How do I deal with this?

[davechester]

Hi everybody, this is my first post here and I've found this forum purely by chance after scouring the internet looking for some sound advice.

 

I've looked through some of the threads here and most seem to be from females so I'm finding it quite hard to post here being a male involved with a married woman but I guess it'll be useful to know the attitudes of both sexes. Anyway, here's my story.

 

I have known this woman for a long time (on a professional basis), when I first met her she was (and still is) married and I was living with someone and, although attracted to her, I managed to push those thoughts to the back of my mind. I have however been single for a few years now and, having seen this woman on a regular basis, we got quite close inasmuch as I could tell her things and she would tell me things that were going on (wrong) in her life. She had asked me out several times but I always had the 'but she's married' thought going round my head and avoided meeting her when she was out despite wanting to.

 

Then, in February this year, I lost my mother - which as anyone knows it was quite a traumatic time but you manage somehow to get through the heartache and pain that comes with it and come out the other side. I was still seeing this woman but in June she asked me to go out with her and her friends for a birthday drink - her birthday not mine. This time I accepted and met her in town and, maybe it was drink fuelled, I knew I had to tell her what I'd held back all these years. So, job done, and we started seeing each other and began a physical relationship. It didn't take me long to confess that I love her - I had done for years but kept it to myself and despite the fact her husband had become suspicious we kept our thing going.

 

So, we're now 3-4 months into this and things obviously have gone from bad to worse for her, arguing etc with her husband and one night I got a call and she tells me that they had had a blazing row and she had told one of her daughters about me - not really a problem, I spoke to the girl and she was fine with me so I still thought things were OK. Anyway, it turns out that she has told her elder sister who has confronted her mum and threatened her that she won't see her grandchildren if she carries on with me - I wouldn't mind but they are not his children and I can't understand why she would take her stepfathers side over her mother.

 

I seem to have faded into the distance at the moment and don't know what to do next. I'm quite impulsive and part of me wants to confront the girl and tell her that she is selfish and shouldn't emotionally blackmail her mother just so she can be happy or go and spill the beans to her husband that I've been sleeping with his wife - both of which will only make things worse but I'm not prepared to let this woman go without a fight, I've waited years for her and I'm not going to let her slip through my fingers now.

 

All this is driving me insane so, before I do anything, I'd like to get another opinion on what to do for the best.

 

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed - I'm struggling to concentrate on much except this at the moment so you might have to read parts of it twice for it to make sense.

[Henni]

Hi Dave,

 

Tough situation, indeed. Where kids are involved, they are the priority, of course, and if there's to be any future with anyone, the kids need to be ok with it.

 

You say the H is a stepdad to the two daughters, how long have they been together? It doesn't really matter if he's the birth father or not, if the elder daughter is having this reaction obviously he is, realistically, her Dad. It sounds quite strange to me that the younger daughter was fine with it - even if she did say that - disruption to home is never fine for a kid or teenager, how old are these daughters?

 

The other thing to think about is if this man came into their life after a previous marriage ended, they probably don't want to go through that again.

 

You say you love this woman, why didn't you ask her to leave her marriage when you starting something together? Did you think you could be ok with it, then found you weren't? If the daughter hadn't found out, would you be ok with just having an affair? If you would, then either you are past wanting any legit relationship, for whatever reason, or you are having some low self esteem issues maybe? Do you not think you deserve to be a bone fide partner to someone?

 

I'm just throwing these questions out there for you to consider, I've been in a similar circumstance but managed to stop the A fairly early and now waiting for D to go through before going any further. The kids don't know about me yet because I don't want them to. I think it's better they come to terms with the break up before adding me into the mix.

 

Anyway, I guess for now all you can do is tell your AP that you realise she has to put her kids first, that you don't want to cause any rift between her daughter and herself, and that a clean break and decisions to stay or leave the marriage are clearly needed now before you can be there for her.

 

Don't worry at all about most posts being from women, there's been guys here too in my time and i'm not around long at all, just a few weeks. It's good to hear a male perspective actually, I hope you find help here and can see your way through the situation with self respect, even if your heart takes a bruise.

