Which one of us is crazy?

[redtomato]

Background: been together on/off 10 yrs. Lived together first 5 yrs. Lived apart last 5 yrs. Moved back in together last June.

 

She works from home answering medical calls. I am on perm. disability and have been the last 5 yrs. Prior to my disability, I always had a job. She was off/on on jobs. My last job I was a truck driver. The last 3 yrs she lived w/ me, she was going to school.

 

This is the first time she's had her teenage son live with her full time.

 

I pay the mortgage, half the groceries and anything for my animals. She pays the utilities, half the groceries and whatever bills she has.

 

The issue? Cleaning.

 

She refuses to make her son clean his room. It looks like a tornado has hit it. His sheets have been washed once, in Sept., because I'm the one who washed them.

She said I can ask him to clean his bathroom and that's it. I asked him on Thurs. to clean it. I wrote down detailed instructions, still had to check behind him 3 times and I was so irritated by then that I just gave up. I don't know if he doesn't care, if he really doesn't know how to clean or if he's lazy. I don't understand when there are dead bugs on your sink and around your tub and the inside of your toilet looks like it has a tan, why in the world you wouldn't want to clean it

 

My partner has not unpacked any of the boxes around the house. So since June, we've been walking through the house in a maze of boxes. I asked her to please go through them. Her response was that I should go through them. I told her I didn't know what she wanted to use or not use. So why would I go through them?

Then she said she wasn't sure she wanted to unpack because I'm always so grumpy. I told her I'm grumpy because I need to have a clean and orderly home and she knows this. I've always known cleaning wasn't high on her priority list. But it's high on mine and she knows this.

 

I ask for help around the house. I'm told there is no reason why I should need help. That she works 40 hrs a week and until I work 40 hrs a week around the house, I shouldn't be asking for help. She told me today she wants to see more gumption in me when it comes to cleaning and I need to take pride in what I clean. I told her I don't mind cleaning if the two of them would help keep it that way.

Instead of "cleaning as you go", they leave spills on the counter, spills going up the stairs, crumbs every where, etc. I told her today that we are the only two who brush our teeth in our bathroom. There is a towel on the sink and I didn't see why when after she brushes her teeth, she can't take that towel and go around the sink with it to clean up water and toothpaste. She said she didn't have enough time in the mornings before work to do that. And besides, I don't work so I should be able to do that.

 

She wants me to clean the house (3300 sq. ft), do all the shopping, all the errands, take her son where he needs to go or pick him up if he stays late at school, do all the laundry, take care of the animals, do the gardening & canning, home improvements and anything else because I don't work. I already have dinner ready by 5pm M-F. She says when she gets off work, it's her free time and because she works, the weekends are for her to rest, not to bother with her boxes or cleaning.

 

I use to clean but because I feel like a maid, it's become a burden on me. I don't feel like doing anything because of her attitude.

 

She also knows if I do anything strenuous, I can hardly move for the next 2-3 days. I tell ppl I'm being held together by duct tape and I'm a walking pharmacy because it's easier than explaining all my health issues, which is why I'm on disability. Some days it's all I can do just to get out of bed. And she's a nurse! She believes my medication is causing me to get worse (it's not, it's just the progression of my disease). She says I'm depressed. I won't argue this one because I may be. I need a clean and organized house. I'm not getting that. I've shut down. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to hug on her, show her affection or anything else she says she needs because of it.

 

Am I crazy for wanting help in cleaning and keeping it clean? Or is she crazy for not wanting to help me?

 

And the one thing this house is known for is the floors. They are hard wood floors over 140 yrs old. I can't tell you how long it takes to clean them and wax. But neither one of them will lift a broom or vacuum, or mop. Let alone wax.

 

Ugh! I feel doomed.

[Balzac]

Original question was whose crazy? You get my vote. It's your house and you choose to tolerate their irresponsible behaviors. That's on you.

[redtomato]

Ok, I have one crazy vote on me. What would you say to her? How would you phrase it?

 

She's all about it being 'our' house yet she doesn't want to do anything to help out.

 

I don't know what to say. No, that's not true. I want to scream "you are doing your son no favor by allowing him to live like a pig. And monkey see, monkey do. You don't clean so your son feels he doesn't need to clean. Y'all need to get up off your ass and YOU take pride in cleaning the house"

 

I have said something to that affect before but it didn't go over too well.

[2sure]

I have never minded being responsible for the real cleaning ...the weekly things like floors and bathrooms or even the daily things like laundry. But i will not pick up after anyone but myself. I will pick up after a toddler, and my pets. MY pets.

 

Cleaning up spills, putting away laundry, wiping down counters, and storing personal belongings properly are the things people do for themselves along with brushing their own teeth and wiping their own a$$es. I have someone to come in and clean now, but they don't pick up after us. They wouldn't.

