im so messed up

[portableversion]

ok so she called me again, one the phone for 45 minutes. End conclusion of discussion. She said ive been her good friend for so long and she does not want that to go away.

 

I said this is so odd this is not how most people roll post divorce, they usually hate each others' guts and move on totally and completely. She said well i do want that friendship but ur an emotioanl rollercoaster, i just cant trust you right now.

 

I said oh course im on a rollercoaster, 17 yrs just aint gonna go away. How is this gonna work, ive got to get real distant to where i dont care at that point how does one work back to friends?

 

I also told her well my divorce counselors were sure you felt this way, but for real dear, once i really get over this and get used to my situation and am back to myold jovial self around you even, i mean we do have some chemistry.

 

No one is gonna want to date either one of us, my gf or ur bf wont tolerate me and u being all cozy and buddy buddy, laughing and carrying on like that. Oh who were you on the phone with, oh it was my ex!! She essentially said in so many words i dont care about that!!! I said yeah f@%k them.

 

Shes like well pick up the boys at 7 , i said sure.

 

oh man this is so wild, my counselors had predicted this but so in conclusion if i can get my **** together get beyond all the anger and grieving, ....oh geez, it will be just how it was this summer or shoot just the other day i got her laughing at something.

 

the therapist tonight told me tonight shes not over you, and your not over her, i still cant tell if u 2 are married divorced or separated or just living separately. This is not over by a long shot. She refuses to let our friendship go away, man we are still attracted to each other and then to be friends. Counselor thinks she'll come around and make a move on me again, rejecting her could be very intersting last time it just drove her nuts, this is nuts

 

i do believe that if we could get back together i have a moral obligation to be open to that if it were to happen, thats right babe go shag who ever get it out of ur sytem and come back to me, in the mean time im gonna connect with a few other peole someone who has a lot of single female friends!!

[portableversion]

ah dropped off the boys today after a wonderful weekend. As the time drew closer to bring them back i was hit with a small wave of depression. I was able to get beyond it and just made sure to try my best to soak up every second i had. I did end up sending the ex a pic of the massive dump the little guy took , i told her he guzzled the prune juice and it had a great effect. I made sure to bring her my bottle of the juice cause shes out.

 

So i made sure to sit there with them and watch open season 2.

 

Brought them back, ex started to ask me about my aa meeting that i was going to after that. To summarize she asked me about my holiday down state with my sister and her husband who are both alcoholics, lil sis aint so bad but her man goes to the dark side for sure, but she cant keep away from it either.

 

i did tell her about a week ago that i had a few beers when down there but i didnt get blasted wicked drunk, ever since shes been asking me to confess to my sponsor. I told her its gonna take courage because he really rode my ass about getting high in december after being completely sober for 4 months.Really the smoke was more of my thing anyway. We both used to burn it up big time together

 

So sunday night was another opportunity for her, she said well i hope you have a good meeting and i hope you tell your sponsor everything. I told her hey its my life now, Im gonna live it the best way i can dont you worry about it. I felt the urge to once again tell her to just focus on her new man but i didnt.

 

If it comes up again and the boys are not around I will tell her to just focus on her new man, and its none of her business what i do. SHe wanted me out and gone and is "seeing" this guy, shes got no right. Ill tell her to pester him instead and leave me alone. I will feel the urge to tell her that she dont care about me anyway, what does it matter.

 

Either way I'm feeling more the cool refreshing breeze of indifference, church today was awesome and so was the aa meeting. The music at church was great and i felt so good coming out of there, i made the boys go with me too. I said a bunch of prayers before and afterwards, and more tonight when i got back home alone. I really felt a surge of internal power growing inside of me. My sponsor felt it and told me after our meeting that even though im on steps 9 and 10 that ive got the confidence to sponsor someone and i should do it, its all about growing now. I thought that was step 12 but ill probably be step 12 by the time that happens. Funny he knows i slipped earlier in december but he dont care he thinks ive got it to help others who are in serious need.

 

Ol ex is gonna start getting some new and different responses from me now , i aint afraid of her and she cant be butting into my business. So sunday night she gave me a big smile when i told her its my life now and ill live it the best way i can, dont worry about it.

 

So nuts i think she liked it i essentially told her it was none of her business, she probably views me as a challenge now and she likes that. She gave me a very warm good bye. I have a friend who claims to be psychic and she told me that the ex will really enjoy me standing up to her, i think shes right.

 

So many times now ive said things to the ex that gets her to shut up and the results always amaze me. The ex used to always talk circles around me and leave me speechless and now its getting to be the other way around. Well she is a lawyer, she does love a good debate. Either way i find myself not really caring much at all. Cute lady at aa gave me a big smile tonight as she overheard me and this other fella talking, man she looks so good in her jeans.

[portableversion]

yesterday i took a shower. The little guy has a thomas tank engine bath set. It has hair gel, shampoo, and fake shaving cream. It also has a little mirror that can stick to the wall, it has a holder where the fake razor is held. Every time hes over here he wants to take a bath and he really likes it when i join him in the tub.

He really likes it when we "shave" each other.

 

So i was in the shower and and i found myself looking at the mirror and the little fake razor in it. I remembered our time in the tub. I really started to think of him.

 

They grow so fast at this age and it really sunk in that each day gone is gone forever and here i am all alone in my place away from my boys. I ended up crying like a baby in the shower. I ended up crying for almost an hour.

 

I was so distraught that i finally snapped a photo of the small thomas set i have over here and it has a little percy engine. I sent it to the X and said i wanna come home.

 

i had to really let her have it last week, or 2 weeks ago now. I told her we can work on rebuilding friendship when her and mr alsaska are truly over.

 

Shes offerd resistance, the unannounced visits picked up i was asleep and did not answer her call so she comes over, and wakes me up to challenge me. She did that twice. I was so tired from shoveling snow. I was happy to see her but in emotional twilight zone.

 

This has not been the 1st time, i was just about to really reiterate my points , i did get out that hey we can be frindly but im not ur friend, and then my jehovah witness buddy stopped by. It was an intersting that they all met. He really knows my story.He brought his wife over.

 

But even monday she started to call me, i did talk to her i said i was busy and was going to be onthe phone chatting with aa members. SHe sent me a text asking about money, i sent her a one letter response, not even an ok but just simply k.

 

She ends up callng me again, i ignore it, she calls like 3 more times and then left a message.

 

She wanted me to come to her office and give her a ride. I oblidged her, we went to pick up the little guy at day care, he was estatic to see me. SHe left me at my old house and took my car to goto an appointment. It was hurting me to be there at the old house with the boys.

 

Man i loved that house, my blueberries and blackberries are still there and all my native flowers. I cant garden at my apartment.

 

It felt like old times but i knew better, i felt myself getting upset.

She comes back and needs me to take her to the dealership to get her car. Its just the 2 of us, i started to get teary eyed inthe car and i tell her this situation still disturbs me grealty. We said a few other things and she accused me of emotionally vomiting on her. I said im sorry and she said hse was tired of my apologies the past is the past and we need to move forward. I left her at the dealership and sent her a text apologizing, i called her then after my confirmation class to once again apologize for bumming her out she said it wasnt that bad really, she said we just cant live in the past , i said that fine but the truth is today that right her right now , i love u very much and miss u alot, she said even though u say i was such a bitch to u i said i was always willng to forgive that stuff and i could see beyond it to the nice person underneath it all. It really seemed like she does enjoy hearing me say that stuff we ended on a warm note, so ****ed up cause she is going to alaska again in april to **** her new sperm donor.

