im so messed up

[portableversion]

i just read your stuff man, it is a sad story. You help me put some perspective on my own issues. And i want to give you some thoughts that might not be so helpful, but at least they will be honest.

 

Hang in there. You have to rediscover yourself, who you are outside of what your life used to be. Who you want to be. What makes you happy. You have gone to therapy and you grief a lot. I think you still need to accept the reality, and the fact you are past the point of salvaging what used to be. But from the last posts it is getting better right?

 

And i think yes, you can enjoy life. All the time. You just have to adapt to your new circumstances and make the most out of it. You have to reframe your thoughts. All of your life right now is just longing. Your family is no more. You see your children scarcely. Your ex is with someone else. You already tried to erase that part (by selling the ring, burning pics, getting rid of her stuff) but i think it has been just a mask because deep down you did not want that. But it is what it is. Relationships are a 2 way thing, and you can not force the other part into it it has to be a voluntary thing, and that adds to the fragility, and the beauty of it.

 

But you have to get through it. And realize that you are not being the best version of yourself. Love does not come to someone that dwells in the past and in all that sadness. That kind of behavior will not attract good stuff (unless you are really lucky i guess) You have to slowly but surely do better, decide on it, man up, work on it.

 

You have two children, and I don't think you are giving a good example to them, a figure to follow. Although i don't know if they see the side of you you post in here.

 

Keep strong man.

 

yeah hear ya, ive read about acceptance and prayed and meditated worked out, its just gonna take time, and I used this place as a way to get stuff out of my head.

 

its just gonna take time 17 yrs is not going to go away overnight. telling myself im over it and really being over it are 2 different things.

 

plus too right now im in between jobs but thankfully I start on Monday in a field ive wanted to get into for quite sometime. It will be physically back breaking stuff which is exactly what I need plus I heard this guy works a ton of hours too so that will be good.

 

I have gotten much better but this over all shows how low I had descended, I do see a light at the end of a tunnel for sure, each day the lows get a little less low and the highs get a little more high.

 

Read somewhere that one really need a month of healing for each year they were married so I don't know we were together for a total of 17 yrs and dates for 4 so I got at least 13 months of grieve time that puts me at September. or if I take the whole time it will be in 2014 sometime.

 

All I can say is to those that suspect they are gonna get divorced by their spouse it would behoove you to get to the bottom of it.

 

I can see myself being much better by September but im sure xmas will stink actually many of the holidays are going to be ruined for a considerable amount of time I may never ever enjoy them the way I used to.

 

yeah who am I? Gotta completely reinvent and determine a new answer to something I thought was answered back in 1998.

 

im probably not the best example to my kids now not at all, the other day was tough when big guy was here with a back pack his mother got him from the army base where her boyfriend is at, just looking at it tore me up. I said nothing but it was not cool.

 

oh yeah one day ill wake up and be done with this, hopefully this job will end up paying well I miss going driving cross country. I miss eating different types of ethnic foods. Going from indian and thai to Kroger has been a loss unto itself.

 

Also too aa helps a lot right now a fella called me he needs a ride for errands stuff like this helps I can listen to his problems and get out of my head actually any more folks come to me to discuss the heartache of break ups and want to know how to survive, I help them too, like I said earlier im not worried about drinking im using aa ton get over this and lucky for me in can go everyday and its free.

either way this has been the absolute worst experience in my life, had no idea such pain was possible, I went to funerals which seemed like a trip to the comedy club compared to this.

[portableversion]

ah the loneliness was really crushing the other day, i said forget this may aswell send out a bunch of responses on my dating sites and craigslist.

 

ON cg actually found a cute lady she is younger than me but I thought hey that is definitely a serious part of who I am. I am a family guy, the life style of being married with kids is vital good stuff for me. I thought hey find a younger lady who does not have kids to try to eventually recreate the family I lost.

 

My previous 2 sons are basically taken care of so it could be possible for me to still have a family which is not blended. Im not to thrilled about raising someone elses kids, though ultimately I think that would be ok. I just view blended families as kinda sad and they can be extremely difficult. Divorce rates for blended families are real high. ANd yeah **** divorce I aint gonna go thru that bs ever again. I got the tool box to really snip that threat in the bud. Start fresh with skills, it could be real good. I am meant to be a father who lives with his kids.

 

Sure I still have my 2 boys but its not a family anymore, I see them so infrequently now may as well try to get into a situation where I can get that back, and rebuild myself as a family man. Try this thing all over again So yeah find a younger woman with no kids and who wants kids and hope she don't mind older man,

 

Well who knows this lady has been emailing me now on a regular basis she is definitely in this category, she don't mind im divorced and already have kids. And she don't mind im older than her. SHe did say she would like to meet me when she gets back stateside. Shes originally from a large city north of me

 

Also too shes in Africa right now with her mother, this tells me if its true that she likes to travel and would love different kinds of food. I indicated I don't really make that much money but it seems she don't care, shes looking for true hard core committed love and wants something serious.

