How can you "forget" being a "father"?

[YorickBrown]

I know, the post title seems weird. That's because I'm coming from a very weird place right now. And weird is an understatement.

 

It's a dilemma that's giving me a dilemma...believe me, I'd rather have an enema than deal with this, plus there's the enigma of "fatherhood".

 

You see, here's the thing: I recently found out that I may have become a father to a baby girl. My ex got married last August, but we were still together since Dec of last year until April of this year. And by together i mean, having sex --unprotected sex, lots of it almost always. She gave birth last Oct./Nov. (i have yet to confirm) Anyways, you dont have to be a Math genius or a certified ob-gyn doctor to figure out statistically or scientifically of my chances of being a biological father to the child right?

 

Ok for the hard questions:

 

1. Why didnt she tell me that she was pregnant in the 1st place?

Answer: My answer would range from "I dont know", "she wasnt sure how to tell me", "her parents didnt want me", to "she/they already had plans of "selling off" the mother & child to a rich guy" The point is she didnt tell me for whatever reason.

 

2. How could you NOT "know" that she was already pregnant (probably already close to 3mos) during the times you were still together?

Answer: I traveled a lot, so I wasnt around that often. I just didnt see the signs of pregnancy. Besides, she had every intention to probably hide it from me in the first place...that's why she started "souring" the relationship and breaking up with me which contributed to me getting too distracted and upset to see any of the tell-tale signs (which I wouldnt really know in the 1st place)

 

3. Would it have made a difference if you somehow knew or suspected that she was pregnant at a much earlier stage?

Answer: Yes. I was already willing to marry her even without knowing about the pregnancy, but I wanted to wait for awhile. I wanted for us to experience a little bit longer being boyfriend-girlfriend so that we can know each other better and enjoy each others company (I was going to take her with me and travel, see places, and experience being carefree). Besides, she was still young --only in her early 20's and her parents, still wanted her to be around them (she's the breadwinner) IF I HAD KNOWN SHE WAS PREGNANT then, I WOULD HAVE DEFINITELY MARRIED HER (to protect her dignity--although at that time it was already highly questionable). So, when a much wealthier man, who was probably willing to marry her even if she was with child, came along...they simply grabbed the opportunity to dump me. That's why they needed me "dumb, deaf & blind" about the pregnancy. Or, even if I did find out, my ex/them could easily claim that I wasnt the one who got her pregnant. Still, I could make trouble for them all.

 

4. Why is this bothering you so much?

Answer: It just does. I dont know why or how to explain it. That's why I posted the question here in Parenting because I think only "real parents" who "lost" children or denied parenthood--Fathers, in particular would somehow know and understand my dilemma. I tried posting at the Coping section why I have these feelings but nobody can really relate there as they are so pre-occupied with their own break-ups.

 

5.Would a paternity test make a difference if you could get it?

Yes, definitely. But only if the results show that its a negative; that I am not the father. But if it proves that I am the biological father....I don't want to think about that yet...since, even getting the paternity test is a tall order by in itself. I know...but the point is, if I am proven to be a "real dad"....wouldn't it make my feelings more hurt? They say "Fatherhood" changes you, I've seen it...Im afraid it will pull me to the "dark side" if I dont get custody of my child.

 

That's why as early as now, I am already asking if there is a way or are there ways to just "Forget being a Father (even if its real or imagined)? Is there some sort of Jedi mind-trick I can use or exercise to get rid of this terrible feeling of "awareness"?!? Its been troubling me for weeks now since I got the news...Anyone?

 

 

PS: Another way of putting it is: Is there a way to put the genie (of fatherhood) back in the lamp?

[todreaminblue]

I believe if you are a compassionate loving male and human......there's no way of going back

 

if a father was denied custody or threatened with non visitation it is the same feeling for a biological mother.....and if you do find out you are the father you will go through a grieving process, perhaps more keen that what a biological mother would because unlike a biological mother losing a child.....biological fathers do not, unrightly so I might add, have access to or as much support or understanding i feel as mothers do.

 

The biological father is often made out to be a less than ideal parent,sometimes it is true and others is it not, but this situation comes into play when there is spite or an acrimonious break up.......I feel for you and even though you don't want to know or not sure you want to know....the fact is you need to know.......the baby is there, an innocent viable responsibility whether you take it up or not, again, its a choice you have to make.....

 

 

there is no jedi mind trick to unlearn something, there is ect(electric shock therapy) even then it doesn't wipe your memory, just certain perceptions and short term memory,

 

 

there is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better, except there are some support groups(not enough in my opinion) and that you are not the only one who has had this happen.I feel you will come to terms with whatever happens, because really you have to, and you will do what is in the best interest of the child if you are the father.....I know that because you bothered to write a long ass post about this little girl and that it concerns you....if you are the father......you will step up...a paternity test is needed in your case in my opinion....i wish you well and all the best....father or not......deb

Edited December 1, 2012 by todreaminblue

[YorickBrown]

Thank you for your kind words to me tdib, and your understanding of my predicament --and for taking time to read my long ass post.

 

I don't know if I'll be an ideal father or not, I won't pretend or claim to be this and that to my kids. All I know is if I am given a chance to be one (or if I am already one) I will do all the best I can do for them. That's why I am very much angry and upset with my ex-gf for robbing me of that opportunity like she did (and how she did it was really adding insult to injury). I can accept that she betrayed me, I kinda knew from the beginning that she may do so...or will be "forced' to do so, but I still loved her as much as I could and tried my best to do right by her and her family (which made their betrayal even more painful) But still, I understood that and accepted it, that's why when we were "breaking-up", we didn't have much animosity or drama (even though I knew she was really already cheating with me at that time). I just knew how to handle it and live with it, maybe because when she came into my life, I was just recently orphaned (my parents both died in a car wreck a little over a year before). So sadness, sudden loss and a sense of abandonment were really nothing new to me. It "toughened me up" to carry on inspite of whatever personal tragedy comes into my life. I mean, I survived the sudden death of my parents right? What's getting betrayed and dumped (which was anticipated anyway) by a girlfriend compared to that right? So I went NC for months and I was healing nicely and getting back to my normal self (perhaps even improved). Nothing could seem to faze me anymore. Wrong.

 

"Fate has a way of putting in front of us, that which we most try to leave behind." - Einstein

 

My ex found a way and a brilliant one at that: "Fatherhood" (even if its just a hint) and this one really fazes me right now...and I dont know if I could face it this time or if I should, not that I can escape it...its just gonna get ugly between the two of us.

 

Its like she said: "So, you can handle "death" huh? Let's see you handle "life"? (coz she gave birth). I knew she wasnt that kind of person but how devious can she get?

 

So in getting the paternity test (which im planning to have by December 14 - my parents death anniversry), I may have to resort to devious measures myself.

 

PS: And oh here's another thing, when we were still together...we talked about having a baby...and baby names, guess what name I wanted if it turned out to be a baby girl?......"Fate" (because our 1st meeting was really fated (I bumped into her when she was crying)...and it goes well with my family name when combined) Weird huh?

Edited December 1, 2012 by YorickBrown