 

Geez ive been shovelng her driveway when it snows, and even after that email i sent her after she kept stopping by i told her she was no longer welcome to come over here and im tired of her wishy washy confusing statements, i reiterated that point as well on monday that such talk is bad for my health but she was over here again last thursady unannounced, and i let her in.

 

So this weekend i did have to send her an email saing i was full of **** and i can tcut her off even though she shagging mr alaska, my love is too deep and so far has yet to disappear. I told her i must conclude that i will always be there for her and she knows where to find me. I told her my love for her was not platonic and it was very mature and as deep as the ocean.

 

So we talked again on the phone for abit several hours ago and she may need me to chauffeur her tomorrow as well.

 

or well later on today.

 

Oh i forgot so post email yeah she stopped by thurday after that to challenge me on it but the next week it snowed this was a week ago now, she was awake and so were the boys she came out and gave me and my comrade a bag of cookies she said u need ur energy. it was sweet i had to hug her and she hugged me.

 

This whole situation is crazy city. Next time she shows up unannounced im gonna tell her look just admit it u love me, u knw this divorce is not right and we need to be a family together.

 

God help me

Edited March 6, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

I shouldve kept up with my updates, about mid janaury to pre valentines day she was stopping by here on a fairly regular basis. I bought her lunch a few times and, and a few times wed spend like 4 hours or so together, she took me to her favorite jewelry shop one day even, we went to church together as a family on ash wednesday, theres been quite a few things i shouldve posted here but never got around to it. Geez she threw around the reconciliation word a few times, only to a few weeks later to say she was not serious in her statements and that she was not ending it with jake in alaska after all, i almost lost it, i told her to her face , i said u lie to me and u play game swith me and wreak much emotioanl damage to me, i said i took ur words so seriously , i said u hurt me greatly.i told her your words lack meaning and substance.

 

Too much to reacall at this time but forget her as along as shes with him shes gonna have to rely on long distance bs to sustain her. Good luck with that, she has so few friends.

 

This is all so stupid i really need to be open to new possibilties and keep an eye open for some of these aa ladies. Taht one cute girl and i have been talking more too just this saturday we talked for over an hour after the meeting it was jsut the two of us, man she looks so good in her jeans.Come to find out she used to be a stripper and others told me she looks so good in a bakini she 40 and looks great.

 

I bet the X will totally flip if i find someone who has some good looks and can relate to me well, and is attracted to me.

 

She got real nosy about the date i had with that lady i met on craigslist, defintely an item of discussion when she showed up here last week unannounced. I told her im gonna blow her off the lady weighs like 300 pounds, she said oh u canbe frinds woith her, i said no way it will take too much energy to do that and i want to find a friend im attracted to perhaps a lady in my wieghtlifting class i signed up for.Though at the time of this convo i had yet to sign up i didnt kwo about it until a few days ago, this was not something i told her. But if it comes up again ill say hey there are much better catches at the gym that ol gorl from craigslist.

 

Who ever it is shes gonna have a better figure than the X or at least thats pretty dang good. I aint gonna short change my self just because im lonely, many say im good looking so yeah, no fatties for me. It would be the bomb if i could get a date with the zumba teacher she smoking hot and had flirted with me last time i saw her, she has such a better figure than the X.

Edited March 6, 2013 by portableversion

[calgary]

so you've not been able to get her back ? do you not think it's possible? is she just playing you? I can't work it out. it's like she has you running round being a lap dog and then goes see's the other guy, she gave you cookies because you was shovelling her drive right ? and you rewarded her with a hug.. how often does she feel the need to be nice to you or do kind things for you lately? is it one sided? I can't even imagine, I lost my girlfriend after 18 months and i'm heartbroken 2 months after the break up so 17 years is a whole different story that I just can't even comprehend, children and everything.. I really hate that she's got a new guy for you sucks dude.

 

just does seem weird that she keeps you around or keeps getting in touch, wants to do stuff. it does feel like she misses you.. but then she's getting everything she wanted from you whilst you're sticking around right ? I wouldn't say you're emotionally ready to be with anybody else yet.. it's as though you're just using them to make your ex jealous right ? I completely understand that, that's how I feel at a time like this.. I don't know what to suggest for you. I am interested to see how your story pans out ! I just feel like she's destroying you at the moment. you're definitely a broken man, I can't even imagine how strange it must have been to be back in your old house looking at your old garden like you said.. you're a good man by the sounds of things with a lot to offer. I just don't know how you make somebody love you !

[portableversion]

well hey calgary , yeah the sticking around point. My life is so simple and boring, its not like how it used to be. I had other jobs where i worked with women there was always someone flirting with me sniffing it out ot see if we were in trouble or what ever. To bad i dont have those jobs anymore now i work with a bunch of guys and the female presence in my life is pretty non-existent. i am very much alone, and dont see any way out of it soon.

 

It really is the case she can come over here any time, and there will not be a woman here at all. Theres not going to be a woman here any time soon if ever.

 

others do encourage me and tell me im a good looking guy and there ought to be many women whod want to be with me, i said well these good looks are not doing me any favors at this time. I mean when i was married women would flirt with me at different times but i was married and never acted on it now im single u can hear the crickets chirp.

 

Its a rough tough bitch she was my 2nd serious gf and i made sure to hang on for dear life cause it ws 2 yrs after my 1st gf dumped me. ANd yeah she had a new man in a few days. Me i had a few one night stands but really nothing at all. And now the whole scenario is repeated the X had a man in the picture even before we were divorced and my current situation has the smallest female presence ive ever encountered. IM gonna be single for a long time , the sweet caresses of female love is a thing of the past.

 

Seeing my kids everyday is a thing of the past, my world just got a whole lot more gray and blah. Church has helped alot along with all the other self help stuff, i still say it would be so much easier to be dead than have to deal with this.

 

either way tellingher we aint friends but can be frindly has helped even though shes resisted greatly. SHes backed off a bit probably cause shes excited to shag this guy next month so shes stocked up and has her band -aid. Ive gotta face this whole thing raw and unadulteratd. NO pain relief to dull the slashing of the hooks and knives ripping at my soul. Pain misery lonliness is my new existence.

 

I told my bath story to the lady who is teaching my single and parenting she was the same one who took me thru survivng divorce.

 

She told me she almost could not bear my story, i got her crying too. Yeah forget this world its so selffish cruel and heartless.

Edited March 7, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

So i was feeling motivated to ignore her calls and texts again. We ddi talk on the phone a bit but the next call i ignored it, she called again a few more times i didnt answer.

 

Well she showed up i had a bag of the boys' things and she took that i tried to use body language to get her going but she wanted to talk. We did have more conversation of how we ended and my aa program. Funny thing is i rememeber now that really she had thrown me out a few times and i was sober, like the time she had accused me of wanting to kidnap the boys. So fricken stupid i had only a full tank of gas, just the perfect resources to run away with 2 children. I guess perhaps she watched the blues brothers 2 many times all they needed was a tank of gas, a pack of cigarettes and sunglasses.