 

Well that's me I play for keeps, I see no point in endless dating if I find someone worthwhile im gonna cling on for dear life and shoot for the marriage card. I am positve she wants this ultimately too. Her clock must be ticking

 

I did have to tell her well it does take a significant amount of time for 2 people to get to know each other and see if the compatibility is there, she sounds like a hopeless romantic like me and thinks a life with committed love is one of the most important things a person can have, and I agree. Forget jobs and money and power and prestige the only thing we take to the other side with us is love, love we give and love we receive. Wow she said things that really resonate with me, like just I said earlier that having and maintaining a serious loving relationship where you give ur heart and have the other persons heart is the utmost importance. SHe wants love, someone who will be there forever

 

well who knows cg has a lot of scams but I think this lady is for real, I had already had one date but that lady was huge and could not have kids either, but that was a response to an ad I once had. We shall see its all very early in this. I sure am not going to move very fast on this, ill have to sniff out insanity and power and control bs and anger issues and sexual hang ups, an d and penchant for lying and cheating. So far its sounding good but hey its just emails.

 

She mentioned she needs to see if a guy can be totally committed before she has good reason to submit and surrender her heart. If we hit this off im gonna make sure shes catholic or will convert, then going thru the annulment process will give the extra time to sniff out any problem areas to see if solutions can be found.

 

Though ironically I was told the annulment process has actually brought couples back together, its been a place where the couples can see wtf happened and find solutions, well x said she wants nothing to do with this so I don't really see that happening. And as I mentioned earlier I have already found solutions to us but hey when the papers are filed when one has not been out of the house for a month I suppose its bit late.

 

X don't care anyway of solutions shes all too thrilled with long distance Alaska man and having broken family, oh well what ever floats ur boat, me im gonna get a lady who lives down the street someone who is gonna be close by and can bee seen on a daily basis

[portableversion]

ok finally had my 1st day with the masonry outfit. I can tell right now im gonna love it. The guys are good people for sure.

So I was with the owner who had another long time co-worker and the co-workers son.

 

They have all know each other a long time. I got to know them a little bit the owner has been married for 33 years. He started to jokingly complain about her today, she kept calling him and leaving dirty messages. Like hey im naked in the tub, im playing with myself thinking of you. When are you coming home.

 

He said with a huge smile on his face i aint got time for her nonsense, he looked so happy, the msile on his face was ear to ear. I was amazed and then she came out today twice to see him. He said hey what are you doing here she said oh i had a break from work so i wanted to see you. She told him that she loved him gave him a kiss and a hug and called him sweetie.

 

I thought that's exactly what i need, that is so who i am. I thought geez she never thought of telling him oh hey we are not teeangers anymore sex is for them its gets old for people our age.

 

Man the boss is way older than me and by the looks of it his wife is horny and attracted. I could just tell by the way she hugged him and kissed him and said i love you.

 

She aint gonna tell him he needs to become gay if he wants to have a healthy robust sex life or some bull**** that we aint some teenager like my ex always told me.

 

That right there made me think yeah im gonna find someone who does love me and does not say horrible things about sex, or other feminazi bull**** life wives are whores or men really need other men.

 

This lady is in her 50's been with him for such a long time and has a sex drive, really made me think yeah God did me a solid my ex was never sweet like that. Made me feel so glad to be away from her she was so bad on my psyche. Forget her im moving on to better things i can tell its just a matter of time to find a much better partner. I was just shocked whan i saw that but then i suppose my own mom provides such an example shes 70 and been wit step dad for a long time and they get all sweet on each other in ways me and ex never did but in ways i always wanted.

 

Perhaps i find my self getting into a celebratory mood over the divorce, omg i need to get this annulment soon. I'm gonna find the right person for me and get remarried to someone so much more in line with me. IM gonna have the such a much better marriage partner. IM just shocked a woman who wants to take her clothes off instead of calling her hubby a fag. He did nothing to get that form her she just is that way. All this time my ex had made wonder if i had lust issue or was ocd or whatever. JUst cruel name calling to make me not know who i am.

 

I had single and parenting tonight and i told becky about it she said yes mike sounds like your boss and his wife do indeed have a very healthy relationship that's what it sure can look like and many people have that. I said i want that

 

oh and too the downstairs neighbor and his ol lady have been at it almost everyday. They sure aint teenagers and love to have sex. I think God was really answering my prayers here one of these days i will have that. A woman wont call me a fag someone who loves sex and needs sex to feel connected and just gets naked and tells me dirty naughty things on the phone. I can t wait, my prison sentence i over. Glad i sold the ring and burnt my stuff i was so oppressed..... me who i am was insulted and put down over and over again, for so long. I have come out of the cave an d seen the light, an dit will be mine.

Love thy self know what you want and need.

 

Yeah forget the ex she aint my friend she nothing but a bad memory whose insults and cruelty are no longer my problem. Ah a huge boulder has been lifted off my chest,

[portableversion]

this morning I was dreaming of the x but not really her just dreaming of being divorced. I was at some place and I was with a few people, we went outside to smoke. Someone mentioned they wanted to quit the other person said no way it comes in too handy to deal with stress and bad times. I looked over them and said yeah ive gotta smoke I just went through hell and in the dream I remembered the day she had me to sign those stupid ****ing papers. I never wanted to but its pointless with no fault spiritual rape. In my dream I started to cry in front of these people as a took a long drag from my cigarette and agreed smoking is good.

