How much parental pressure to study?

[Silly_Girl]

Son just turned 16. His social life has really taken off in the last 6 months. He's so busy, and happy. It's really wonderful to see.

 

He has mock exams soon, and then the real thing in the summer. I am feeling frustrated at his lack of commitment to schoolwork. As a teen I personally disengaged with school for a variety of reasons at 13 or 14 years old and left as soon as was legal. As a result I had a second education where many years of nightschool (and zero social life) meant I qualified and am now a decent earner.

 

On the one hand I want to encourage him to work, and offer support and assistance and show my commitment. On the other hand he's 16 and I can't (and won't) do this for him. I have tried to encourage him to take adult decisions over issues in his life, quite big things, I won't then treat him like a child and micro-manage him where his education is concerned. My sister (mum of a 6 year old who has generally been more chilled than me and didn't do well at school) interestingly was slightly haughty on the subject and said she would use punishments and grounding, take away phone and check Internet history and be ON him if he were her son.

 

These important years at school though, there's 4 of them. This is the 2nd one. I won't turn our home in to a battleground because I truly believe me being as strident as my sister suggests would merely cause him to turn off from his work even more.

 

However, I know that time and effort now could really mean a lot in terms of his prospects, and I would hate for him to have to start all over again like I pretty much did. Already he's way more motivated than I was, and he's planning to stay on to 6th form which is a good thing.

 

How did you support/encourage/force your child(ren) to study and to maximise their educational opportunities and looking back, would you change anything? Many thanks!

[mammasita]

Lead by example. I'm not always good at it, but it's a good strategy.....and secondly positive reinforcement. My son is 11 now and I guarantee what I'm telling you here will be in full effect in my house.

 

Since he is 16 and his social life is blooming. Bribe him lol, but don't tell him you're bribing him. Yeah it sounds ****ty, but there is nothing wrong with rewarding your child with things he wants in exchange for good grades and dedicated study time. He doesn't make his own money yet, right? If he does its certainly not enough to buy the trendy things and/electronics that teenagers like.

 

"If you get a B or above on your test, I will reward you with the new Xbox game/shoes/jeans."

 

Or even levels of rewards. Get a B, I'll give you 20 dollars. Get an A, I'll give you 40 (or whatever amount is feasible for you)

[Silly_Girl]

We have that, pounds for grades, but my son isn't really interested in cash or things! He doesn't ask for anything and doesn't care for designer gear.

 

He wants a MacBook though.... Maybe I'll have to think of something related to that.

[Radagast]

What are his post-school plans? How concrete are they?

 

My son, although bright, struggled at school because of emotional issues and earned a reputation during high school for being disruptive and averse to authority. Neither pressure nor bribery could evoke the slightest interest in schoolwork. However once his home situation stabilised he was able to think beyond the immediate and discovered a belated passion for performing. Instead of simply choosing "easy" subjects for A-levels as he had for GCSEs he thought about what subjects would best help him to get into the drama school of his choice, and what grades he would require, and worked really hard to get those. The change was remarkable.

 

If your lad has a passionate interest he wishes to follow after leaving school, it would be much easier for him to focus on what he needs in order to achieve that. But many kids of that age have yet to find what truly engages them, and if this is the case with your son it might help him to explore the sorts of futures he might wish to consider, as a first step towards developing the motivation to achieve the required grades. And if he's wanting to go on to university, knowing that the magical A A B grades will allow him entry almost anywhere might help too.

 

But if nothing does the trick, it's also worth remembering that it's not the end of the world if he doesn't get the grades he wants. He can retake any subjects he does badly in to improve his results if he needs to, or follow your own path of returning to education as a mature learner to improve his prospects. Doing well in GCSEs and A-levels is no guarantee that it will be plain sailing for him or that he will choose the right path on leaving school.

 

Some people take longer to figure it out than others, and what's really important in my view is that he's happy, and that he accepts that there will be consequences for his choices whichever way he makes them. If he chooses to focus on his studies and compromises his social life, he needs to accept that the risk is that he may land up with good grades, many options for work or study but fewer friends to celebrate the achievement with. Or he may choose to focus on his social life and risk having to spend a couple of years packing shelves in M&S while retaking his A-levels in order to get into the course he discovers he'd really like to enroll in. Either way there are risks and rewards, and he needs to decide which set of consequences he's more willing to face.