 

I would say, definitely definitely don't confront the daughter. At least, I would never, ever attempt to come between a lover and their child. Apart from it just being wrong, since the child has far greater claims on the mother than you do (unless she's 30 years old or something), you also will never look good after that. I think there's a fairly built-in parent-child bond that means that anyone who comes between, whether for good or bad reasons, will be cut right off.

 

I'm sorry you lost your mother, it does suggest that you were in a bad place when this craziness came along.

Edited December 2, 2012 by Henni

[whichwayisup]

I wouldn't mind but they are not his children and I can't understand why she would take her stepfathers side over her mother.

 

Because they are a family. Reguardless that he's the stepfather, it doesn't matter. You have no idea how close this daughter is to him. And, she also knows what her mother is doing isn't right..Cheating on her husband, so she isn't agreeing with her mom's behaviour. Just because she's 'the mom' doesn't mean her daughter has to support her and have her back while she's cheating.

 

You are the outsider, the invader and this daughter sees you this way. She has every right to exclude her mom if she chooses to. And yes, unfortunately the threat has been put out there and now it's up to your MW to decide what is more important.

 

You chose not to cheat on your gf, right? Yet you lusted and liked that MW while in your relationship.. You waited until after your relationship ended. So, why not tell MW that the A is over, that you can't do this anymore, that you deserve ALL of her, not just bits and pieces - Back off and allow her time to either decide if she wants to give her marriage another go or end it and divorce. She will do nothing if you don't change this. She will continue to lie and cheat on her husband, betray her family unit if you let her.

 

Remember your affair isn't just between you and her. Other innocent people ARE getting hurt and the fallout is going to be very painful. It's only a matter of time before her husband finds out the truth.

[RickFox]

She's not yours to fight for buddy. This isn't a competetion to win her hand in marriage and you have no dog in this hunt, she is taken, i.e. married. My xmw had a husband who didn't treat her all that well, I witnessed it first hand, but it apparently it wasn't as bas as she would tell me because her loyalty, and your MW's loyalty, will lie with her family and you are the outsider.... I hope you don't find out that you're not as special as you thought you were cause it's gonna hurt.

 

You need to bow out because frankly, I'd be surprised if, in the end, you will be the victor.

 

You're first mistake was allowing yourself to be involved with a married woman, your second was allowing emotion into it and now you're screwed. Walk away from it, tell her you refuse to be involved while she's married and let her go. If you're that important, she won't make any excuses and will show you, not just tell you.....words only go so far.

 

Good luck.

[ThatJustHappened]

Because they are a family. Reguardless that he's the stepfather, it doesn't matter. You have no idea how close this daughter is to him. And, she also knows what her mother is doing isn't right..Cheating on her husband, so she isn't agreeing with her mom's behaviour. Just because she's 'the mom' doesn't mean her daughter has to support her and have her back while she's cheating.

 

You are the outsider, the invader and this daughter sees you this way. She has every right to exclude her mom if she chooses to. And yes, unfortunately the threat has been put out there and now it's up to your MW to decide what is more important.

 

You chose not to cheat on your gf, right? Yet you lusted and liked that MW while in your relationship.. You waited until after your relationship ended. So, why not tell MW that the A is over, that you can't do this anymore, that you deserve ALL of her, not just bits and pieces - Back off and allow her time to either decide if she wants to give her marriage another go or end it and divorce. She will do nothing if you don't change this. She will continue to lie and cheat on her husband, betray her family unit if you let her.

 

Remember your affair isn't just between you and her. Other innocent people ARE getting hurt and the fallout is going to be very painful. It's only a matter of time before her husband finds out the truth.

 

A very fair and rational response. My only note would be that the OP shouldn't wait around for the MW to make a decision..I would say that he should just operate as if it's a normal break up and move on.

[alexandria35]

Hi everybody, this is my first post here and I've found this forum purely by chance after scouring the internet looking for some sound advice.

 

I've looked through some of the threads here and most seem to be from females so I'm finding it quite hard to post here being a male involved with a married woman but I guess it'll be useful to know the attitudes of both sexes. Anyway, here's my story.