 

I woke up and lo and behold I was not crying. I got up in my tiny lonely apartment started to get my lunch box together and reflected on my dream and thought about how I did not wake up this time with a wet pillow. And then I recalled the multitude of times I was over here crying like a baby, over and over again. I thought this morning yeah I was dealt a deadly blow and now im better, I did go thru hell. Despite all the baggage and garbage, and conflicts I really loved her with every fiber of my being and felt so committed to her. I reflected man im still weak I feel fragile. Omg this divorce kicked my ass. **** me

 

Its a 1st, I think my depression is leaving me slowly and surely. Am I happy with my life, no im not but I guess im making peace with it. I thought later on today I wish I was an old man in a nursing home choking on my last few breaths, I cant wait it will be nice to leave this place once and for all.

 

The lady I was talking to on the internet turned out to be a scam, , oh it was elaborate, after many days of sharing likes and dislike and what each person wanted in a relationship I got hit up for money, I knew it then, oh well that's the internet good thing I created a fake email account to chat with these people, but nonetheless my hopes and dreams or recapturing a family life was dashed, it was definitely an emotional setback.

 

As I look back on my life I know for certain the best times have been when I was with someone all this crap of u don't need anybody and all that is just garbage to make single people be happy being alone. The bad times I had in a relationship were better than many other kids of times being alone. God created Adam and Eve we are not meant to be alone, God didn't even want to be alone that why it created all this stuff, it wanted to be loved and it loves and that's me God created us in its image and thus this is how it is with me I love and i want to be loved.

 

My son today told me his birthday is in 6 days I said yeah I know he asked if I will be there and I said no, he asked why I said that's how it is now, this is what it means to be divorced, he said that's sad, I said yes it is sad, he said this will be the 1st birthday ive had without you there, I said I know, and it is sad this is one of the reasons why I find it hard to stay positive . Oh geez ive been separated form my babies and will never ever see them on their birthdays again, wow isn't life just so grand!! I think its time to play hopscotch, or skip some rope!

 

Take a good look at my face, You'll see my smile looks out of place, if you look closer its easy to trace the tracks of my tears da do do do do dooooo

Edited May 9, 2013 by portableversion

[Alban]

with full respect to you dont take this badly, but your ex wife is a very bad person who will get what she deserves, you shouldn't ever take her again and be nice to her, she's a bitch, and thats how the f*ck you are going to treat her, the only thing that you should worry are your sons, but dont ever get miserable and let her play with you, by your description i saw a careful, lovely father and husband, and a woman who never appreciated or respected that man.

I wish you and your kids all the best.

[portableversion]

ah alban I did do things which pushed her boundaries I got drunk and yelled at her for not giving me the sex I wanted and the kids overheard it. our problems were complex and its taken me much time to unwind them though its too late I found solutions but it took several months, geez the papers were filed even before I found my place, she was just done and that's all there is

 

I tried my best and dropped the ball on my side on various levels sure she dropped the ball too but since she was completely unwilling to look at herself in the mirror to go into those scary dark places of inner self .........its all done and over and im in the grieving process.

 

I cant be mean to her its just best to avoid her until oneday ill look at her and not even care, how long will that take, who knows it cold take a considerable amount of time, I swore my life to this lady and with this divorce the casualties have been extremely high and the resources are low.

 

This was my personal Stalingrad, all that's left now are mountains of dead bodies, hordes of weeping mothers and a city laid to waste, well Stalingrad was eventually rebuilt it just took a long time and im sure it was a different place after that. Though I had read somewhere the Russians never buried the germans and decades later famers were still churning up jaw bones and god knows what else in the fields

Edited May 9, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

Boss man called me today and said a storm is on the way so no work today. I was sitting here all alone with nothing to do ,I suppose I could do the dishes but forget that. I was starting to feel tinges of anger and hate and thought hey I can make morning mass, I went and I feel better, who knows how long that will last.

 

I started thinking about how she brought the older son over here yesterday she asked me how I liked my job and I told her I liked it. In hindsight I think that was too much she betrayed me and is shagging some other guy, it should be about the kids anything in my life is none of her business. SHe destroyed my life, IM in such a precarious position, from this divorce its not even funny, she doesn't deserve to know anything about me she just needs to focus on blowing her new man she needs to piss off. ****ing traitor.

 

I need to be more prepared and rehearse my response to her this has nothing to do with the kids. She wants to have sex with other man forget her I don't owe her anything, she was supposed to have sex with me. The fact I just don't yell at her call her a ****ing traitorous slut whore to her face and call the cops on her is plenty generous enough that's her new gift from me, a polite professional conversation about the kids without name calling

 

Women have gotten more power in this world but they will never have a monopoly on love, they need to realize who they are dealing with, men need sex and if they don't like it they should just not bother

 

don't ask me anything of my life if you really cared you would've put more effort to save the sacred relationship where we made a promise with god to stay together for ever ****ing slut whore bitch cunt destroyed my life.Trying to rebuild at 38 yrs old after being together for 17 yrs is proving to be extremely difficult. IM ****ing ruined. Her new relationship is a sin and its a crime against god its adultery and will be forever anyone I end up being with will be considered adultery too but the onus is on her it will be placed on her, the blood from spiritual rape is on her hands.

