Is it normal to have irrational hatred towards the BS

[justcantletgo]

I feel like it was her fault that I am not with my soulmate. Used their 3 small kids as a reason for him to stick around and work on their marriage. He told me repeatedly that he no longer loves her but me and me alone. I have this intense urge to send her all his sweet emails and love letters for me just to see how she'll react but a part of me wants to move on and leave them alone:sick:

[MissBee]

I feel like it was her fault that I am not with my soulmate. Used their 3 small kids as a reason for him to stick around and work on their marriage. He told me repeatedly that he no longer loves her but me and me alone. I have this intense urge to send her all his sweet emails and love letters for me just to see how she'll react but a part of me wants to move on and leave them alone:sick:

 

At least you know it's irrational.

 

But yes, I do think many people experience irrational hatred towards the BS. We see it all the time. Some are forthright, like yourself, that it is irrational but acknowledge that they feel it...others stew in this hate but it's more insidious and is more witnessed in subtle ways of always bringing up the BS's faults or how much they are better/an improvement or where they constantly seek to make negative categorical statements about "BSs" as one monolithic group. I think that is a form of irrational hatred as well, except some don't even acknowledge it and go as far as to say the BS didn't matter...yet all the negatives they often bring up show that this person does matter and you clearly aren't neutral or indifferent but feel very strongly in a negative way about her.

 

In single relationships too, often when people break up, women will hate the new partner, even if this person does not know them. It's often jealousy or misplaced anger. It's normal but hopefully you grow from that point and see how it's irrational and how she isn't making him do anything...he's choosing it. He chose to have an affair, if his W had so much power to control him, wouldn't she seek to exercise it BEFORE he even has an A? Your MM chose and affair and chose not to leave...and sadly, many MM get into affairs NOT because they want to get divorced, but they want a gf and a wife or they truly had no 'Affair plan" they just went along with a feeling or desire and that's as far as it was thought out. Most don't admit this though and string OW along or simply stay mum about it and OW simply assume he must want out. It works out for many MM when the OW believes the wife is trapping him. In that way he is not the bad guy, he's just a martyr and the OW can coddle him and feel bad for him and "support him" against his evil wife. It's rather silly and hilarious when you think of it.

 

I didn't hate the BS in my situation, but I do understand the feeling, as I have felt jealousy and misplaced anger at an ex's current gf before. Because I felt, rather irrationally, that if it wasn't for her, we'd be reconciling. I KNEW it was insane but I felt it. It was not hatred though and I quickly realized that she had nothing to do with anything. I think your feelings are normal and so long as you acknowledge their irrationality and focus on your MM's choices and lack thereof, you might eventually see the silliness and hilarity in it too and it'll help you to let go of the hate for her, focus your anger on him and then eventually move on from both of them.

Edited December 2, 2012 by MissBee

[veryhappy]

It's normal. Don't act on it.

 

Give it a few months and it will start to fade. You'll put more of the blame oh him, and less and less on her.

 

I didn't quite hate BW in my case, but when things ended she was hardly one of my favorite people. She did play her sweet manipulative games, but what was she supposed to do? I was expecting that, because the family is her everything. It was his choice to stay and be with her.

 

If you click on my profile, there's a thread about how one feels when the A ends.

[Tenacity]

It is normal to blame her because it's harder to blame him. You don't want to admit that he is the one who instigated this because you then have to be upset at him, question him, and question yourself in all of this.

 

She did not instigate this. No matter what you think of her, or what you have been told by him that he thinks of her... she did not make this decision and she does not deserve this. Your anger should be redirected at your ex-MM and your thinking should be redirected at why you let yourself get in this situation.

 

Remember... she thinks he is her soulmate too (I hate that word, but okay). And she has a marriage and three small kids to justify it and all you have is words of an ex-MM who obviously did not take actions consistent with his words. HE chose to stay.

 

It does not matter if you believe, or are led to believe, that she is the Wicked Witch of the West, or that she isn't a good wife to him, or whatever. She is STILL his wife and that is his decision. It is very likely that what you were told/what you know is not anywhere near the full story or truth.

 

As others have said, accept this phase as normal and let it go. You need to get to the acceptance stage and recognize that the reason you are feeling this way is because of ex-MM and you - not because of her.

[Tenacity]

I feel like it was her fault that I am not with my soulmate. Used their 3 small kids as a reason for him to stick around and work on their marriage. He told me repeatedly that he no longer loves her but me and me alone. I have this intense urge to send her all his sweet emails and love letters for me just to see how she'll react but a part of me wants to move on and leave them alone:sick:

 

You can let her know of the affair if that's what you choose to do, but don't do it because you think "she will react" in any certain way that will lead you to end up with ex-MM. It is not likely that it will happen that way. If anything it will likely just throw them together in hysterical bonding. From your message it sounded like you were thinking that sending all of this information to her would result in your winning him back. Usually not.