 

I have known this woman for a long time (on a professional basis), when I first met her she was (and still is) married and I was living with someone and, although attracted to her, I managed to push those thoughts to the back of my mind. I have however been single for a few years now and, having seen this woman on a regular basis, we got quite close inasmuch as I could tell her things and she would tell me things that were going on (wrong) in her life. She had asked me out several times but I always had the 'but she's married' thought going round my head and avoided meeting her when she was out despite wanting to.

 

Then, in February this year, I lost my mother - which as anyone knows it was quite a traumatic time but you manage somehow to get through the heartache and pain that comes with it and come out the other side. I was still seeing this woman but in June she asked me to go out with her and her friends for a birthday drink - her birthday not mine. This time I accepted and met her in town and, maybe it was drink fuelled, I knew I had to tell her what I'd held back all these years. So, job done, and we started seeing each other and began a physical relationship. It didn't take me long to confess that I love her - I had done for years but kept it to myself and despite the fact her husband had become suspicious we kept our thing going.

 

So, we're now 3-4 months into this and things obviously have gone from bad to worse for her, arguing etc with her husband and one night I got a call and she tells me that they had had a blazing row and she had told one of her daughters about me - not really a problem, I spoke to the girl and she was fine with me so I still thought things were OK. Anyway, it turns out that she has told her elder sister who has confronted her mum and threatened her that she won't see her grandchildren if she carries on with me - I wouldn't mind but they are not his children and I can't understand why she would take her stepfathers side over her mother.

 

I seem to have faded into the distance at the moment and don't know what to do next. I'm quite impulsive and part of me wants to confront the girl and tell her that she is selfish and shouldn't emotionally blackmail her mother just so she can be happy or go and spill the beans to her husband that I've been sleeping with his wife - both of which will only make things worse but I'm not prepared to let this woman go without a fight, I've waited years for her and I'm not going to let her slip through my fingers now.

 

All this is driving me insane so, before I do anything, I'd like to get another opinion on what to do for the best.

 

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed - I'm struggling to concentrate on much except this at the moment so you might have to read parts of it twice for it to make sense.

 

Actually I think you're married woman was the one being selfish when she told her daughter about her affair. She has put her children in a terrible terrible position. She because she is happy and content with her deceit and dishonesty, it doesn't give her the right to force that on her kids. I had a rough relationship with my stepfather all my life and I was supportive of my mother when she left him but had she decided to cheat on him instead her and I would have had a problem. I wouldn't have appreciated being made an unwilling accomplice to her affair and I wouldn't have gone along with it. How could I have looked my stepfather in the eye and know something like that was going on behind his back? I couldn't have done it. It was horrible of her to put that on her daughters and expect them to carry around this terrible secret. You say the younger daughter is okay with it. That might be because she has been taught that lying and deceit are okay or it might be because she doesn't fully understand the magnitude of the situation.

 

You say you aren't going to let this MW slip through your fingers now? LOL...I don't think you get much choice in the matter. If she decides to back off the affair because she doesn't want to lose the respect of her daughters and grandchildren then you're going to have to deal with that and move along.

[Pierre]

All this is driving me insane so, before I do anything, I'd like to get another opinion on what to do for the best.

 

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed - I'm struggling to concentrate on much except this at the moment so you might have to read parts of it twice for it to make sense.

 

Sorry to hear about your MOW. To be honest she sounds a bit like a philandering MOW. There is also a lot of drama at home and there is nothing you can do about this.

 

She is the wife of another man. She is not yours and I suggest you walk away. You are a single man and I assume you must have options with single women with no baggage at home.

 

If you must know the chances of long term success for this relationship is 3% or less. That means that you have a 97% chance of not making it.

 

Please walk away.

[underwater2010]

Please stop try blame her daughter for blackmail. She is only speaking the truth that the two of you created. The fact that the husand is not her bio-dad does not make him less of a father to her.

 

You need to ask yourself why your POS MOW decided to confide in her child. Could be looking to be caught? If so, why? And why would you want a woman that lays her sins at her children's feet.

 

Also, if the older daughter tells her FATHER, then you have your chance to see if she is willing to be with you. If the daughter doesn't tell, then maybe you should. You say that you are willing to fight for this woman you "LOVE", then make it happen. And please come back and tell us when she turns around and cheats on you.