 

Oh well the comfort of the promises of church we are going to die (thank god) and leave this place and all the cruelty behind and live in heaven, cant wait this bs is too much.

 

God help me not be angry come to me and help me.

Edited May 9, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

I found myself getting into a dark place just sitting here, decided to goto the noon meeting. IM glad I did and found a solution, well I know the solution but it was good to hear it again and really ive got no other options.

 

Pray more and longer, God let me do your will not mine, I have to say it over and over and over again, your will not mine, help me not be angry direct my thoughts to what you would have me think, im being consumed with anger and hatred,

 

 

perhaps I need to go see the priest as well and tell him about it too.

 

If saying this stuff once does not do it say it again over and over and over again.

 

Cant wait to start on the house next week its gonna be brutal which is just what I need, mixing mortar and hauling bricks all day is so good. It will be the house built from anger and rage, ill say my prayers to my self over and over and over it will be all I think about, no thinking of her just contemplating god finally,

 

one day I will be fully healed from these catastrophic wounds, either way the anger does not leave me feeling so hollowed out as the sadness did its much better but still its not good

[portableversion]

Great mighty God wont this cup pass from me, must I drink this? Oh well your will not mine

 

Ah prayed meditated, reread some more of the literature, the challenge is set before me must be kind considerate and loving, tolerant and accepting towards all, and that includes the ex wife, and must be of service to God and our fellows which includes the ex wife which is where my kids live most of the time.

 

Aaarrggghh im supposed to forget myself and what I think is right or wrong and just be a good person towards all .. IM a sinful/defective person and cant think of what is right or wrong on my own. If I did know on my own I never would've turned to pot and alcohol as a coping mechanism

 

perhaps it wont make any difference she seems to have finally backed off from me now anyway, and has limited conversations to the kids for the most part but for real the cup has been passed to me if she wants help or needs someone to talk to it appears it is something I should do. The message from meditation is the same, its consistent. OK over and over again your will not mine your will not mine your will not mine your will not mine, please remove from me my defects of character which get in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows , that's all I need to worry about, its all gonna be ok

 

OMg this is so hard, I have to put down the jealousy, pride and anger, and try to provide what ever she asks of me to the best of my ability. I do this and God has got my back, not sure what I will get from it probably nothing but a headache but as many in aa say if you follow the path of the higher power good things will happen but don't worry about that. It makes no difference we are divorced and she shag some guy, I guess in some ways it is honoring the vows during the darkest times, I did say id be there forever, though the kids are sure glueing it together on this

 

If im lucky some lady will discover me.... hey your so good to your ex even though she shag her old co-worker that so sweet, you're a strong man and is willing to do whatever to make sure she is happy so she can have her act together for your kids.. lets get together I want to have your baby....... Now that would be a treat.

 

I better go to another meeting and hit church in the morning.

[portableversion]

Boss man said it was to wet to go to work today.

 

took a nap and had 2 separate dreams of her. One was I think we got back together, I was at my moms house and she showed up along with other members of her family, she had her mom and grandma, her grandma wanted to give me a hug and I had missed seeing her, I was so happy she wanted to hug me I gave her a big hug and I started crying, while hugging her.

 

The 2nd one was we were not together but I had to goto a mall, I think I had dreamt of this place before it seemed so familiar but im sure in reality it does not exist but I had to goto this place and once there I was filled with memories cause the last time I was there was with her.

 

I was in a walk way that was just a connection to another wing of the mall and it had no stores just a slight hill going down with decorative tiles on both sides and then plants on the outer margins. It was lit by big skylights on a ceiling that was pretty high up. In the dream I had recalled that the last time I was there was with her and our little son in the stroller so in the dream I had a flash back of her pushing the little guy in the stroller on this walk way. I became overcome with sadness with missing her and I could no longer walk I had to sit down off to the side and on the floor and I put my head on my knees and started crying profusely in my dream.

 

Yeah I woke up and my face was wet. Omg these are picking up it seems. sigh

 

I went to church today, priest read from the bible and said what ever is asked from jesus in Jesus' name shall be granted, So to my self I said Lord Jesus come to me and my ex-wife, heal us and restore us into a more loving, committed, intimate relationship better than what it was before, its in your name Jesus I ask this amen.

 

**** I am gonna love this woman forever I knew what I was doing when I said those vows, I still do love her very much and I obviously terribly miss sharing life with her

Edited May 10, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

ah **** another dream last night.

