Little_Geisha Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 I'm confused as to what is going on inside of me and since I've never experienced this before I was hoping someone could help me understand why I feel this way. Ignoring everything that has happened in my marriage; all the good and bad and only focusing on the two men this is what I'm dealing with: My Husband: I love him very much. We are extremely compatible in our goals in life. We both want to maintain the same type of lifestyle and our interests and hobbies are very well matched. We are the best of friends and enjoy being around each other immensely. We can talk about anything very logically and reasonably and he is someone that I have a great deal of respect and admiration for. He is the most intelligent man I have ever known and he is an inspiration to me to learn as much about the world I live in. Every day he exposes me to his voracious appetite for knowledge and it challenges me to strive for more. If I had create an image defining this relationship it would be as two people that have been married for twenty-five years, that are in their late sixties and you know just by looking at them that they adore each other. Their friends say they just "fit" and "make sense" when they are together and no one can ever consider them with someone else. That's how my relationship with my husband can be described. The Other Man: He is in my head constantly and although the love I have for him is different than the love I have for my husband I know that I do love him. He exhilarates me. He's my passion, my romance and my most intimate relationship that I have ever had. Every place I go I think of him. Every movie I see, every book I read, every car that passes, every thought or every conversation some way always reminds me of him. He is constantly in my mind and I am constantly having conversations with him in my head. Sex with him is not perfect but it's more satisfying. It's adventurous and sometimes intimidating. It's exploratory and open. When it's just the two of us talking and the world does not exist it is perfect. When it's just our inner selves communicating one on one everything is beautiful. And then the real world sets in. I don't admire him. He seems somewhat lazy in some regards. He does not inquire about the world as much. He does not thirst for knowledge. He does not challenge himself or question his ideas. He is simple in his life and his aspirations. He does not inspire me to learn more or discover more about the world. He seems young to me and although he has helped me realize many things about myself, I feel like I am the teacher. I feel like I am the one that challenges him when it is I that want to be challenged. I find his views almost archaic and lacking in intellectual reason. I know he is intelligent and has so much potential but he seems to prefer a simplistic view of life. And so my confusion lies in that my husband is the perfect match for me in all regards except one and that is he is not the one that stirs my soul with passion and intimacy. He stirs my mind but he is not the one that invokes such intense emotions in my heart. My husband is so much of what I wanted in a man; so much of what I do want in a man but it is the OM that I always find myself dreaming about. How do I come to any conclusion as to who is the right person for me? How does one decide where they are supposed to find themselves the happiest when so much of their being is torn in two? How do I know which direction my path should take when those paths are so different? Link to post Share on other sites
Firegirl04 Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 You say your husband is perfect for you... then what the hell are you doing with another man?! The reason it is so exhilerating is because you know there is a risk you could get caught. Leave the other man... its not love its lust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little_Geisha Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 Thanks for commenting. I left out all the issues that I have had with my marriage because I wanted the comparison to be just between the two people and how I feel when I'm with them/about them. It is not exhilaration because I am afraid I will get caught. I was separated with my husband when I entered into a relationship with the other man and my husband has been aware of it. I guess my confusion is that my husband stirs my mind and the other man stirs my soul. If I were younger (I'm 37) I would probably run head first to my other man because I was such a romantic in my younger years but as I age I guess I tend to find myself placing importance on other things rather than the passion or intimacy I once thought was all I would need. I don't want to lose something beautiful and I have something beautiful with both of them. It's hard to determine what the right path is when they both satisfy so much of what I wanted in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Firegirl04 Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Do you have kids? Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 I would imagine someone who stirs your mind will be able to stir your soul. but then again we don't know everything about your marriage and your relation with the OM. Often times us women tend to equate sexual bliss with love. Are you sure you are not doing that? Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Ok, I reread your post. Did you stop to think that you love the OM so much becuase he seems to be the complete opposite of your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 I believe that it easier to find someone you connect with physically and extremely difficult to fond someone you connect with mentally and physically. You husband sounds like an incredible man and the other a boy. I believe it's not either I believe it's lust. And if you were to go with this OM what happens when the lust dies? Would you be happy in his simplistic little world? I think your not being fair to your husband. I don't know the whole story but from what you have posted I see that your husband drives you and helps you to see and understand life. I think you probably could have that passion with your husband but your not even trying because your wasting it on another man. I think you need to leave this other man alone and light the fire in your relationship with your husband. It's lust and he is a distraction from the real world to you. Thats is all. Leave him and enjoy your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little_Geisha Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 Do you have kids? No children. I would imagine someone who stirs your mind will be able to stir your soul. but then again we don't know everything about your marriage and your relation with the OM. Often times us women tend to equate sexual bliss with love. Are you sure you are not doing that? We don't really have