Need professional advice on this situation

[jmargel]

Before me & my fiancee became a couple we were just friends. Last year, during the spring time she would tell me about her stepdad who would do some lewd things in her presense. She worked third shift and would come home around 7am, to find him usually naked in the house. This made her very uncomfortable and I offered for her to stay at my place. During this time, there was an instance where she was taking a shower & forgot something in her room, so she put a towel on and opened the door. She found him near the door, naked.

 

Her mom married him a couple years previously. She was in a bad marriage before, and my fiancee was torn between telling her, knowing it would really upset her. For her mom was in complete love with him. He is the real distant type, almost cold. Where her mom is a true sweetheart. Anyway, he just seemed a little 'different' than most people. Such as he hates animals.

 

On Saturday I came home to my fiancee on the phone, looking like she was almost ready to cry. After she hung up, she told me it was her mom. Her stepdad was arrested for fondling a 17 year old boy. Basically what happened was, he hired this youth to help him do some work on their house. It was him & the boy there at the time only. It started to rain, so they went inside. The stepdad took off his clothes and exposed himself, while touching this kid. It lasted for about a minute from what I was told. My fiancee's mom is devestated, since she trusted him 110%, and is a religious person. My fiancee on the phone then told her mom about the incidents involving her.

 

Another story then came up regarding the past. Before her mom & him got together, my fiancee was friends with her now stepdad's daughters. They all had this friend named 'Thad'. They all were about 10 years old. During the summer this guy would take this boy to an amusement park, while leaving the girls behind. This guy had no relation to this boy. This was weird in itself, but the guy said he always thought of him as a son. Well, as time went by, this boy told his mom that he was being sexually abused by this guy. Charges were going to be filed, but then an unfortunte accident cost the boy his life. He was hit by a car. Also about 3 months ago there were some rumors going around that her stepdad was talking about my fiancee as being 'hot' and how he wanted to sleep with her.

 

As things stand now the prelimary hearing is set 3 days before our wedding. He confessed to the officer that he did touch this 17 year old, but denies ever molesting 'Thad'. I talked to my fiancee's mom for about 45 mins. yesterday and she admits she is in a deep depression. She is carrying this all on her shoulders, and is so afraid that others are going to talk about her. Also that the person she thought she knew for 4 years, has done one of the worst things possible. I told her I would go w/ her to the prelimary but she said no, but might change her mind. I told her she needs to keep out of the house & to keep active, yet she tells me the 'problem' will still follow her, no matter where she goes.

 

This guy has her messed up big time. He's mentioned suicide which has me very worried. He's an alcoholic (which is what he is blaming the molestation for, but to me that's a stupid excuse), and he has weapons in the house. I told her I feared her safety, since he's not in his right mind and if he's going to kill himself, he could possibly take her with. I mentioned that he wasn't treating her right before, in that he didn't even get her a b-day present a few months back or v-tines. She said I wasn't the first to say that. She was going to look into counseling and perhaps medication to help her depression. She is having anxiety attacks now. She was always so upbeat, now just by the sound in her voice, is like she has no hope in the world. It's truly frightening.

 

Me & my finacee are going to keep an active role in her life, and to talk to her as much as possible. However, I don't know where else to turn. He is still with her, living in the house that she is paying for. She pays for all the bills, and all his equipment (he's a contractor) since he has no money. The fines associated with his crimes (he's been charged for indecent assault, two counts of corruption of a minor, indecent exposure and harassment.) could be $20-30k in itself. She would take a huge hit having to sell his equipment as well, but it's in her name. Looking up the crime codes, he could be sentenced to 4-5 years, esp. if he has priors. I don't know if he does, I know someone that might check that out for me. But I know he will serve some.

 

She told me people are asking her why is she still staying with him, but she said she doesn't know herself. That if God has a plan for them to stay together it will come. I told her she needs to break away from the situation as soon as possible, but she has alot of emotions that she has not let out yet. She so devestated, yet she wants to make sure he's not going to kill himself. She said he doesn't talk about what happened, and is extremely somber. Sure tale signs that something bad might happen.