 

Well either way she told me her anger towards me is grealty fading away now but she still feels sadness. I didnt say much but read some aa stuff to her out of the 12 and 12, about the 4th step. Though i only discussed me there was also something she had to relate to aswell she has to acknowledge the alcoholic tendency is is in her aswell, makes no difference if she hasnt drank in a long time. it takes that allergy to enjoy getting drunk. PLus i finished at the paragrapgh were they discuss those that rule over others. I told her its so much more than just drinking problem, i said aint this book messed up and deep. She said yeah that is deep stuff to ponder.

 

i was thinking this is a pointless conversation so what why bother to tell me the anger is fading and sadness is still there, i suppose shell feel better next month when her boyfrind is cumming in her.AAAARRRGGGHHHH

 

Sad to say i was happy to see her, cant remember if i posted this already but last month she said if her bf actually lived here she would not be able to visit me like she does cause it would be inappropriate, but that is a situation she does not want.

 

Its gonna be hard but next time im gonna try a lot harder to stop her at the door and say hey u didnt want to work on things u thought it easier to destroy our family, u have ur bf in alaska, we're old news now and u cant be coming over here like this. True i dont have any dating options right now but im keeping my eyes open and will be seeking a new person to love and to marry me, its time to cut this out we are divorced now. hopefully sometime before i die ill have someone over here and it will freak her out, with you coming over here and besides ur bf is the jealous tpye and its not right to him, so get out of here get gone.

 

Gonna be so hard to do it but i think i need to do it im not sure, perhaps she is really trying to rebuild friendship if we get along it could happen, perhaps this would ruin the chance but i think she does miss me and gets her dose of me as she wants. Such a ****ing mess

 

I wish there were more women around, the only women in my life are my phone calls with mom and sisters and the x, other than that im surrounded by men and men i dont really know all that well all very new and fresh friendships. Ill be going back to work soon too and then itll just be me and the bros in the mowing crew.

 

Its just me and my books and god.

Edited March 9, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

well i figure its high time to do something, and that is cut her off more. I got 2 more boxes of stuff over there. Ill get that on wednesday and then its defnitely show time.

 

well nothing showy but its time to lay down the law, she cant be visiting me and wanting to hang out while shes with him, im gonna tell her again. But here soon it will be very much easy to avoid her, i wont be here and i can easly ignore her calls.

 

Im gonna tell her straight up if shes comes over here again that hey u subjected me to the spiritual rape known as divorce and u cant be coming over here to be frinds until u are truly over with him. Id really apprecite it. ur not playng fair at all. its not nice what ur doing, hed be mad if he knew u were over here like this, its time to move on.

 

we are old news now.

 

Ill go ahead and tell her that i do think we are meant to be with each other, the boys need us together as a family and hes not the one for u anyway. He wont love u the way i did and this wohle thing has been a huge mistake but its the way u wanted it so thats the way it is. Ive done so much work an dit can be much better than what it was.

 

you refused to work on this ive been doing work now but ur still shagging him, ill be here but once its over once and for all ill make sure to have more time with you. But until then this aint happening its no good for me.

 

I need to be in a position where i can find someone who knows for sure they love me and want to be with me and u coming aroud like this is gonna prevent that from happening.

 

This is not what i want but given the cricumstances this is how it is.

 

A rough parody of this ****ed up conversation im gonna have to have. So sad indeed im just a product of the drive thu window microwave dinner, instant gratification world, no effert no time just oh it aint working bam divorce. so tragic so sad.

 

I still say its a ****ing miralce i didnt kill myself, i finally felt safe enough to get my bullets, i had my guns here but no bullets but i have them now.

 

Perhaps i should still just get rid of it all the pain from this is surreal.

 

i do feel much better but its in a world that i dont want, all i ever wanted was to be a family man to come home to my family and its gone. i hve to be content with things i told my self for so long were not nearly as worthwhile or fufulling. Oh well at least im closer to god now or so i believe anyway.

 

God she hurt me so bad

[portableversion]

ok so i was called in for snow removal, clocked in at 4am and clocked out at 820 am.

 

needless to say i didnt get to sleep, i had to do dishes and tidy up cause the boys were coming over. WHile doing the dishes i was reminiscing of this charming town we used to live in, at same time i get a text from her and it was about how she fond a lovely house for sale in this town.

 

i ignore the text and i start to cry, i thought this is like an old conversation we have but now its like the mutterings frm a zombie. It kinda looks lke the old but its so full of death now.

 

i had to get my **** together and i burned some sweet grass and said some prayers.

 

10 minuttes later i hear the knock knock, i was slow getting to the door she starts to open it.

 

SHe said didnt u hear me? i said i was on my way, im cleaing and im real tired i have yet to get to bed.

 

SHe was here for 3 hours, she told me u know i cn tell u are growing and changing and i can just tell ur going thru real positve changes, i said well i had no choice it was either do this or die.

 

SHe said i cant believe it but yo can really lift me up and ur actually teaching me things.

 

I said i am glad to be of service, she asked me do u think my life is stable, i said no its not.

 

Why she asks, i said well the biggy is that many say its insane u visit me the way u do. Does ur bf in alsaka know u visit me like this? SHe said well he knows we talk.

 

I said i have to pray about this god will tell me what to do. Many tell me i should not allow this but other sources say this coould be the beginnings of something new since ive been working on ervry single item that set u off.

 

I said im glad i can help u but just know it costs me alot, u have everythng, u have the boys and u have romance thats all we need is love and family.

 

I need this too and i just dont know if u are ruining my chances of finding someone else, i really dont know if i should go on like this and rebuild this frindship ro really cut it out to be ready for someon new cause ive got the ingredients to be the perfect parnet, id love it to be u but in some ways it like im holding ur hand and being witness to the growth of ur new relationship, and it tears me apart, knowing ur with him is lke a bull dog on my back tearing me to pieces.

 

I said u know he cant love u the way i have and the boys need us together. where we are now is a mistake in my mind and no im not satisfied being in a platonic deal with u while u shag other guy.

 

there wasa lot more that was said we visited for three hours. We discussed a lot. i just reinforced the idea that im a man of love and relationships and i need a serious relarionship with someone i just hope its u, but then if not i wonder if u being here prevents it from happeing i just need to pray and god will guide me on what to do and when.

Edited March 14, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

at aa tonight met a fella whose in the franciscans with me, iwanted his perspective, i filled him in on many of my happenings.

 

he said bro ask ur sponsor, i said i have and he told me to ask others he told me hes a real dick to his ex's and one time he pulled a gun on his ex wife and asked her if she wanted to die, when she came over. He was like u wannu screw other guys screw you. he told me he didnt know how i handled my ex and if it were him hed be in prison for murder, he wasnt lying.

 

lol yeah definitely not me though i could appreciate the temptation.

 

No this guy we prayed together and agreed prayer is the only way to do this eveyones situation is unique and different and its hard to tell what to do, he told me he wished he could get back with his ex wife, he said its just the moral thing to do all kinds of refenences in the bible urging folks to reconcile and not get divorced and stuff.

 

He thought for sure she sounds like a confused mess right now and at least making frinds with other women could perhaps shake up the ex. ANd if the ex dont come around id be set up to be with someone real cool anyway.

 

He did recall that he personally knows of at least 5 people in the program that got remarried to their ex's after they were divorced, he told me one of them had been married to another person too but still got remarried to the ex in the end.

 

I need to find these people and have some conversations with them to see how they did it. Wow 5 differnt people what luck i do know of one guy he and his ol lady were divorced for 10 yrs, and now theyve been remarried for 8 yrs. i had got some info from him, i dont see him all the time i need to get his phone number.

