My Insecurities

[LSgirl]

I'm 27 years old and have been dating my bf for 5 months. We have never fought before and overall things are great between us. I feel that he sees us long-term as he tells me I'm very important to him, compliments me, likes it when I make long-term plans, introduced me to his friends/family and likes to take care of me.

 

Despite all the great qualities of our relationship, I still have an anxiety attachment and feel insecure that he will meet someone else or leave me. He has given me no reason to think he would do that and I know that kind of thinking serves no purpose for me.

 

I tell myself everyday that I need to visualize the kind of person I want to be and make sure that I try everyday to become that person. I'm a very jealous person (he doesn't know this). I'm very independent and he knows this, but what he doesn't know are the insecure thoughts I have in my head.

 

As of now, he plans to buy a condo for himself as an investment. He wants to live there and possibly get a roommate. I plan to remain at my own condo. He knows I would never live with a boyfriend unless I were engaged/married. None of us have talked about anything that serious as our relationship is only 5 months old. I'm getting anxiety thinking he will get a roommate as I like my/our privacy and don't want to worry about how to behave around his roommate if he gets one or worry his roommate may be a girl (I don't think it'll be a girl). And for all I know he may just get a one bedroom and live in it by himself. He said he plans to get a house in the future.

 

I wish things would stay the same and he would just stay at the place he lives in now as it's closer. One of my main concerns about our relationship is that it started out as him pursuing me and wanting to be with me. Before we decided to be together, I was very cool and energetic and non-chalant. I feel that now I am comfortable with him, I may be coming off as less energetic, readily available, and safe. I don't want to play games or anything, but I miss not caring too much or thinking about the relationship itself as it seems he was really drawn to me when we first met and I'm sure he's still just as drawn to me. But I can't help but think I need to stop being so "cutesy" and be more cool and appear more attractive. Now this may be all in my head. I don't know why I feel like I won't be enough for him as if he'll become bored of me.

 

We hang out 5 days a week. Today I had work but now it's 6:45pm and I haven't heard from him since I saw him last night. I assume he's hanging out with his friends he hasn't seen in awhile, but I wish it was like the beginning where he always texted me that he missed me. I know things are settling into a comfortable place, but I don't want to get TOO comfortable and become less desirable to him. Why am I over-analyzing all this? I'm happy he's out with his friends and that he has goals in his life, he supports my decisions and we give each other space while we're away from each other which is healthy. Sigh...I feel like my thoughts are all over the place as you've read from this post. Any advice?

[Nightsky]

I'm 27 years old and have been dating my bf for 5 months. We have never fought before and overall things are great between us. I feel that he sees us long-term as he tells me I'm very important to him, compliments me, likes it when I make long-term plans, introduced me to his friends/family and likes to take care of me.

 

How old is he? So, far it all sounds good! Does LSgirl stand for LoveShack girl lol thats cute

 

Despite all the great qualities of our relationship' date=' I still have an anxiety attachment and feel insecure that he will meet someone else or leave me. He has given me no reason to think he would do that and I know that kind of thinking serves no purpose for me. [/quote']

 

You see you've answered your own question. Just stop! I know easier said than done. Thing is with this kind of negative thinking you never get a break. You could worry some one was going to leave you after marriage, children and 20+ years... and they could leave you... but needlessly worrying about it when you admittedly have no reason to worry is self destructive. You need to appreciate what you have and enjoy it, not take it for granted that it's worth nothing and going to end soon. I always try to focus on the journey not the destination.

 

As of now' date=' he plans to buy a condo for himself as an investment. He wants to live there and possibly get a roommate. I plan to remain at my own condo. He knows I would never live with a boyfriend unless I were engaged/married. None of us have talked about anything that serious as our relationship is only 5 months old. I'm getting anxiety thinking he will get a roommate as I like my/our privacy and don't want to worry about how to behave around his roommate if he gets one or worry his roommate may be a girl (I don't think it'll be a girl). And for all I know he may just get a one bedroom and live in it by himself. He said he plans to get a house in the future. [/quote']

 

Housing shouldn't be looked at an investment other than trying to save money on rent. He'll be lucky to break even if he's looking to sell this place. I wouldn't only buy a place for the purpose of housing not an investment.

