im so messed up

May 19, 2013

I took my boys yesterday to a cookout put together by another aa member.

I found a seat and sat by a married couple where aa had saved their marriage. We got talking about jobs and the guys wife told me she was a nurse and her son is pursuing a nursing degree at local university. I said I had considered it because I heard the money was good she assured me it was and its a great field to get into and the money it great. Wont get filthy rich but there are no worries and the benefits are great.

She also told me is since im a guy I really should consider it because they are looking to get more men into the profession because 98% of the nurses are women!! She said to do this they are wiling to pay men more and they are offered promotions easier. Her husband and I thought that was bs but she said in all her years this has been her experience. She said talk to my son about his experience, also too you will be able to find a job anywhere once you get the degree.

Talked to the son I asked about the women and job opportunities he said he felt like a fox in a chicken coop he said all his classes he was the only guy with maybe 2-3 other guys!!. He said that most of the women were hot as hell and very health conscious, he said from what he understood the job demand is screaming too and yeah the pay will be nice and since I already have a degree it would not take me as long to get the nursing degree.

HMMMMM, time for more research, pursue a degree surrounded by women, get a fat ass paycheck sounds like the perfect recipe to find the next wife, or hell perhaps once I get bank the x will look at me differently and not view me as a looser and be more interested in me. Ill be sober as **** with a strong spirituality for unconditional love, big pay and excellent health benefits. Just the things a woman wants which id be more than happy to share.

If I cold offer health vision and dental plus mondo cash for the x perhaps she would take me back. My Franciscan brother assured me student loans are not a problem he had a masters and went back for another bachelors degree and had no problem getting student loans, heck he said he has 6 degrees!!!!!! I have got to look into this, plus I think it would make my sons proud its a noble job and I could give them nice things.... better not get my hopes too high usually stuff don't work out for me

May 19, 2013

if I had a lover on the sidelines who wanted me for themself ,and was encouraging me to get divorced, and said they loved me, and said naughty sexual things to me, and gave me the sex how I wanted it when I wanted it, and said they wanted to get married and take care of me, and that they loved me, and if my standard of living hadn't fallen off the cliff, and if my schedule with the kids had not changed all that much as opposed to loosing absolutely everything except my physical health.

for some folks a divorce is a stroll on the park for others its a living nightmare.

I bet I would not have been so stressed out if I had bailed out years ago and took up with some of those women I met thru the years, there is no justice in this world. instead I was steadfast in loyalty and now it me that lost everything. no money no kids, no lover, all alone me and lady poverty and my aa and Franciscan people..

**** that im a family man who took vows until death be parted throwing n the towel was never an option in my tool kit. its the way of the microwave, scratch off, drive through window society my love my vows were more profound and sublime than that bs.

the damage on my side of the aisle is going to be exponentially more severe, easy to talk smack when the other person hasn't lost much of anything at all.... let them eat cake right? easy for the queen to tell the peasant to live off cake when she had no understanding of what it is to live off cake............God help me is there justice for me or is it truly not here? Where is my revolution? where are my reparations, where is my new glorious rebublic? NOt here at least for today, for me im just a resident of **** city................I never would've left you never ever, just like that movie with robin Williams "what dreams may come" that was me id goto hell and not look back, was my love real, sublime, fake, or just stupid.....you know I loved you so much, sorry I could not find a solution

Edited May 19, 2013 by portableversion

May 20, 2013

but it was complicated and took time, but when the papers are filed when out of the house for less than a month, and then actually divorced within 90 days roughly really nothing left to do.

Ah may as well continue onwards; the meeting tonight was heavy and hard hitting, discussion was how not keeping promises if a form of dishonesty, also discussed procrastination, discussed things that out of our control, discussed self deception, very interesting conversations indeed, Yeah cant worry about what other people do just gotta focus on what I do and make sure I try my best to not hurt others and myself,...... daily assessments continue. Took another pill don't know if thy are working or not, I know im not feeling upset now at all, feeling hopeful and excited of the future, this idea of nursing has really taken off in my head. It gives me something exciting to explore.

May 20, 2013

I got a song from church stuck in my head, it really touched me. im so emotional these days I just thought it was so beautiful and full of meaning and hope

the chorus .... I'll raise you up on eagles wings, fill you up with the breath of god, lighting you up like the sun, and hold you in the palm of my hand

made me think yeah ive done mistakes ive been thru hell but yet heres the unconditional love we should all aspire towards ....despite all the crap in my life an all the pain misery and loss I shine like the sun. I do still shine, I have much warmth I am a good person who is trying like hell to be even better. I have survived someway somehow, I didn't kill myself. I am beautiful I am wonderful and even though no one is here to talk to me now, I am loved and I can share it with someone someday. The pain from this divorce has been so great I have reached out to God and he/she has saved me and here with me, im sorry God left you I didn't mean to hurt you, thank you for giving me the healing I needed so badly, its time for a new better relationship than before, more loving and committed and intimate than it was before.

the song was so touching I really needed to hear it, a tear ran down my face it was lovely. im so accustomed at crying now it's no longer a thing at all

pretty lady, Im sorry i hurt you too, its over now........... no more from me

Edited May 20, 2013 by portableversion

May 20, 2013

better go to sleep gonna be busy tomorrow, hopefully we wont have any bad storms tomorrow got a severe system moving thru good night

May 21, 2013

oh well at least work was fun I was just recalling the absurdity when she accused me of kidnapping the kids. ANy more I think it was her lawyer bf who spoon fed her hysteria and paranoia. he wanted her for himself and was running interference....oh well time for another pill

Edited May 21, 2013 by portableversion

May 22, 2013

Hold up!! One thing I gotta say as I only read the last page, please don't change who you are because of this one person. Continue to stay loyal, by all means, when the right woman comes your way, she might just appreciate the loyalty, your time and effort, the money spent, the sex, and the love more than your ex wife did.

Believe me when I say this, you are not alone. It might just feels like the end of the world, but your children needs you. Whether there with you for one day, one hour, you gotta stay strong for them. Remember, they came into this world becahse of the both of you. Owe it to them to be the best damn daddy they have no matter what the circumstances is.

And back to you, this is time to take care of yourself. While you might just have the extra time, focus on you to make yourself better than you were yesterday. Telling the cashier at the store or gas station to "Have a nice day", you would be surprise the positive energy of a response and a smile could do for you; even for that one moment. Take this time to focus on your health, go and research for a new career look into that nursing field and see about going back to school for it. Take a moment by taking a walk around the park or go to a local coffee shop and bring a newspaper with you. Enjoy your life while you are living and make the best out of it each second, every minute, and every hour of your life. Youtube or research for motivational speakers and write down their quotes/point of views and try to apply that towards your life. It helps me alot as I am hurting from a recent breakup myself. I was cheated on and left for other woman. I know the pain, as my story might not be as tragic as I don't have children, but pain is pain regardless. We both need to find that self motivation to get us by day by day. Only concentrate on what is happening NOW. Not yesterday, not last week or last month, but NOW. When yoy think of your emotions NOW, find that inner strength to get you thru the moment. If you're religious, I would suggest to pray amd ask for guidance.

Please just do this for yourself and don't give up hope. There is somebody out there for you. I know there is someone out there who are looking for a loyal man like yourself who just wants to be treated back the same. Work on you and get yourself back to first place.

Stay focus!

June 1, 2013

huh had an interesting conversation with the ex last week. After thinking about it for a few days I think she must be confused. Well I don't understand her anyway and what she says confuses me.