[portableversion]

oh i had gotten a few more boxes last week , most of this stuff has not been unpacked in years.

 

i have an old photo album the only thing i had remebered being inthere was photos from my 1st communion back in 7th grade.

 

Oh **** i saw she had put some old photos of us inthere, i had forgetoen how she looked and i forgot about those glasses she had, it really took me back in time and i remembered the feelings of happiness and excitement during those time all those years ago.

 

i had to put it away i started to cry i had no idea they were in there, god she was so pretty, life was so simple then

Edited March 18, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

oh geez i went to confirmation class, we were doing the rosary in the chapel. they gave us hand outs with the prayers, the dang thing was printed on her birthday.

 

i was crying while saying some of the prayers.

 

one thing was interesting one of the scriptures read described the birth pains mary had and it was described that love hurts and its a scrifice.

 

I felt like i got the message that i do indeed love my ex and really ill try the best i can to be there for her. I feel like my prayer was answered, even yesterday the sponsor read some stuff written by one of the saints that influenced aa it said we should give even if its difficult and love those that hate us.

 

I told the ex today that she knows where to find me ill be here for her if and when she needs me

Edited March 19, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

well late sunday early Monday got called into work for snow removal. After several hours it hit me that last year I was doing this and had my family to go home to but now after this ill be going home alone

 

I started crying towards the end of my shift, I decided it was time to purge my apartment.

 

!st thing I did when I got back was round up all the old fotos I found, it was so hard I started to cry real bad I pu them in a baggie, then I got the wedding foto and other momentos like a cd that was our music it was mazzie star had fade into you on it, had some love letters she wrote me years ago a birthday card I used to have sit out as a decoration for a few years and old earing of hers I found and had always kept in my shaving bag when I traveled. I took those items put in a paper bag and burned them outside.

 

It was so hard I prayed I said god these are very special things for me which I have lost please help me I miss my family so much I miss her and love her

 

Then I put on my wedding ring and went to pawn shop and sold it. I cried on the way there and cried as I was leaving.

 

I took $100 and put it in the fotos I did write a note saying that I cant have these around its too disturbing and painful, I said I loved u so much only god could've loved u more but who am i kidding I still do and I cant believe its over between us.

 

last week I told her my money was tight and id be late getting her the $100 for april, so I sent her a text saying I got her the money she wanted and its in her mail box. she called me wanting to know how I got the money.

 

I told her I pulled some tricks and got the money she asked what tricks I said well I sold some stuff, she asked what stuff, I said things, she asked what things, I said just some stuff, she asked what stuff, I said well I sold my ring. So said oh, I said well I got to go but u got ur money.

 

Ten minutes later she stops by I told her I was just about to go to bed she said c'mon et me in I said ok, she was here for over an hour, hour and a half perhaps, the conversation was pretty serious but calm and peaceful.

 

I told her I was purging and I needed to do it, I said I also threw away many of the dishes she gave me cause t was too painful to see them it was an old set we had for many years.

 

I also told her how I burned the wedding foto and love letters the cd the music tape, shes never said it but I could tell she was not happy about this.

 

She told me shed never sell her ring.

 

She asked me if my therapist told me to do this and was worried I was suicidal since I said I needed extra counseling to combat the hardcore depression misery and pain from being spiritually raped in divorce.

 

he also said perhaps I wanted those fotos u should not have burned them all I said oh the vast bulk of them are in ur mailbox.

 

I said this helped me to get over my other gf who dumped me before u and I met I had to burn and throw away everything, I said I needed to do this cause its over u divorced me and ur shagging some other guy.

 

We talked a lot about what I done wrong , I admitted she was right and brought out my list of character defects I learned from aa and said well yes it was my pride there that was my lust there, that was my anger over there, it was run amok and It made it bad for u im so sorry. ive done so much work to uncover all these things but it seems to late now anyway u have new man so whatever. She said was I supposed to wait I don't think so. I said it would've been nice if u told me I had to got aa, she said im not ur mother, I said well u played the mom card by demanded ding I moved out those times.

 

She goes on well I blame u for making me a single mom and this divorce and I resent u for my financial difficulties my office is so slow and I really couldve used ur money but ur here and uve blown it all on therapy. I said u don't get it how hard this is on me , I lost my family my lover, my old house. I started to cry in front of her and said im really tired now id like to sleep, she stayed for another half hour.

 

She said I don't understand u how can u be so sad u were so angry all the time the last 3 yrs. I said I was in a lurch , and a slump for sure and it took a long time to peel it back bt once I did the love was still there shining brightly but its too late now u divorced me and have new man.

 

i said well looks like from what u told me uve got me replaced now anyway he wants to marry u and wants to support u, so ur money problem will be ok.

 

She said i don't know about him,

 

she said one thing about him though he respects my boundaries and wont hound me to do things in bedroom i don't like, she said i think ur male friends poisoned ur mind, i said no it was other women we knew who said they enjoyed swallowing and besides u had done it as well but either way it was my lust run amok and i needed more god.

 

also too i had no idea it would lead to this, this is so much more horrible than going 3, 6, 9, months without sex, she did agree that was bad. I said it drove me crazy to go so long with out sex and too u say u miss my money, im sorry dear but i have a feeling that ud be so mean to mean now with ur solo office. u were so mean to mean with all the over time i worked u sad all kinds of things which hurt me a lot, like how u used to call me piece of **** factory worker i have a feeling that this would be back in full force. She said i don't know what ur talking abut and i said i know u have no idea.

 

So in conclusion once again i really felt she was not happy i burned, tossed and sold and gave back stuff, i also took ownership of my garbage and then pointed out how she hurt me a lot. She looked drained when she left but i was drained when she showed up

 

also i can infer that this old co-worker who joined the army with a law degree is giving her pause and concern of some kind. ive told her before he wont be able to love her the way i did, and he wont sure its easy now since they are separated by many thousand miles. God i pray it goes south out boys need us together and i can be so much better, every single item she had with me ive found a solution.

 

Ha earlier i told her that i said well i hurt u and u found ur solution u divorced me and got him so aren't u happy, she said this is not a solution at all that's when she went on the i blame u statements, i took it and tried to own as much as i possibly could, i can tell that ive done a poor job over the years of showing her how she hurt me which led to drunken blow out on October 2009.

 

****me this sticks bad, damn i was crying again today.

[portableversion]

the purge has helped a lot, found some more fotos that we used to have in our apartment on display, it was so romantic we each had a clipping of our hair on the frame with this foto, I also found a card and a love letter she sent me when she was studying in England, I dropped everything and went out side and set it on fire, I also fond more wedding cards and just threw those on the trash.

 

Of course I said my prayer I said God this was very special to me I loved this woman with every fiber of my being and I miss my family all being together, I know I did bad things to drive her away I hope God u can bring us back together, I miss us all together so badly, I still hurt a lot, its in ur hands God. I said God please soften her heart she still has much anger towards me come to her and help heal her too so we can fix this , I really believe this has been a huge mistake, ive learned what I did wrong and it can be so much better.

 

In the meantime I had to tell her this weekend I cannot be her friend at all it just hurts to much shes involved with her new man, and besides why bother its just too draining, each time we get together and get along it just gives me a false hope we can reunite.

