How did I get myself into this!!

[veryhappy]

You were with your MM for a year and a half.

 

The reason why people implied you were controlling was because you researched affairs and then set out to have one. Then essentially demanded your MM save you from your own bad marriage.

 

That "determination" actually kept you from being an OW longer than most. The most important thing is you are no longer an OW.

 

It's the opposite. I set out to have an A (more to say, but it's not my thread), and then looked up what to expect (my so called bloody, cold, calculated research). There was no file of potential APs that I carefully put together lol. Then I demanded that exMM save me from my bad marriage, because in every storybook the knight in shining armor is 10 years older, has a wife and kids at home. Just the rescue fantasy I was looking for...

 

Why did you use quotation marks for determination?

[ThatJustHappened]

There's no age cutoff that I know of (maybe some from the other team holding the OW manual can tell better). That's just my personal view.

 

Why 30? Because As tend to have some age difference involved, and younger women are more likely to fall for age being equal to maturity and experience. At the same time they don't have enough life experience to see through some bs, or deal with the aftermath as well as someone older. I think the long term effects can be much more damaging for someone in their 20s than older. Also, no woman should spend the years when she looks the most beautiful, fresh and is the most fertile being the OW.

 

No one should EVER be an OW. There is no age when it's ok.

[patronusglow]

So, here's where I'm at. He sent me a text yesterday asking how my day was, how my meetings went (he is currently interstate for work) and I didn't respond until just a moment ago. My response was polite but somewhat distant ("Sorry I only just saw your text. My day was fine- nothing interesting to report!") and I didn't invite him to continue the text conversation like I usually would. Some of you probably think I shouldn't have even responded- but I still have to work with the guy! I'm hoping gradually he'll just get the message. It is so hard though!! Why do I find myself feeling sorry for him??? Grr!!

[ThatJustHappened]

So, here's where I'm at. He sent me a text yesterday asking how my day was, how my meetings went (he is currently interstate for work) and I didn't respond until just a moment ago. My response was polite but somewhat distant ("Sorry I only just saw your text. My day was fine- nothing interesting to report!") and I didn't invite him to continue the text conversation like I usually would. Some of you probably think I shouldn't have even responded- but I still have to work with the guy! I'm hoping gradually he'll just get the message. It is so hard though!! Why do I find myself feeling sorry for him??? Grr!!

 

No, he's still your boss so you need to respond when he asks work related questions. Just don't respond if he asks personal questions.

 

Why do you feel sorry for him? You should feel sorry for his wife.

[Pierre]

So, here's where I'm at. He sent me a text yesterday asking how my day was, how my meetings went (he is currently interstate for work) and I didn't respond until just a moment ago. My response was polite but somewhat distant ("Sorry I only just saw your text. My day was fine- nothing interesting to report!") and I didn't invite him to continue the text conversation like I usually would. Some of you probably think I shouldn't have even responded- but I still have to work with the guy! I'm hoping gradually he'll just get the message. It is so hard though!! Why do I find myself feeling sorry for him??? Grr!!

 

If he is a true man he will understand the dryness of the text.

 

Keep it up.

[veryhappy]

I agree that you handled it well. Just go back to your professional R and how you were behaving with him before it got blurry.

[patronusglow]

Don't feel sorry for him. He's a big boy.

 

What are you going to do about the party? I wouldn't go anywhere near that party if I were you - he wants to bed you and has it all planned out.

 

 

Yeah I know he's a big boy- that's why I am so furious with myself for even feeling that way! As for the Xmas party- I don't think I can really get out of that. My job is the sort where we are all expected to attend loads of functions outside work hours and they really get shirty if you don't go. Plus, it's not strictly a social staff Xmas party- it's basically for all of our clients and shareholders. Unless I say I'm sick on the day? I don't know. My plan was to attend with a coworker and maybe even drive her so I won't drink. That way if he asks me to hang around I can just say "Oh I can't, I've got to drive X home".

 

He text me regarding a lunch date this Friday. I am annoyed with myself because I didn't just come out and say no I'm busy. I asked if we could take a rain check because I am under a lot of pressure this week. I hope he gets the hint from that.

