Cornelia Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We've known each since high school, and were each other's first real bf/gf back then before we went our separate ways and got back together about a year ago. We have a very special relationship and I love him very much, but of course some of the early love has faded and sometimes i feel like we already act like an old married couple. We just moved together into an apartment about 5 months ago. Sometimes I feel like this relationship is a little stifling. We are very poor and my boyfriend is still working on the early stages of his education, while I am in the first year of a PhD program. I also worry about the future with him because I worry he could be a lot like his dad, who he is very close to - his dad is a great guy but is very obese, unhealthy, and I don't think he is the best to his wife. SO the big problem is: there is another guy in my program who I have had a big crush on for about 2 months. I actually made the mistake one night of telling my boyfriend, but he seemed to get over it pretty quickly, although I'm sure he was hurt by it. I don't even know what it is about the other guy that attracts me - he is good-looking, and I think it started as physical attraction, but I have started using twitter just so I can interact with him a little, and he is in one of my classes and just this week he started actually talking to me, and I think being a little flirtatious. I know we have a lot in common because I've read his blog and I feel like I know a lot about him, and I feel like there is a mutual attraction. I feel his gaze on me a lot and I feel like we have been a little awkward and shy around each other for a while, until yesterday. I'm also a little weary of him because he's a smoker, seems to try kind of hard to be cool, and maybe not that confident. I really don't know him at all but I feel a strong attraction to him, and find myself thinking of him constantly and wondering what it would be like if I were able to go out with him. To complicate matters further, I just found out that one of my close friends in the program also has a crush on him. I'm not too worried about that though, because she seems to have a crush on a lot of people. I also just don't see them together - she is very posh and high maitenance and they just don't seem to have anything in common. So I'm very conflicted - I love my boyfriend but I am thinking of this other guy all the time - sometimes it seems like a game and a diversion, and its kind of fun to have a crush on someone, but at the same time I feel like I am being very dishonest to my boyfriend with all of this and maybe not respecting him. I don't feel like it really gets in the way of our relationship - but I'm sure if he knew all this it would break his heart. Sometimes I just wonder, though, what the other options for me are. Is it normal to have such a huge crush on someone else while also being in love with the person you're with? What should I do? I've been approaching it from the angle of just wanting to be friends with this other guy and getting to know him, and if I find there is something strong between us, well then I would reconsider my current relationship. I would never want to hurt my boyfriend by cheating on him, and I have cheated on people in the past/slept with people simultaneously and I don't want to repeat those mistakes again. Please give me any advice you have! Link to post Share on other sites
DirtyDancing Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 (edited) I have been in your shoes. Was with my ex for 4 years, on and off. Lost that loving feeling, the spark. It's very normal to begin to have doubts... especially when you encounter the other "options" as you put it, especially in your field of work or education. I met someone in college as well, someone who I felt I had much more in common with than my boyfriend at the time. Felt a very strong mutual attraction with him and my intuition was dead on as he conveyed it to me later once I did go out on a date with him. Point is, I've been there.. with my ex and feeling guilty for thinking about this other guy all the time, even when I tried not to. I'd get excited knowing I'd see him in class, and even found myself leaving the house (which I shared with my ex) on those nights to go to school making sure I looked extra pretty. The ex noticed, but I pretended it was nothing. He used to ask me why I seemed so anxious on those days. I also admitted I had a crush but kinda said it as a half-joke, and he didn't seem to fazed by it.. at the time. He eventually became extremely jealous... AFTER I broke up with him and he found out I was pursuing something with this other man. Anyway, in my personal experience, people just grow apart. I also still loved my ex, I just wasn't in love with him anymore. I knew it was over when I started fantasizing about another man, and wanted to look special for him on the nights I would see him. Better to end it now... even if there's nothing waiting for you on the other side with your classmate. You can never be sure, but it isn't fair to you or your bf to be dishonest about your feelings. Took me a semester to get the courage to end it, and it was the best decision I ever made. And also in my personal experience, being on BOTH ends of this situation at different stages, it's not possible to be in love with someone and thinking romantically or sexually about someone else... it's just not. That's when you need to trust your instincts. It's one thing to notice that someone of the opposite sex is attractive, but to have feelings for them or when you start 'falling', that's a big red flag. Edited December 2, 2012 by DirtyDancing Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 Wow, all men need to read the 2 previous posts. My favorite part is where the OP says she will become "friends" with her new love interest to get to know him so she can see if it will work out. You know, keep her boyfriend around just in case. Come on, have a heart and dump your boyfriend. He deserves better. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 Do not want to earn nasty names? Then end one relationship before you start another. Link to post Share on other sites