 

I really don't understand why she wants to be friends with me when she has her boyfriend I told her uve moved on with him u just need to focus on him.

 

So sad I did tell her again that its really because I do still love her and have seen the solution to the problems and that I do believe its all a huge mistake and, ive been working so hard to change, but with her continued involvement with him as long as hes in the picture give me several years and then maybe.

 

Man a huge wave of depression hit me today I had to talk to a few different people, hit church and a meeting the depression did not really subside until I made it to the 8 pm meeting.

 

I saw this one lady whose talked to me before she knows a bit of my story and she asked me how I was doing I said well ive stayed sober and have endured more emotional rollercoaster, I told her a bit of the convo I had with x and she told me she was proud of me and I did the right thing, she told me im not flawed and im just human who needs to protect myself and x has no business trying to be friends or whatever as long as shes involved with other men.

 

SHe gave me a big hug, man shes so nice id like to get to know her better she looks so good in a pair of jeans, shes 2 years older than me and is very nice and has a figure which is just awesome. I know shes dated other men in the program before so I know shes not opposed to doing that, shes so nice and had a strong spirituality and has many good things to say, her 10 yr old daughter is real nice and im sure would have fun playing with my boys if me and her ever got to that point. Definitely gonna keep going to the 8 pm meetings.

 

So overall im still in a situation im completely dissatisfied with but after tonights meeting I do just feel so much better, perhaps it was the conversation and then this other girl is starting to get to know me and likes to talk to me after the meeetings too. Ha she blurted out today she wants to have a baby, that got my mind rolling I would not be opposed to starting a new family if I met the right person.

 

So sad but oh well x does not seem to care at all ive changed for the better and that ive spent massive amounts of effort to become a better partner for her shes so involved with soldier dude she seems content, to me, to have a broken family and does not want reunification at all, so yeah she can take a hike shes not my friend shes my ex wife, she either needs to get serious and work with me to rebuild our family or just leave me the frick alone, and like forever.

 

She told me tonight that after my emotions stabilize more, that then well try this again, I just dont think she gets it, it seems she thinks the divorce is just something people do. Or that ill be ok with her shagging other people, she needs to get real and understand what she asks of me is completely absurd. My emotions will stabilize and ill heal and then ill just be able to tell her to piss of and not care or cry. Its either work on this or move on that's it. None of this bs of being buddy buddy with the ex while shagging someone else. Perhaps after another 80 to 500 years from now it could be possible.

 

At times I really do think shes insane and just not right in the head. Sponsor told me tonight she trying to hold me hostage, hes told me before she sick in the head and needs help probably aa or al anon herself, or therapy. He told me my x reminds him a lot of his x whose a raging alcoholic he said man the similarities are many. Man this stinks so bad, oh well ive managed to make it another day with out resorting to drugs and suicide.

 

There is no way this relationship with her army dude is gonna last I cant believe he would be faithful any way. Army women are hot, and something about the uniform make soldiers wanna do it. I really hope and pray he meets a woman a bit closer to his age who has no kids and he dumps my ex perhaps then shell want to try again. Who knows by the time that happens perhaps ill have finally gotten together with someone who will give me a much better healthier relationship and it will just be too late. Man that would be a huge dilemma if that were to happen. For me I do belive reunification if the opportunity presents itself is the right thing to do, especially for the boys they need a mom and a dad.

[portableversion]

more thoughts and reflection on the path im going. Ihad to tell God that im not able to pull the jesus plan and be her friend it just hurts to much, I had a sense of calm and tranquility come over me. I went to the 8 pm tonight and it felt so good to be there.

 

I got everyone laughing so hard my mood is greatly lifting and im sure its because ive healed some more and im really ready to stick to my guns this time. This last trip of hers to Alaska is it for me im done. Sure ill be polite and do the best I can to avoid inappropriate comments but its gonna be about the kids and kids only.

 

NO more yard work no more cleaning the gutters, no more small talk at all , im sure ill have some more tears and a few more ups and downs but, no more shoveling off the driveway if it snows. SHe wanted this stupid ****ing divorce its time to live like it.

 

Her desires to be friends and be friendly is absurd she obviously has no idea how much and how deeply I love her, and how badly this divorce has hurt me. Its time for the business professional, any more I see her as a stranger that lives with my kids.

 

She dealt me the ultimate betrayal she wanted me out of her life and so im gone time to disappear in the mist and fog. One day since ive removed about 95% of traces of our relationship it will just be a distant foggy memory buried under the life of the present. I aint got the energy or the time to deal with this gray area bs, once again its either be serious and work on reuniting the family and ditch mr Alaska or else butt out and leave me alone, get gone get out of here, bye bye. The gray area bs violates my boundaries.

 

Ive got the skills and tools and personality to have a wonderful meaningful friendship with a woman who will put me and her relationship as a priority not just something on the to side to consume when boyfriend is not available. I only do platonic relationships with women who are married or have boyfriends or co-workers she my ex wife who s dating someone else so she don't fit into what i can accept for a platonic deal. Im sure this will take some time I imagine after a few months of me dissing her shell get the picture, im practicing my speech, either loose him and be serious about rebuilding our family which is the right thing and the healthiest thing for our boys or go away. I know it could be so much better but she don't want it and is happy with this, im out. im done and today it feels real good to say that the positive energy in me is surging to new levels the world is my oyster.

Edited April 9, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

well she was here to drop off the boys for the 9 days shes going to be shagging her man. I saw her and I wanted to puke.

 

Itll be good to see the boys everyday, I cant get to excited cause then ill have to give them back and ill be all alone again.

 

Omg im on a rollercoaster still, almost wish we never had kids now and when she gets back I really wont want to even look at her, shell have the stink of other man on her.

 

I sent off my application today for a dangerous job climbing cell phone towers, it requires a lot of travel and I hope I can handle it and get hired, itll help me to just disappear. ill be gone all the time and will only be home on the weekends. If I get this job shell have to have her mom come down and stay a week with the boys, for her next trip to Alaska. So sad so sad.

 

ONe bad thing about this job I applied for im sure it too will be like my current job 98% men, im gonna be alone for a long time.

 

Then too if I don't get this job im gonna have to move back in with my mom and step dad im going broke, and cant do it here with this job.

 

IM not suprised no one at my job lives alone they all have roommates or a spouse or a lover or they live with their parents. and if I have to move back I with mom ill end up getting a job that pays less than what I have here and im sure no one will want to date me , geez id feel like it was highschool again. Even my old supervisor told me I was screwed, he said bro ur ****ed don't even think about saving money u can just forget it ur done man. IN a lot of ways hes very correct. Stick a fork in it im done financially and emotionally, just ruined on so many levels.

 

Oh my world has been completely turned upside down, im 38 going on to 12. Well unless I get this job, ill have to pray im scared of heights but I have to try it, it would be a good opportunity for me, ill make more money and ill be away from this town and her. Man she turned my world upside down, complete total upheaval. SHe don't even care she has her boyfriend and everything she wants. I feel lucky to have a moment of a peaceful calm state of mind, been in the dumps for a long time now.

 

well its been almost a week since I cried last, man she hurt me so bad

Edited April 12, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

new plans, I just remembered the last time she went to Alaska to get plowed by her man the boys wanted to talk to her and then she wanted to talk to me hell she even had the audacity to call me on the way up there to tell me of the seattle airport.

