Husband's Behavior is Making Me Vulnerable to an Affair - Help!

[lydia81]

Throughout my 8 year marriage my husband has been to many bachelor parties as friends of his got married. Typically these get-togethers were weekends away often to places like Amsterdam and Montreal. Obviously the guys were going to strip clubs. H knows that I dislike this and ever since my reaction to the first bachelor party outing he has either lied about what happens or (more usually) we just don't talk about it but there are a few days of defensiveness on his part and anger on mine when he returns and then everything's back to normal.

 

After one bachelor party in Montreal he and I went back to Montreal together on a short vacation as he'd said it was a beautiful city and he thought I'd like it (being European myself). We had a nice trip and he ended up staying an extra day in the city alone because I had to get back home early for work. When he got home I happened to find a receipt for an ATM withdrawal of several hundred dollars from a Montreal strip club in his pocket for the night I wasn't there. He'd originally said he hadn't gone out that night. I asked him about it and he said he just talked to one of the girls there for a while and he'd been charged a lot of money to buy her drinks. I strongly suspected he was lying but I get so angry I just didn't trust myself to talk to him rationally about it so I dropped it. More recently (about a year ago) he was one of 4 guys at a private bachelor party in the bachelor's apt and there were 2 strippers there doing a girl on girl show. He stayed out all night and said he spent $100 although I didn't check. Initially he lied and didn't tell me there were girls there, just that he got too wasted and stayed the night, but after I told him what would happen if I found out he'd lied yet again he came clean. He's also been out a few times spending a lot of money in these clubs with colleagues at one point in his career but stopped after I found out and got upset. He's always very apologetic and has said it's something he's always done before he met me. Most of the time he's a wonderful and loving husband and I do actually love him very much. Other wives of his friends who also do this stuff don't seem to think it's a big deal - or at least, not that I know of I haven't discussed it with them at length.

 

Anyway, my dilemma is this - recently he's had a lot less interest in sex with me. It's down to about once or maybe twice a month at this point, when initiated by me. He says he's been depressed, but he hasn't sought treatment for it and I haven't noticed any other changes in him. I have to tell you, I'm quite sexy and get hit on a lot even though I don't solicit it. I'm finding myself getting more and more frustrated. There is one more bachelor party coming up in a few months and this time having done my research I've told him exactly what is OK with me (looking) and what is not (anything else - tipping games, lap dances, basically any sexual contact with strippers). If he has no sex drive at all that's one thing, but if he won't have sex with me but does want lap dances etc with strippers I will take that as his permission to cheat. I get a lot of interest from other men and at this point I'm wondering why I bother to consider his feelings when he doesn't show me the same consideration. I'm more than vulnerable to having an affair due to his behavior. One more slip from him and I'm over the edge. I've tried to tell him this but he gets defensive and sees it as me 'threatening' him. Am I out of line? What do you think? And also, what do you really get when you spend hundreds of $ in a strip club? Has he already cheated?

[Kitty1123]

what do you get when spending hundreds at a strip club?-depends on alot-the club-the girl-what you want ect.- at this point your relationship is SERIOSLY damaged and the fact that you are even considering cheating shows just how much. Why stay in a relationship where neither one is faithful? if you cheat now it'll seriously impact many aspects of your life. i say get out or come clean, let him know whats on your mind and then after a long talk you both will need to do serious damage control. Can you ever really trust what he says hes doing?

on his nights out? this is a bad situation and i feel sorry for you. you're going to have to do something soon, best of luck*

[lydia81]

Kitty,

You're right, the marriage is on shaky ground right now and he and I need that long talk. I have told him that each time he does these things and then lies about it I love him a little bit less, and I've also told him that this combined with the lack of sex is making me think of cheating. There's no-one specific on my mind to cheat with, I'm trying to nip it in the bud by being open with H before I even start down that road with someone else. But he needs to be open with me too! I don't want to leave the relationship, I actually want to save it, but I can't do it on my own!

[Papillon]

Horseshyte about him making you vulnerable. You're either open to infidelity or you're not.

 

If you have an affair, are you going to blame it on him? We get that kind of thing here often, and it always sounds pathetic.

 

Don't run away from the issue, solve the issue. If you can't solve it, get a divorce. Don't make a bad situation worse by doing something that will not make one iota's difference to your relationship's problems.

[tanbark813]

Ok, in regard to the strip clubs, I really don't think you should be worried about the possibility of his having sex with one of the strippers. Spending $100 in a night at a strip club is not only easy, but almost unavoidable. If it was during a bachelor party, they probably went to a decent (read, not inexpensive) club. The drinks can be anywhere from $7 - $10. Lap dances are usually $20 or more. So if you buy your buddies a round of drinks and buy the groom-to-be a couple lap dances, it's really easy to shell out $100 or $200 in a night. Not to mention the tips you give the girls just dancing the stage.

 

I've been on the receiving end of gf's getting mad about going to strip clubs during bachelor parties but I really think you're getting too worked up. It's just harmless fun. Unless he's actually having sex with them, I think you should cut him some slack.

 

As far as the low sex drive, that's obviously a problem. It really sounds to me like you're turning him off. I mean, you're getting on his case when he just wants to live it up with his friends, you're telling him you love him less when something like this happens, and you're threatening to cheat. If I were him, I wouldn't exactly want to jump your bones right there either.