DirtyDancing Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 Wow, all men need to read the 2 previous posts. My favorite part is where the OP says she will become "friends" with her new love interest to get to know him so she can see if it will work out. You know, keep her boyfriend around just in case. Come on, have a heart and dump your boyfriend. He deserves better. I agree... there's not a chance that you can become "friends" if you already know there is a mutual attraction. It takes a lot of courage to end a relationship, but the worst thing you can do is keep your bf around just in case something new doesn't work out. That's the easy way out. Link to post Share on other sites
VdangerV Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 This website has never made me so mad in my life. These girls are absolutely ****ing horrible. God damn women logic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheLestat Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We've known each since high school, and were each other's first real bf/gf back then before we went our separate ways and got back together about a year ago. We have a very special relationship and I love him very much, but of course some of the early love has faded and sometimes i feel like we already act like an old married couple. We just moved together into an apartment about 5 months ago. Sometimes I feel like this relationship is a little stifling. We are very poor and my boyfriend is still working on the early stages of his education, while I am in the first year of a PhD program. I also worry about the future with him because I worry he could be a lot like his dad, who he is very close to - his dad is a great guy but is very obese, unhealthy, and I don't think he is the best to his wife. SO the big problem is: there is another guy in my program who I have had a big crush on for about 2 months. I actually made the mistake one night of telling my boyfriend, but he seemed to get over it pretty quickly, although I'm sure he was hurt by it. I don't even know what it is about the other guy that attracts me - he is good-looking, and I think it started as physical attraction, but I have started using twitter just so I can interact with him a little, and he is in one of my classes and just this week he started actually talking to me, and I think being a little flirtatious. I know we have a lot in common because I've read his blog and I feel like I know a lot about him, and I feel like there is a mutual attraction. I feel his gaze on me a lot and I feel like we have been a little awkward and shy around each other for a while, until yesterday. I'm also a little weary of him because he's a smoker, seems to try kind of hard to be cool, and maybe not that confident. I really don't know him at all but I feel a strong attraction to him, and find myself thinking of him constantly and wondering what it would be like if I were able to go out with him. To complicate matters further, I just found out that one of my close friends in the program also has a crush on him. I'm not too worried about that though, because she seems to have a crush on a lot of people. I also just don't see them together - she is very posh and high maitenance and they just don't seem to have anything in common. So I'm very conflicted - I love my boyfriend but I am thinking of this other guy all the time - sometimes it seems like a game and a diversion, and its kind of fun to have a crush on someone, but at the same time I feel like I am being very dishonest to my boyfriend with all of this and maybe not respecting him. I don't feel like it really gets in the way of our relationship - but I'm sure if he knew all this it would break his heart. Sometimes I just wonder, though, what the other options for me are. Is it normal to have such a huge crush on someone else while also being in love with the person you're with? What should I do? I've been approaching it from the angle of just wanting to be friends with this other guy and getting to know him, and if I find there is something strong between us, well then I would reconsider my current relationship. I would never want to hurt my boyfriend by cheating on him, and I have cheated on people in the past/slept with people simultaneously and I don't want to repeat those mistakes again. Please give me any advice you have! you are obviously lieing to yourself, you cant be inlove with someone and have feelings for someone else, You have cheated on people in the past that is a big no no. You are being very dishonest, you need to break it off with your boyfriend if you love him even the smallest bit because your being very selfish and you seem very immature. How is having a crush fun when your in a relationship? Just because his dad is obese and unhealthy means nothing and if you truely love this person you would love him no matter what shape he was in. Me and my fiance have been through hell. She left her husband for me (he was worthless, drugged her and stole from her and he didnt work at all) She has put up with so much in regards to my health, ive been through so many withdrawls from pain meds, benzos ect.. and just horrible health issues aside from that and yet she doesnt think one second of cheating on me or leaving me. That is true love and from the sounds of it it seems like you do not truely love your boyfriend! GIRLS LIKE YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We've known each since high school, and were each other's first real bf/gf back then before we went our separate ways and got back together about a year ago. We have a very special relationship and I love him very much, but of course some of the early love has faded and