What is pain good for?

[CaterpillarGirl]

Trying to come out of heatbreak, I've been analyzing it to death. Which is my typical response, of course, when anything frightens me.

 

In the course of this, I've wondered, "What is pain good for?" By this, I mean two things:

 

1) Why have we evolved in a manner to have the capacity for emotional pain? What possible use is this in preserving the species?

 

2) What am I supposed to do with this pain? Is there a way I can use it for good? Not in like a telekinetic superpower way, but perhaps as a base motivator or energizer? Is there something to be learned from it?

 

A long time ago, I remember my grandmother telling me to offer my suffering up to God. Having grown a little more in my spirituality since then, I wonder where that came from. Perhaps a remnant of the times of flagellants. I have noticed that I have become more compassionate to others during my period of recovery. Perhaps this solidarity is a positive effect of pain -- bonding us to humanity through misfortune. If my pain had a purpose, I think it might help me to bear it. Like walking through a burning building to save a child. But I see no purpose. It's hard to understand. Will you help me, fellow 'Shackers?

[aFighter]

Honestly, I think it's a curse of our intelligence. Maybe, sometimes, humans understand a little too well.

I guess it all boils down to how each person channels the feeling, you can sit in a corner and cry or you can use is as fuel to move forward with things. I'm sure someone will figure it out.

[KaiaMahina]

There is some culture, or religious system, which believes that humans are not born with a soul, but earn one through suffering. Aren't people who've led "teflon-coated lives" (as my good friend describes those lucky enough to have been happy all their days) somewhat shallow, self-absorbed and lacking in empathy or understanding for other people?

 

Also, I've heard pain and suffering described as the only way to awaken a human from "soul sleep." To transform them, to make them fully aware.

 

I only know that I would rather have been hurt and know the things that I now know, than to remain blissfully ignorant.

[simplybrill]

its all in how you use it. There's things thats supposed to stick with you, through the pain, lessons--I try to see each bad experience as,,,what was I supposed to pick up from this, and what red flags was I supposed to look out for, that I missed? Hope this helps!

 

xoxo

[meanon]

Which is my typical response, of course, when anything frightens me.

Me too!

 

1) Why have we evolved in a manner to have the capacity for emotional pain? What possible use is this in preserving the species?

 

I don't think it has anything to do with evolution. There is a school of thought that everything significant must have come about as a result of evolution. It just doesn't stand up to scrutiny. Take pregnancy, for example. It was designed for when we were quadrupeds. When we became bipeds it became seriously hazardous to health. We didn't evolve a new, less hazardous way of doing it. We put up with it until medical science caught up with us. Only things which threaten or promote species survival are evolved out of or into existence. The capacity to withstand emotional pain doesn't fall into this category, in my view.

 

2) What am I supposed to do with this pain? Is there a way I can use it for good? Not in like a telekinetic superpower way, but perhaps as a base motivator or energizer? Is there something to be learned from it?

 

I'm not religious. In my own life and many others I have encountered two common reactions to emotional pain. One is to seek protection, to batten down the hatches, to withdraw from life as being too risky for engagement. An entirely understandable but futile exercise if it is more than a short term coping strategy as it often leads to isolation and bitterness. The other response is to learn from it.

 

Whilst I would never wish it upon anyone, I think it's true that we learn more about ourselves when we suffer emotional pain. I believe self knowledge is always a good thing. It can also be a powerful force for change.

 

I agree it can make us more compassionate both through identifying with others and through affirmation of a basic human experience. It doesn't have a purpose as such but there is positive that can be gained from it. As with all of life's experiences, it's what you make of it. It sounds as though you are learning your lessons well, CaterpillarGirl

[CaterpillarGirl]

Meanon, you really made me think. And I remembered something from my past--

 

When I was a child I suffered from a chronic illness, anemia. Although I was treated for it, it seemed like I was prone to prolonged colds, flus, fatigue, etc. So much time spent in bed.

 

Most of the time I read. My curiousity has always been strong. I read science fiction books, Charles Dickens, Sweet Valley books, poetry, scottish history, Shakespeare, whatever would take me away from the corporeal pain I was feeling. Maybe this is evasion, Meanon, I'm not sure.

 

As a child my faith was very rooted in the Catholic Church and I began to view my suffering as something special, a gift. This was my test. If I could bear it silently, maybe I, too, would be remembered as a saint. I prayed every night and every morning to bear the pain. I concentrated so hard on my pain, I can still remember every feverish night and dull ache in my stomach. I explored it, through and through. I checked out medical encyclopedias (not really reading material for an eleven year old). I wanted to understand everything and take everything. I was like a pain junkie.