 

My daughters room used to be a real mess all of the time. I stopped doing her laundry and told her that the day I open her door and smell anything unpleasant I would clean her room myself. I did and I did. I threw out anything I considered garbage which was...half of what was in there. It's been pretty clean ever since .

[redtomato]

I don't mind cleaning either. I like a clean house. If I were a regular house wife, I'd have plenty of time and energy to clean and do all the things I'm expected to do.

 

But I'm not an ordinary house wife. I am disabled. I am a person who lives in constant pain. I take a boat load of pills every day just to function. And all I hear is "it's not fair you get to sit in front of the tv all day and do nothing while I work" even if I busted my ass the day before on a project/cleaning. I would gladly give my body to someone else for the opportunity to work, for the opportunity to give up my handicap placard, for the opportunity to be a normal human being.

 

I think the two of them are just lazy as hell. And the more I think about it, the angrier I get!

 

I have never minded being responsible for the real cleaning ...the weekly things like floors and bathrooms or even the daily things like laundry. But i will not pick up after anyone but myself. I will pick up after a toddler, and my pets. MY pets.

 

Cleaning up spills, putting away laundry, wiping down counters, and storing personal belongings properly are the things people do for themselves along with brushing their own teeth and wiping their own a$$es. I have someone to come in and clean now, but they don't pick up after us. They wouldn't.

 

My daughters room used to be a real mess all of the time. I stopped doing her laundry and told her that the day I open her door and smell anything unpleasant I would clean her room myself. I did and I did. I threw out anything I considered garbage which was...half of what was in there. It's been pretty clean ever since .

[Saba]

I don't mind cleaning either. I like a clean house. If I were a regular house wife, I'd have plenty of time and energy to clean and do all the things I'm expected to do.

 

But I'm not an ordinary house wife. I am disabled. I am a person who lives in constant pain. I take a boat load of pills every day just to function. And all I hear is "it's not fair you get to sit in front of the tv all day and do nothing while I work" even if I busted my ass the day before on a project/cleaning. I would gladly give my body to someone else for the opportunity to work, for the opportunity to give up my handicap placard, for the opportunity to be a normal human being.

 

I think the two of them are just lazy as hell. And the more I think about it, the angrier I get!

 

I understand both points of view and I think that division of housework is a difficult issue for a lot of couples. If you want a happy household you may want to consider being more flexible (like not putting together detailed cleaning instructions!) or maybe you should not live together.

[Nightsky]

You're both crazy. It's your insanity you should be worrying about not hers. You see you can't control her, but you can take control over what you do.

 

Firstly so what if you don't work. You're bringing in money and it sounds like you pay for more than she does. If you aren't making enough money to support yourself comfortably than you do need to figure something out. If it's only her being jealous than tough titties for her.

 

My advice is going to be very extreme. You really need to use your own judgement. If it were me I'd full on go off on her. I'd tell her I worked a real job you know something you could never do. I wish I got to sit at home for a 40 hour work week answering medical questions because if I had lived such a sheltered life maybe I wouldn't be sick. Lay off me or get out. I also want you to pay for a cleaning lady to come once a week.

 

Seriously I'd kick her out if she talked back and I'd be real mean trying to make her cry.

 

I think you're crazy if you think you can reason with her. I'd go the mean approach and be ready to tell her to leave as soon as possible. If it came to kicking her out and 2 weeks went by with out her leaving I'd tell her be out by the end of the week. I wouldn't throw her stuff out of the house because that could get you in trouble but I'd start eviction proceedings or scare her about that stuff if she didn't figure something out in 2 weeks and the one week ultimatum didn't work.

[redtomato]

There is no reasoning with her. Nor her son. She said it doesn't matter I bring in a check because I'm not 'working' for it. I had a tenant before she moved in with me. So I always had plenty of money. She pays about as much in utilities as I do the mortgage. She claims she IS paying the mortgage because our money should be combined. So when I pay it, it means she's paying it to.

 

I went extreme on her a couple weeks ago. That's when she made sure she cleaned up behind her and her son. Then she slacked off.

 

What really gets my goat is she's supposed to do the cooking on the weekends. She asked me earlier if I was hungry and I told her no. So she took her son out and they both got fast food. I wasn't included nor was I asked if I'd like something for later. She does this almost every weekend.

 

She says she's 'mentally' tired after work and can't help me. My house is a wreck and she wants to put up a xmas tree. I told her I didn't feel like putting one up because of all the mess. She pitched a fit and said if I didn't want to participate, her and her son would do it. I asked her if she were going to take it down and she just looked at me (her last xmas here, she didn't take the tree down and I finally took it down in July!) and I've taken down her tree at her house the last 4 yrs. Lord knows how long it would have been up if not for me.

 

And she is very jealous. I've published 4 short stories and I'm working on a novel. She keeps throwing ideas around to me for her novel that she says she will never have time to write. She even sneaked a peek at my novel and responded "why are you writing about that? That's not what you're used to writing".