 

But yes, some would say she deserves to know the truth, although not because you want to hurt her. If you choose to go that route, don't do it because you think you will personally gain anything by it.

[Pierre]

I feel like it was her fault that I am not with my soulmate. Used their 3 small kids as a reason for him to stick around and work on their marriage. He told me repeatedly that he no longer loves her but me and me alone. I have this intense urge to send her all his sweet emails and love letters for me just to see how she'll react but a part of me wants to move on and leave them alone:sick:

 

What this guy said to you is meaningless. At the end of the day you need to pay attention to his actions. He probably felt those romantic words when he said them, but this was done within the affair compartment. These folks can live in different compartments.

 

Once the affair compartment breaks down the words lose their meaning because now the context is different.

 

Don't buy into the concept that betrayed women have special powers over these men and they cannot leave. Don't buy that garbage! This guy is free to leave and there is nothing the wife can do. No person can own another person. Slavery is ilegal!

 

Go NC 100%. Do not blame the wife, that is useless energy.

[Pierre]

I feel like it was her fault that I am not with my soulmate.

 

Please stop the "soulmate" words, It is a very old cliché in EMRs and does not have special meaning. Be strong and use this as a learning experience. This was not about you or the BW.

Edited December 2, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

I feel like it was her fault that I am not with my soulmate. Used their 3 small kids as a reason for him to stick around and work on their marriage. He told me repeatedly that he no longer loves her but me and me alone. I have this intense urge to send her all his sweet emails and love letters for me just to see how she'll react but a part of me wants to move on and leave them alone:sick:

 

It's obvious he's been lying to her and to you. This guy is a shi,t piece of work!

 

This isn't her fault okay..I get that you feel she's standing in your way, your happiness with him, but truly HE IS THE ONE who is preventing you two from being together full time. This sounds like a man who has no intention of leaving his wife, divorcing and starting over with you, with three kids in tow.

 

If he wanted to divorce, he would..He hasn't and that's on him.

 

Hope one day you realize he ain't worth it and let go, grieve the loss so you can find a man who will love only you, a man who will not cheat on you, lie to you, betray you.. This guy you love is scummy and a proven liar/cheater/manipulator and betrayer. IF they divorce one day he could be yours.. Some prize he is. ..

[woinlove]

I have not felt this myself, and it has been something that puzzled me, seeing it here on LS and the intensity it can have. Even though I didn't have much empathy for the BW, I felt she had good reason not to like me and my decisions. I expected anger from her, not the other way around. MissBee's post helps me understand better why so many OW may feel differently, because I have felt jealousy toward a new gf of an ex, felt like I didn't like her even though I didn't know her personally.

 

As others say, the fact that you recognize it as irrational is good and I think you should accept those feelings, all the feelings you have, just don't act on them. MM is where he wants to be or he would not be there. His reasons are not that important and he may not fully understand them himself.

 

As far, as providing the BW with the truth, that is a different matter to discuss, but I think any action you take that is done out of hate and misplaced anger, will likely cause you more pain. So I'd focus on taking care of yourself and getting to a healthier frame of mind, then think about other factors, such as whether you want to give her the truth.

[Spark1111]

Yes, it is very normal in the triangle dynamic to have a victim, rescuer (these two roles are interchangeable) and persecuter.

 

It is very easy to cast the MAP as the victimwhenthey return to the marriage as you have been convinced from the onset of the affair that his wife is the is the big,bad wolf still.

 

YOU will now become the big bad wolf in their marriage for awhile, if she knows of you. In fact, he will now help foster this view.

 

How he spoke of her to you is how he will speak of you to her.

 

The only manipulator in the triangle is him. But you already knew that.

[woinlove]

I think it's pretty normal for people to hate the person who is with someone that they feel "belongs to them" so yeah.

 

You called him your soulmate, so you're angry at her for stealing your boyfriend. She'd be angry at you for being involved with her husband. It's just the way it works. You don't say how long you'd been together.

 

I'm not sure it is this simple as the two situations are not so symmetrical. I knew he was married when I got involved with him and his BW knew nothing of my existence at that time. From her perspective, she knew I chose to get involved with her H and knew she was being deceived. These facts influenced how I thought about her and I knew my actions were contributing to MM deceiving and betraying her. That had an affect on me, even though I didn't feel much empathy for her at the time.

 

I still feel there is something more behind the questions raised by the OP than simply a symmetrical response to what the BW feels. Maybe if the two women first met and got involved with a man at the same time, it would be as simple as symmetrical.

