scream . I was loosing weight cause there was only food for the child.

 

You were not a team player , you hurled insult after insult after me for the jobs I held, I was never good enough. I did get in a bad place with the sex issues and mishandled that as well I got into rigid thinking, but then too you made me feel so insecure when I was a stay at home dad. Can you honestly say that you even loved me? Oh and you'd get so short and hot with me and would just talk to me like a dirt bag.

 

NOw I have a whole new set of issues to deal with post divorce, economic hardship and loss of family and spouse.

 

IM on the road to deal with these now it gets better every day but for real is is possible for one to really enjoy life when the family is broken and their role as parent is a shadow of what it once was.

 

Man this stinks so bad I really have missed you a lot and have found answers to how we went wrong but now I have to contend with a whole new set of things AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHH

 

life was not good before not at all and now its gotten even worse for me

 

**** me I just don't know

Edited May 2, 2013 by portableversion

[ChazzB]

i just read your stuff man, it is a sad story. You help me put some perspective on my own issues. And i want to give you some thoughts that might not be so helpful, but at least they will be honest.

 

Hang in there. You have to rediscover yourself, who you are outside of what your life used to be. Who you want to be. What makes you happy. You have gone to therapy and you grief a lot. I think you still need to accept the reality, and the fact you are past the point of salvaging what used to be. But from the last posts it is getting better right?

 

And i think yes, you can enjoy life. All the time. You just have to adapt to your new circumstances and make the most out of it. You have to reframe your thoughts. All of your life right now is just longing. Your family is no more. You see your children scarcely. Your ex is with someone else. You already tried to erase that part (by selling the ring, burning pics, getting rid of her stuff) but i think it has been just a mask because deep down you did not want that. But it is what it is. Relationships are a 2 way thing, and you can not force the other part into it it has to be a voluntary thing, and that adds to the fragility, and the beauty of it.

 

But you have to get through it. And realize that you are not being the best version of yourself. Love does not come to someone that dwells in the past and in all that sadness. That kind of behavior will not attract good stuff (unless you are really lucky i guess) You have to slowly but surely do better, decide on it, man up, work on it.

 

You have two children, and I don't think you are giving a good example to them, a figure to follow. Although i don't know if they see the side of you you post in here.

 

Keep strong man.