WildSunshine Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 I've gotten myself into a horribly messy situation. Background: I currently have an on-and-off boyfriend of three years. Lately we have been perfect and he's been laying the groundwork of our future together. I have also been planning on backpacking through Europe for 8 months. During this time, my boyfriend and I mutually agree that it's best if we're apart for this (we both need attention and don't want to risk not getting enough causing us to break up abroad and have it be messy) So it's better in the long run because we're only 22 and maybe should explore more before settling down. Two weeks ago, my roommate hosted a German couchsurfer who was only supposed to stay one night -- then he was to fly to Australia because he's getting his PhD over there. Well, my roommate dropped him off late, he missed his flight, so he came with me for a week to my hometown (I'm in college) and met my family, my boyfriend, everyone. We had an amazing time. He rescheduled his flight back and the night before he basically confessed that he wants to be with me -- he knows it's crazy but he sees himself with me, he wants to try us out, etc. He also bought me a $1800 flight to Australia to see him in February (my Europe trip starts in March). If I were single, I'd go in a heartbeat. If I weren't breaking up with my boyfriend for Europe, I wouldn't go at all. I don't think I want to take the money/ticket because I'd feel obligated -- so he says how about we meet up in Thailand, have an adventure together and see how that goes. I don't have the money really -- but I can't help thinking that I'm SO young and what if I don't get an opportunity like this again? I know the German sounds kinda crazy but his mentality is "I like you, why not go for you." THOUGHTS? I'm so lost on what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 Go to Australia. You won't lose your boyfriend because of that, right? He's already counted on you having experiences around the world... and he's fine with it. In fact, you don't break up with someone you love because you won't hear from them as often... You can keep the bond. If you break it, it's because you both want to be free for a while, free to be with other people and do whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WildSunshine Posted December 1, 2012 Author Share Posted December 1, 2012 Justwhoiam: Thanks for the response I guess what I'm scared of, is my boyfriend thinks that we're breaking up because of experiences in general (which is true), not because of this specific guy. I think it would really hurt him if he thought I was leaving him for a particular person (who he has met) rather than like... experiences in general? Maybe that would F it up in the future for us? Cause it's like, who knows! Maybe this German is the love of my life, or maybe I'm supposed to be with my boyfriend... or maybe neither. How will I know about the German without ruining it with my boyfriend? Aye haha. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 I'm sure your b/f would agree "exploring the world" is one thing; "exploring the world of men" is something completely different. What you want is to have your cake and eat it, too. If you want to see if "the German" has any relationship potential then you need to do it as a free and single woman -- not behind your b/f's back. Put yourself in his shoes: How would you feel if your b/f was not being honest with you, exploring relationships with other women, and keeping you in the picture as his good 'ol reliable, back-up plan? Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 If you want to see if "the German" has any relationship potential then you need to do it as a free and single woman -- not behind your b/f's back. You're missing the point. He's setting her free for 8 months. I say make it 9 and you're settled. This drive about making new experiences, even sexually, before you get married and spend 50+ years with someone, must mean something, on both sides. When you only have eyes for your man and are head over heels in love, you wouldn't even dream of being with someone else. So in this case the drive to explore is stronger. Then go for it. If you don't do it now that you're 20, you'll regret it later on. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 At 22, you are ready to explore and - speaking from experience - aren't ready to commit to anyone. Many of us who have been around don't believe in "love of our life" and see that it is possible to love many people. OP, you are going to change a LOT in the next decade and I'm willing to bet $1,000 you aren't going to spend the rest of your life with either your current on/off BF or the German. Explore, learn, and don't tie yourself to anyone for a long, long time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WildSunshine Posted December 1, 2012 Author Share Posted December 1, 2012 CarrieT: That thought is actually refreshing, and actually something my grandma (who is awesome) said about this I'm starting to think it's very possible to think that you can still love someone -- but simultaneously want to explore. Justwhoiam: Thank you again -- I think you're right. I'm not ready, and I do have a drive to explore sexually/emotionally and just be up for the adventure. TMichaels: I think that's the problem I'm facing and I'm not sure if you read, but I posted about it in a reply earlier. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend so badly and f it up for my future. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 You're missing the point. He's setting her free for 8 months. I say make it 9 and you're settled. Ah, no... That's NOT what she said. What she said was: "If I were single, I'd go in a heartbeat. " She's not "free" (yet). She and her b/f "have plans" to let each other go their merry ways for eight months beginning in March. That's her b/f's understanding of the situation. He has no clue that she's already contemplating "exploring" a possible relationship with someone whom he also has met/knows prior to her backpacking trip. MY point is: If that's what she wants (to change the terms of their "agreement") she needs to come clean and break off her relationship with her b/f NOW as opposed leading him on thinking nothing has changed. There's a big difference between putting your relationship on hold while your SO goes off on a backpacking adventure to see the world during which he/she may or may not hook up with someone else... VERSUS thinking you're in a relationship with