 

Anyway, as I said, I've never felt this toward a BW, and I still don't completely understand it. I suspect there must be some more complex mix, involving guilt, wanting to feel good about oneself and justify the A, etc. But, these are just guesses.

[woinlove]

Ahhhh... see, but the question is about irrational feelings, not logic.

 

I think that despite all the differences we see on these forums, we can all agree that feelings don't always follow a logical train of thought right?

So just because maybe you SHOULDN'T feel something doesn't mean you won't. She asked if it was normal to feel it and many people do, so I'd say yes, it falls into the parameters of normal.

 

I completely agree that many OW feel this, as we see it here on LS. I'm not one to say one should or shouldn't feel something, as I think more is gained by accepting one's feelings, and also trying to understand them. I was commenting on the understanding part as I think justcantletgo can benefit both from being reassured that her feelings are "normal" and to accept them, and also to understand those feelings a bit and what drives them. I do think there is something more complex than a mirror image of the BW.

[truthbetold]

OP, In YOUR case I don't know if it's irrational or not as the whole thing with your MM is built on irrationality.

 

You've mentioned you already told his wife everything to which you claim that she's now taken away all electronic access for him to contact you. Does that really seem in this day and age that she could do that?

 

I think he was just caught up in the fantasy of it all. I'm not sure why after 1.5 years you didn't meet and even went as far as to plan a marriage seriously when you never even met face to face! That's why the whole thing seems irrational.

 

In the future if you go the online route, you should plan to meet someone sooner, in a time frame of 6 weeks or so that way you can verify what you were told is true. If you can't do that, then realistically don't consider guys that are out of your geographic range. If you do that then you wouldn't have irrational jealousy towards people that you never met.

[xxoo]

I feel like it was her fault that I am not with my soulmate. Used their 3 small kids as a reason for him to stick around and work on their marriage. He told me repeatedly that he no longer loves her but me and me alone. I have this intense urge to send her all his sweet emails and love letters for me just to see how she'll react but a part of me wants to move on and leave them alone:sick:

 

Your soul mate is a liar who cheats on his wife?

 

No, that can't be. Value yourself more than that!

[cocorico]

I think it's pretty normal for people to hate the person who is with someone that they feel "belongs to them" so yeah.

 

Sometimes it's natural to have an irrational hatred of the BS. Sometimes it's natural to have a rational hatred towards the BS. Other times hatred is less natural. It depends on circumstances.

 

In your case though, what you're expressing seems more like resentment than hatred, with perhaps some envy. And given the circumstances, that would be perfectly natural. Many people resent someone who "wins" someone or something they considered due to themself. You often see this when someone is bypassed for promotion, for example.

 

That said, the question is, what do you plan to do about that? Remain resentful and feed the anger and disappointment, or overcome the negativity and move on with your life? That would be more telling IMO about how "natural" your response is. Some people choose to wear their hurt and disappointment like armour, holding up a shield of outrage. Years, even decades, on, they still brandish their pain as sharply as the day they felt it. Others spin it into silk and weave works of great beauty. You'll find examples of both kinds of people on these fora, and can get a taste of whether you'd rather live in joy or in bitterness.

 

Vent away, but remember that what happens with your anger / hurt / resentment / "hatred" is up to you in the long run. (((Hugs)))

[underwater2010]

Please send her all the stuff. Then you will realize that he feed you lines to keep you coming back. He will chose her. Majority of the men do. And please realize that those are his kids and that is why he is willing to stay with her. You DO NOT have that bond with him. Please direct your anger at him and yourself.

[OpenBook]

Sometimes it's natural to have an irrational hatred of the BS. Sometimes it's natural to have a rational hatred towards the BS. Other times hatred is less natural. It depends on circumstances.

 

In your case though, what you're expressing seems more like resentment than hatred, with perhaps some envy. And given the circumstances, that would be perfectly natural. Many people resent someone who "wins" someone or something they considered due to themself. You often see this when someone is bypassed for promotion, for example.

 

That said, the question is, what do you plan to do about that? Remain resentful and feed the anger and disappointment, or overcome the negativity and move on with your life? That would be more telling IMO about how "natural" your response is. Some people choose to wear their hurt and disappointment like armour, holding up a shield of outrage. Years, even decades, on, they still brandish their pain as sharply as the day they felt it. Others spin it into silk and weave works of great beauty. You'll find examples of both kinds of people on these fora, and can get a taste of whether you'd rather live in joy or in bitterness.

 

Vent away, but remember that what happens with your anger / hurt / resentment / "hatred" is up to you in the long run. (((Hugs)))

 

Wish I could "like" this post a million times. Words to live by!!

[2sure]

Your MM wanted to stop the affair and just be freinds when you discovered he was married. And you were right at that point to expose the affair to his wife, freinds and family.