We got talking about how we went bad and for me the crappy sex life was definitely the crucial factor, there was no way I could be happy going month after month without sex, and then too, her being so selfish about it. I would do anything she wanted, shed tell me shed give back to me what I liked but would only do that for a brief short while or she say shed do it and then not do it. I even reminded her that I never said no when she asked me to go down on her when she was menstruating but when i wanted her to swallow for me....hell no , i became a pig who was wallowing in the gutter, a sub human ruled by base desires, never mind i really believe it to be very spiritual show of love and acceptance and very beautiful.

BUt she did say I cant believe sex ruined our marriage , I said its the glue that keeps couples together and makes it more special than just hanging with the bros playing play station or whatever.

SHe said she stopped loving me because I got agro and ended up lashing out over this stuff.

But me I say she stopped loving me cause she was more interested n having sex with other men.

As far as I can tell she had no interest in having sex with me anymore so I had felt that she didn't love me and had not for the last several years. Since about 2002.

Enter the new man and she wants to have sex with him and she told me she loves him, why cant she see the relationship between love and sex? For me it makes since in this way and I see it in her behavior but she denies it works that way. Dang before we were divorced she wanted to have sex with her ,what I consider to be, a freaky possible pedophile bf.

Either way I feel my suspicions to be proven to be very true here, she had no interest in having sex with me and did not love me any more. She said it was only in the last 3 years that she fell out of love with me but due to her lies I was finally convinced her words are meaningless and her behavior has to be observed, really her words need to be completely ignored for the most part, and thus I can easily see and really felt that her behavior had a consistent pattern for many years well beyond the 3 she speaks of. I have to look at the past 10 yrs of behavior and I saw nothing different at all. Her behavior form 2002 to 2012 was very much the same, insult me for my jobs and deny me sex.

The only thing that changed was me I finally got to the point I could no longer take it and I pushed back aggressively during those last 3 years, really I was so desperate I had no choice, my back was up against the wall I had enough. Did I do it properly hell no I didn't, I vented while drunk but I did say many truthful things. That was the only change was me getting very vocal.

So boom we aint even divorced yet and she was making plans to have sex wit him. Duh she had feelings for him and not me. So I must conclude definitely for us that her not wanting to have sex was definitely an indicator she did not love me and had not for the past 10 yrs or more. SHe wanted to have sex with him and has spent several thousands of dollars on plane tickets and hotels and stuff to have sex with him and she told me last month she loves him. Yet she denies this connection?

SHe said she is not with him for the sex, I guess I can agree to a certain point but ill say well you wanting to have sex with him proves you love him and then too her not wanting to have sex with me proves she had not loved me for at least 10 yrs maybe even more. So in spite the fact she say she stopped loving me in the last 3 years I know for a fact I have the evidence that no , it truly is the case she stopped loving me back in 2002 or hell even 2000. I guess im left with a question is she just lying to me about this or perhaps she is confused herself. I can see it no other way and her behavior speaks volumes of meaning that her words lack.

I had told her at one point our marriage was dead years ago and her behavior then and now proves it to me. If a lady loves you she wants to be intimate with you, if she don't want to be intimate its time to see if it can be rekindled or move on.

Well easier said than done having my family broken apart has hurt so bad and now i fear that shell bring homosexual pedophiles around. Her bf posted weird **** of playing with gi joes in bed he got when he was 10 yrs old, wtf who plays with child hood toys in bed at age 30? ANd she told me hes cool with being in a relationship and only having sex once every 2-3 months...... red flag this is precisely why i don't do long distance stuff.

For me i hate being single and i sorely miss getting regular blow jobs and sex.

Oh well filled out application for student aid looks like im accepted, hope this all works out, ill be back in college in a few months surrounded by women, its just a matter of time before this devastating drought ends and the rains come to bring me back to life. I had said so many prayers to God on this hoping she would come around but it seems that God will deliver me a new woman who believes in the beautiful spirituality sex and blowjobs bring and finds it beautiful like i do as opposed to some disgusting act. You ask and you shall receive but it happens on God's time, i really feel the great supreme creator has been listening to me and has guided me to this point.

Hah Ive ran into more women as of late who don't mind that stuff at all, too bad they are married or have boyfriends but i can see why.

Edited June 1, 2013 by portableversion

June 1, 2013

one thing really cool about last weeks conversation, i really did see how i was not being true to myself at all and how i really for some stupid reason tolerated a situation that was unacceptable for a very long time. I really could see that we are and have been 2 very different people.

I was not true to myself at all and was not working hard enough to get a better match for me. I heard the things she said and it was much the same as she had always said thru the years, though now i can safely say i wont ever be with a lady who says those things ever again, but then too i still feel there are inconsistencies in what she had said. I do think she unrealistic or confused or well perhaps lying.

Either way last sundays conversation proved to me yeah man this lady aint for you and never was sure we had many good times but it was still a mismatch. Ill eventually get me a good job an dill meet the next future wife who loves sex and blowjobs and loves to travel, hang out, watch movies, go to grocery store together and talk the night away, and try different ethnic foods and try new kinds of music. Ill find her and it will be so much better.

It was good for me i really had a good positive feeling about the divorce, i told her u just need man who has a lower drive and is ok going months on end with out it and she said her bf is that man i said good you'll be more happy then, not me lady its how i feel connected and i believe its perfectly ok, its who i am and i love myself and i deserve what i like. I really felt a sense of closure. It still gets me a bit anxious now from time to time living away from the boys but this is the way it needs to be. Ill have a family again someday, i still hope to meet a lady whose ran into commitment phobes and never had kids i do want to restart family life its so rewarding and wholesome.

Edited June 1, 2013 by portableversion

July 9, 2013

oh man what a day, got rained out from work and called the house to speak with the older son.

Ex answered and wanted to chat she asked me to meet her boyfriend who was in from the army in Alaska , I said well I was thinking about it since you two are serious(like I always maintained) she said yeah we are serious we got married on the 5th.

I said well may as well. I spoke to son a bit and then went back to work I started to cry in my car again. It started to rain, I decided to goto boss's house got lost and found myself at my church I went inside to discuss annulment. he said id have to wait until fall.

wow the divorce papers were filed about june 30th 2012 and now shes remarried. I wonder why she lied to me so much why lead me on all those times. There was something going on behind my back an dthats why our sexlife ws so crappy for the last 10 years or so she was searching for a new man and as soon as she found him I was out.

Even once again 3 weeks ago she told me it was over between them, then I said bull**** you'll make up so when you all getting married she said don't be a dick.

Man I told her 2 years before our divorce she would leave me for this man she lied the whole time. Or else I can read her better than she can herself, and she was totally ingnorant of where she was heading. Shes not that stupid she was just lying to me. Well im free from that now too she can no longer lie to me.

I feel so alone, the irony just kills me said many many times she'd said things like marriage is the man taking ownership of the wife and shes a state sanctioned whore and that relationships and sex are overrated, me I would say no they are good and wonderful, and now here she is she had a relationship lined up well before divorce and gets sex how she likes and wants and me im alone. Me id think how can u suggest whoredom we don't have enough sex.

Shes nuts she'd mention money as a power play in marriage and that's the only reason why woman puts out. Id like her to meet my sponsor and his wife paula, she makes like 400, 000 a year managing 3 factotries for her dad and my sponsor makes about 25,000 a year and they have a very robust sex life and she blows him and swallows and stuff all the time. he told her before they were married I need this if I cant get it from you I am this way and ill cheat he said bro you have to be honest to the ladies about what you need from them and so far we have had great sex now for years she likes it, but if it stops ill leave this mansion I live in and move into the ghetto its who I am I need intimacy and its not worth it no dollar amount is worth a crappy sex life unless u have a low drive.

