what did I do wrong

[geddesanna]

I met this chap thru church. He moved to our church from England in April. We became friends and he stressed it was only platonic, altho he knew I fancied him. He is autistic. I wanted to help him and we spent a lot of time together. Sometimes just the two us, sometimes he, his friend, my son, and I . He knew that I am a widowand we helped each other. Then one day, he called and said that he never wanted to see me again outside of church, he no longer wanted to be friends and never wanted to hang around together again. No clue as to what I did. I am devasted.

[Tony T]

He probably had developed strong feelings for you and figured you would reject him because of his autism. This sort of behavior is not uncommon in people with disabilities or challenges of any kind.

 

Because of his challenges, he has probably had other experiences like this. That is why he so adamantly stressed at the beginning that his relationship with you would be totally platonic. That's what he intended for it to be. He did not want to set himself up for rejection or pain, although that seems to be how it ended for him.

 

However, with time he developed these feelings. He is probably used to being rejected by those he has fallen for because of their unwillingness to deal with his autism. He probably does not want to be a burden or otherwise adversely affect the life of someone he loves.

 

Respect his wishes. Approaching him and trying to straighten this out or get him to fess up to the real reason will only give him greater discomfort. Unfortunately, he is intelligent enough to know what his feelings are and intelligent enough to foresee the complications of what his challenges could be to a potential family.

 

His is in a gray zone where the knowledge about his challenges and limitations does not serve him well. I promise you he has not had a happy life...and does not want to impose that on you.

[Deejette]

I am sorry you are hurting from this experience. Autism is difficult to understand. Autistic people operate according to their system of logic that may not be comprehensible to a non-autisitc person. He may come back to you, but intense feelings of attachment may frighten him and he may retreat once again into his safe world of mental isolation.

He probably had developed strong feelings for you and figured you would reject him because of his autism. This sort of behavior is not uncommon in people with disabilities or challenges of any kind. Because of his challenges, he has probably had other experiences like this. That is why he so adamantly stressed at the beginning that his relationship with you would be totally platonic. That's what he intended for it to be. He did not want to set himself up for rejection or pain, although that seems to be how it ended for him.

 

However, with time he developed these feelings. He is probably used to being rejected by those he has fallen for because of their unwillingness to deal with his autism. He probably does not want to be a burden or otherwise adversely affect the life of someone he loves. Respect his wishes. Approaching him and trying to straighten this out or get him to fess up to the real reason will only give him greater discomfort. Unfortunately, he is intelligent enough to know what his feelings are and intelligent enough to foresee the complications of what his challenges could be to a potential family. His is in a gray zone where the knowledge about his challenges and limitations does not serve him well. I promise you he has not had a happy life...and does not want to impose that on you.