Do I Tell His Fiancee About Affairs?

[Dilema]

I'll try to make my story as brief as possible...

I was dating a man for about a year and a half when we broke up, and went our separate ways. Three years later, I ran into him 3,000 miles from where we're from. We ended up sleeping together that night. This continued once we returned home. He told me that he did not have a girlfriend, and would even talk about other women that he'd been with. I did not want a relationship with him, so this was mostly OK with me. This sex-buddies thing continued for a year before he moved across the country. Then, it continued, just on a much less frequent basis. So, essentially, it's been going on for three years. When we're not having sex, we talk frequently about our lives, and common interests. In recent months, I'd grown tired of the arrangement, and we have stopped having sex. He has initiated this within the past few weeks, and I've told him no.

 

Well, recently, I learned he's getting married. I learned all of this in stages. First that he had a girlfriend (I thought this was a recent thing). Then, that he was going to get engaged. Then, finally, that he has been in a relationship for four years, and that he has been engaged for eight months.

 

I am sick. Of course, I am angry at being lied too, but am smart enough to know that because it was just sex, I can't really say that he cheated on me. I am angry because had I known that he had a girlfriend, I would not have even looked at him again. I am certain that his fiancee knows nothing about this. Their wedding is still several months away. I am feeling incredibly guilty, not to mention disgusted with him. I feel like she needs to know this information prior to making a lifelong commitment to this man. My thought is that while I know this information will crush her, perhaps it will be less crushing than when there are assets to divide, and children to take into consideration. I know I am not the only woman he's been with in the last 4 years, and I feel like, if he can't be faithful prior to their marriage, what happens when they've been waking up next to each other for 5 years. It's not just a one time mistake.

 

Should I tell her? I have proof of our relationship including pictures, emails, and IMs, though I can't imagine how terrible it would be for her to read them.

[Papillon]

That's a terrible situation to be in, and I don't envy you.

 

I'm not going to speculate on whether you suspected it all along and just chose to ignore it, or whether you were genuinly ignorant of what was going down. It does not really matter, because either way he is the one who is the lying, cheating bastard.

 

I guess it's up to your personal conscience. It's virtually guaranteed that their relationship is going to suffer in future, even be destroyed, because of his infidelity.

 

If it were me, I wouldn't approach her directly. I would give him an ultimatum - come clean himself or YOU will tell her. That way you make it his responsibility, and if he doesn't come clean, then it's an extra motivation for you to save the other woman the grief. Either way, she has to know about it, but it's better if she hears it from him. Just be prepared for him to lie to her (you might get a call frmo her, she thinking that you are at fault)...

[Boogie]

Dilema:

 

A few brief things to consider:

 

Are you debating advising his fiancee about this because you want to help her out and know you're in a position to do so, or is it about getting him back for being a sh*tty human being, or both?

 

If you genuinely want to let her know what he's been doing for her sake, then I would give him the "either you tell her or I will" proposal/ultimatum. If it's for you (ie getting him back), then I wouldn't bother. I hope (and believe, based on your post) that your real concern is saving his fiancee the aggravation of being with a cheater. But I agree with Papillon's post -- you most certainly will be in her crosshairs once/assuming he convinces her you're lying. But if you're willing to put yourself in the line of fire, for the right reason(s) -- then I would suggest you give him an ultimatum and then let 'er rip.