sometimes i feel like we already act like an old married couple. We just moved together into an apartment about 5 months ago. Sometimes I feel like this relationship is a little stifling. We are very poor and my boyfriend is still working on the early stages of his education, while I am in the first year of a PhD program. I also worry about the future with him because I worry he could be a lot like his dad, who he is very close to - his dad is a great guy but is very obese, unhealthy, and I don't think he is the best to his wife. SO the big problem is: there is another guy in my program who I have had a big crush on for about 2 months. I actually made the mistake one night of telling my boyfriend, but he seemed to get over it pretty quickly, although I'm sure he was hurt by it. I don't even know what it is about the other guy that attracts me - he is good-looking, and I think it started as physical attraction, but I have started using twitter just so I can interact with him a little, and he is in one of my classes and just this week he started actually talking to me, and I think being a little flirtatious. I know we have a lot in common because I've read his blog and I feel like I know a lot about him, and I feel like there is a mutual attraction. I feel his gaze on me a lot and I feel like we have been a little awkward and shy around each other for a while, until yesterday. I'm also a little weary of him because he's a smoker, seems to try kind of hard to be cool, and maybe not that confident. I really don't know him at all but I feel a strong attraction to him, and find myself thinking of him constantly and wondering what it would be like if I were able to go out with him. To complicate matters further, I just found out that one of my close friends in the program also has a crush on him. I'm not too worried about that though, because she seems to have a crush on a lot of people. I also just don't see them together - she is very posh and high maitenance and they just don't seem to have anything in common. So I'm very conflicted - I love my boyfriend but I am thinking of this other guy all the time - sometimes it seems like a game and a diversion, and its kind of fun to have a crush on someone, but at the same time I feel like I am being very dishonest to my boyfriend with all of this and maybe not respecting him. I don't feel like it really gets in the way of our relationship - but I'm sure if he knew all this it would break his heart. Sometimes I just wonder, though, what the other options for me are. Is it normal to have such a huge crush on someone else while also being in love with the person you're with? What should I do? I've been approaching it from the angle of just wanting to be friends with this other guy and getting to know him, and if I find there is something strong between us, well then I would reconsider my current relationship. I would never want to hurt my boyfriend by cheating on him, and I have cheated on people in the past/slept with people simultaneously and I don't want to repeat those mistakes again. Please give me any advice you have! Very telling last line, you've cheated in the past, you get a boyfriend, someone else comes along now you're getting antsy again and your head is being turned. You are not repeating "mistakes" you are making conscious choices to cheat, again and again. So before you do, let your boyfriend go because sooner or later you're going to hurt him. It's inevitable. Link to post Share on other sites
bless3d Posted December 30, 2012 Share Posted December 30, 2012 If you're ever stuck with a choice between two guys, pick the second one, because if you really loved the first one, there would be no second one. Just keep in mind, if the second one doesn't work out, there will be no first option anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 So I'm very conflicted - I love my boyfriend but I am thinking of this other guy all the time Do your bf a favor and break up. Give him the courtesy of being able to go out and find someone true to him. Link to post Share on other sites
DirtyDancing Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 HOW is being simply mutually attracted to someone cheating, and quoting a previous poster "****ing horrible"? If I had a nickel for every man who has felt the same way about a woman he knew while being in a relationship I'd be rich. Maybe that's just me. Unfair to pull the double standard just because women are posting about it. I think people VERY often stay in dead relationships where it's LIKELY that they will start feeling a spark with someone else, which I don't believe constitutes cheating or is worthy of nasty names. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 HOW is being simply mutually attracted to someone cheating, and quoting a previous poster "****ing horrible"? Everyone can appreciate the attractiveness of others. Its natural. The difference is one where you are simply attracted to someone, and two being infatuated with someone where you think of them all of the time and are a cheater waiting to happen. And maybe you didn't read her post closely enough. She started a twitter account with the express purpose of being in contact with the guy. BIG difference between what she is doing and a mere, normal attraction. I'm attracted to other women, but I'm not going to start contacting them or creating accounts to do so. Its a mere admiration of their looks and nothing more. And who said anything about a double standard? I'm sure if you'd bother to read a man in this situation is going to get the criticism just as much on this board. Its not gender specific. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 This website has never made me so mad in my life. These girls are absolutely ****ing horrible. God damn women logic. Guys do this to - this type of attitude is hardly exclusive to one gender... Link to post Share on other sites
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