 

She told me she threw away all the alcohol and hid the weapons, but that's still not going to prevent anything. She was blind to alot of the things he's done since she wasn't aware of them. She now is facing this stranger who she thought she knew & married. If there is anyone who has professional experience in something like this, please give some advice.

[amerikajin]

I'll preface this by saying I am not a professional, so don't confuse this for professional advice; this is more of the common sense variety.

 

That said, I think your thread title says it perfectly: this situation is in need of some professional pyschotherapeutic management. Your efforts should be focused on healing your girlfriend's mother. You have to get her to realize that she doesn't need to be hanging around trash heaps like her husband (I'm sorry if I'm being offensive here, but I call it like I see it). She needs some help boosting her self esteem.

 

As for your fiance's stepfather, the criminal justice system will deal with him.

[Mr Spock]

I'm not sure what you can do, besides have her sign her assets over to you both....if you want that kind of responsibility.

 

What she needs is a lawyer. Hate them all you want, but they are EXTREMELY USEFUL. Go get her one. That way, you are there for her, and the lawyer is there for her secuirity.

[jmargel]

I was thinking about a lawyer for her. She needs that protection. Why would she sign over all her assets to us?

[Mr Spock]

I'm not sure, not being a lawyer (I love them. If I could afford it, I'd retain an entire team to accompany me throughout my day) but I would imagine if there IS a huge fine, or someone sues, she'll at least be able to protect some things that way. Her things. Sell his stuff, the bastard.

[Papillon]

I hope Bubba and Leroy (down in cell #14B) give him some of his own medicine.

[moimeme]

Now she's said she wants to see a counsellor, encourage her all the way. Don't let her change her mind, if you can possibly help it. And then tell her one of the stories about God helping people who help themselves. Tell here maybe this is God's message to her that he's a bad guy and should be left.

 

Also, tell the police about his alcoholism and that there are weapons in the house and that he has threatened suicide. They can then seize the weapons. If she won't do that, you do it - you want this lady safe. No matter how mad she may get at you if you do it, it's worth it to not have weapons in the house. However, if he really loses it, obviously he could harm her many other ways. Your fiancee should also tell the police about what he did to her. That should add more time to his sentence. Again, it may annoy her mom, but her mom's safety has to come first.

[jmargel]

I know I should. I am going to talk to my finacee about it tonight. Her mom is under the impression that he would never harm her. Though I don't truly believe that, since he's done this. He told her he was 'sick' and needs help. I told her, if he said that to her then this has been going on for some time. I then asked her is he sorry he did it, or got caught? That's what the pastor told her as well, after he talked to him. He told the pastor about thoughts of suicide. His dad killed himself when he was a kid, but he hasn't said a word to anyone about his childhood. I guess it was bad, though that is no excuse for this.

 

She took off a week from work, since she knows the people at her place are going to talk about her & the situation behind her back. She told me she's fears that people are going to go by her place & say 'That's where the molestor lives' and she is beyond embrassed by this. I told her this shouldnt be on all her shoulders, and that the embrassment should only be at him. However, I can understand where she is coming from.

 

I really don't want him at the wedding and I don't know how to even bring the subject up to her about it, knowing the condition she is in. She's helped out so much to get things together with the wedding, etc.. I wish I knew why this guy would risk his whole life over something this stupid. It just doesn't make sense.

[Leikela]

JMargel, I am a professional in this field and work with physical and sexual abuse victims and their families at a child advocacy center. We help kids from the ages of 1-18.

 

Amazingly, most cases of abuse are by a family member (including step parents) or "other known person" as stated on our statistic reports. This man is sick. He needs help. He most likely had a childhood that involved abuse to himself as well. He knows no other way of behaving, as he never had a healthy role model. These of course are no excuses for his behavoir but merely reasoning why he behaves this way.

 

As for your fiancee's mother, she should contact her local police department and they will ensure her safety. If she really wants him out of her house, she could get a restraining order on him. It won't be hard to get since he admitted to abusing the 17 year old and admitted he wanted to do harm to himself. He sounds as though he is definitely capable of harming others too. The facility I work at is locked down complete with panic alarm because the perpetrators frequently try to harm the victims and their families.