He cited me for being dishonest to her about my needs and sticking up for myself, I was a coward afraid of being alone. it was pot and alcohol that made it work but they stop working because the power of self comes screaming thru and say stop this I need to be me dang it!!!!!!!!

why did she lie to me like that and lead me on, the cruelty is immense.her abuse of me has reached levels that are indeed sublime she much enjoy torturing me. I always had said oh ur serious about him and shed say no I don't know what to think, or im done we should reconcile.....all lies I wont forget the days when the son refererrd to her as a liar. I even told her her dishonesty is so high the son notices, she came over to shake me down for telling son she and jake have sex. im sure it was not good for a 12 year old boy to hear but I was weak I was sick and tired and angry that once again son was telling me she was a liar. I apologized for my statements to son but I told her you do indeed lie very much and are very dishonest.

thought I had a prospect with this Russian lady but she seems to have stopped calling me. I love relationships and sex and miss it terribly im going to be alone a long time, in hindsight I should have left her years ago and left her for this Hispanic lady that flirted with me but now im surrounded by men or ladies that are too old or too young or just not right. what a frigging hell I feel like my crotch is going to explode to and my heart aches, I miss my boys, my finances are destroyed, I miss my wife. well maybe not she treated me like dirt for years and years on end

Edited July 9, 2013 by portableversion

July 9, 2013

so yeah a few hours after she told me she was married and I had talked to my son, I decided to call her mom. This was because older son had told me lots of people were there at the courthouse like all his cousins and jakes family too, his grandparents his folks and others. It occurred to me plans had to have been made and notices given out. SO I called X's mom and asked when had the plans been made and she said it was well over a month ago there abouts.She said this must be a surprise to you since ur ex was struggling in how to tell you. I said yeah she struggled she told me in fact that it was over between them and that when I said they'd get married she told me to stop being a dick. Her mom said well I don't know anything about that they told us their wedding plans when she got back from Alaska in Arpril. Her mom said well she mustv;e had cold feet and I said simply yeah you're probably right.

I did then mention that was not the 1st time x had led me on and I told her a small snippet of the bs lies she fed me over the winter and that then too she told me it was over and she wanted to work things out and reconcile and how I got hurt real bad when she told me she was going to Alaska again. Her mom said well we don't know anything about that.

She said all that matter is that her daughter is happy and she could tell she gets along real well with her new hubby, afterwards I thought well not much to do about it but for real the true test will be when he comes home. The we shall see how awesome their relationship is.

Makes no dang difference, thats neither here nor there, one thing I do know is that the cruelty she had dispensed to me is immense. I had to call my sponsor to get my **** together. he said man get in your knees and thank god your free from that woman. he said you loved her and those kids more than life itself, he said you sacrificed anything and everything for them and your free now. He said one day youll be so glad to be away from her she aint right at all. He told me to pray for her new hubby. A relationship founded off lying and cheating is not good and there are huge amounts of deception going on here.

it is plainly obvious that an affair was going on who in their right mind would get married so quickly to someone who lives 3000 miles away and they only had lunch together. Well I suppose a sick deranged person could. I also need to pray for my kids to be kept safe, they have not been acting the same since hes been there. Little guy talks funny to me on the phone and big guy seems a bit depressed.

Hopefully she wont damage the boys perhaps her new man is a bit more sane and can put a check on it to help me protect the boys. Anyone who can so blatantly lie is just not healthy and will set bad example. Wow I was married to a horrible person, now im sober I can clearly see the monster I was attached to an di do regret having kids with her. All this time I wanted such a good mom for my kids and now more than ever I have serious doubts, nothing much I can do about it now perhaps one day when u make more money I can do something, folks are predicting the boys will want to be with me more and more as time goes on since im growing as a human being and she seems to be declining, or it appears to be decline since im advancing on a spiritual level.

So sad I learned so much to make us better as a couple and she don't want it. I did all this for her, hoping to get back together in a new and better deal looks like my gifts will goto another woman if im ever lucky enough to meet one.

July 11, 2013

i was just thinking of the conversation I had with x's mom. she told me now is the time I can do what I want..... uh I want to see my boys everyday.

SHe said I may as well meet jake too since hes the step dad she said hes good with the boys........uh once again true test will be when he moves in how can you determine if someone s good with kids with only a few visits he is a stranger to them..

I always had thought she was a bit fruity must be years of having huge amounts of money to spend.. she lives in a world that is a fantasy compared to the rest of us.

SHe had also said x was not happy the last several year I said nothing but agree with her. I really wanted to say hey I was miserable for over 10 years becuae she was so selfish in bedroom, I went down on her when she was ragging I just wanted a regular lay and her to swallow and talk to me and cuddle in bed... I wanted to say also but did not that yeah its just easier to find a new person than it is to make attempt to repair a marriage where vows were made before god.

SHe said u got to just move on and be there for the boys, and may aswell make friends wth jake. I said yeah I do because he will be spending more time with the boys than I do.. She said oh I don't think so......what a crack pot surely she knows I only get them every other weekend and one day a week... god shes stupid. I also told her too yeah got to keep it together for the boys and not give in to my fantasies of blowing my brains out in the tub. She said that was not appropriate to say ........uh it's the truth lady, I did apologize to her but I said well it was hard for me to adjust to this and ive had to call my therapist on this stuff and that ive cried so many times and i cried when I got the news...she at least seemed to have some measure of sympathy for that but she is fruity

oh well the main purpose was to discover the wedding plans and I got the info, plans were in place when she told me she was done with him thats why I called to verify my suspicions..

man im so horny I feel like im gonna explode. good thing boss's son is a player and the boss had sex with tons of women too im picking up good tip on how to get out there and get it done. no more shyness if I think shes good looking and see her somewhere it makes no difference gas station grocery store church, im gonna approach say hey u look nice I want to get to know you lets hang out.. Its a numbers game my passion and loneliness will drive the shyness away.

this has been the most absolute horrible experience of my life I don't know how ive managed to survive this . I know for a fact that despite a crappy one sided sex life and other things I loved my ex more than life itself it made no difference what bad things were going on or how badly she treated me the love was unyielding and there, and probably still is there. .....do what I want.....indeed......... I want to see my boys everyday and rip the clothes off my wife and have regular sex and watch her swallow my sperm, and I want to go down on her and cuddle and drink coffee together and talk about the weather. I hate my life

July 14, 2013

on me if she had told me from the get go that she was in love with another man. Instead she lied and lied and lied some more. Many of the lies were unsolicited but some of them were told to me when I was operating off a hunch and trying to ferret stuff out.

This winter was a huge set back for me to heal on this. later January she told me he was unstable and was a gambling addict ontop of untreated alcoholic, and that she was done with him and thought of reconciliation.

We did indeed hang out a lot and had many nice times I bought her lunch various times at some of our favorite spots and wed spend hours together while the kids were at school. I was so hopeful that this was alone time that me and her so desperately had needed and that indeed we could truly heal and fix our situation, but alas it was just lies.

I'll probably never know why she lied to me so much and if she were to offer an explanation I'd have no way to know if it were the truth in fact it probably wont be the truth.

There must've been something going on behind my back that's the only way this makes since. Folks do not get married to old co-workers when indeed all they had done was eat lunch together a few times or have short visits while during the year and talk on the phone everyday. To so do is the height of impulsive reckless behavior so theres that if she were not lying I have to conclude shes extremely impulsive and reckless. I have not even been divorced a year and have only been out of the house since june 2nd of 2012 after she treated me like garbage all weekend for offering thanx on how she had swallowed my sperm back in 2005.