 

It was a dream we got back together or had never left, nothing much happened in the dream we were just hanging out at the house all of us together as a family, me her and our 2 sons. I woke up early and saw immediately I was here all alone, my phone was ringing, my aa sponsor was calling me, I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

 

Funny he called in the program many have recurring dreams of getting high or getting drunk, its the subconscious reliving and old way of life everyone say they eventually stop and then they are complete in their new life, perhaps this is happening to me, its the last of the energy of my old life, and here one of these days that too will pass and it will be just a hazy foggy acknowledgement that at one point of time I was a family man. A part of my life where I look back and don't even really fully remember who that person was.

[portableversion]

well today is my 1st mothers day where I was not getting a gift for the mother of my kids, really odd for sure. oh so sad this sucks.....this is wrong

Edited May 12, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

im not feeling so good, I miss my family all together.

 

well at least its just a generalized blah sad kinda feeling Im sure im not going to cry.

 

This loneliness is not good for me, wish I could give every body a hug but it aint happening. im just not happy or content at all. I ****ing hate this.

[portableversion]

well at least it seems its going to be busy at work this week, doing stone work tomorrow, I hope to hell its gonna be physically brutal I really need to get my butt kicked.

 

At least I finally got a job ive wanted for a long time, the pay stinks right now but every body assures me that if I hang in there ill be making some real good money some day.

 

I still really want to hug my boys....**** I want to hug my ex

Edited May 13, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

yeah it would be nice to see her too and give her a hug, but shes done with me, oh my broken heart

[portableversion]

had a great day at work me and this guy are really hitting it off. Had some good conversations, we got talking about relationships and he was going on about how much he loves his wife of 33 yrs and how good they are together,

 

so I ended up sharing a few of my own stories and stuff, and at one point he told me , he said I don't want to be rude but you got no self confidence and low self esteem , he said by god im gonna get you fixed up im gonna help turn you in to the cocky mother ****er you need to be.

 

I was touched for sure we discussed some heavy things for sure, he asked me how was it I got this way, I said I dint really know ive always been just me, and yeah ive never ever had much confidence and really it seems my life in general has just been a series of various kinds of ass beatings for me literally and metaphorically

 

then later on after work I had a flash back of old sensations from years and years ago, very powerful sensations that I really felt life here was odd and strange and that truly I don't belong here. remembering these old sensations was almost like a long over due visit back home. It was comforting for sure, I am rediscovering myself, im feeling better today

[portableversion]

well survived another 1st. Today was my older sons birthday and no I was not present, I called him and wished him happy birthday. And since my finances are so ****ty I am not getting him anything either. I really don't know if I have enough money to make it to the weekend. Id better get paid again this weekend, I get them this weekend and ill need to buy groceries.

 

BUt yeah today was rough I had all kinds of memories of the big guy and thought of all the changes thru the years never ever did I imagine id be away from him on his birthday and never did I think id be in such financial straights as to not be able to get him a gift.

 

I remembered when he was a baby and how I just loved to hold and hug and squeeze, today was not easy.

 

Went to single and parenting and an aa meeting, got more reinforcement which is exactly what I needed to help me with this new kind of life which is extremely difficult to enjoy.

 

I got no choice but to pray my ass off, its either that or kill myself, this misery came at me and hit me with a vengeance today.

 

I made it and I survived, ill get them after work tomorrow I cant wait. I miss them so much .... Gotta pray and pray and pray some more there is nothing else that can handle this misery, there is not enough pot and alcohol in the world to remove this pain.

 

It worked I do feel better, though I can safely say this way of living is wrong, oh well its out of my control nothing I can do about it other than pray or kill myself.

 

Got good info at single and parenting discussing emotional rollercoaster and conflict with ex spouse...good info todays discussing was hard hitting

 

 

Ahhh more prayers its my only hope it is a miracle im alive today death would be so much easier than this, and to go thru this and keep trying to do what I got to do is just amazing. I cant believe ive survived thru this.. Never ever have I been hurt and tormented so bad, the pain has been excruciating and long term.........chronic misery

 

I came close to crying after I got off the phone with my older son, but I did not, I am so battered and beaten from this, on a spiritual level I fell like rocky balboa in that one movie where he yells out adrien and hes all ****ed up looking, man life has just whopped on me and its never stops

Edited May 15, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

well I guess I got trapped in the fallacy of limiting my options, I will do the prayers but the other option besides suicide is to really take continual diligent stock of how my selfishness got in the way and contributed to the death of my role in the family, and how these personal traits can create problems in other areas.

 

Problem is the self does not go away and one can only be aware of how it operates within oneself and keep an eye open for the classic mistakes i am subject to make.

 

No sense at all in just ignoring traits that led me to my own demise, daily actions can treat them, so on an internal level there is a bit of an active suicide I do work on everyday and that's to kill the part of myself which made these mistakes. I have to do this from the deep profound, sublime love for my ex and the value I placed on my marriage and family I have to be aware and on guard of the ego. Why would I want to stay the same? Why would I want to hold onto these things with out at least challenging them?

 

The tendency to make these errors will always be there but with the continual effort change will come around and ill be much less likely to commit these crimes again in the future or if they are committed a hasty apology can be discovered and made, and reparations can be made.