 

Got the idea that perhaps shell want to try this again and this time ill just tell her im busy if its important send me a text ill get to it when in not busy, im watching an old rerun of cheers now.

 

Then it occurred to me that yeah from now on I don't even want to hear her voice, we can discuss the kids thru text, so kid talk only thru text. NO pint in being frinds if it wont bring us back together, just a waste of my time and energy, she betrayed me and I have no time for traitors.

 

Ive told her many many times that I miss her so bad and I still love her and ive expended much effort to address every single concern she had with me, but the results have been zilch, just some cozy visits then a hit up for more money or greasing me up to watch the kids for her next trip to Alaska to shag her bf.

 

I don't deserve this abuse anymore, She tried calling me once this week and another text I ignored them both, felt good and sad at the same time, she wanted this stupid divorce its time to act like it, time to act like it was what we wanted and it was a good thing to be celebrated. Such bs it was a moral crime.

 

Man I hope I get that job it will be so good to be away from this town for days on end and to just be far away from her, and all the places here we used to hang out, this whole stupid town makes me think of her shes the only reason im here.

 

Tax return turned out to be a bust irs said I did it wrong and only got 11 dollars for return , I was afraid of that but was not surprised hopefully next year will be better since ill have a whole year of paying the much higher rate of single with no kids.

 

SO had to pause on the purge, oh well all I got left are 2 coats a pair of shoes some curtains a few towels and a small pot a dutch oven we used on camping trips and a soup pot. once I get more money ill slowly replce these too and it will be done.

 

I also found hypnotherapist here in town gonna call them up to see if I can erae or bury memories, it would be awesome to look at her and not know who she is. Oh it would be worth every penny then I could believe myself when I told people oh ive never been married, I don't know what u talk of. Oh id be willing to expend much money on it if it were possible.

 

She destroyed my life emotionally financially, destroyed my role as a father, im just a single dude who gets to see his kids every so often. My whole world was turned upside down and gutted. She has no clue all she can think about is the stigma of being a single mom, im sure shell shed a tear when getting ****ed by her man over the net 9 days, the thought of her makes me wanna puke. I invested everything I had in her and now I have so little left, so much for death do us part just another one of her lies or wishy washy statements I guess, I cant trust her she always changed her mind on stuff shes not to be trusted unless she asks for money that seems to be an issue she consistent on. I just don't understand it im a man of love.

 

I jut want someone who love me and is attracted to me and will want to have sex with me and share life together, and says what they mean and mean what they say, this lady cant listen to her gotta see what she does.

 

SO thus im back to my original conclusion since shes such a liar and manipulator who betrayed me its just text and text only about the kids, no more communication than that, none zilch zero. Unless she can convince me that its done with her and her man and she wants to do the work to rebuild, id open up for that.

[portableversion]

so good so far, there have been 3 different chat sessions where she talked to the boys and she did not ask to speak with me. Ahh what a relief but im ready. I don't have time to listen to her voice my life is too important and precious to be wasted on someone who didn't want to do any work at all to preserve a sacred relationship. other than just tossing me out hoping I get the message and then treating me like crap when she decides to let me back in. Leaned much in my self helps how ineffective those tactics were and just created more problems. SHe don't care she thinks they were good to go. What foolishness, oh well shes the problem to her bf now.

 

Definitely with such a mindset that relationship is doomed for failure. yeah refuses to find the proper way to fix a marriage, which is so much more important than just the shag system of oh I hurt lets screw. Oh well water sinks to the same level

[portableversion]

yep got fired today from my job. last week I told the boss that I don't think I can make it here and may have to move in with my mom. So he fired me today saying he needs assurances his people can be here the whole season.

 

He said hed give me a good reference, but in short nothing has changed just maybe the time table. its either get this job or move back home, I scanned the paper and its full of bs jobs.

 

Really I don't even care this set back has been nothing to getting spiritually raped by the love of my life who didn't not have the willingness or courage to find a proper solution to save our sacred relationship made in a church with a vow made with god.

I don't even care im gald to be away from that place it was too full of memories id always be thinking that man I just wanna go home to be with my family so all the properties id remember oh I was here wantng to go home , or I was there remembering some hot blowjob she gave me , o r I was doing that by that tree or wall thinking of something funny my boys did.

 

My thoughts were always on my family at that place and it was still triggeriing those thoughts, now that's its been destroyed and tossed on the garbage it really is time to move on so yeah nothing has changed either get that job or go back home to mom. Man at that interview im gonna climb like I never climbed before to new heights upwards and onwards. I really hope I can get it my moms house makes me think of her too, for 17 yrs I was never there without her. ill remember the sex we had or sleeping together there or sneaking back in from late nite visits with my buddy, me and her would come in and munch on step dads crackers .

 

oh well I said my prayers and and there is still much to be thankful for. Either way ill be away from more memory trigger which is essential , im sure she don't think of me very much at all since shes moved on with her new man.

[portableversion]

detected depression trying t set in again today, but now it has more shades of anger. but it quickly just turned into a sense of blah. I was missin gher remembering times of being together in the house watching tv or sitting together on the back porch with the canldes lit enjying the evening discussing the drama of her ****ed up job and all its negativity.

 

 

I knew she made me mad an d miserable but I always felt we were supposed to be together and even during the bad times I felt it was just right where I needed to be.

 

Ah got me another job lined up sponser has a friend who owns a bricklaying and concrete business. They need a mason tender so I start in about 10 days or so helping to build a brick house. Ironic I has wanted a job like thins now for quite sometime and now here it is.

 

its something to keep me busy till I get the other job but this job is paying me $2 an hour less . Ive heard these job s have higher potential in the long term as far as hourly wage goes but still the construction industry has been hit hard.

 

Still in the same boat get tower climber or move back home with mom and larry. I guess I still could kill myself. Lol my bro -in-law who told me of tower climber job said it was perfect for us who have a death wish I laughed pretty hard neither one of us is enjoying life very much at all.

 

Man this stinks I think the neighbors are playing smashing pumpkins, this was music me and her listened to a lot we bought an album Siamese dream along time ago and listen to it together a lot, I cant stand to hear it now, I cant ****ing escape every day there is something to make me think of her, I want to hug her and tell her I love her and sleep next to her in bed I wanna go home, but it aint happening.

 

man I hope I get that job be by myself high in a tower just me and god, and then back in hotel room far away . knowing my luck we will goto some town where the last time I was there was with her.

 

**** divorce I cant believe someone invented it yeah I agree with the videos I saw in surviving divorce it would be easier to be dead than have to deal with this. im glad shes ****ing happy with her new man . I think I said it before but I went to funerals and they seemed like a trip to comedy club compared to this bull****. im sure if she heard me she call me a drama queen. She just cant feel I had called her dr spock before she got a heart of stone it don't have warmth or bleed it just cuts and puts off dust. she told me one time she cried for a month, whatever lady ive cried for many many months, must be nice to not feel or not care as she said we all have our own unique luck, she get sex and no pain I get loneliness and a river of sorrow.

