NorCalSarah Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Hi all, I new here. N E ways Here is it: My boyfiend of 2 yrs wont tell me I am attractive, sexy or compliment me AT ALL. Reason being: He thinks Im fat. I know I am, but not totaly grossly fat. 5'7'' 190lbs. Soo I joined a gym, I have been going everyday. I have lost 2lbs so far. Not much but its been a week. I plan on continueing working out and really enjoy it. Problem Is: Boyfriend still degrating me about my weight, he's never had a weight problem so he doesnt understand it takes a little while. And he is not encouraging me to excercise, I am self motivated but I would like him to take interest. He makes comments about me going to the gym to look for another man. Not true! I just want my man to look at me!! When I tell him how he is hurtung my feelings, he says he is too tired from work, changes the subject, or rudly says "I'll apologise if you thinks it matters." Please Help! How can I get compliments without begging for them????[color=darkred][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 dump him and get a man that cares about you. My husband does this, and I'm 5'5 130lbs. He doesn't nag as much as he used to, but he'll always comment on my weight. I get sick of hearing it, and I've told him so. Why are you with someone that makes you feel bad about yourself? I married mine, so I'm trying to work on it, but you have an easy out...you are just dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 How do you teach an insensitive, unaware, unkind person to be nice? I dunno. It's kind of like teaching a pig to sing, isn't it? (I think the old saying goes "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It will only frustrate you and annoy the pig") On a serious note, this guy doesn't sound like a prize. My thought is you DUMP his ass, work on feeling and looking GREAT and find someone who respects you for YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Kasey70 Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I agree with the above posters. DUMP HIM an move on. I'm sure that may be easier said than done. However, you deserve to be with someone who loves you for you and doesn't make those kinds of remarks. Sounds to me like he has some self-esteem issues, and thats why he is saying what he is saying to you. There are some people who when they don't feel good about themselves will say hurtful things to others to make them feel superior about themselves. Then again there are some people that are plain a**H***'s. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NorCalSarah Posted August 9, 2004 Author Share Posted August 9, 2004 I tried to post this already but I am not sure if it will show or not. Anyways: In a way we are already married. We live together. I had an affair in March because I got attention from someone else. I moved out, he begged for me back, and I moved back in. Because the OM worked with me he made me quit my job. I know he loves me but is this the way he is or insecurity? I know it is not all from the affair because this stuff was going on before. Link to post Share on other sites
feesh13 Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 My best friend has the same problem it's been going on for a couple years and I don't think it will ever stop. I told her my piece on it a few times when it first started but she would get mad at me and defend him saying she could handle it. Now when she says anything I just nod and agree with whatever she's saying. Point it, it's probably not going to change. He's like the food police and if they go out to eat he makes her get something healthy. For her bday he bought her a South Beach Diet book, and has even said I'm a bad influence when it comes to food. She hides everything she eats from him constantly and if we go out she'll say "Don't tell him I ate this or that we went here" We all went out as a group last week and she was elated because he "let her" get fetuccini alfredo. They got engaged last month and have recently bought a house togther so now she has to put up with it even more. Get someone who makes you feel happy being you no matter what you look like on the outside or you'll end up like my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NorCalSarah Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 It is soo easy to say but hard to do. He loves my son, and he says he loves me. But if he loves me why cant he say the simple things like "you look nice today." Luckly he doesnt control what I eat. The frusterating thing is, he says I'm fat then goes to get us Ice Cream! And if I am actullay in the mood for it, and have it without him, he bugs me about it. I have stopped buying it all together. Im afraid of I piss him off he will take the gym away. Do you guys know of a productive way to speak my mind? I tried last night but I ended up playing the abuser and insulting him. Not good, ya know. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Analyzer Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 "Do you guys know of a productive way to speak my mind?" Yes, tell him you do not appreciate what he is saying to you, that it is hurtful, and you will not tolerate him saying those things. Another thing you could do, is turn the tables. I know thats mean, but its not any worse than what he is saying to you. Make comments about him. Give him a dose of his on medicine and see how he likes it. I know that sounds childish, but sometimes it works. What he is doing is a form of mental abuse. He is controling. He wants you to feel so bad about yourself that you will feel the need to stay with him and be dependent on him. Chances are he will not change. He is getting something out of what he is saying to you, or he wouldn't keep doing it. By you staying with him, you are allowing him to continue or get away with what he is doing. You are better than this and don't need it. Wake up and do something about it, or expect this to be your life. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
binturong Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Living together is NOT marriage. I'd strongly suggest getting out of the relationship ASAP. That man is way too controlling and even if you were married, you would do better getting a divorce. You're afraid of making him mad because he might take the gym away from you? How can he do that? Do you not pay your own way? I'm getting married in a little bit and have been living with my DF for 5 years now and never in that time would it have been okay for him to TELL me to do X or else he'll take away one of my things. You are not a child, to be punished by your BF like that. You are your own person, and his threats have no place in your relationship. Besides, if he finds you so unattractive, why is he still with you? 2 years is a small price to pay for being able to live your own life. Sorry to be so blunt, but it almost makes me physically ill to hear things like "He won't let me eat this" or "He'll take away my hobby if I don't listen to him." You buying yourself ice cream or going to the gym have NOTHING to do with him and everything to do with you. It's your RIGHT to treat yourself and to be healthy. Why should anyone be allowed to take that away? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NorCalSarah Posted August 11, 2004 Author Share Posted August 11, 2004 I am not saying that I want to leave him want to try and work it out before I have to resort to that. Do you know of any steps to take? I have just wrote him a letter about a few things an dhope that he reads it. But after that, whats next??? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Marriage counseling, and lots of it. Link to post Share on other sites
grgbarnes Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 The reality is that guys (I'm a white guy, so Asians, Blacks and Latinos are not represented here) look at women with full breasts (B, C or D) and skinny waists, a flat stomach and thin legs... A little here and there isn't bad, but you need to lose about 40 pounds before you can even approach being "hot." Three things to lose weight: 1) don't eat anything after 8 PM, 2) exercise 5x a week, and 3) cut back on carbohydrates, eat rice at breakfast, no carbs at all for dinner, eat meat and veggies and drink tons of water (no booze at all)...in 60 days you will be 20 pounds less... I went from 257 to 223 in 3 weeks...good to be "me" again. You can do it...and if you look that good, you could lose the jerk and find another better man! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
binturong Posted August 13, 2004 Share Posted August 13, 2004 ROFLMAO. I'm sorry, but you're so full of it, grgbarnes. You speak for yourself, not for men, not even for white men. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted August 13, 2004 Share Posted August 13, 2004 I reiterate... don't try to teach pigs to sing. Leave the pig be in his pen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NorCalSarah Posted August 13, 2004 Author Share Posted August 13, 2004 grgbarnes: I am guessing you are a single womanizer? I dont think all men are this way, are they?? N E ways I have been going to the gym 5/6 days a week. Big results aren't happening right away, but I do feel more energized. But it hasnt been changing my relationship for the better. He thinks I am going to find someone else. Oh well, I think he will change his mind when I am smaller and still with him. Link to post Share on other sites
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