 

My physical self will be here but ill be able to add to life instead of just taking, im not being overly hard on my self im am not unique at all, except that I have the tools to fight this crap everyday and file off the rough edges.

 

My faults are as common as sand particles on the beach, everyone has them irregardless if they are an alcoholic or not, its just that by being willing to accept the label as alcoholic I got involved in a program that would really benefit everybody, the 12 steps have the potential to transform this whole ****ing planet and bring to reality the kingdom of heaven here on earth.

 

In all actuality the 12 steps were originally devised to do just that but the early founders found it to be too daunting and since most folks were able to be selfish and avoided major pain and misery from their defect they would not take it seriously and continue to hurt themselves and those around them.. They lacked the motivation to understand how they too create hell on earth, they just blame others and take no responsibility for their contributions.

 

The early founders finally realized that folks who had gotten into trouble with alcohol had more than likely hit a critical point of self inflicted pain and were most receptive to get serious to combat issues which really plague everyone alive on the planet. It was then they decided to focus exclusively on alcoholics, this is the segment of the population who were ready to admit their way was wrong, and really all the defect or sins are just different ways the self manifests in negative ways to create hell on earth,

 

Sol I can apologize to the love of my life and do the best I can to forgive her for her new relationship and divorcing me, and then just move onwards and upwards to hopefully a new and better life.

 

Heard more good things about my new employer and saw his ambition to recreate a new brick and block empire to acquire much wealth, if I stick thru this and survive I should be able to rise with him and maybe oneday become his partner sharing in many profits sourced from the labor of our own hands manifesting new structures out of nothingness.

[portableversion]

had the day off today and went to the noon meeting I saw this one lady who talks to me every so often lately when she sees me shell give me a high 5 and then she wraps her fingers around my hand and hold my hand for a few brief moments. I got to be honest I felt my pulse quicken for sure.

 

Then today she was there I chatted with her a bit and then she had to go somewhere and left she put her hand on my shoulder, it sent shock waves thru me. She was there talking to this other lady who had not been going to meetings for quite sometime she friends with this lady, she invited me and my buddy to have coffee with her and her friend, unfortunately I did not have my wallet and my buddy was broke so I said we are going to pass today but thanks for the invite, we will have to do this later on.

 

Ah that felt good this red head is hot, pure solid read hair and blue eyes. She goes to the meetings a lot ah its almost time for the 8 pm meeting id better go. I am meeting women who like me and want to talk with me and hang out with me, what a rush, now this is living, oh and they don't have boyfriends either so that's a definite plus. NO sense at all in being friends with a lady who has a man, its a complete waste of my time. Be friends with single women so then we can be the ultimate of friends if it all works out.

 

Now this is some concrete stuff I can work with besides the gray area weirdness the ex was trying to pull. Don't try to be my friend when ur shagging someone else you already got your friend rely on them and leave me alone just focus on ur new deal, so I can get mine.

[portableversion]

ah well the red head and other lady were not there tonight, but this other lady I just met at birthday party last weekend really liked what I had to say and she gave me a hug, man shes probably only 25 but shes a cutie, I was surprised she gave me a big hug before she left. Holy cow that felt good to feel her lovely breasts pressed upon me, it was a real good squeeze. She studied theater on college and is in live performances here in town, I wonder if she dances her figure is real nice for sure.

 

Then this other girl came to me and wanted to talk and said she really liked what I had to say. NOw this is a blonde lady and shes really mature in spirit and says things id never hear my ex say whose 37. Problem is this lady is only 16 so shes really a girl, she said bye to me and the wink and smile she gave to me made me pause. .....I will keep it professional with her for sure, no way in hell im even gonna let anything possibly happen there wtf man.

 

IM really starting to wonder that now if gotten away from the odd weirdness of the ex and have been going no contact, he essence over me is fading away and the ladies are sniffing the single loneliness in me, but I do deliver a wonderful positive attitude and make people smile so it seems im getting those ingredients to not be single myself for too much longer.

 

This is nice people are not meant to live alone, we are meant to raise families together. IM sure id still like to find someone who is a bit younger but not too much who does not have kids so I cold regain the old family life style where I come home and get to play dad.

[SmilesnFrowns]

Glad to see you making progress. Sounds like you were in a really toxic marriage. You have been given a second chance to find true happiness and a woman that loves you and is wildly attracted to you. Good luck, and please stop groveling for your wife's attention, her hot and cold behaviour is just an ego thing for her. Pursue what makes you happy, and let karma do the rest. You are paying your dues, seems as though she's yet to pay hers. In time, once you find yourself, she will realize what she has lost, as opposed to her having someone to feel superior to.

[portableversion]

Glad to see you making progress. Sounds like you were in a really toxic marriage. You have been given a second chance to find true happiness and a woman that loves you and is wildly attracted to you. Good luck, and please stop groveling for your wife's attention, her hot and cold behaviour is just an ego thing for her. Pursue what makes you happy, and let karma do the rest. You are paying your dues, seems as though she's yet to pay hers. In time, once you find yourself, she will realize what she has lost, as opposed to her having someone to feel superior to.