 

There just isn't any more for you to do. It isn't his wife keeping him from you. It's just him. He lies , has an active fantasy life, and cannot deal with conflict.

 

You've told his wife. Her reaction isn't something you can take part in.

[justcantletgo]

The man was lying to you saying he was divorced the entire time you were "together" until you caught him and told his wife and family. Therefore, she didn't use their kids to make him "stay" because he never had any intention on leaving.

 

 

The thing is, when I sent her my first email together with my proofs such as sweet chat archives and videos of him confessing how much he loves me during our 18 months intense EA, she thanked me for the information and then went on to tell me "maybe he's getting divorced now though" and then on her next email, revealed that they are seeking MC help and told me "right now, I'm not even sure if we can salvage this" and after that, I have never heard from her or him again. I honestly felt like she was giving me "false hopes", making it sound that they won't make it, so I would stand by or something for her WH.

 

Plus the fact that she bluntly told me on her very last email to "get over it!! it's done now, move on!!!" in a very condescending manner when I asked if I could speak to him one last time just to get some kind of closure from him for my own healng has made me resentful of how ungrateful she is, and I lost all my sympathy for her just like that. He was probably still cheating on her behind her back if I didn't expose him. So yeah, it's not like my hatred towards her is baseless. But don't be mistaken that I don't hate her manipulating, lying husband too.

[justcantletgo]

Your interpretation of your communications is disturbing and warped to say the least.

 

Based on all your previous threads here that I have just read - have you considered seeking professional help?

 

 

How is it disturbing and warped? She was clearly giving me false hopes. When he was still pretending to be divorced, he used to tell me he will only go back to her for the kid's sake and the claimed he wants to get a divorce when everything was out in the open when I already knew he would never leave her coz of the finances and their small kids? Thanks but I don't think I need professional help.

[truthbetold]

The thing is, when I sent her my first email together with my proofs such as sweet chat archives and videos of him confessing how much he loves me during our 18 months intense EA, she thanked me for the information and then went on to tell me "maybe he's getting divorced now though" and then on her next email, revealed that they are seeking MC help and told me "right now, I'm not even sure if we can salvage this" and after that, I have never heard from her or him again. I honestly felt like she was giving me "false hopes", making it sound that they won't make it, so I would stand by or something for her WH.

 

Plus the fact that she bluntly told me on her very last email to "get over it!! it's done now, move on!!!" in a very condescending manner when I asked if I could speak to him one last time just to get some kind of closure from him for my own healng has made me resentful of how ungrateful she is, and I lost all my sympathy for her just like that. He was probably still cheating on her behind her back if I didn't expose him. So yeah, it's not like my hatred towards her is baseless. But don't be mistaken that I don't hate her manipulating, lying husband too.

 

:eek: Exactly why should she be grateful?

 

You're never going to get closure from them. He saw it as a game as crappy as that is. It was never based in reality. I highly doubt she's keeping him chained in a basement. More like he got caught in some fun escapism and ran back with his tail between his legs.

 

Look at it this way. Even *if* he did keep his balls in her purse and he LET her keep him captive, why would you want such a spineless jellyfish for a mate?

 

Keep moving forward and don't look back.

[truthbetold]

Please consider getting help.

 

OP You know believe it or not I was trying to be nice to you. I'm not a BW or OW and not bitter in the least.

 

I just think it's sad that you're wasting your life like this, but your choice.

 

Alice's advice isn't so far fetched if you really "can't let go".

 

But perhaps you prefer fantasy to reality as evidenced by your other posts, so carry on and good luck to you in finding your way to reality.

[justcantletgo]

:eek: Exactly why should she be grateful?

Because I am pretty sure he will keep on cheating on her with me had I not become suspicious enough and didn't run a background check on him. We were actually about to meet and spend vacation together when I exposed what I found out.

 

@Alice, I sincerely think you need it more.

[justcantletgo]

Um I actually have a new boyfriend already and we do live together. So yeah I was still really stuck in this fantasy and wasn't doing anything to move on

 

Thing is, he (and the whole thing) still occupies my mind a lot and that kinda confuses me.

[truthbetold]

Because I am pretty sure he will keep on cheating on her with me had I not become suspicious enough and didn't run a background check on him. We were actually about to meet and spend vacation together when I exposed what I found out.

 

@Alice, I sincerely think you need it more.

 

And in your case that sucks to find out he was married/lying. But don't you think you should have verified what he was telling you before a year? It just seems naive in this day and age to not be able to verify something and keep believing something for a year plus. Unfortunately there are people on the internet ready to take advantage of. I understand in some ways it's much worse than it was even a few years ago.

 

That's why my first advice was if you ever go the internet route again to verify things sooner rather than later to avoid "some" of the pain.