I do continue to thank God for those moments I find them to be extremely beautiful and ill be always grateful for those times when no clean up was needed because it was all gone. What a powerful emotional impact it had on me I know others don't understand and they dont get meaning from it the way I do but to each their own. I cant help the way I am and i need to accept it and love my self and protect myself

this is portableversion signing out from this latest round of misery and pain, its getting better, I feel liberated she can no longer lie to me on such serious issues. im free but I still miss my family all together, oh well I could never be with her we are just sexually incompatible and now im sober ill never ever tolerate that type of mismatch ever again, it would be be easier to have differing political views or something else, but sex hell no, that had better be lined up, the mismatch on that is just way too torturous.

July 14, 2013

Well as I said in that post I had gotten rained out I was given instructions to go back at 11, boss had checked the radar and felt the system would have moved on by then.

I go back home and call the son , x tells me she got married to her bf /old coworker on the 5th. I talk to son and he tells me all the relatives were there at the courthouse.

Well at 10:45 am I head back to the job site. I was starting to move down hill emotionally. I stated a text conversation of this new information with my old divorce counselor Becky.

On the way there I got hit with a massive crying spell for a few moments to was so hard to drive. As I got closer to the job site the rains came back. I felt like God was crying with me. There I was crying profusely in my car and the storm opened up again and it poured.

I knew we would not be going back to work so I knew I needed someone to talk to real bad. I headed out to my boss's house but missed the turn. I got lost in a part of town I never drive through. I meandered around I saw a street called mason and i thought of my boss and thought im a mason now ill take this street, I was on it for a bit and took a few more turns got caught up on one way streets and did not know which way to go. Then I saw my church I goto at 1st I did not recognize it cause I had approached it from a different direction I never go, as soon as I recognized it I felt a wave of warmth come over me, it was odd how I got there.

That's when I went inside and talked to the priest. He wont let me get an annulment right now, he feels pretty certain my x and her new man wont last very long but who knows either way he said you 2 are still married in the eyes of God and God does not recognize these courthouse weddings that's purely a function of the atheist state, he said he would pray for me. I asked so Father do you think shell ever come back to me so our family will be reunited , he said most likely no but since you have this marriage it's good to wait a bit longer to see. I said ok.

I figure it's pointless to have my soul connected to someone who did not want to lift finger to find the proper channels to fix our marriage, It was easier for her to just chase after other man and throw me under the bus. Her dedication when the going got tough was not there, she had no stamina or endurance or desire to keep our family together. She said **** it cut and run. Makes me said I hear of people who do indeed go through the pain of several sessions and they do make it work but I suppose they actually loved each other, and love is more than just a warm and fuzzy feeling of attraction, it is also action and commitment and she lacked those. I can tell I did not lack those things cause I dove head 1st into the hard work but I did it alone, pretty pointless really. Like I said before it make good use for the next person. If I ever find that person

July 19, 2013

one thing she said and it was not the 1st time she had told me this, was that she was ready to be alone. Really this is a statement which is hard to comprehend. Shes never been alone. She had him before we were divorced she had him and now they are married.

More confusing statements from her ,ready to be alone, whatever. I am the one who is alone she has no idea what being alone is all about. If someone is there telling you they love you and want to spend their life with you and offer you the sex how and when you want and have someone who talks to you everyday you are not alone. Shes never been alone and has no idea what it consists of. They were dirty talking before we were divorced and have never stopped. She is so full of crap. Having someone to discuss and share sex with prevents one from being alone. This is either more lies or she is truly a confused person.

Why do I even bother listening to her its either lies or it just makes no sense probably cause it is lies, lies she knows to be not true and lies she don't realize, lies she believes in.

So sad I invested so much of my life into this person she is really dangerous on a spiritual and emotional level. Here I am truly alone and empty handed trying to get off my feet and rebuild making barely more money than I did 13 years ago. All the investments and sacrifices I made for her were a complete waste and she gifts me with lies and confusing statements.

The less we see each other and talk to each other the better, I gotta rebuild my life and shes not helping it at all.

Next time I goto pick up the kids I need to say special prayers on this for extra protection and guidance. Her presence offers me nothing but confusion and misery, but duh its been like this for years, no reason to expect it to change shes done nothing to change, no hard self examination either. Just self deception which boils over into outward deception.

July 19, 2013

I spoke to some old timers about her blatant lies. One thing told to me was that for those of us in the program that wound up getting spiritually raped was that we met these people when we were using and its no wonder we found women who were such liars. Its a very common symptom of folks in the program that they got married to dishonest people. Just about all of them have the ahha moment after working the steps and staying sober where thy clearly can see they fell in love with people who compulsively lie. Yet another benefit to working the program are the many conversations concerning what the hell honesty is all about thus making us aware to never ever fall for these people again. It took a crazy alcoholic pot smoking mind to get wrapped up with such a person and the penalties have been enormous. Never again will I make such a tragic error. AA is gonna save my butt on so many levels. I will have the life I deserve and be so much more happy for it.

July 23, 2013

the boss told me today, hey you know how I woke up today? I said no how did you get woke up your alarm clock. he said his wife woke him up by sitting on his face and wanting him to eat her out. he got her off 1st thing in the morning. Man ive always wanted to be woken up that way. I had fantasized about that so many times and felt dissatisfied with my ex over that one too.

I keep hearing such stories from him the other day he said hell come home and shell be masturbating and he walks in and she attacks him.

I said bro ive rarely had sex in the morning he thinks im kidding. I told him several times the ex was not into that and would be prone to make fun of me for suggesting it or really give a resounding no. Man this guy and his wife have been together for 35 years hes like almost 60 and has had such a wonderful sex life. He said man I cant believe you, ive never had a woman who was as cold as ur ex wife. he said man she s got you all messed up. ANd he said the other day sex once every 2 weeks is for the birds he said my wife wants it all the time, he said ive been taking Viagra to keep her satisfied.

He told me of this one girl he had dated they drove to texas and she gave him road head 7 times and they pulled over a few times to have sex too. This really made me think my dating experience has been seriously lacking.

He told me how his wife loves to give him road head. I said man ive needed someone like that now for years. He said hang in there youll find someone, he said in his experience all the women he had dated were like that. He tells me I don't know how you survived so long with your ex. I said well even though I was sexually miserable I really did love her.

I really hope to meet someone like his wife... she came to the job site today and they ended up telling dirty things to each other. I thought man my ex was such a prude shed insult me if I did stuff like that omg where is my new woman.

Im free no more insults and put downs. one day ill met someone who is hot for me and will want to ravage my body and me hers.....sigh I wonder when it will happen ive been sexually frustrated for years and years now.

sometimes I do miss my old family life but I really don't miss the piss poor sex life at all it is much better to be away from that for real. Too bad I had kids with her . man she had me convinced i was a pig and women don't want sex like that, more and more I keep getting more data that I was just with the wrong person..........sigh.....

Edited July 23, 2013 by portableversion

July 25, 2013

I read your last post.

Imagine if you were still with that woman, she would probably kick/blame you for posting that. But what you posted, there isnt anything bad at all. Its boyish and sweet and warm, but not bad

Looks like she had you trained to be where it was comfortable for her.

Your needs were not met in this relationship. Fact.

That sounds like a great sex life. Aim for it.

You should be happy, cause you dont have to deal with her anymore.

August 3, 2013

esteem jam any more I am very glad to be away from her. Ive learned a lot that prior to meeting her I had low self esteem. IM not sure how this came about but it was there before I started to drink or smoke pot. And then I finally met her and she did not help it at all. And being with her for 17 years just made it worse. She really punched me down in a hole, over the years.

SHe never ever seemed to respect me I just recall an endless torrent of put downs and other insults and lack of faithfulness, and now in the end a river of lies and deceit. NOw my recovery is not so much about avoiding pot and booze staying away from that has been real easy actually. IM not like a bunch of these folks in the program that had hard core urges to drink and drug so I got lucky there.