 

I really backed off calling her last thanksgiving when she went to Alaska, and then it was her calling me, I got to the point I was ignoring her calls, this winter when I was laid off and that was a guarantee shed show up. We did hang out a lot and at one point in later January she had told me that she was done with her old co-worker because of his insecurities and gambling addiction, she had hesitations last summer from his alcoholism which was way more severe than mine aswell, I never ever consumed alcohol the way he did..... its been people in my aa program with stories like his that made me wonder...Am I an alcoholic??...Ill accept the label to get access to the spirituality and the women, and to kill the loneliness and to make friends.

 

At aa there is much to be said for this type of person, it seems like he is perhaps a ticking time bomb, and with the gambling addiction too, yeah hes like the people I run into at the meetings but he never did step work. If they ever get married and weird **** happens at the house I wont even hesitate to go over there and rip him apart form limb to limb, really ill just call the cops and dcfs. Either he better not get smartt with me my new brick layer job is pretty intense stuff

 

shes the one who got pushy in wanting to be friends I told her several times I don't think so you wanted this divorce ur shagging this guy its time for me to disappear into the fog and mist.

 

After late January she had also told me a few times I reminded her of the man she got married to and thought of reconciliation.

 

I thought great we can try this dating thing like she promised before her boyfriend helped convince her divorce was the way to go.

 

NOw then I didn't mind calling her and stuff but after a month about she told me the reconcile talk was just something she said and didn't mean it and she was going to Alaska again in april.

 

I got mad and raised my voice she had the audacity to say to me oh ur sounding like my crack head clients get out, I said im sorry I yelled but you are hurting me emotionally and spiritually I said you re causing me so much damage, I want out family back together ive done every thing to address every concern you had with me, she said leave now. I said how could you go back on your word like that I put so much meaning and hope on that and its just lies you lie to me and hurt me SHe told me you are not watching the little guy today either until you chill out ur unstable and I don't trust you with our kids. SO I left she came by 15 min later with little guy, she said I forgive you for your outburst, I said it makes no difference your words lack meaning and substance and you are a liar.

 

She still try to visit , I really had to get a but firm and aggressive like the week before she left for the trip I had to say im not your ****ing friend you didn't want to work this stuff out and you have a man its time to move on. Post alaska trip she did stop by a few times but lately she has not, and good. She dealt so much pain and misery to me, I tried and tried and tried to give her love and whatever she wanted, I think anymore you'd have to make tons and tons of money for her she seems very materialistic, I read books I researched I was never ever gonna give up on our marriage, and now I do really believe that aa had such good medicine for relationships, folks should go and work the step even if they never drank a drop in their life, the 12 steps has origins in church history, to complicated to discuss here, and im not all that well versed in it the origins of the 12 steps but its has notions going back to the 1700's

 

This was how it was in the end of our marriage, her law job made her hypersensitive, cruel, inconsiderate she'd do things which made me feel like **** and hurt my feelings, if I got mad and tried to talk about it shed say oh ur like my crackhead alcoholic clients I aint talking to you. My only option was to stay quiet and absorb her neglect and abuse, saying anything about it brought about a new round of personal attacks. Sure I had gotten drunk a few times and yelled at her in front of the kids but I don't know ive talked to folk in the program and theyd tell me bro shut up ur story makes me wanna drink, no way in hell is that a good way to live, I hate to say it bro but ur ex sounds like a complete psychopath.

 

My divorce counselors don't like her actually most of the people I know don't care for her including my mom and step dad, they have told me to stay away from her the told me she never ever treated me properly even before we were married and this is my chance to find a much better person. Long time friends I knew for years said ah youll find someone better there is something wrong with her she seems to have a hard time being happy which is insane she has everything a person could want.

 

Its none of my business but she is spiritually bankrupt, I was spiritually bankrupt too but no more. EIther way this stink real bad I was willing to forgive her and was willing to work to find solutions or I was willing to suffer, I said till death do us part and I meant it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

you cant help who you love, underneath her unhealthy psychosis I could see and feel the nice person hiding underneath, but yeah ive been seeing and learning that really the whole relationship was toxic I found my old journal and I found things in there I had long forgotten about, lol she was threatening to divorce me 1 year after w got married.

 

groveling for her attention not hardly, oh well it makes no difference, I have my challenge to be kind and considerate to everyone, am I going to call her more than likely no, and I have no reason she has her boyfriend but if she needs help with something ill try my best and I wont call her names.