 

Then there was the day I realized my pain was real. It wasn't some kind of divine blessing. It was an infection. If it got bad enough, I could die. And I was scared. I had drawn the wrong moral from the stories. Saints didn't relish in their pain, saints didn't stay abed, they moved through it to something beyond themselves, even when they wanted to stay behind. So, I started washing my hands more, stayed away from sick kids, and slowly segregated my faith in God from my faith in science, though many intersections still remain. But the sickness of my youth gave me the silence, the solitude to understand myself, my faith, and my ambition. More so than any of my peers (at least that's how it felt at the time). And I did something with what I learned. I strived to be better (physically) to accomplish the goals I'd set.

 

Is physical pain different from emotional pain? Some of my coping strategies from childhood seem to linger. Retreating into books and silence. Prayer. And introspection, until I get too close to the heartache, when suddenly I feel I've trespassed too far. Because it hurts again, like picking at a scab. And I turn away. Back out into the world. The pain is still there. And it's hard to move past. It's an infection and I wish I had the medicine to cure it, because I'm tired of staying in bed, and tired of staying behind. But maybe I have learned something while I lingered in it.

 

 

-CG (whose post seems really dramatic and sophomoric on re-reading)

[dyermaker]

Aren't people who've led "teflon-coated lives" (as my good friend describes those lucky enough to have been happy all their days) somewhat shallow, self-absorbed and lacking in empathy or understanding for other people?

*sigh* Not at all. When I was happy, I didn't have to worry about myself at all. I never had to complain, I never had to feel sorry for myself, I never had to cry. I knew I was going to be happy forever (about a year), and I focused on having that bleed onto other people.

Is physical pain different from emotional pain?

I think so. If I hurt myself, physically, it still hurts, but I don't feel as responsible for it.

[meanon]

whose post seems really dramatic and sophomoric on re-reading

No! Deep and meaningful, CG Deep and meaningful

And introspection, until I get too close to the heartache, when suddenly I feel I've trespassed too far. Because it hurts again, like picking at a scab. And I turn away. Back out into the world. The pain is still there. And it's hard to move past. It's an infection and I wish I had the medicine to cure it, because I'm tired of staying in bed, and tired of staying behind. But maybe I have learned something while I lingered in it.

This is a coping strategy I recognise. I've never experienced great physical pain. I'm a wimp. The closest I came was in labour when I had every drug they offered me several times . I do think there are some similarities in coping strategies for both types of pain.

 

I read a really interesting article today, I've been looking for it online but can't find it. It was about the value of Indolence in life. The sections on sex and illness were particularly fascinating. Some of our greatest thinkers were either very indolent or ill for substantial periods of their lives. Descartes attributed Cartesian theory to a spell in bed and there are many, many other examples. The protestant work ethic drives so much of our modern society that illness is one of the few legitimate excuses we have to do nothing but think.

 

I think the sense in which you describe learning from physical pain (which I have no doubt you did) applies to emotional pain also, as long as we have sufficient insight and take the time to really think things through. Extreme change can also have a similar effect. Where they differ is in the extent to which others can help. Most people suffering from emotional distress need others to talk to in order to clarify their thoughts, gain in objectivity and receive comfort. Solitude is also necessary for introspection. With physical pain, the need for others is less common.

 

I have heard of others who have learned from physical pain but it's relatively rare. Whenever I do, I'm struck again at the capacity of the human mind to transform what could be such a negative experience into a positive one. You are remarkable, CG.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by KaiaMahina

There is some culture, or religious system, which believes that humans are not born with a soul, but earn one through suffering. Aren't people who've led "teflon-coated lives" (as my good friend describes those lucky enough to have been happy all their days) somewhat shallow, self-absorbed and lacking in empathy or understanding for other people?

 

Also, I've heard pain and suffering described as the only way to awaken a human from "soul sleep." To transform them, to make them fully aware.

 

I only know that I would rather have been hurt and know the things that I now know, than to remain blissfully ignorant.

 

this is very interesting! would you by chance know the name of this faith? i'd love to read more about it.

 

as for me, i think pain is a reminder that we are still alive even when we don't want to be.

[moimeme]

Pain is a teacher. If you didn't burn your finger when you stuck it in the flame, you'd go back and burn it again. And, once you're burnt, you're usually wounded - so the memory of the pain is particularly strong right after the injury to keep your weakened self away from danger.