 

Your soon to be mother-in-law should also get counseling for herself. I can only imagine her pain right now. Her number one priority right now though should be getting herself away from her husband. Once she's safe, her healing can begin. I would keep the lines of communication open and tell her that you don't want this man at your wedding. She will probably understand.

 

I hope the 17 year old is getting the help that he needs to. These are serious offenses and the Prosecutor's office should have stepped in by now and gotten his story. Did they come and arrest the husband? I wish you, your financee and her family the best with all of this. These kinds of things are never easy. Please get your fiancee's mother the safety and help she needs.

[jmargel]

Thank you Leikila,

 

The thing is, he mentioned to her twice that he would leave, and yet she hasn't kicked him out. She is beyond confused and hurt. Personally I don't know why she still lets him live there. As for being arrested, I know the police came to the house, and he did tell her what happened, but she found out about the charges by reading the newspaper. He never told her, the charges went through. I would think he should be in jail now, right? All of the crimes are 1st and 2nd degree misdomeaners.

 

She doesn't fear her safety, but I do. She still thinks he would never harm her. I don't know what happens behind closed doors, but from her reaction was that he never yells or gets violent with her. However I heard others say he gets violent when he's drunk, which happens alot. He has her brain-washed in alot of ways and I don't know how to get through to her.

 

I feel awful for that boy, since now his life is going to be tarnished because of this. Along with anyone else he's abused.

 

When she talks, her voice sounds SO hopeless. Like things will never look up for her again. I know this is a depression, but until she goes to counseling and gets the medication she needs, I don't know what to do or say to comfort her.

[Craig]

jmargel I'm no professional and don't even play one on tv but I am a survivor of domestic violence.

 

One point I'd add to the what has been said is that you said "I told her she needs to keep out of the house & to keep active, yet she tells me the 'problem' will still follow her, no matter where she goes."

 

Does this mean that she fears for her safety because she believes that if she left her husband that he would follow her and do her harm? Sometimes people who are being abused by their spouses believe that the abusing spouse will just not give up and will find them no matter where they go. You need to find out if she believes he can track her down where ever she is and cause problems or do her harm and if necessary take the appropriate actions by getting the professionals (police, counsellors, etc.) involved right away.

 

Something you can do to comfort her is to learn as much as you can about sex offenders and abusers as it relates to how he is. Then when you talk with her you'll be able to understand her better.

 

She probably feels very alone right now, alone in the sense that she may believe that she is the only person in the world that has ever had this problem. Knowing that other people have and are going through the same or similar things can be a source of comfort and strength for her.

[jmargel]

The latest is that her mom came over last night. Her mom is still defensive about this, saying 'the boy could have left earlier', but I know she is still in denial about the whole thing. The lawyer said he has no priors, and he'll probably just get probation. I still think he's going to get more than that. She told my fiancee that her heart has no feeling inside, she is totally numb. I see my fiancee hurting too, since her family life wasn't the best. Her dad treated her mom really bad when they were together, and after they divorced she was working hard just to make ends meet. She ended up with this guy who she truly believed he was the greatest person in the world. When he started doing things to my fiancee last year we knew this guy was evil.

 

Her mom is an extremely sweet person who would do anything for you. He is taking advantage of her in every way possible. I need some advice on how to break her of his grip and the head games he is playing on her. Now he is acting so remorseful, going to church, saying he doesn't know why he did this, etc.. It's all an act. He relies on her for everything.

 

She said she doesn't fear her safety living in the same house with him. She is still unsure what to do. They are going to counseling together, but I don't know who this counselor is and how qualified they are. I asked my fiancee to take her mom to ours, so I'm hoping..

 

My fiancee got a little frustrated with her and she thinks she said something to make her more upset by accident. I told her she needs to be patient with her mom, that she is still hurt and not letting it out. I even offered her mom to live at our place if she needs. If this guy only gets probation I don't think she'll end up leaving him. The only way she can realize that he's abusing her mentally and emotionally right now is to have some time away from him. The prelimary hearing is in two days, I told her mom that we can't have him at the wedding. She understood.