 

oh well at least there is old age an eternity here would be hell, where jesus , great mighty God come and destroy this place now, I want out, o cant believe she gone and shagging other man, I made a vow of death do us part and I ****ing meant it such bs ..........spiritual rape, emotional rape, financial rape, destruction of fatherhood...aaaarrrrggggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[portableversion]

ah may as well put this in not this sunday that just passed but the sunday before and that weekend I was really ignoring her calls and texts just waiting for her to give me a message, she finally came over here that Saturday. She said I know u hate me but when it comes to the kids I need a response form u that u got the message, I said im sorry ur right ill do better but just know I aint ur ****ing friend u got ur boyfriend its time to move on its over its done. I said dis tah tall u needed she said yes I said good lets go, I started t walk back on my apartment and she left I didn't even look at her or say good bye, really I stopped doing that I don't want to , , I figure why offer that to someone who has betrayed me on such a serious level as had a new man he san be nice to her and say good bye to her, she needs to piss off.

 

Took the boys to the park and we end up exchanging texts for about an hour or so. IN short the gist was that she said I am willing t be friendly but u are the one not willing to do this and I replied hey this is normal divorce is just too painful and its a major violation of trust give it several years. SHe wanted me to apologize for saying I was having fantasies to bash in her skull the week before, so nuts if she was so afraid why did she stay another half hour and eat my bananas? I told her hey I git more than just depression, it was a poetic expression, im not a violent person. her stupid job made her so hyper sensitive shes just nuts.

 

She was pissed too and posted it on the social media I found a computer and posted my side f the story and I outed her by blabbing to everyone she comes over here all the time and it hurts me. It really got a huge conversation started she deleted her posts which just proves she knows she full of bs.

 

BUt yeah she texted me about that and I said I was sorry I said that but it was silly and it was noting serious and besides once again if it was so bad why stay here for another half hour and eat my food?

 

But yeah I told her I cant be her friend she has a bf so forget it its time to move on.

 

Sunday dropped off the boys she wanted me to look at snow plow damage in the yard along the neighbors driveway, I did she hung by I felt she wanted to talk and we eventually did, ultimately she said she was going to give me more time to chill out so we could work onthis frind ship stuff.

 

So don't ****ing get it, as long as she shagging other men I aint gonna play....perhaps I did post this already ......

 

so it seems she gonna try this again in the future but my chill out means ill just tell her to leave me alone and I just wont care she betrayed me she did nottihng to work this out, shes got her bf, she either get serious about fixing us or go away I will never ever be a friend its just business about the kids nothing more it s done its toast its over,

 

this alst trip to alaska has really done it for me , one time she had the audacity to say so what im ****ing some other guy get over it its no big deal. SHes such a fool its everything she minimize it to her peril. Proof she not right in the head or just someone who had a different value structure than me perhaps she is a whore, only a major slut would say something like that. I don't need such trash in my life, such a foul attitude its just sex no big deal.

 

Well then its no big deal if I don't ever want to talk to u again either its just silence and distance get over it . her world perspective is violating my boundaries she makes me sick with such talk..

 

Gonna give me more time to chill out ...such foolish talk she really has no idea how she hurts me she has no idea of how her behavior tears me to shreds. Has has no clue how her getting plowed by someother guy is it for me it its the ultimate f-you.

 

Chill out to be on friends, hell no ****ing way never ever as along as she has other man its wrong its a crime against our vows. was Jefferson davis able to become friends with abe Lincoln was grant and lee able to be friends, after such bs no, sure they could shake hands and discuss business but its broken with no return..

 

Well return is possible but not the way she thinks, its kid talk only nothing more, im sick of her its cruel and inhumane. man she hurt me so bad to have ur life long partner divorce you and go shag someone else is the ultimate betrayal.

 

either leave him and get serious about rebuilding us or get lost there is no in between anything else is just abuse, so sick . I wonder if she do this on purpose to hurt me

 

give me more time such bs... well if other shag partners are involved give it 300-500 years and then maybe enough time will have passed to be buddy buddy. She so inconsiderate of my feelings and so selfish

Edited April 17, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

ah so this is Saturday , on Wednesday were were jut getting the start of a storm system that was going to dump a lot of rain.

 

Boys were at school an di was napping she started to call me several time I was resolved to ignore her calls she left a voice mail and a text that was vague, talk to me please, I need to talk.

 

She called as I was reading the text I clicked ignore, I sent back text asking why, she called me and I decided to answer,

 

it did start outa bit emotional with I know u hate me statement. I said no way I love you that's the problem. SHe said ive told you I was sorry, later on I sent a text saying if u were truly sorry ud work with me to rebuild us and our family. I told her I know u apologized and now what ur in Alaska with ur boyfriend she agreed that we should only discuss kids and its best but now she needs me, other stuff was said oh hse asked me if I was so serious when I said getting fired didnt bother me, and that being divorced and her with her man made me numb. SHe said I don't get u , u had so much anger towards me. I said well its like the therapist said that's why the law says u should live a part for 6 months so people can get space and cool off and really see if they want out. Heck I was divorced and out of the house on only 90 days or a little more.

 

I never got the 6 months but I did lots of work and it did not take me long to know I never wanted this, I found a solution in therapy and aa, but yeah the 2nd week after the papers were filed I knew that no way this is wrong. I said but u have met ur man and have really liked it so much u now introduce him to the boys.

 

The whole thing is greatly disturbing, I said me ive walked thru my anger saw where I was wrong and found answers to make us better but you don't want it

 

I said yeah I really meant it, the world has nothing left to toss at me , I don't care bring it on, the divorce and your continued involvement with this guy has really destroyed me.

 

SHe said I need you to break into the house and close the drain. She sid im afraid the basement will flood, get into the garage get a hammer and crow bar and do what u need to get inside.

 

I said u know I could be a dick and call you names right now. I got the boys and went over there.

 

It was disturbing to me, for a few moments it felt just like old times, I was home with my boys but now she was gone away with her new love in alaska and here I am without her, the only reason why im here is cause she cant care for the house , cause shes with him and I gotta fix her mistake.

 

But also too the event, it was symbolic of my desires, the effort it took with ax and screwdriver to break off the door knob and get inside was parallel to my efforts of self change and growth and whatever to seriously explore all critique she had of me to become better and win her back and come back home.

 

I did it and I didn't call her names but as soon as I got the door opened I did send text with pic of the open door, I said have fun with ur boyfriend , I told u a million times that I love you and believe this way we are now is wrong.

 

SHe called and wanted to talk I refused after that it was thru son, I was hit with all the old sights and smell of my old house, the memories came over me and then I thought too, shes had him here and they probably did it here, its not my home anymore, hes got more claim to it than I do now.

 

SHe wanted to knw how I got the door knob off and stuff I told older son I don't want to talk to mommy shes with her bf and im just feeling hurt and sad I aint talking to her.

 

I did a favor and it cost me a lot of mental stability, I went into tail spin and had to goto a meeting that night and call beck my divorce support lady who teaches my single and parenting. ONe of the benefits of having one on one is the close nitness we have. I try not to call her very often.

 

I ended up with out yelling and name calling blurted a lot to my older son and my ex and her bf and why and how it hurt and that perhaps when he gets into highschool he will start to see and hear of these things, because of sex people get crazy with emotions and since we got kids its even worse.

 

Becky said I did ok and it sure could have been worse but over all what I did was not that bad . She told me I was a real man and God will b smiling at me for this deed and that I am a real man in that ive tried so hard to see my errors and admit them and try to undo them ass opposed to just blaming the other person. And here despite all the hurt and pain and everything I helped her when she asked it from me. She said u just went thru a lot right now and did just fine. SHe said it was no small thing for me to help her the way I did.