 

The lying, though, I'm totally on your side about. He just plain shouldn't be lying about what he's doing. But I can kind of see why. I mean, if he didn't care about what you thought about him, he'd just tell you flat out that he's going to a strip club and going to do whatever he wants. But he doesn't want you to love him less so he tries to cover things up. It doesn't make the lying right, of course, he just needs to find a better way of approaching the situation.

 

As for you considering to cheat, that's just not a good move. First of all, it's not going to help anything. All it will do is make you feel guilty afterwards, break his heart, and put the final nail in the coffin of your marriage. If you're pissed to the point of wanting to cheat, then just leave him altogether. I hope the threats to cheat are just venting your frustration because if you really, deep down want to cheat, then this all just might be an excause to do just that.

 

One thing that can be attractive to guys about strip clubs is that the girls all fawn over you. Yeah, it's just because they want your money. They know it. You know it. But it can be an ego boost. Your husband is being emasculated at home, and then goes to strip clubs to have fun, blow off steam, feel a little better, etc...

 

From what you've said here, it sounds like your best bet is to just come to a compromise about the strip clubs and stop the threats about cheating. Obviously what you've been doing isn't working so it's time to shift gears and try something else.

 

But, after whatever happens in the future, if you guys still can't work this out and he continues to lie, please don't cheat on him. If it's that bad then just leave. Cheating on him only makes you a worse person than him. Why do that to yourself?

[She's Come Undone]

Tanbark, sweetie, he spent not $100, but hundreds of dollars at the strip joint BY HIMSELF!!!!!!! He wasn't at a bachelor party that time!

 

 

Lydia, trust your instincts about him. Get out. Don't stoop to his level, be the good person in this, you don't stand to gain anything but disrespect if you have an affair. And yes, it will be all your fault. Good luck, I know how tough this is, but you can do it!

[havNfun]

I've spend probably up to 500 or 600 at a strip club

and have yet to get laid by one of them!!

 

not that it is wise to spend this kind of money on them often.

 

at bachelor parties, part of the tradition involves

spending money - and spending money

on dances, and drinks and what-not for the groom as well.

 

I have yet to attend a bachelor party and spend less than

300 dollars.

 

As far as you being vulnerable to cheat,

I think this is you wanting to cheat and looking for

a guilt free excuse to do so.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by tanbark813

Ok, in regard to the strip clubs, I really don't think you should be worried about the possibility of his having sex with one of the strippers. Spending $100 in a night at a strip club is not only easy, but almost unavoidable. If it was during a bachelor party, they probably went to a decent (read, not inexpensive) club. The drinks can be anywhere from $7 - $10. Lap dances are usually $20 or more. So if you buy your buddies a round of drinks and buy the groom-to-be a couple lap dances, it's really easy to shell out $100 or $200 in a night. Not to mention the tips you give the girls just dancing the stage.

 

I've been on the receiving end of gf's getting mad about going to strip clubs during bachelor parties but I really think you're getting too worked up. It's just harmless fun. Unless he's actually having sex with them, I think you should cut him some slack.

 

As far as the low sex drive, that's obviously a problem. It really sounds to me like you're turning him off. I mean, you're getting on his case when he just wants to live it up with his friends, you're telling him you love him less when something like this happens, and you're threatening to cheat. If I were him, I wouldn't exactly want to jump your bones right there either.

 

The lying, though, I'm totally on your side about. He just plain shouldn't be lying about what he's doing. But I can kind of see why. I mean, if he didn't care about what you thought about him, he'd just tell you flat out that he's going to a strip club and going to do whatever he wants. But he doesn't want you to love him less so he tries to cover things up. It doesn't make the lying right, of course, he just needs to find a better way of approaching the situation.

 

As for you considering to cheat, that's just not a good move. First of all, it's not going to help anything. All it will do is make you feel guilty afterwards, break his heart, and put the final nail in the coffin of your marriage. If you're pissed to the point of wanting to cheat, then just leave him altogether. I hope the threats to cheat are just venting your frustration because if you really, deep down want to cheat, then this all just might be an excause to do just that.

 

One thing that can be attractive to guys about strip clubs is that the girls all fawn over you. Yeah, it's just because they want your money. They know it. You know it. But it can be an ego boost. Your husband is being emasculated at home, and then goes to strip clubs to have fun, blow off steam, feel a little better, etc...

 

From what you've said here, it sounds like your best bet is to just come to a compromise about the strip clubs and stop the threats about cheating. Obviously what you've been doing isn't working so it's time to shift gears and try something else.

 

But, after whatever happens in the future, if you guys still can't work this out and he continues to lie, please don't cheat on him. If it's that bad then just leave. Cheating on him only makes you a worse person than him. Why do that to yourself?

 

[color=red]Can we bronze the above post and have it at the top of every infidelity thread? This is an excellent post from the man's POV![/color]

 

Playing guessing games and trying to put the responsibility for your decisions on someone else is not going to get you anywhere. If you want to save the marriage, then do something. Get into counseling--for yourself if he won't go with you. You both need to learn how to communicate with each other and learn how to understand your own feelings and needs. Then you both need to set boundaries that you both can agree upon.

[shortbus74]

there are two kinds of women at strip clubs...........ones who live the job and ones who are there for the money.............

 

 

Dont cheat...........BAD!

[lohrewok]

If you don't think cheating goes on in strip clubs you are very seriously deluding yourself. There are web sites devoted to talking about what to wear (for easier access) and what clubs allow "extras". One such site is called strip club junkies. there are lots more.....

 

I feel very sorry for the OP. Don't cheat. That is not the honorable thing to do. Be true to yourself.