Now I enter into a new era where I look at who I am acknowledge it and accept myself and love myself. Now more than ever I am gaining the ability to not take bs from psychopaths like her. I know God loves me for who I am and I have my own set of quirks for a reason, reasons I don't know why but it makes no difference its who I am and I need to protect myself. Even if that means being alone so be it. Never again will I get involved with a woman just because I fear of being alone.

I had a recollection the other day I remembered being a stay at home dad before we got into the huge blow out fight while I was drunk and told her her attitude was as nasty as her big ass and the sex was horrible and she treated me like dirt and I was sick of it. A few months before that one day my older son asked me... daddy mommy is never nice to you why are you with her? and I said I don't know shes been mean to me like that for a very long time now. He said why did you get with mommy I said I don't know perhaps I was afraid to be alone and I didn't think I could find better....Lol he told her what I had said and the nastiness from her just escalated and then the "blowout of 09" as I call it.

Definitely a wake up call, actually the wake up call was present well before we were married, but such is the malady of pot and drinks. I would not black out very often, those events were rare but the buzz offered was just enough to numb the effects of being with someone who was not very loving and kind towards me at all. Never again will I subject myself to such an individual. I have to beware she was not the 1st violent nasty person I dated. My desires for companionship and sex is so powerful I have to be on guard, so as not to sacrifice my values and needs.

Now more than ever I will tap into my spirituality to treat this condition in me to become the person I need to be to avoid such women, to fail in this is to die. She was murdering me all those years... no more. I am healing and growing into something much better, and if these people don't like it well forget them I don't need them or want them around.

Im not going to take that attitude oh I wonder what her hubby has that I don't have to make her happy. Its more the attitude well water sinks to the same level.

The torment is probably not over she's considering moving to Alaska since the economy is better in Anchorage. Me im thinking shes lying to me why would she not try to find jobs in Fairbanks where her next victim is. Anchorage is pretty far from Fairbanks. She probably is looking to find work in Fairbanks, but who knows what goes in in her mind and really who cares I don't anyway. What ever it is its not good for me and it wont get me laid or loved to figure it out.

Of course she is going to want to take the boys but perhaps she don't remember its in our papers that she cannot take the boys more than 150 miles from me. SHe has to get a judge to do that if not Ill call her in for kidnapping. I have sacrificed all I was and everything I had for her, no more. The boys are all I have and they need me around , and I want to see them more often than I do. She offered to pay my way up there but that was probably a lie too to get me to consent. No way im moving, I finally found a job path where eventually ill make real good money and can have my own business. If she is telling the truth(cough) and I move Id have to start all over again at a new line of work.. No way IM staying and so are the boys, unless a judge says its ok.

Its absurd shed have to move she don't need to shes a lawyer she can find all kinds of work around here if her office fails. Son was over here extolling the virtues of moving to Alaska and it was purely her propaganda. There was nothing said that a little boy would know about or think of, I could tell he was being spoon fed her propaganda, which is an agenda which suits her needs at the expense of everyone else.

Im not sure she can identify with other peoples' needs. It not something I recall her doing its either her way or the highway. Well no more cow towing to her. I will exercise my right to challenge her. I may loose in the courts but at least I will have tried. Surrendering to her is not an option anymore it never got me love and sex and good companionship and and it wont now. If by chance she did try to suck and **** to get her goals I would not cave in cause that's a debt im owed anyway.

This is the next round of misery I have to be prepared for. If by chance the courts allow her to take the boys 3000 miles away I would be devastated and I would fear for them.

Older son also told me that she chastised him for saying to his younger brother he loves him, and that he is saying it to much. What a sicko she said he can only say that when younger one goes to bed. OMg shes going to make them ill. I made sure to tell older son well I disagree and over here that is not the rule over here we can say we love each other as much as we want. Its good and in the healthy relationships I see now I witness the people saying this pretty often. My boss says it to his wife every time they talk or go to work or what ever and it goes for his grown boys too. ANd its not just them either.

To combat this new round of illness infecting my boys I got out the bible and read the passage in Corinthians on love. I made sure to emphasize that love is all that matters its the greatest thing and that God has put into place hundred and thousands of ways of saying I love you all day and everyday and that if we pay attention we see this and get a " I love you " over an dover an dover again all through our days.

IN conclusion to get ready for her next assault of lies and manipulations...........St Michael the archangel, defend me in battle. Be my protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him I humbly pray; and do thou o prince of the heavenly host - cast into hell , satan and all evil spirits, who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

And great mighty God I pray that you will come to my ex wife and open up her heart of stone and help her to grow into a much better human being for her sake and for the sake of my children amen.

August 4, 2013

oh **** what a day. I went to church at the end the last song of mass was how great thou art. The choir for the 9 am is on summer break and wont be back until later on, but they had today this older man about 70-80 yrs old lead the songs and a fella home from college playing the piano, it was so lovely.

Im not sure what is going on I could hardly sing the song, I had tears running down my face and when I got to my car I was looking for something to blow my nose on. It seems anymore it does not take much for me to cry it seems I can do it at a drop of a dime.

that song makes me think God knows this world is messed up and its full of people doing bad things to each other. It's so bad that back in the day he sent his only son to come her and to get tortured and die. God surely mustve realized that Joseph and Mary would too suffer greatly from these events, who the heck wants to see their kid get chased from town to town and get tortured and die a horrible death all for speaking of love, forgiveness and tolerance. But it is a reflection of how serious the sickness is that infects our world and the drastic measures God had to take to make preparations for healing and setting the record straight.

But also too I link that story with my broken family. As the song is sung not only do I think of the jesus story but I think of my x and my boys. I thought of how she had her new husband over there sleeping with her in my old bed and how he gets to see my boys more often than I do when he is here and when he comes back from the army. I remembered those days when id come home and the boys would rush to see me the younger one at the time was not so good at walking yet and many times would trip and fall or he want to hug but older son was in the way so it was usually some crying and commotion everytime I came home. Wow they love me so much and i love them so much. This visitation schedule is a nightmare that don't end.

Today is day number 362 of being divorced and she was married already almost a month now tomorrow is her 1 month mark of her new marriage.

I am still reeling and hurting very deeply from this experience she claims all I need to do is find someone new to forget about it she a silly fool, I didn't vow before god to be with this other new person whoever she may turn out to be. The x has very immature notions and does not realize how much I loved her. If she ever says that to me again Ill tell her she needs to be slapped across the face. I suppose it has worked for her but ive slept with a few people and it was no good I just wanted to come home.

How is it one can replace a person they vowed before God they'd love until they died. She surely did not love me nearly as much as I loved her and now she with her new husband and I lost my two sons.

Ive been crying a lot today perhaps its because the 7th is fast approaching. Perhaps IM just sensitive now and still hurt greatly. Ive met others who only get to see their kids once in awhile like me they say you never get used to it and it hurts for years and years on end.

Lucky for me I made a new friend in aa, hes been sober now for 13 yrs and used to be a counselor treating substance and physical abuse. Hes been great to speak to he said I do need more therapy, but im doing real well but yes I am still the walking wounded, but this is normal when you get divorced and you don't want it and can say you truly loved that person its gonna take time, he verified I got a few more years to go perhaps; and ,no, dating someone will probably be a bad idea for a considerable amount of time. Well lucky for me there are few if any options in that department now.

Interesting enough Ive told him much of what happened to me and ex my drinking the fights over sex, my life as stay at home dad, my crappy resume from moving, her lack of negotiating when she wanted to move, her behavior post divorce,and other things, he said based off his clinical experience I do suffer from trauma from the divorce and her abuse. He said Id qualify to get services for battered spouses he knows of a great therapist and other groups here in town.