someone only to learn that they've been exploring their feelings about and making plans to hook up with someone else while you're in a relationship WITH them. Her b/f agreed to take a chance on the former scenario; I doubt he'd be thrilled to learn/hear about the latter. After all, what does that say about her and what's she considers most important? Her own happiness above all else -- and the heck with anyone else's? Knowing that, do you think that's the kind of person he'd want to spend the rest of his life with? It certainly would give me reason to pause. Don't get me wrong. The two of them are young. Spending the rest of one's life wondering "what if" is a anguishing way to live (and love). I have no problem with the idea of the two of them "sowing their wild oats" before they settle down and I think they were wise to agree to a break during her trip. But, I do have a problem with her not being 100% upfront with her current b/f and breaking things off with him before the mutually agreed-upon backpacking trip hiatus if she seriously wants to explore what this German guy is all about or anyone else for that matter that may appear on the scene in the next few months. Bottom line? Honesty is always the best policy. And so is listening to your gut. The OP wouldn't be questioning what to do if she was 100% sure about her current relationship and what she wants to do with her life. What I am am suggesting is that she come to grips with that and be honest with herself and her b/f and do what she wants with a clear conscience. She owes that to herself as well as to her current b/f who deserves equal consideration and respect -- especially since by her own admission he's already been "laying the groundwork for their future together." IMO, to do otherwise is just selfish, duplicitous and cruel -- and certainly not going to up her chances that her b/f and she will be able to pick up the pieces later if that's what both of them decide they want to do down the line. Best, TMichaels 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WildSunshine Posted December 1, 2012 Author Share Posted December 1, 2012 [quote= There's a big difference between putting your relationship on hold while your SO goes off on a backpacking adventure to see the world during which he/she may or may not hook up with someone else... VERSUS thinking you're in a relationship with someone only to learn that they've been exploring their feelings about and making plans to hook up with someone else while you're in a relationship WITH them. This is where my biggest source of guilt and contention comes from. I know there is a huge difference, but I don't know how to go with my gut AND remain on good terms with my boyfriend. I feel horrible, and so guilty. I have no idea what to do or how to fix things. Or shape them in a way that doesn't hurt someone. Her b/f agreed to take a chance on the former scenario; I doubt he'd be thrilled to learn/hear about the latter. After all, what does that say about her and what's she considers most important? Her own happiness above all else -- and the heck with anyone else's? Knowing that, do you think that's the kind of person he'd want to spend the rest of his life with? It certainly would give me reason to pause. Sigh. Exactly my problem. I wouldn't want to be with me if I found out about this either. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 That's why you need to make it 9 months instead of 8. I didn't think you would cheat behind his back. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 That's why you need to make it 9 months instead of 8. I didn't think you would cheat behind his back. If you mean by that that she needs to come clean with her boyfriend, then I agree with you. But I agree most solidly with TMichaels that if she's already contemplating and planning to explore things with the other guy, that she really shouldn't pretend like her current relationship is still "up and running" until March (or even February.) If she's already got a guy in the wings (and an airplane ticket in her underwear drawer) then I think she should start the "break" now. As to what she can tell her current boyfriend to make this all OK, I don't know how that would work. Try reversing the roles. If he had found himself in this same predicament, how would you feel about it? Would there be anything he could say, any way he could convince you to make it OK? Would you want him to go on pretending everything is normal - while he's got a plane ticket waiting until February - and then spring it on you at that point? Or would you rather he come clean now, as soon as he's planning this? Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 If your gut wants to go to Australia to see the German, do it. You have to break-up with your boyfriend though. TMichaels is right. You cannot have a "hiatus" in your relationship with your boyfriend. You have to let go of this "future" in order to be truly free to explore what you need to. You cannot control how your BF will react to what you do with mr German guy or with anybody else. Your BF might meet someone new while you are away anyway, and if you are happy to take the risk then you take it. You can't have it both ways. If your BF and you are meant to be... you can reconnect later in your lives. You just need to end the relationship on good terms. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Let your boyfriend know that you should both date others while you are apart. If neither of you find someone they like more, then your bond will be even stronger and you will be less likely to be tempted by others in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Let your boyfriend know that you should both date others while you are apart. I don't really understand: what other reason would make anyone break up with their girlfriend while she's abroad? I'm not sure if laziness not to keep in touch would be worse or better than the option, that is so that both can have stories on the side. Which is not on the side because... they broke up on purpose! It's like: hey, I won a trip to Las Vegas, I think we shouldn't keep the "bond" while I'm there. All this thinking that the current boyfriend is so committed... sorry, but I don't really see it. I guess guys around here would know what I'm talking about. He too wants to take advantage of those months to be single and do whatever. @Trimmer: they agreed on something. So yes, that's what I meant. And I agree with you. Link to post Share on other sites
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