Built up so many insecurities... how do I fix them?

[dyzfunctioned]

Just got out of a two and a half year relationship. The end result, aside from a lot of sadness, heartache, depression, etc. is that I've built up a seemingly unconquerable fortress of insecurities and issues and I don't know how to work on some of them.

 

My self-confidence, self-respect, and self-esteem is pretty much non-existent. I've started working out regularly though and that seems to be helping a bit. I've also been doing my best to not just be a slouch, to shower everyday, dress decently, etc. instead of just throwing on the standard hoody and jeans and dragging myself to work.

 

However, I've also developed severe intimacy issues from this relationship. Like to the point where my sex drive has been largely decimated and I'm not comfortable trying to initiate sex which is part of what let to the downfall of our relationship. I'm not even sure I'd feel comfortable having sex with another person right now.

 

How do I work on these issues? I guess specifically the intimacy ones?

[Eddie Edirol]

You only got dumped 3 weeks ago. Its going to take alot longer than that to get over this breakup. It only takes time for you to get back to yourself. besides keeping busy, theres not much else you can do. So just keep moving, and trust me, you wont be insecure for the rest of your life, it only feels that way now.

[dyzfunctioned]

You only got dumped 3 weeks ago. Its going to take alot longer than that to get over this breakup. It only takes time for you to get back to yourself. besides keeping busy, theres not much else you can do. So just keep moving, and trust me, you wont be insecure for the rest of your life, it only feels that way now.

 

I know it's recent (it didn't even really become final until yesterday) but it's more so the fact that I had these insecurities throughout most of the relationship aka over the past 2+ years. Wondering if there's a way to actively address these or maybe it just will take time away.

[Eddie Edirol]

I know it's recent (it didn't even really become final until yesterday) but it's more so the fact that I had these insecurities throughout most of the relationship aka over the past 2+ years. Wondering if there's a way to actively address these or maybe it just will take time away.

 

Depends on the insecurity. If its things that you think you did wrong in the relationship or things that you wondered why she reacted certain ways that you didnt understand, then you have to learn more about women to get rid of the insecurities. But its hard to say unless you actually list the insecurities.

[dyzfunctioned]

Depends on the insecurity. If its things that you think you did wrong in the relationship or things that you wondered why she reacted certain ways that you didnt understand, then you have to learn more about women to get rid of the insecurities. But its hard to say unless you actually list the insecurities.

 

Was insecure about initiating sex - even though she was my girlfriend I was afraid to initiate, worried that she wasn't in the mood and that she would reject it. Which in itself is kind of stupid because she had a pretty high sex drive.

 

Insecure about trying new things sexually or acting on desires even though she actively encouraged me to and was into trying new things. Like she would encourage me to talk dirty or do whatever I wanted to her and take charge and while in my mind these things turned me on I wasn't comfortable actually carrying them out.

 

Fear of conflict. Was unable to bring up issues and concerns or intitiate serious conversations with her because she often became easily upset. Often just internalized the problem and buried it which caused me to become distant.

 

Insecure about sexual performance - if I didn't last long or accidentally did something that hurt her or something I would feel really ****ty about it. For a time I used to masturbate before sex just so that I would last longer even though it made it feel not great for me.

 

Those would probably be the biggest ones..

[Eddie Edirol]

Was insecure about initiating sex - even though she was my girlfriend I was afraid to initiate, worried that she wasn't in the mood and that she would reject it. Which in itself is kind of stupid because she had a pretty high sex drive.

You could get rid of that insecurity by learning some new seduction techniques. Stuff that works, then you would know how to read her moods, or how to change them with the right words.

 

Insecure about trying new things sexually or acting on desires even though she actively encouraged me to and was into trying new things. Like she would encourage me to talk dirty or do whatever I wanted to her and take charge and while in my mind these things turned me on I wasn't comfortable actually carrying them out.

 

You would have to figure out why you are so afraid to act on things that she already told you she wanted you to do. Takes some soul searching.

 

Fear of conflict. Was unable to bring up issues and concerns or intitiate serious conversations with her because she often became easily upset. Often just internalized the problem and buried it which caused me to become distant.

 

You'd have to learn to stop being a wimp and stand your ground when it comes to conflict. If youre wrong, explain your reasoning. If youre right, explain your reasoning and explain why shes wrong, and then come to a compromise, if she is reasonable. This is where you have to learn how she works and figure out how to work around her moods, and when she will listen to you. But you have to assert yourself, take charge, all women want you to take charge and lead them by the hand. Thats basic human psychology.

 

Insecure about sexual performance - if I didn't last long or accidentally did something that hurt her or something I would feel really ****ty about it. For a time I used to masturbate before sex just so that I would last longer even though it made it feel not great for me.

Those would probably be the biggest ones..

 

If youre not sure about your performance, you figure out how to do the best you can so you know what youre doing, then you'd never have to be insecure about it. If you think she is lying to you about how youre doing, thats her problem not yours. You can also watch her body language to see if she is being honest with you or not. You can work harder to satisfy her, or you can find someone youre more sexually compatible with. For instance, slow down, and have sex every day to last longer.