Its true im much better but I need more time to heal from this catastrophe and nightmare. He did say I will find someone much better and that im an awesome person with much to offer and its great to hear me speak at the meetings. He said I am a person of love with a big heart and it was taken advantage of for a long time. He always encourages me to speak at the meetings he said I always get folks interested and encourage them to speak up or to approach me after meetings to talk more. He is right many many times I speak and there have been lots that come to me afterwards thanking me for what I said.

Divorce is a horrible experience its so bad it was one of the things that God died over to do some repair work, its still not over more has to be done.

Oh lord my god, when I in awesome wonder consider all the worlds thy hand hath made, I see the stars , I hear the rolling thunder, thy pow'r throughout the universe displayed;

Then sing my soul, my savior God thee, How great thou art! How great thou art! Then sings my soul my savior God to thee; How great thou art! How great thou art!

When though the woods and forest glades I wander, and hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees; When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur and hear the brook and feel the gentle breeze;

Then sings my soul my savior God to thee; How great thou art! How great thou art! Then sings my soul my savior God to thee, How great thou art! How great thou art!

And when I think that God, his son not sparing, Sent him to die, I can scarcely take it in, There on that cross my burden gladly bearing, He bled and died to take away my sin;

Then sings my soul my savior God to thee; How great thou art! How great thou art! Then sings my soul my savior God to thee, How great thou art! How great thou art!

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation, And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart! Then I shall bow in humble adoration and there proclaim, "My God how great thou art!"

Then sings my soul my savior God to thee, How great thou art! How great thou art! Then sings my soul, my savior God to thee;How great thou art! How great thou art!

**** me people this **** hurts

Edited August 4, 2013 by portableversion

September 12, 2013

I got the boys last night, im not sure about when but either last night or early this morning she drove to O'Hare to fly out to Alaska to be with her new husband. I took the kids to school, I took a nap.

It was a dream about how she led me on thinking I had a chance to get back together that all the stuff I was doing to get to the bottom of our problems was working, and our family would be reunited. But in the dream she said she changed her mind or something like that and it made no difference she loves her new man and there nothing I could do.

I was yelling at her go away you hurt me, just go away, how could you do this to me

I woke up alone in my apartment. Anymore ive done research on folks who get into relationships very quickly, and me ive concluded that what she did was move on and grieve silently behind my back, she was searching for a new man and as soon as she found a good candidate there was nothing I could do.

Her treatment of me had come to a crescendo of disrespect, and abuse as soon as she knew her old co-worker was game, I was treading on such thin ice. As soon as I was drunk that time or 2 and yelled at her in front of the kids she had the ammo to tell everyone I was a crazy alcoholic and it was not working she had the pretext to get rid of me move on with this new man and hope to not look bad. Anymore im thinking if I had never gotten drunk and this fight would not have happened she would have cheated on me behind my back, I know for sure her horrible treatment of me would've continued, and escalated to new levels.

Ill never forget how when one day I was a stay at home dad a few months before I lashed out at her while drunk my older son asked me daddy why are you with mommy do you love her? I asked why you ask that son, he said she is so mean to you. And I told him I do think I love mommy and im not sure im with her, shes gotten mean to me like this all the time ive known her perhaps I was desperate to not be alone and I was willing to put up with it thinking I could not find someone better, I really don't know. He went back inside and I took a puff off my hitter of marijuana to kill the pain.

Lol the show got started when he told her our conversation when she got home, wow she was livid and got very nasty with me. I said well its true you act as if you don't love me you are mean to me all the time and it just keeps getting worse, im sorry I said those things I do love you. Lol then proceed onwards to October of 2009 where she confronts me while im drunk.

She was upset cause it appeared I was ignoring her, I said im drunk we cant discuss this now there are things we need to talk about(I was thinking whats the point she aint gonna change shes just a mean person poisoned by her job or god knows what else) she said asnwer my ****ing question godddamn it , I was drunk and said alright ill tell you the ****ing truth, our sex life stinks and has now for years on end, you don't blow me right and your attitude is as nasty as your big fat ass!!.....oh it was on, ever since after that I was a crazy alcoholic not to be trusted. And true there was another time I got drunk and we fought, the other time I was drunk it was just an issue how I was drunk and the other times I was sober when she threw me out.

I can safely say that when I was finally tossed out and the divorce was looming I knew I did not want it and it was wrong and we could find a solution to our problems but she did not want to work at it she already had her new hubby lined up, no manner of compromise change sacrifice or reform on my part was going to work. And yes I was willing to go the extra mile and sacrifice and concede on things, cause I knew that despite of her bad attitude that indeed I was able to look beyond it and I saw a nice person hiding underneath it all and I loved this person with all my heart and too I made a vow before god I would be with her and do whatever I could for her till I died. We made a commitment dang it we have a family we need to do the work, but she had lied to me about what the therapy session was all about and I felt she was tryng to get me into trouble with the law and get a professional to get her to say im a horrible person to justify moving on with jake, then shed be able to tell others oh mike is a bad man the therapist said so. I guess in the end we both had therapists say that.

I will say the condemnation by my therapist took a long time and many sessions after my divorce, like many sessions. I had always told him that I loved her and wanted to get the tools to make it right and get back together.

Finally one day after many sessions I must've said something he asked me hey did she ever hit you, I said yeah a few times we got physical, he asked if it was in front of the kids I said yeah, it was a long time ago with the older son. He said the frequency and the timing is not important the key is that it occurred in the 1st place that's when he gave me more handouts and he told me she was a violent abusive person, the items listed on the hand out( the wheel of power and control) seemed to be a blueprint to her she was described on almost all the bullets of information I was shocked, he said hey you essentially are a battered wife, he recommended if she continues to stop by that I should consider getting a restraining order on her. He said im growing and trying to change and become a better person thru many avenues and shes doing nothing to better herself and her presence is bad for my health, and threatens to undermine all my progress to be a better person we had a toxic relationship where I was not allowed to be a human being and a man.

Funny much later on I hung out a few times with a woman who was in a toxic abusive relationship her hubby was addicted to cocaine and drank huge quantities of alcohol all the time. She mentioned how she learned much thru the handout the wheel of power and control, I said hey I was given that!

Funny its normally given to women who have survived abuse at the hands of their spouse. She went on discussing much of the bad things her hubby had said or done to her, and I was sitting there saying yes ive been there my ex wife did that to me too!!! This lady said omg you could've used the shelter yourself ur ex sounds just like mine on many levels. I said well at least you had a vibrant sex life I was cut off, lol. She said yeah I thought I could cure him thru lots of sex and I did whatever I could to please him and I didn't mind that part of it at all. SHe said I know men are horny and need lots of sex, and sex is a great way to make a man happy. I thought omg this lady is for me, ill treat her so good and shell sex me the way I like. unfortunately I have not heard form her I think she wants to heal from her divorce herself, shes not so interested in dating right now. sigh, too bad id treat her like a queen sounds like shes real good at blow jobs and swallows and is smart and multilingual. A real nice person, likes church, believes in god, just over all a nice kind caring woman, she looks real good in jeans too whew!! Who knows perhaps ill send her a text later on sometime. Wow what a conversation I had not masturbated in awhile when we had that conversation I thought I was going to go in my pants sitting there talking to her!! omg hahaha

Edited September 12, 2013 by portableversion

September 16, 2013

I went on a prayer meditation retreat this weekend, and I learned a lot and made new friends, and good friends.

One thing though it was not a topic per say but I got information of good and healthy relationships caught information from folks who had been together for years, most of the men there were married at the end I saw them with their wives, I could easily see they had a dynamic which was not present in my old relationship, and then too I had more realizations, I had a recollection of times when I had prayed for days about my relationship, I am sure now that God was indeed telling me to get away from her.