 

The other reason for pain - and both are very likely evolutionary - is to learn empathy. We are not and never were solitary animals. We are pack animals; we need groups to survive. Therefore, if we could wound and damage each other with impunity, we could destroy our own chances of survival. So we need to learn lessons about not causing pain, which empathy should teach.

 

Remember, it's not only humans who suffer. Animals mourn their dead mates and offspring. The difference, thank God, is that we can understand and rationalize. Animals have no ability to even try to figure out what happened, why they hurt, or how to help themselves when they're sad.

 

The other gift is that pain will fade with time, as will its memory. If women remembered what childbirth felt like, they'd not have many children.

 

I'm not sure that we were ever meant to ask for pain or relish it. The idea of offering up suffering, as I recall, was to feel ourselves in Christ's situation as he suffered and died. Again, it was about empathy and realizing what was given up for us. Yes, some enthusiasts sought out extra pain, but some of that was also to learn how to be tough in order to bear up under whatever burdens may befall them.

 

Some people, as Meanon said, shut the door to themselves as a defense against pain. Others are able to muster their strength and go back into life to try it again. I have every faith that you will be able to do that once the pain has loosened its grip on you.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my post and for your thoughtful replies. I only hope that LoveShack gives the same comfort and joy to all of you as it does to me. The people on here are so extraordinary. If evolution meant us to be empathetic to others, surely this site holds some of the more advanced of our species!

 

I find myself seeking out solitude to deal with this, but then I feel conflicted about this decision. Others expect me to go out with them, expect me to move on. And I have these expectations of myself. I'm strong, right? I'm so wise, yes? So get over it already! Maybe one of the things I'm learning is that I don't know everything about the one person I thought I knew best - myself.

 

I never knew I could be so frightened of being alone, since I've been alone for years before. I never knew that I could be mislead by someone I trusted so much. I never knew that others (not just him) meant so much to me, that they had somehow quietly stepped into my heart when I wasn't looking. I've depended so long on my brain to control my heart, and I realize now that there are some wires missing or something, because logic has no power here. And my fairy tale is a little different than I thought. Probably not worse, just different.

 

I hope. That's it. That's what I have right now. That's the only medicine for this prolonged stay in bed. And I believe in you all when you say that I can get past it. So hope and belief.

[moimeme]

Well, if nothing else, this lesson may be that you needed to drop the illusion that logic can overwhelm emotion. Just when you get all pleased with how you've managed to manage yourself, your emotions will pop up, smack you one in the kisser, and remind you that, no, you haven't and likely won't.

 

because logic has no power here

 

There's your revelation if you hadn't had it yet. Logic is a fairly recent invention. Our brains learned emotion long before they learned logic (and not everybody learns logic anhoo). And, no matter how much we try to persuade ourselves otherwise, emotion will often trump logic.

 

that they had somehow quietly stepped into my heart when I wasn't looking

 

That's another one! You'll find people embedded in your heart that you may not have planned to allow in..

 

You're going to end up with a grad degree in Life Experience at this rate!

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by littleflowerpot

this is very interesting! would you by chance know the name of this faith? i'd love to read more about it.

The idea that one creates a soul through personal experience is attributed to Gurdjieff, I don't think he had a 'faith' per se, more like one of those mystical schools in the 1900's. I don't think he still has followers, he was sort of a conman.

[Mr Spock]

Pain is what shapes our personalities. Pain lends creativity. Pain allows us to grow, to change, in ways that being blissfull can't. It opens our eyes to things we never would have seen otherwise.

 

Pain will fade, but the memory won't. And that's what you take with you, when it's all said and done. It's how you handle your own internal pain that defines you from the rest of the world.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by dyermaker

The idea that one creates a soul through personal experience is attributed to Gurdjieff, I don't think he had a 'faith' per se, more like one of those mystical schools in the 1900's. I don't think he still has followers, he was sort of a conman.

 

damn, i knew there had to be a catch.

[meanon]

I'm learning is that I don't know everything about the one person I thought I knew best - myself

 

We can learn about ourselves at any age, no matter how much we already know. There's always more to learn as life deals us the unexpected.

 

I realize now that there are some wires missing or something, because logic has no power here

 

Yes, it's scary isn't it? Logic does have an effect but it's as if the heart and the head speak an entirely different language. That's why an empathic approach informed by logic is so powerful - it speaks to both

 

Hope is critical. It's more than enough. People are very resilient and they usually recover without too much damage as long as there is hope.

 

These are hard lessons but they will make you stronger. They'll make you better able to cope alone with a greater degree of wisdom about life and they'll increase your capacity for depth in a relationship. Not everyone has the head and the heart to extract the positive from these lessons. You do.