 

It's only been a couple of days and I miss the regular contact with him

[Summer Breeze]

Yeah I know he's a big boy- that's why I am so furious with myself for even feeling that way! As for the Xmas party- I don't think I can really get out of that. My job is the sort where we are all expected to attend loads of functions outside work hours and they really get shirty if you don't go. Plus, it's not strictly a social staff Xmas party- it's basically for all of our clients and shareholders. Unless I say I'm sick on the day? I don't know. My plan was to attend with a coworker and maybe even drive her so I won't drink. That way if he asks me to hang around I can just say "Oh I can't, I've got to drive X home".

 

He text me regarding a lunch date this Friday. I am annoyed with myself because I didn't just come out and say no I'm busy. I asked if we could take a rain check because I am under a lot of pressure this week. I hope he gets the hint from that.

 

It's only been a couple of days and I miss the regular contact with him

 

I still think the best thing to do is to report it and get it documented but that's me. I also wouldn't go around making excuses about not seeing him because I think he'll take it as you playing hard to get. Those are choices you need to make for yourself. You know your situation better then we do.

 

It sounds like you've thought out the party and I think having the responsibility of driving someone home is a great deflector. You can't drink and become weaker, and you are accountable to leave the venue.

 

The lack of contact does get easier. Fill yourself up with everything that is Christmas. Get together with friends and family. Step out of the box and do something totally different--charity work or maybe go to a nursing home and volunteer to help out with some residents who have no one. Sometimes seeing how tough life is for some people makes your problems pale a little.

 

You're doing well and I hope you draw strength from every little victory.

[patronusglow]

I feel miserable!! His response to my asking for a rain check on lunch was "Absolutely- we can take a rain check whenever you like. Let me know if I can do anything. Talk soon". I didn't reply to that, but then received a private message from him on Facebook saying "Are you ok? You seem out of sorts this week". I lied and said nothing was wrong, that I'm just really busy with work, to which he responded by saying "Promise me if there's anything I can do to help, you will let me do it". I didn't respond to that. I miss talking to him!! I know I should put him out of my mind but I can't. Last night I even shed a few tears over him- and I never cry!

[Pierre]

I feel miserable!! His response to my asking for a rain check on lunch was "Absolutely- we can take a rain check whenever you like. Let me know if I can do anything. Talk soon". I didn't reply to that, but then received a private message from him on Facebook saying "Are you ok? You seem out of sorts this week". I lied and said nothing was wrong, that I'm just really busy with work, to which he responded by saying "Promise me if there's anything I can do to help, you will let me do it". I didn't respond to that. I miss talking to him!! I know I should put him out of my mind but I can't. Last night I even shed a few tears over him- and I never cry!

 

He is affable and ready to shower attention on you. He shows typical smooth MOM moves that usually work on needy women. He believes he is getting you in the sac this Xmas. Resist the urge, the end result will be very bad for you. Keep doing what you are doing.

[Summer Breeze]

I feel miserable!! His response to my asking for a rain check on lunch was "Absolutely- we can take a rain check whenever you like. Let me know if I can do anything. Talk soon". I didn't reply to that, but then received a private message from him on Facebook saying "Are you ok? You seem out of sorts this week". I lied and said nothing was wrong, that I'm just really busy with work, to which he responded by saying "Promise me if there's anything I can do to help, you will let me do it". I didn't respond to that. I miss talking to him!! I know I should put him out of my mind but I can't. Last night I even shed a few tears over him- and I never cry!

 

I'm so sorry this is hurting you so much. This is what I was afraid of. You're trying to fade away and he sees you playing hard to get. I don't think he'll let you fade away. I still say get it documented and then talk to him. You need to look at this very carefully. He is your boss and if there's a problem you'll be the one who isn't believed. I'd document it and separate myself from him with loads of clarity.

[kamani]

It's good thing that you have discussed this issue with your friends.