I had remembered that I would not be sleeping feeling so miserable and dissatisfied and I would not be able to sleep I pray to God and asking what should I do ? whats going on? what should I do? After about 3-4 days of this some argument would erupt and shed suggest divorce, and now I do finally recall that last time we fought I decided to follow God's suggestion and I said forget this im getting out of here and that was the last time I was home and i was divorced ...........well you count the days got tossed out/moved out june 2nd 2012 divorced aug7th 2012, ha and now she remarried july 5th 2013.

Got many signals this weekend answering more and more of my prayers from God, be happy bro ur free from her, and trust me its much better now.

I had forgotten that I was very scared about my prayers last year and decided it was time to take a leap of faith and move forward and try to get away from total disrespect and neglect. I've been terrified to be on my own with my pathetic job, but got more signals that God will provide it all.

My new friends, many are well connected, some offered very sage advice and told me to call them later on one fella can pull strings to get a job where knowing the right people are indeed the main factor, and this guy is in charge, ha ive got possible access to jobs usually thought to be available to families and other insiders..........hmmmm

OK so I got signs of financial stability and other promises that there is a woman out there for me, I am gonna find a smoking hot woman who has a good attitude about sex in areas ive dreamed about and too im gonna be secure on the money front. If not by next year my ss# will have the distance away from her next time I apply for student loans they wont think im rich. Talked to another fella doing civil engineering got me thinking about trying that again in college as opposed to nursing. As single man I can hit the math like never before and ace the crap. It'll force me to move out of town to finish beyond the early classes beyond the jr college. It will be sad to be further away from the boys if I were to do that, I bet shed be pissed too as she would not be able to have that babysitter she trusts so she can go shag her new hubby.

It will be so good to one day look back at my divorce and agree whole heartedly that it was the beginning of me having a good life. Man I deserve it ive suffered for so many years now.

Its an issue of weak faith, I got the lead form God its time to stop being afraid and just trust in the process. Cant worry that it is indeed a sad tragedy, she was so unwilling to compromise and negotiate fairly, had no interest in working on finding better ways to communicate. Too bad I had kids with her , I never wanted my kids to see this but then too its no good for boys to see their father get systematically ground down into the dirt.

September 16, 2013

they surprised us Saturday night with a special ceremony, not going to say exactly what it was but I know one thing it was a surprise and very touching, many including myself got teary eyed the feeling of love in the air was intense. Afterwards I had to discuss my thoughts and feelings with a deacon.

I said I was not a stranger to those intense feelings of love and that really it was something I had felt towards my x and my kids and my mom and perhaps a few others.

I told the deacon it had taken me back into time and I was recalling the feelings I had for my x a im sure there is still some of that lingering , but then I never felt I got any of that back it was my feelings towards her, but did I ever get that from her? Perhaps at one point in time before we got married,now at least I in place where I can receive that feeling back, no more is it something I feel im giving to someone else only with me just getting used and bled dry. I did indeed start crying while telling this to the deacon.

Not sure if I mentioned it in earlier post talked to the priest this weekend and gave him an update while i confessed some minor offenses. He said it was time to talk to some others I know about the anullment. I spoke to this individual, ive known him now for quite sometime I consider him one of my new friends. We had a lengthy conversation I told him how I had drank and fought with x and how we divorced so quickly, and how she remarried so quickly. Lol he really had quite a bit to say of how she was coming over here all the time and her lying about her boyfriend to me even up to a month before she got married. His reaction was so encouraging, I have indeed been ran through much abuse and torture. He told me how his x had done similar things but at least she moved out of state,

The key is to pray for the kids they are definitely in a precarious position, even despite the fact she has wealth the kids are not really in the safest place on a spiritual level. Yeah no doubt, I saw the other couples who were serious about God and Jesus and something like this weekend had brought folks back from brink of divorce and did much restoration. Definitely kinda depressing to see just another tool folks used to heal and restore their relationship to new levels.

She had no interest in any serious attempt, shes an atheist and does not put much value in vows made in church before god. Definitely made more evident by the fact one time she did some free work for a client or at least lost some money on the work and told me she was doing Gods work. Such crap if she knew anything of Gods work shed know full well her new relationship is a crime against God and is adultery and some real work would be to really roll up the sleeves and do the work necessary to embark on the long road to reconciliation. As long as she does not believe in God it will never happen, she lets her own pride and ego and self will dominate, along with paranoia and narcissism. Her God is herself, her new hubby a fat paycheck and health insurance and possibly the boys. Really a bad place I was there and it leads towards poor decision making.

The stats on such behavior are not promising many embarked on such a path and all eventually run into disaster. Our divorce and our failure to do the right thing for us and our boys is more proof of how we both were wrong very wrong. She avoids the pain by having a new lover invested into her giving his life force to her. For me I tried the bandaid and found it lacking. I had no choice but to live with the pain and misery unfiltered, raw and unadulterated. IM thinking once the annulment gets started here in the near future that ill have even more healing and can totally forget about her and that disaster and can just learn from it and make sure to have a much better relationship in the future.

Despite all the bad things we did to each other there is a place inside of me that does indeed wish shed get right with God and she could join me and together we do the right thing and fix this and have our family reunited into something so much better than what it ever was.

I am certain that now since she is married it will probably never ever happen for us, if anything it will be something she is willing to do do for him, especially since he a lawyer and has way more earning potential than me. Who knows perhaps she did indeed find her true soul mate (ha the reverend and deacons refered to this this weekend) but there is a significant and real chance they too will get to the dark places here one of these days it will take a long time since he still in the army.

I do wonder(its pointless really) would she then try for real to come back to me or will she invest the proper action on him. no point wondering about it, all I can to is trudge forward with my new family in the church and continue in the long hard road of reconstruction to propel myself into a much better place. I may not even succeed but I have no choice, but to try. Much of this grand experiment is not going to be realized until next year when I can try to apply for student loans again. I must have patience and perseverance, good thing my support net work is expanding with truly remarkable people at my side

Never ever again will I turn my back on God im certain the pain I feel from this single life style is something God felt when I was not doing anything for him/her. IM also certain its also partly responsible for this disaster of spiritual rape commonly known as divorce.

Edited September 16, 2013 by portableversion

September 17, 2013

got the boys from school, ive got them until the 23rd, a real true blessing its so nice to se them everyday, and that's because im being the babysitter so she can further build her relation with speedbump. yep she in Alaska until the 23rd.

Older son wanted to get the older version of monopoly, went to the house he went inside to get it, I then remembered that me and her had gotten it years ago. We used to sit around get baked have a few drinks and play each other. We went a whole year or more with no tv.

He of course wanted to play, he got it set up and talked me into playing. As I sat down the memories of me and her playing hit me even though it has been several years. IM not sure but I think the last time we played was before older son was born in those days we had no tv. when we moved from boise we had left behind the tv because there was no room.

I remembered it like yesterday, I grabbed the cannon one of my favorite pieces older son grabbed the battleship, that was also my favorite, and then I saw the dog, I am certain she always used the dog. I recalled her rolling the dice or laughing at me when I landed on one of her properties with hotel on it. I remember her joking about Baltic and Mediterranean ave, she had said they were the ghetto properties on boardwalk. man we had fun together just the 2 of us no law school, no kids just us a bottle of booze and a sack of grass, simple life, simple times it was good and it was fun.NOt a care in the world for the most part I do remember those days as pretty fun until she had told me she wanted to have sex with her coworker at the place she worked and tossed me out for 3 weeks. God I was a miserable wreck, I cried everyday, I cried at work folks were concerned about me. Have no idea if she spoke the truth but she called me everyday, and id drive by at night to see if she was home. After the 3 weeks she told me to come back home, she said she never had sex with ol boy but who knows, a month or so later I got her knocked up and had the older son. Man that was hot stuff getting her pregnant. IM such a breeder I loved getting her pregnant.