sexual bliss in some regards. There are some problems regarding performance but other things fit well. The sex isn't perfect by any means but more like the type of sex I always wanted with my husband. Did you stop to think that you love the OM so much becuase he seems to be the complete opposite of your husband? Yes. My husband isn't passionate or romantic and would never think someone could stir another persons soul! He doesn't even think there is a soul. I know that a lot of what is missing from my marriage is being compensated for by the OM. I know that the reason why I let the OM in my life was because my husband wasn't able to be everything I needed. I've been approaching the issue by assuming that I should take the one that has the most pros to it but in the back of my mind I can't help but worry that the connection I have with the OM is greater than anything else and I am committing a great karmic sin (i.e. turning my back on my soulmate) if I'm not with the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little_Geisha Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 I think you need to leave this other man alone and light the fire in your relationship with your husband. How do you find passion and romance with someone that isn't passionate and romantic? Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Are you saying that you are husband is intelligent but not passionate nor romantic? The OM is passionate and romantic, simplistic, and sex is not that good right? Since there are no children how about moving away from both of them to give yourself space for some clear thinking? You may find out that you don't want any of them. You may end up meeting someone who is everything for you. Who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 He had to be at one point right? You married him for a reason I'm guessing he didn't sit and read a book on the night of your honeymoon? There has to be something there. I'm a big believer in karma and so your karmic sin comment really touched me. But like you said back then you wouldve ran to the OM arms but know you don't because your older and you place importance on other things. But like I said before your relationship with this OM is great in fantasy but in reality if you left your husband and were to live your life with this OM how would that go? When it's just the two of us talking and the world does not exist it is perfect. When it's just our inner selves communicating one on one everything is beautiful. And then the real world sets in. I don't admire him. He seems somewhat lazy in some regards. He does not inquire about the world as much. He does not thirst for knowledge. He does not challenge himself or question his ideas. He is simple in his life and his aspirations. He does not inspire me to learn more or discover more about the world. He seems young to me and although he has helped me realize many things about myself, I feel like I am the teacher. I feel like I am the one that challenges him when it is I that want to be challenged. I find his views almost archaic and lacking in intellectual reason. I know he is intelligent and has so much potential but he seems to prefer a simplistic view of life. You said all these things yourself. I don't think thats the list of the qualities of your 'soulmate'. I think it's just sex and lust and that's it. Sex has away of messing with us and it sometimes makes us think that all these feeling are there but once the sex stops so do the feelings. It had away of clouding your brain and foggin your eyes. What does your husband say about it al you said he knew about the OM right? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 What does your husband say about it al you said he knew about the OM right? Hmm..interesting question Link to post Share on other sites
Butterfly_Queen Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 We all see qualities in other people that our spouse or s/o may not have, thats human nature. However, don't throw your whole marriage away just because of that. Sounds like your H is a pretty good guy. Maybe try some counseling and sit down and let him know what it is that you feel is lacking in the relationship, that he may not be doing. Right now you may feel that the grass is greener on the other side, but it still has to be maintained, no matter what side of the fence you're on. However, reguardless of the advice you get on here, its all up to you what you feel is the right thing to do. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little_Geisha Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 My husband said he doesn't think the OM is right for me; which makes sense because I have told my husband about all my likes and dislikes regarding the OM. My husband told me that if I am going to leave the marriage because I'm missing something then at least move up as opposed to moving down. He said if I need something else aspire for something better not something that isn't everything. My husband also said he can't be everything to me but that he will be everything he can be and that he hopes I realize that. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 OMG and ur still having doubts! Wow your husband must really be in love with you. He may not show it like you want it to be showed but from what you have posted his feelings are there. And his advice is right if you are going to leave your husband then leave him for someone that would be your 'all' Not some lazy guy that has no ambition and is not even that great in bed. I think I will agree with fanou22 now and say since you have no kids leave them both and clear your head. You are so confused right now it's not fair to eaither of these men to keep them tagging along like this. Leave them both and figure out what you want. What I can't figure out is if your husband knows and is not telling you to leave him and the OM knows about your husband and is still with you then you have your cake and your eating it too so whats the problem? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little_Geisha Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 What I can't figure out is if your husband knows and is not telling you to leave him and the OM knows about your husband and is still with you then you have your cake and your eating it too so whats the problem? For all intents and purposes the relationship with the OM is only a friendship at this point. I still have contact with him on a daily basis and my husband is aware of this and has no problem with it. My husband isn't a jealous man and he understands that I care very much for the OM and would hate to not have him in my life. I have verbally made the decision to work on my marriage and end the relationship with the OM but my mind is having an awful time with believing I made the right decision. Some days I know I have made the right one and some days I have a bit of doubt that makes me wonder if I am making the biggest mistake of my life, as my OM keeps claiming. Thanks for all your help with this. You all have helped me realize some things. I appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Walk away and do what you feel is right. If you and your OM are meant to be then it will be. Maybe not in this life time but the next. Or maybe you had something in the past. I like to believe that when I have this connection with people that I just don't understand. I'm proud that you are walking away. Link to post Share on other sites