 

It's always my fault. My fault the house is dirty, my fault she can't write her novel, my fault we don't have money because I'm on disability, my fault she has to work, my fault I'm not contributing more.

 

I took very very good care of her the first 5 yrs. I worked my ass off to buy her everything she wanted. I took out a loan on my house I inherited free and clear because the credit card bills piled up and she wanted me to go to trucking school and I had no way to pay for it. I bought her a new car to travel back and forth to school. The list goes on. What did I get in return? She cyber cheated on me. Multiple times. And tonight while she was chatting, she told me her ex contacted her again out of the blue.

 

I'm not sure I even care.

 

 

You're both crazy. It's your insanity you should be worrying about not hers. You see you can't control her, but you can take control over what you do.

 

Firstly so what if you don't work. You're bringing in money and it sounds like you pay for more than she does. If you aren't making enough money to support yourself comfortably than you do need to figure something out. If it's only her being jealous than tough titties for her.

 

My advice is going to be very extreme. You really need to use your own judgement. If it were me I'd full on go off on her. I'd tell her I worked a real job you know something you could never do. I wish I got to sit at home for a 40 hour work week answering medical questions because if I had lived such a sheltered life maybe I wouldn't be sick. Lay off me or get out. I also want you to pay for a cleaning lady to come once a week.

 

Seriously I'd kick her out if she talked back and I'd be real mean trying to make her cry.

 

I think you're crazy if you think you can reason with her. I'd go the mean approach and be ready to tell her to leave as soon as possible. If it came to kicking her out and 2 weeks went by with out her leaving I'd tell her be out by the end of the week. I wouldn't throw her stuff out of the house because that could get you in trouble but I'd start eviction proceedings or scare her about that stuff if she didn't figure something out in 2 weeks and the one week ultimatum didn't work.

[Nightsky]

It's not really about who is right or wrong at this point. You need to do what you need to do wrong or right. The fact that you were telling her she can't put up her christmas tree tels me you've gone crazy. Get rid of her before you go completely crazy.

 

Let me know how that novel goes you seem like a pretty interesting guy and I'm sure I'd be interested in reading it.

[Later82012]

You and her are not compatible. You are right to feel doomed.

[redtomato]

It's not really about who is right or wrong at this point. You need to do what you need to do wrong or right. The fact that you were telling her she can't put up her christmas tree tels me you've gone crazy. Get rid of her before you go completely crazy.

 

Let me know how that novel goes you seem like a pretty interesting guy and I'm sure I'd be interested in reading it.

 

 

If you like the super natural, I'll let you know when it's uploaded

[redtomato]

1st how old is this kid?

2nd, people who let their houses get like that often have some type of psychological issue (think hoarders)

3rd, housecleaning can be a make it or break it situation, if it's important to one of you and not the other, then you may not be compatible.

4th, have you considered just hiring someone to do the cleaning? If she is working and you can't do it, then that's the logical solution. If it's important to you, and she just doesn't care that much, then just get it done. It doesn't matter who's right if you're both happy right?

5th,(and somewhat unrelated) IF she's a nurse and she says you are getting worse, although it may very well be progression of your illness, it wouldn't hurt to get an eval just in case. Even if she wasn't a nurse, when someone that lives with you or is close to you says they notice a decline, you should get evaluated. Most likely you are right, and in a progressive disease it's expected progression, but sometimes, it's a med incompatibility, an intolerance or something may have simply stopped working. Dealing with chronic illness is a complicated situation that is easy to miss the forest for the trees. Don't let the stress of the rest cause you to not listen to her for this. Be well.

 

 

1. Her son is 15

2. she is a functioning (for the most part) bpd

3. the only time she cleans is if her parents are coming over. she got mad tonight because I cleaned the living room. I started at noon and finished at 10pm. When she asked me when I'd be done so they could eat dinner, I told her I didn't know, it's not like anyone has offered to help me. She said "it's my day off. I'm not giving up one of my days off to clean"

4. we can't afford a maid

5. My Rheumatologist is the best in my state. I always tell her what my partner says and she gives me literature to bring back for her to read but she won't read it because she says she's read all she needs to know on the internet.

[redtomato]

It's not really about who is right or wrong at this point. You need to do what you need to do wrong or right. The fact that you were telling her she can't put up her christmas tree tels me you've gone crazy. Get rid of her before you go completely crazy.

 

Let me know how that novel goes you seem like a pretty interesting guy and I'm sure I'd be interested in reading it.

 

 

I didnt tell her she can't put the tree up. I told her I wasn't in the mood to help but she and her son could put it up.

[Nightsky]

If you like the super natural, I'll let you know when it's uploaded

 

Yes I very much enjoy the super natural. Some books I've enjoyed with supernatural themes just to name a few are "The lovely bones" "let the right one in" and "Gods Demon."

[threebyfate]

Get rid of her.