 

Most people in your situation cannot discuss these OM/OW things with friends. Continue talking all what you feel with your friends. Keep on posting as well. Don't keep anything to you tell your friends, even parents, siblings if possible. It will discourage you falling into the trap.

 

Again, this man wants sex, will never leave his wife. But he's not going to let you go easily. If a MM loves you, truely cares for you he'll at least try to stay away from you. This man isn't.

[whichwayisup]

You need to stop being passive with him and be honest. When he asks what's wrong, why are you mad, TELL HIM. Ask him to please respect your wishes to leave you alone (not sure if you've gone that far yet with him).. Ignoring him and leaving the door open a crack will only allow him to still pursue you. You need to be clear and to the point so he will understand where you are coming from.

[Tenacity]

I didn't respond to that. I miss talking to him!! I know I should put him out of my mind but I can't. Last night I even shed a few tears over him- and I never cry!

 

I understand this SO much. But you have seen nothing yet. Try being involved for YEARS on end and having the tears (I didn't cry either) last for years. You are on your way to being involved and I am worried about you.

 

You do not know the pain you can be in store for if you continue. Multiply what you are feeling now by infinity.

 

His response is completely expected. Of course he would say that you were "out of sorts" since he recognized a change! Yes I understand it hurts you, but please, please, PLEASE... trust me on what I have gone through as have others... please understand that what you are feeling now is nothing compared to the complete devastation you might end up in if you continue this.

 

His reaction is expected and NORMAL. He would of course notice if you back off. In my opinion you need to talk to him now and tell him you are not interested in an affair so it's clear and he does not continue this... or at least if he does, you have said your piece. I understand why you would not feel comfortable with the vagueness ongoing.

[patronusglow]

Oh great! So he phones me today and asks if I want to get together after the meeting on Monday to discuss my going back to uni (something he has encouraged me to do over the last couple of months). I said no I have to be somewhere. So then he asked if I wanted to get together Sunday afternoon for a drink to talk about it. Again, I said I was super busy on Sunday with family stuff. He goes "Oh, I'm starting to feel like a rejected lover!" as a joke. I laughed it off and hung up from him.

 

BUT THEN...This afternoon my handbag was stolen out of my company car. Everything is gone. My iPhone, my iPad, my wallet. GRRRR. Having heard about it, he called me twice at home, telling me to not worry about anything, he would take care of it all, and that I should come into the office tomorrow morning so he could set me up with new stuff. Then he said "I'll cancel your meetings for tomorrow", so basically I will be spending the day with him. And I can't exactly say no, because I DO need a new phone and iPad. Crap. The universe must hate me.

[Tenacity]

What kind of access does he have to your company car? Just asking. That seems like really convenient timing.

[patronusglow]

What kind of access does he have to your company car? Just asking. That seems like really convenient timing.

 

Haha omg hadn't thought of that! Kind of creepy. But no, he is based in the city, whereas my car was actually parked in the driveway of my house when the theft occurred. Plus, I am 100% sure he would NEVER do anything like that.

[Pierre]

Oh great! So he phones me today and asks if I want to get together after the meeting on Monday to discuss my going back to uni (something he has encouraged me to do over the last couple of months).

 

:laugh::laugh:The mentoring angle.:laugh:

This guy is really obvious and transparent. MOM seems well versed on EMRs.

 

 

"Oh, I'm starting to feel like a rejected lover!" as a joke. I laughed it off and hung up from him.

 

Oops, he was looking for reassurance and a good comeback from you. He is also letting you know his interest is truly romantic.

 

Having heard about it, he called me twice at home, telling me to not worry about anything, he would take care of it all, and that I should come into the office tomorrow morning so he could set me up with new stuff.

 

This guy is a classic MOM move. The concept of "I can solve all your problems, don't worry, I am your new superhero." He wants you to want him and is showing how powerful he can be. This is major league grooming.

 

 

Then he said "I'll cancel your meetings for tomorrow", so basically I will be spending the day with him. And I can't exactly say no, because I DO need a new phone and iPad. Crap. The universe must hate me.

 

This guy sounds a bit like a sociopathic MOM. They ooze a ton of charm and some women are very susceptible to charm. But, now he is in controlling mode.