 

This sucks this is a game I don't want to play anymore, I want out, I wanna cry uncle to make it stop and it just don't. Gotta play assistant to help her have a smooth flawless dating regime with her bf, WHERE WAS OUR baby sitter?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

we hardly did stuff just me and her, must be nice to be the bf he gets quality time I needed as a husband. F-this, this last trip of hers is snapping something in me,perhaps its just finally enough time has gone by to erode the sharp edges of this misery, I don't know this is just a nightmare I probably have shell shock

Edited April 21, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

Tried something today, not sure what you'd call it exactly but I guess its an attempt to do what I like even though shes not around anymore.

 

I got the boys with me at my moms this weekend and I took them to the park after dinner. I decided after playing on the equipment and playing tag that I wanted to take the boys on a walk.

 

this is a small town and for me and some of my other friends we had gotten into the habit of walking on the train tracks. Hardly any trains use it maybe twice a month a train comes thru here.

 

It was odd because the custom was to walk to this spot where one can climb down, in highschool there was a tree there, and still is ,we had stolen lumber a long time ago and made what we called perches, well thru the years x and I when we went on walks would go to this place and sometimes goto the tree or just sit on the tracks and talk.

 

I noticed new piles of rr ties , I realized they were going to replace all the ties, and then it occurred to me these were the exact same ties ive walked on for the past 20 yrs.

 

I got to the spot with my boys we did not climb down to get to the tree, I stood there and realized they were the exact same ties me and her walked on sat on and really the last time I was there she had been with me, well perhaps ive been there once post divorce but for real ive got 17 yrs of history where for me it was a place me and her would go, one of the moments where it was just me and her. This place was a place for us to be together alone. I relived those times, I felt her there with me like a ghost

 

I remembered her trying to balance herself on the track itself or taking odd steps to walk on the ties with me. I though just another thing I had with her which is now disappearing. the world is changing and getting replaced and we are not here together to leave our common shared imprint on it. SHes seeing her own thing now separate from me . She loves another man , and im alone well I got my boys but a man needs a woman. I told the boys how this place made me think of mommy and this was a place we usually walk to when we visited grammy(my mom). I was feeling again that I miss her but at least I didn't feel like I needed to cry. I was sure thinking of her.

 

When older son talked to her earlier in the day I heard her ask him what I was doing he told her I was on the computer. I can tell she thinks of me , but in all honesty its bs thoughts, whatever she thinking its not to come back to me, its just a nosy curiosity. I had a small voice enter my mind telling me to grab the phone and tell her don't ask about me u got ur bf focus on him and don't think about me. I did nothing it was just a passing thought.

 

I do still miss her and love her a lot, Im guess im playing the distance game now, absence makes the heart fonder, but if it goes on long enough it makes the heart forget. I guess one day finally I will have forgotten.

 

IM 38 and my life long goal of being a family man is gone, nothing much else interests me anymore at all. I guess one day ill have forgotten the remnants of this person who for 17yrs had a living dream which is now gone. I wont remember who this person is , it will be someone else. is it possible to be a person of new dream , perhaps so, I don't know I really found being family man more worthwhile then much of anything else, heck of a lot better than getting together with the bros to get drunk or play x-box or play station.

 

I have to get to the point where I regain enjoyment and fulfillment from a life style I never wanted where play station with the bros is the ultimate, the best I can have on a Friday night.

 

Ill eventully hope to find a woman there are no prospects right now at all. I see nothing.

 

Saw my buddy this weekend when I entered he was playing the mazzy star cd, that was me and her cd, it was the same cd I burned with wedding foto and love letters and birth day card. It was odd listening to it. it was ok I didn't cry. I must be moving on. Slowly and surely she will get distant and foggy. Us together will be a distant memory that wont even register on my mind except for a few fleeting moments. 17 yrs gone done destroyed, wiped out.

 

IM lucky to be alive today. Wow she hurt me with this stuff, had no idea such pain was possible, had no clue how bad life could get, always thought wed be together forever. I really did love her with every fiber of my being and really it was so alive and well despite all the bs and garbage, or how she made me not feel good. someway somehow all the bad times just buried it , It was not dead at all it was there as always. Perhaps I never should've joined aa, I could have just stayed in a place where I blamed her for everything like she does me, and then perhaps Id be ready to move on faster, I would not have peeled back all my mistakes only to have my love for her blast thru and give me a huge hello. Without my efforts perhaps I would have gotten more satisfaction when I slept with married lady or went to asian massage parlour.

Edited April 21, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

well im back to my place now, here with one last night with my boys. shell be back here tomorrow and will be picking them up from school.

 

I have mixed feelings since she was just with him and is so into him it will be best for my health to not even have to look at her but I still do miss her. But for real shes obviously in love with this guy; talking to her or seeing her is just a waste of time and an another opportunity for more pain. Wish it would just go away. such crap it takes up so much of my mental space I bet she was really thinking of me when she was shagging her bf this week. So sad it would be nice if I could move on as quickly as she has and fall in love with someone else.

 

Its still weird for me to be at my moms without her and i was really thinking of her when I drove home today. I told my son I wish mommy was here I do miss her a lot.

 

its a curse for me to still love her the way I do, when will it go away, its so stupid. shes done everything possible to crap on me she divorced me and has a bf, how can I still miss her.

 

ah life does seem to be so gray, I mean she really made me feel miserable with her negativity but this is so much worse. at least the sun was shining and its getting warmer. I need to be prepared for no contact as much as possible, I don't like it but in this situation it really is for the best. She has someone else in her life now and it aint me. we aren't going to grow old together we are going to die in different corners of the world and not be there for each other any more. Shes willing to go out of her way to shag this guy she never sacrificed like that for me to have sex, shes so done with me I need to be done with her

 

I don't know ill always see the others in aa who got remarried to their ex's and think about it im sure, I know im game but she aint.

 

well I didn't cry this time so I must be slowly moving on despite the fact its real easy to just feel blah and ****ty

Edited April 22, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

huh went to the noon meeting today, I listened to this girl talk about her ego and pride and her will and how she was using it to try to control others or insert her will on others. It was very interesting to hear what she had to say over and over again I just kept thinking man my x did that to me, just like how shes describing her stuff and how shes trying to work on it because her sponsor identified it as a problem in her from the 4th step. I was amzed it was such a mature conversation and the girl is only 20. Oh man I twould have been nice to have such a mature convo with the ex. I can really see how aa heals and restores relationships..

 

Listened to another lady describing how aa saved her marriage, must be nice to have someone who was willing to honor the vows. ANy more im thinking aa will be the source to find a trust worthy woman to live with, these gals got their act together and are learning about life n ways I don't hear many others talk about.

 

Very interesting indeed I realized I was at the receiving end of so much control and power play thru the years. Odd to hear how this young lady was realizing how she was not respecting others in her life from this. I really felt the x didn't show much respect for me at all maybe the 1st year we were together she had after that it does seem she was trying to mold me into something else. I really thought man x needs to hear this im learning a lot this program would indeed help us I wonder if al anon go thru the steps I know they help them work thru their baggage but is it the steps.

 

so sad for me these meetings; I keep seeing how people save and restore stuff but its too late for me. I guess these others have a more vibrant love that what I was experiencing.

 

Pointless to ponder she found her solution; destroy the family and shag someone else, just the proper thing to do to heal a family, I guess it must be working for her.