 

Also the roommate thing wouldn't be as bad as you're making it out to be. When you have a good roommate they give you the level of privacy you want. Also as a man I would never want a female roommate other than a lover. Reason being many fold but just to name a few it would be a big red flag for women you want to date. Ruins your bachelor pad. Most of all the possibility of having to deal with strange men coming into your house as opposed to a male roommate unless gay would only bring over his friends if any one at all.

 

We hang out 5 days a week. Today I had work but now it's 6:45pm and I haven't heard from him since I saw him last night. I assume he's hanging out with his friends he hasn't seen in awhile, but I wish it was like the beginning where he always texted me that he missed me. I know things are settling into a comfortable place, but I don't want to get TOO comfortable and become less desirable to him. Why am I over-analyzing all this? I'm happy he's out with his friends and that he has goals in his life, he supports my decisions and we give each other space while we're away from each other which is healthy. Sigh...I feel like my thoughts are all over the place as you've read from this post. Any advice?

 

I'm not big on txting or phone calls. But I try to make it a point to send a gf at least something each day. A quick call would be a good idea. I also understand girls like to feel chased or what ever you want to call it.

 

A lot of your problems sound in your head as that's how you keep describing them.

 

You obviously like this guy a lot so he must be doing something right. Do you LOVE him?

[todreaminblue]

I think there is a balance and you will find it......relationships evolve though and as they mature they naturally find a balance....in my opinion lol....ill explain why i am laughing soon....one thing i do know makes women less desirable is clingy and neediness its suffocating fro guys....this is why i am laughing i should really delete my whole post going on my past relationships......i will struggle on with my ideas though.....i gave too much space in my relationships i feel, exact opposite of clingy, i would accept missed dates, got left new years in kings cross with no money and forgave the guy three days later when he showed up....that relationship lasted fifteen years....i have problems giving up......but anyway im tangenting......

 

 

the relationship has to evolve to stay current......you have to have trust...not blind faith like i do...its painful and you have to believe that he is with you because he loves you..if he truly loves you he wont leave you..i just found this song.......by robert palmer........ill post it here for you so you can play it when you are anxious........i use music a lot for emotions i am feeling.....this song is absolutely gorgeous.....i am using it for my broken heart at the moment.. I fell for a guy..i can dream....... i think its beautiful......be confident and think with your chin up...... even in love or broken hearted as in my case....chins still there....keep it up....smilin atcha....hugs...

 

 

[LSgirl]

Thank you for the reply. I have even tried meditation and their philosophy on focusing on the "now" as worrying about yesterday or today doesn't allow you the freedom in your head to enjoy what you have. It's easier said than done that's for sure lol

 

He's only a year older than me. Another thing that makes me paranoid about him leaving me is that he was so quick to tell me he loved me (about a month or two in, it took me a lil bit longer to say it back) I feel as if he could tell me he loved me so quickly then he could easily for another person just as fast if he is premature with his feelings.

 

Both of his parents work in real estate and he works for his dad's real estate company so I think somehow he'll think it's investment to get a condo and live closer to his work, it'll only be 10 more min from where he lives now from my place. My last ex lived with a roommate whom he always hung out with. I'm the kind of person that I'm a homebody but like to be by myself or significant other and not have to feel obligated to hang out with the roommate. I'm even jealous if he gets a male roommate that the male will bring over girls to the place, argh.

 

It does sound like it's in my head, and I don't know how to minimize it. Or maybe I do, but I just feel at a loss as to why I'm not improving. Some days are better than others. I do think it's strange he hasn't contacted me at all today, hearing from a text or phonecall would be nice, but contact does go both ways. I just don't want to catch him at a busy time or him thinking I'm trying to check up on him.

[LSgirl]

Thank you for the song, I am listening to it right now.

 

I don't like clingy people either. The last person I want to be is needy. I come off a lot more confident than I am. I told him since the beginning that I am not attracted to needy behavior and he is not even close to clingy which is great, but sometimes I wish he was so I'd know I have nothing to worry about.

[Nightsky]

I don't so much mind a clingy girl who I like. I mean as long as she isn't nagging me "why don't you call!"

 

Him being in the real estate business makes sense why he's saying that line "it's an investment."

 

I'm going to recommend you read a book called "the are of seduction." It's a book I myself have been meaning to read. At the least it should be entertaining and it may some how solve your problems.