[Yasuandio]

Many of you wrote and said I should find another job ASAP. At the moment, I'm not really in a position to leave my job immediately. And I'm not willing to step down and take any old sh*tty job just because I have stupidly fallen for my boss and have to jump ship. I know that some of you might say it doesn't matter- it will be too hard to work with him. But the beauty of our jobs is that even though he is my boss- I only actually see him for work purposes once a week for about an hour. He is an office based lawyer, whereas I am on the road all the time.

 

So I am firmly saying that leaving the job is not an option at least for 3 months. But, how do I cut him out without causing major awkwardness? Should I confront him and say that I no longer feel comfortable with our "friendship" and that I'd rather keep it professional? Or should I say nothing but just say I have plans every time he asks me somewhere?

 

Be nice, say nothing of detail, start talking going out with your girlfriends as an excuse, or you have a prior committment - or even a date. Good girls always have to "get going." Put him off. Say something like: "It's been nice, but, I gotta get going!"

 

Change subject to job related topic if he approaches you. Call in a third party to join any convo. Introduce him to someone to get this to happen if necessary (go to the desk of another colleage and praise the colleage's latest project in front of him). Be creative. Turn everything into business. Ask about his wife if he begins convo. Talk about her - how you admired the decorating - anything other than GOO-GOO EYES.

 

 

What a sh*tty weekend!

 

I would try not to piss him off - by being ultra nice. You are in a bad situation. I will offer you some alternate advice that, IMO, would be smart advice - that could possibly save your job and future professional recommendations. You appartently are in some sort of professional field, and he is a married attorney. One way you can somewhat protect yourself from dismissal or "convientent poor performance evaluations" is by saving all of the evidence from the texts, and perhaps tape recording any unwanted advances or potential "pressure" situations where he may try to abuse his power as your supervisor (as, obviously - there are some issues with his character).

 

Should he or the firm try to dismiss you unjustly, or should he continue to harrass you once you give him the message (either subtly or by bluntly telling him to stop contact) -- then, he would be looking at sexual harrassment.

 

So, young lady, keep your nose clean. As it stands right now -- you are a naive young woman being taken advantage of by your employer. Go to bed with him, then, you will be perceived a bit differently (at least, not so naive; and at worst, a homewrecker).

 

Wisdom is the greatest virture. Be wise - listen to those who have had experience with this sort of matter. The answer to your issue is like so common sense - but you are in a fog right now - he's got you where he wants you. Your self esteem is already taking some hits (visit to house, shared wine with wife, etc.), and you can guage such from your anger (which likely stems from hurt feelings and pride).

 

Can you imagine how much worse this will be when you are chemically attached to him though sex? Honey, don't do it. Yas

[Yasuandio]

Haha omg hadn't thought of that! Kind of creepy. But no, he is based in the city, whereas my car was actually parked in the driveway of my house when the theft occurred. Plus, I am 100% sure he would NEVER do anything like that.

 

Right. You better believe it's creepy (especially coming since you recently started backing off and he felt like a "rejected lover." So, you are 100% sure he didn't do it? Are you also 100% sure he didn't have someone else do it? (Who does this sort of thing -- thugs, drug addicts, or weirdos? Probably not a law abiding persons).

 

I mean really, do you think an Attorney is going to be dumb enough to come in your driveway and break into your car? Really, what was the motive for the robbery? Did they get anything else other than your devices?

 

I just read this after the last post I made. And now he's anxious to set you up with new iPhone, iPad, etc. You need to own you own equipment - that he has no access to. He owns the devices if he buys them for you. They should only be used for business - or you can get yourself in hot water. He will be watching you too.

 

Who owned your original phone? Where is all your text evidence now? Hmmmm. Driveway. Did you call the police and report a theft? Do you have an alarm system on your house? .