 

I really do hope to find a woman who is really nice and has good spirituality and is filled with love as opposed to anger and hate, she has so much anger in her and I don't know why. either way if by chance her and mr Alaska end and she cant stand being alone and wants to try to work things out I will not hesitate, I have an obligation to do so, well unless of course im hot and heavy n a new relationship then that would be a complicated thing to del with but I dont see it happening I dont think she ever loved me very much at all, personally I think she regretted marrying me and from the beginning and is probably really happy to finally be out of it..........sigh man she broke my heart so bad im lucky to be alive

 

we both had issues that are complicated both of us destroyed this thing, the difference is that I actually went on a path to change and grow and be a better person and learn how this thing dies, and to hopefully find a way back together. her on the other hand filed for divorce and got involved with other man, shes done nothing to change to make sure she don't ever repeat her bad behavior she don't care its all my fault

 

In all actuality if she were to want to get serious about working things out shed need to go to al anon, it takes people thru the 12 steps in a way where they don't have to admit they are an alcoholic but its basically the same 12 steps, its the classic version that is meant to transform the world but it is couched in talk of people who had alcoholic spouses and family members, you get a sponsor and they take you thru the 12 steps, I really don't think shed have the courage or humility or the love to do it. The 12 steps are hard and probe the inner self in ways wed like to think therapy does. The 12 steps are hard hitting and force a person to really look them selves hard in the mirror, many cave and run away from it, but I did it.........................I love my ex wife and am willing to try my best to forgive and I miss her a lot, but shes done with me I need to keep my eyes open for new opportunities, I am man of love and passion.

Edited May 17, 2013 by portableversion

[portableversion]

also on another note, I knew we had problems and just cold not find a solution, so I did rely heavily on weed and when not readily available I turned to booze which just killed it.

 

BUt I do know that I had many days of misery where I was just not getting what I needed from the marriage, but the misery from the divorce has by far exceeded the misery she dealt to me, having the family busted up led me to cry so much, I had no idea a person could cry so much, wow I really cried and cried a lot... I know it was not perfect but I did have aspects of unconditional love for her. Her neglecting me or being frigid in the bedroom and her repeated insults, or her talking to me like how her mother gets did not hurt nearly as bad as getting divorced, I was so willing to have a forgiving spirit

 

oh well all I can do is keep an eye open for my garbage, she herself has much anger pride arrogance, disrespect and intolerance, and inconsiderance and id wager fear as well. If I never drank id be there now enduring all this stuff, im sure shed be searching to have an affair any way.This whole thing was just a lose-lose situation. I still pray god can come to us help us sort out all this garbage and grow and develop into much better human beings and rebuild this family, but in the meantime , im not gonna say no to an attractive woman who wants to get to know me better and who is single and wants to be friends that could evolve into something more.

[portableversion]

well I worked 7 hours today, but I got paid today too, the boss man loaded up his wallet and handed out cash to us, no receipts nothing just cold hard cash.

 

I was happy to get off work at a decent time I immediately went to go pick up the little guy. I was so happy to see him, I really hate we have to live like this. when I got back to my tiny apartment I put on pbs kids, I enjoyed it so much but then it hit me the sadness of living like this I almost cried as I went to use the bathroom. It really got me this way of living is just so wrong and I detest it so badly

 

went to another chat place I visit and this other member was talking of this over the counter supplement and how it fought her depression. Bottle is only 15 dollars at walmart, I have concluded im gonna try it. I am so sick and tired of getting these ****ty feelings it has taken such a toll on me. I read some reviews and it does appear to have some health risks but **** it. I feel resigned and crushed this spiritual rape has brought me to my knees, I am defeated I am fallen.

 

ANd why not why do I have to be depressed all the time while shes out enjoying her life and happy to have me gone, why do I have to endure chronic ****ty feelings, its not worth it and especially over her, she don't care about me at all it makes no sense to be upset over it anymore but I am upset over it and greatly so.... thus I have concluded its time to wage chemical warfare against my spiritual rape

 

listening to the lady talk of how fast acting it is plus the reviews really convinced me. I still have been getting the blues and just not caring about much of anything. everything in my life has completely fallen apart, my living conditions my finances, my overall attitude has been so lousy for so long ive got to try it ...................im so tired of these tears

[portableversion]

ok day one of chemical warfare against my grief, I mean really I am doing better but its not good enough for me. I hate being lonely, I hate not seeing my kids everyday and I hate that the love of my life really does not care for me any more and these issues keep coming at me and hitting me.

 

Perhaps these pills will offer relief , ill no longer care my role as a father has been destroyed, my love hates me, my finances are ruined, no more travel no more restaurants, no more new clothes unless my mom hooks me up, my new friends a strange group of folks with huge alcohol and substance abuse problems that mirror the guy who replaced me.

 

loneliness and poverty will offer just what I need, and ill smile and say life is perfect

 

go pills!! go!!! down the hatch!!

 

did some research many said these worked wonders in a short amount of time, though it seems there had been contamination issues causing blood disorders. Hopefully walgreens got their act together and have good suppliers but for real a blood disorder will be tiddly winks compared to the devastating losses I encountered which set me back years.

 

I wonder how one knows if they have a blood disorder, perhaps its check out time.......bye bye cruel world. For real what am I going to do if I get a blood disorder?

 

IM sure the doctors wont accept lip sinking songs and cards tricks, and pocket lint, ill just laugh at death and thank god its almost over, im coming home, sounds like a win win situation now either chemicals will erase my sadness or ill get sick and die, sound good to me **** it

 

knowing my luck the pills wont work and I wont get sick, ill just have to trudge thru this