 

also since some one else gave you a song to listen to, so will I

it's Beauty & a Beat going out to you LSgirl

[LSgirl]

lol I'm listening to the 2nd song posted now. I will look up the book online and see if there's a free pdf version of the book. Thanks for the recommendation!

[LSgirl]

I found the book you recommended to me free online The Art Of Seduction pdf free ebook download from vipsvvvv.tripod.com

[Nightsky]

I found the book you recommended to me free online The Art Of Seduction pdf free ebook download from vipsvvvv.tripod.com

 

Good job, now read it and be entertained it if only to distract yourself so you can heal. Also maybe you'll learn something cool about yourself or life. Let me know. I've been meaning to read the book. I've read other books by the same author and they've been very entertaining.

[todreaminblue]

Thank you for the reply. I have even tried meditation and their philosophy on focusing on the "now" as worrying about yesterday or today doesn't allow you the freedom in your head to enjoy what you have. It's easier said than done that's for sure lol

 

He's only a year older than me. Another thing that makes me paranoid about him leaving me is that he was so quick to tell me he loved me (about a month or two in, it took me a lil bit longer to say it back) I feel as if he could tell me he loved me so quickly then he could easily for another person just as fast if he is premature with his feelings.

 

Both of his parents work in real estate and he works for his dad's real estate company so I think somehow he'll think it's investment to get a condo and live closer to his work, it'll only be 10 more min from where he lives now from my place. My last ex lived with a roommate whom he always hung out with. I'm the kind of person that I'm a homebody but like to be by myself or significant other and not have to feel obligated to hang out with the roommate. I'm even jealous if he gets a male roommate that the male will bring over girls to the place, argh.

 

It does sound like it's in my head, and I don't know how to minimize it. Or maybe I do, but I just feel at a loss as to why I'm not improving. Some days are better than others. I do think it's strange he hasn't contacted me at all today, hearing from a text or phonecall would be nice, but contact does go both ways. I just don't want to catch him at a busy time or him thinking I'm trying to check up on him.

 

 

I dotn think its clingy if you haven't heard from someone to give them a call say hey you busy.....just wanted to say hi how the heck are ya.......see if you had a good day...smilin..... or to send them something you thought of that day or something that reminded you of them....i used to do that in a relationship send little texts just to let that someone know i was thinking about them .....the only time i got told off was when the guy was cheating....that is fact....as far as flirting on a phone call ro text goes....i will if i am going out with them.....normally leave it half finished......cheeky....more than flirty...havent read the art of seduction ...ill give you one of my tips though.....start a text....say i was thinking about you today it was something in the way you kissed( last night, the day before, whenever it was ) anyway i know you are probably busy so i will definitely tell you later just wanted you to know i was thinking of you.....talk to you soon.....a guaranteed phone call back.......whenever he isnt busy.....i used to do this it works......it has to eb relevant though.....something you remember that really makes you feel good the words are your own of course i just gave you an example of an ice breaker....so you dont feel clingy.......it serves a dual purpose it lets your boyfriend know you care and you are thinking of him and it stops you from feeling anxious about being clingy sending a message.......i would send one stanza poems.......but then i am a die hard in a relationship so its up to you. i didnt do this every day....or it wouldnt be special ....just when i hadnt heard from him in a while...i wish you well and much happiness in love.....deb

[Negative Nancy]

I still have an anxiety attachment and feel insecure that he will meet someone else or leave me. He has given me no reason to think he would do that

 

I feel the same, and unfortunately was given reason to think that, so my best bet for you would be to never get too involved or too attached to one man, in the end they all turn out the same. They cannot be happy with just one woman, mark my words.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I have attachment anxiety too.

 

Without using him as a scapegoat, I think a lot of it comes from my dad as he is very emotionally distant with me and has never said anything like 'I love you, how are you? I am proud of you'.

 

Despite this, I know he cares for me, but it sometimes means that in relationships I struggle to figure out a mans behaviour because I tend to assume if my dad was distant, unemotional, cold, but still loved me, then other men must be similar.

 

If I am not being drawn to someone distant, then I act distant myself. I tend to act very cold and uninterested if I like someone. It's weird the behaviours you end up using from your parents without realising it!