 

I think his behaviour, especially inviting you over to meet the wife, is very odd, indeed. Sometimes when young ladies that are involved (EA or PA) with married men that are exhibiting ODD behaviour - it may be reason to have great concern. The whole thing reeks. I think you should be careful in more ways than one. Yas

Edited December 6, 2012 by Yasuandio

[veryhappy]

He spoke the truth. He's feeling like a rejected lover, because he was working towards being your lover and he got the point that you are rejecting him.

 

Now you need to deal with how hard his ego will take it. You are in a tough spot, and whatever you do, do not fall for him and do not have sex with him. He's already made your life miserable, and nothing much has happened this far.

[Summer Breeze]

Is he the person who should sort out your new equipment? If he is then simply let him know what you need or are entitled to (if he isn't sure) and let him get on with it. I don't know why you would have to go with him while he gets new equipment for you.

 

If there is someone else who is normally responsible for replacement equipment then go directly to them. Thank the MM and take care of it yourself.

 

I can't stress how much I think you need to get this documented before it's too late.

[Steen719]

Yeah I know he's a big boy- that's why I am so furious with myself for even feeling that way! As for the Xmas party- I don't think I can really get out of that. My job is the sort where we are all expected to attend loads of functions outside work hours and they really get shirty if you don't go. Plus, it's not strictly a social staff Xmas party- it's basically for all of our clients and shareholders. Unless I say I'm sick on the day? I don't know. My plan was to attend with a coworker and maybe even drive her so I won't drink. That way if he asks me to hang around I can just say "Oh I can't, I've got to drive X home".

 

He text me regarding a lunch date this Friday. I am annoyed with myself because I didn't just come out and say no I'm busy. I asked if we could take a rain check because I am under a lot of pressure this week. I hope he gets the hint from that.

 

It's only been a couple of days and I miss the regular contact with him

 

Take a date, even if it is just a guy-friend. That will help deliver the message.

 

I know you are worried, but really...couldn't he get in trouble for pursuing you? Just tell him that you are not interested in any relationship with him other than professional. Why all this ying and yang? Just tell him. If he won't give you a good reference, well....that might not be so good for him, right? CUT THE TIES now. You are in need of perspective that will only come when you are away from him.

[Steen719]

even a girlfriend to keep things in check. And do not drink - even a glass.

 

He is going to come at you full steam ahead at this party, so i too am not sure why you just don't shut him down now.

 

Unless you like playing games???

 

^^^^^yep^^^^^

[patronusglow]

Even a girlfriend to keep things in check. AND DO NOT DRINK - even a glass.

 

He IS going to come at you full steam ahead at this party, so I too am not sure why you just don't shut him down NOW.

 

Unless you like playing games???

 

 

The reason why I don't want to "shut him down" is less out of desire to play games, and more about minimising impact. I'm not mad on the idea of telling him to f*ck off then rolling up to the office on Monday trying to pretend that nothing happened. If I was about to quit my job, then that would be a different story, but as I said in another post, I still want to work there for a few more months. You might think that is game playing but, from my perspective, it isn't. Ideally I'd like to remain on friendly-ish terms.

 

I spent the day with him on Friday sorting out the replacements of my stolen belongings. It turns out, some guy found my handbag in a park near my house and noticed my business card in it- so at least I got that back. MM came with me to pick it up off the guy (not that he had to, probably trying to be a knight in shining armour). But while we were in the office, he brought up the Xmas party next weekend. He isn't getting a hotel room anymore! The wife is still not coming. He was asking me how I was getting there, how I was getting home, was I going anywhere afterwards, did I plan on driving. I basically just said I was driving and going with another colleague.

 

THEN, he phoned me yesterday (usually he never phones on a weekend) with the news that he bought himself a new electric guitar (the exact same one I've got, btw) which I thought was odd. Who decides on the spur of the moment to go out and buy a Fender Stratocaster? When he already has 7 guitars! Then he posted pics of the guitar on Facebook, and on one of them wrote "*My name*- I hope you approve!".

 

Anyway, so that is where I'm at with the whole saga. I will admit that after feeling so miserable at the beginning of the week because I wasn't speaking to him- now that I have I feel loads better. This is bad. I don't want to feel this way (well, I do want to feel better obviously, but not because I've spoken to MM!!)