Kasey70 Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 I think your H sounds like a really good and caring guy. I know you're confused right now, however I think if you remain in contact with the OM be it friends or whatever, its possible that your H may end up making your mind up for you. He may get tired of this and be very hurt and decide to do what he thinks is best for him and his sanity. Just because he appears to be ok with things, doesn't mean he truly is. Hope all works out. Link to post Share on other sites
firemanwife Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 I can only explain that I know what you are going through and it is so hard to explain feelings towars others unless they are in your shoes!!!! The feeling of utter confusion is overwhelming!!!! If only we could tell the future it would be so much easier!! I have a huband of 6 years and OM who I am in love with!!!! Husband is trying to fix relationship , which amazes me!!! Yet all I can think about is the OM and the true passion and emotions that we feel for each other!! It is uncontrolable and the greatest love that I have ever known. Yet it is the hardest decision to get out of because I do have 2 younger children!!! I am trying to make the best decision for everyone and it is so hard!! It is hard to go back to a man that I haven't been happy with for a long time!! Him and his family are pressuring me to work things out! When I feel like leaving!!! I have known the other man for years and we have always had an admiration ofr each other--now we have a spiritual and magical conncetion like no other. He is standing by every decision I make----but yet I am so confused!!! So hang in there and know that it is not ony you that is going through this!! I guess time and faith will get us all through it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpion1691 Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 I am going throught same situatin except the other foot. I did not know my fell out of love for me untill I found out she was seeing another. I have 5 kids, 4 of which are still at home. My biggest fault is I did everything for her so she could do what ever she wanted, She took another step, Since I worked hard at my job and at home she had time to play, now she is inlove with another without speaking up. She decided to fall in love with me, we decided to have kids and it's out job to make every effort to make it work, as long as someone else is in the picture, your current marriage will be a fog, and only build stress. You need to choose, If you choose another it should be no surprise that he may want the kids and in my eyes if he was loyal all this time and you chose not too, you loose by the fault. Link to post Share on other sites
I Survived Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Take charge of your life. Leave the other person who is stealing the time and affection that should be spent on your spouse. Find out what makes you tick. Ask yourself why you won't let your spouse meet your emotional needs. My husband and I have gone through hell because he strayed. We faced our demons and now we're working at an even better relationship than we ever had. I'd like to suggest..... Get a note book and start writing. Write about your earliest memories, pages and pages - you'll find out why you do the things you do. It will all make sense. Once you discover yourself and figure out what you need, everything else will fall into place. Be brave - you can do it. It will be the best thing you've ever done for yourself. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpion1691 Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Thats good information , I have actually done alot of that, Went to couseling, read books like "Men are from mars" Kept a juornal. I have learned alot about my self and her. I know for a fact I was wrong or could have been better in some areas. She has not been open to any of it. The biggest problem is communication, She has not learned a bit, she still holds it all inside. I ask just about anything on my mind. Since I don't get any answers from her, I get them here. I am working on healing but can't truly heal until she decides to love me or keep loving somebody else, she is still in the house. I don't leave because I am not giving up my life and kids because she decides to play. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little_Geisha Posted August 11, 2004 Author Share Posted August 11, 2004 Thanks for all the advice. I actually had a long time with my H last night and he confessed that he would prefer that the OM were out of our lives but that he hasn't made any demands on me because either way it would be hard. He looks at it that he either has to deal with the fact that I'm still friends with the OM or deal with the misery I feel when I can't be friends with the OM. My H said my misery is his misery so he's letting me sort out my own situation and just hopes that I don't let the OM come between us again. I brought this up because the OM asked me to spend the day at the beach (just as friends) together in a next weekend. At first I wanted to do this but after I thought about it I decided it might be a bad idea. I need to start seeing my husband as "the one" instead of worrying that my OM might be "the one". It's hard because he stirs something me that no one has. Thanks again for the help. Link to post Share on other sites
I Survived Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Good decision not to go to the beach with him. Just remember two things. Don't do or say anything to anyone that you wouldn't do or say if your husband was standing right there beside you. You need to feel valued by your husband and he needs to feel valued by you. You are on your way to a better life, girlfriend. God bless! Don't be afraid. I'm rooting for you. P.S. Thank you for the opportunity to help myself as well. I know now how precious my marriage is to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpion1691 Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 I aplaud you , you did great. I hope you can stay strong in the right direction. Hopefully your husband will understand a little more of your needs. You were missing something in your life. I too am missing passion and love. Keep talking and build a good life for you two. Good Job. Link to post Share on other sites
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