A handful of my female co-workers came out and openly flirted with me, and said openly suggestive things and invited me to do ecstasy with them they were beautiful and sexy but I had not the mental capacity to enjoy talking to them. I drank heavily and cried profusely.. Many days I went to work all hung over and im sure I was sweating out rum.

But today as we sat down to play monopoly I grabbed the dog and held it in my hand thinking perhaps her fingerprints were on it, I rolled I around in my fingers thinking of her. Im so pathetic what is wrong with me how is it I could love her so much . She was incredibly bossy, had a temper, had strong tendency to not respect my opinion, was incredibly selfish in the bedroom. I mean id do what ever she wanted but to get her to swallow, hell no, I was willing to go down on her when she ragged, I thought hey it turns her on , makes her feel accepted, im not gonna say no **** shed challenge me to swallow my own sperm at times saying I want to see you do it cause im afraid ur just trying to dominate me and degrade me , and several times I did . really in many ways it tasted much like how she tasted but it had a ph thing going on but id say that's no big deal its no more odd than the strange unique flavor she had. I even told her dang if I was a woman and my man enjoyed that, id swallow for him everyday if it would make him happy.

So yeah whats wrong with me? The relationship was one sided and not fair on many levels and yet I know the love I felt/feel for her is as real and as strong as it can get. I loved her unconditionally, God shed make me mad but I never really ted to be away forever, I wanted to be together forever.

I must be sick and not willing ton stick up for myself but ive heard other say you cant help love when it hits you, ur toast and have no choice. Though ive heard other say well yes you can love someone very dearly but it still does not mean you should live with them or have much interaction with them.

Either way I did feel a bit emotional and missed her as I sat there holding the dog in my hand. I traveled back in time and reflected the times she had blown me real good or times she said I had a good idea or all the times I got her laughing, **** even post divorce when I thought we had a chance to get back together and put our family back whole I had her laughing many times. Even before I thought we had a chance and i was just in denial as to wtf we were to doing to ourselves and before the depression kicked my ass, id be over there and id get her laughing and shed say stop it ur not supposed to do that how can you still get me to laugh even though we are divorced. perhaps that how I got into a situation where she asked me to go down on her 2 times. I got her off big time. The last time she told me she felt she was cheating on her bf. I knew then it was serious, that day was the beginning of the onset of massive hard core depression

I guess in those early days I was just overly confident and thought it was not real, it happened so fast the divorce, moved out june 2nd divorced aug 7.I was certain shed come around realize we acted to rash and were impulsive, and It was a horrible mistake. But she had to have been having an affair behind my back its the only way it makes sense........Sigh NOw im here with my boys holding the dog in my hand she used to play with, and she in alaska with her new hubby.

Edited September 17, 2013 by portableversion

September 28, 2013

Was it a waste of time, ultimately I think so. She wanted to discuss a few things and it turned into a 3 hours long conversation. 1 I had told son a few days ago that for grown ups divorce is real bad and for us to die would be better, she said I upset him an di was wrong to say it I agreed, 2 to no longer leave messages on her phone expressing my opinion namely saying things like god does not recognize her marriage, and its adultery. I said I don't care what she thinks and she cant come over to my place an dtell me to respect her new relationship because they are married. I do think their relationship is a joke and is the height of codependency. Way to go bitch for doing such great job screening for the kids. Though im sure she thinks she did a great job. Hey a few pizza parties at new years and then about 10 days r so together when he was here on leave to marry her sorry ass. Wow all kinds of time spent together to see how they operate as a family...whatever! Yeah her and speedbump are a sad sick joke hopefully the kids wont suffer anymore.

Oh and then another huge topic the fact we need to be more civilized to each other and should have more than what we have now, I said no way we are doing just fine, I don't call you names and we discuss the kids, nothing more is needed. I have no idea what more she needs, shes got everything she wants and my life is in the toilet.

It takes me much prayer and such to get my act together so when I see her face I don't call her a stupid cunt whore, an despite all the weight she lost for speedbump her ass is still flat and shapeless.

****ing bitch she destroyed my life I hate her guts.

SHe said she was researching al anon and found threads about women with men who would relapse into drinking she said no way was she going to live like that.

I had to tell her but I think its above her comprehension that the drinking was just one small piece of the puzzle. I did take ownership and apologize for it once again and say I was wrong and bad for it. But I explained tht her treatment of me was absolutely horrible I don't think she gets it, she has no idea ive got 2 trained therapists saying I was being severely abused.

So yeah I had no idea what to do and I resorted to booze,, and I blew up an dsaid things to her n front of the kids that was not good. But for real she don't get it. I could've gone to aa and church and stuff and she still would've continued to treat me like **** and abused me offered me no respect continued to insult me for my jobs and been incredibly selfish in the bedroom.

My sponsor told me I was lucky I was an alcoholic cause I I never drank id still be there getting treated like a piece of garbage all the time. She had to have not loved me for a long time , but she don't get it.

Ha I forgot to tell her the reaction I git from the therapist and others when I told them how she cut me off money when we lived down state so she could force me to quit smoking, I found some change one day and bought a small cigar for 94 cents.

She got home for lunch saw me smoking and asked me how much it cost I said 94 cents, and she yelled at me wanting to know where the hell I got a dollar. It was horrible im sure you could've heard her outside the house as she yelled all kinds of expletives at me.

So I explained the alcohol was a reaction to her abuse she didn't like it but its the frigging truth. My bad behavior was happening for a very good reason. Many in therapy an din aa have told me she is indeed a sick person an dim so much better off being away from her.

I told her our only chance was if she were to have taken the long hard road to get to the bottom as to why she treated me like crap. But for me I have to conclude she must be very happy to be rid of me and I have no idea why she wants more to our interactions. Perhaps she needs me to be there to soak up her abuse for risk she needs something to treat like complete garbage and without me there taking it she will treat her new man this way too.

I really have no idea what it was all about at one point she was crying saying I scared her when I yelled at her and called her names like fat and cunt and she said I had become a completely different person. MAn she has no clue that her treatment of me was so bad, and devoid of love for many years before I got this point. If she really loved me she never would've been that way pushing me to the point. And instead of really being sorry for her behavior she just marry a new man. If she was truly sorry shed want to work on herself to set the record right. Ive addressed how I was wrong to her she aint done **** so in conclusion we got plenty of civility. I don't call her names an dwe discuss the kids. ANymore I doint think I need any more of these half baked conversations with her, shes married to speedbumop now she just needs to keep his cock in her mouth so she can stfu and leave me alone. Yeah bitch loves sucking him off, well she got what she wanted a man who males tons of money or has the potential. Such a vampire whore she bled me dry and took and took and took and she still wants more.

Either way has the divorce made my life any better, its hard to say its a crying shame she blames me for everything and was completely unwilling to work on her behavior.

So yeah thank God for alcohol abuse it was able to stand up for me in ways that I never would have. IM still not happy in my current life and actually its extremely lonely and rife with poverty. I think she stole my life, this rebuilding process is just not happening. Its gonna take me years to rebuild and I never may achieve a cozy life style. If im lucky ill get hit by a bus and it will all be over.

yeah she tripped when I told her it was obvious to many others including our own son she treated me like garbage, hmm and yes this was long before the alcohol got me to the brave point of standing up for myself and pushing back against the abuse. She don't give a **** , **** her she can rot in hell

im so messed up

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