sweet lou Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 My wife left 3 months ago. We were together 9 years and married 7 years we have 3 children. We have been going to counsling for 6 weeks now we go twice a week. She says it is helping her with her problems but not ours. It has helped me with mine and she says she sees the man she always wanted in me know but she doesent know if it is too late. She says she cant talk to me and feels no emotions towards me just compleatly shut off. I was very unemotional towards her and now she is that way towards me. She says she enjoys being alone and has built up this wall against me and does not know how to let it down. I asked her to go on vacation with me to see if we can find each other again and she said yes. We leave in a week. I have found out a lot about myself since she has left and I so much want to be the husband I should of been but I wonder is it to late?? have I done too much to hurt her?? She starts school in a few weeks and works also, we will never see each other and I dont see how that can help that was one of our main problems in our marriage we never spent time with each other. I guess my question is will this wall ever come down? Can she feel safe emotionally around me again??What can I do, I do not want to push her away but she says every time I get emotional thats what I do. I am just trying to get our family back together. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Just let go and enjoy your vacation with her. You can use it as a time to remember why you first married her, (same for her, of course.) Is it too far gone? that's really for her and you to decide. Since you are both willing to go to counciling, I'd say you can still work it out. I think you just have to take it a day at a time, and try to encourage your wife to tel lyou what is on her mind. Just be patient, and loving, and kind. Prove to her that she can talk to you. I'm glad that your marriage is important to you, enough so that you are willing to go to counciling and work it out. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweet lou Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 Thanks Yellow. My wife says the same thing "one day at a time" I can not figure out how to do that I am in so much pain and hurt so much. I was not a great husband and now that is all I want to be. This has been a life changing experience for me. I am just so scared that all she may ever want is to be friends and that she cant take me back as a husband. I do ask her to tell me her feelings but she says she has none towards me. Yesterday we talked and she said all the things I said she whished I had said when we were together, that they would of made her cry and hold me and feel good. But know they just seem to go in one ear and out the other. Will her feelings ever change?? Can we be emotionally conected?? Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 You know, I don't have the answers to those questions, but I can postulate about them. I don't think your wife is cold: I think she's just very hurt. Just listen to her, even if you don't like what she has to say. Don't get defensive, just let her have her say. Just because you suddenly want her love and attention doesn't mean she's ready to give it to you, yet. There were probably alot of times that she needed you, that you weren't available. You'll just have to be patient and stable. Even though she may not show you her feelings, buy her roses, or if you don't have much money, write her sweet notes, make her dinner... just show her that you're serious and that you care. Get into a habit of romance. There are tons of little things you can say, or do to show her how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweet lou Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 Thanks again. I am just scared. I never know what to do our say. And its hard to make her dinner or even take her out because she says she is not ready for that. I guess I just have to keep my mouth shut and give her her space. I just dont want to go on like this feeling like this. How much time do I give her? Do I wait forever? I love her and want to wait forever for her I just dont know if I can. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Welp, you're in a rough spot. I'd wait until you can't possibly do it any more. If it gets to a point where you really feel like you've wasted your time in trying to fix it, and she still doesn't feel anything for you, then you can make a decision then. I'd give her at least a few months. You'll probably know better in December whether your efforts in August have paid off, for example. There really is no time limit, but what you can "stand." IMHO, you have to be strong, now. You're the one who was cold towards her, you can't expect her to just suddenly be on fire with her love for you. YOU are the one who wants the change, so YOU also have to be the one who is patient. It seems like you are panicking about a situation that was allowed to get very bad over time. Why are you suddenly so upset about it? It took time for it to get bad, and it will take time to fix. Oh, and EFFORT, too. Link to post Share on other sites
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