Do they usually make contact after ending it?

[neveragain34]

Long story short...was in affair for 5 months. Was serious and very much in love. His wife lived 8 hours away so we were out in the open and practically lived together and I had my own key to his apt. (I didn't know he was married in the beginning; he said he was divorced and it was easy to believe since she lives far away.)

 

She came to visit for Thanksgiving (with their two kids) and that's when everything changed. She suspected his affair (no proof; said she just knew and could feel it). He also found out she is talking to another man (she swears nothing physical has happened but the guy wants more). She doesn't believe him; he believes her. When everything started spinning out of control he said he needed to take a step back from us. I said we should just end it all together while he sorts all this out. We spent one last night together and both cried when I left the next morning. This was 8 days ago and there has been no contact since. I miss him so much, but know this is the best thing to do.

 

My question is, do they usually break and make contact or was that really the end? I won't lie and say I don't want him to make contact. I do, but I know it's wrong and I will not be the first to make contact. I just want to be prepared if he does.

 

Any advice would help. Thanks!

[Drseussgrrl]

For your sake you better hope not.

[canuckprincess]

Long story short...was in affair for 5 months. Was serious and very much in love. His wife lived 8 hours away so we were out in the open and practically lived together and I had my own key to his apt. (I didn't know he was married in the beginning; he said he was divorced and it was easy to believe since she lives far away.)

 

She came to visit for Thanksgiving (with their two kids) and that's when everything changed. She suspected his affair (no proof; said she just knew and could feel it). He also found out she is talking to another man (she swears nothing physical has happened but the guy wants more). She doesn't believe him; he believes her. When everything started spinning out of control he said he needed to take a step back from us. I said we should just end it all together while he sorts all this out. We spent one last night together and both cried when I left the next morning. This was 8 days ago and there has been no contact since. I miss him so much, but know this is the best thing to do.

 

My question is, do they usually break and make contact or was that really the end? I won't lie and say I don't want him to make contact. I do, but I know it's wrong and I will not be the first to make contact. I just want to be prepared if he does.

 

Any advice would help. Thanks!

 

I believe if he truly loves you he will make contact. I'm basing this on personal experience. I however wouldn't make contact with him. Once the dust settles and his wife has let her guard down he will contact you or be looking for his next ow.

[veryhappy]

You're living the worst of it.

 

He might contact you again, in a few months. You might also get a no contact letter or call from him under his wife's eyes depending how they are managing the reconciliation.

 

What you need to be prepared for if you hear from him again is the additional pain of seeing he only wants an A. You say it was serious, so that will hurt. You need to make up your mind before he contacts you if you want the A to completely stop. If you are done with the A, you need to focus on the idea that you are moving on. Hard to do, but I thought I was dying and I'm still breathing.

[BrokenPrincess]

Cutedragon - I just want to say thank you for your responses to OW who post here right after the end of the A. When I landed here in despair on day 2 NC, I didn't think I could even get through one day and your post really stood out as honest, calm, definitive, and non-judgmental. It literally gave me the only hope that I would ever stop crying and start functioning again. So thank you for that.

 

OP- My xMM had DDay 7 weeks ago and I have not heard from him since we said goodbye. I haven't contacted him at all either, but I do still think about him every day. We're both married with no plans to leave our spouses, so it's for the best that we stay NC as we both refocus on our marriages, but a part of me does still wish he would reach out.

[whichwayisup]

.was in affair for 5 months. Was serious and very much in love. His wife lived 8 hours away so we were out in the open and practically lived together and I had my own key to his apt. (I didn't know he was married in the beginning; he said he was divorced and it was easy to believe since she lives far away.)

 

5 month affair vs years of marriage and 2 children. I don't want to be blunt here, but he LIED to you about being divorced, then you chose to continue on with him, knowing the real truth.

 

He is choosing to believe he wife because there's still something there, something between them. In your situation so far, from what I've read, it doesn't seem likely he'll leave his wife to be with you, break up his family unit as one.

Yes, he may call or text you, but only to continue the A, not to pursue something long lasting (divorce his wife to be with you).

 

If I were you, no matter how tough this is for you, really walk away and block all ways of contact with him so you can heal and move on. If you stay and hope for him to be in your life, you'll be second fiddle and still be the OW. I take it you want more..Your own children, a husband, and a happy household.. You just won't find that with him. He has that already.

[whichwayisup]

I believe if he truly loves you he will make contact. I'm basing this on personal experience. I however wouldn't make contact with him. Once the dust settles and his wife has let her guard down he will contact you or be looking for his next ow.

 

How is that love? Him contacting her could have absolutely nothing to do with love, it could be addicted behaviour formed during the affair. Not being able to stay away, that affair dynamic, that intensity. If this guy truly loves her and the A is over, he'll respect her, leave her alone and allow her to grieve the loss without influencing her or woo her back into having an affair. If he truly loves her, he'll end his marriage and go find her in the proper way..Not go back to her to keep her as his side dish.

[Pierre]

I believe if he truly loves you he will make contact. I'm basing this on personal experience. I however wouldn't make contact with him. Once the dust settles and his wife has let her guard down he will contact you or be looking for his next ow.

 

Are you assuming true love is selfishness and cake eating? Obviously MOM wants to stay married.

 

Calling back OW to restart the affair is selfishness ( MOM is not divorcing his wife).

 

If MOM truly loved the OW he would get a divorce and then call the OW.

[neveragain34]

This isn't his first rodeo. I would get tested for STD's asap.

 

I did get tested as soon as I found out he was married. All came out negative.

[neveragain34]

Thank you all for your responses. As much as I want him to contact, I hope he doesn't. It will only set me back farther. Today was the first time I felt like I was functioning again. The last 8 days were full of tears, sleep (through the help of pills), and no appetite. On the brightside, I lost 4 pounds thanks to him!

 

Some of us will have to agree to disagree on whether or not he truly "loved" me. I felt it was real and only him and I can really be the judge of that since we walk in our own shoes. I do believe it is possible to love two people at the same time, but I know 5 months with someone is not enough to give up 15 years with someone else. I have never had this expectation and he never made that empty promise. I knew this would come to an end at some point, I just didn't expect it so soon. Things were going so well, then one day the rug was suddenly pulled from underneath my feet. That's what has made this so hard.

[whichwayisup]

He probably did love and care about you, but at the end of the day, he wasn't ever going to give up what he has with his wife. Don't minimize what you felt during your affair with him. Obviously you meant something to him. It's just that a 5 month affair vs the history he shares with his wife, their kids etc is more important to him and that takes priority.

 

Change your email address. Change your cell number. Make it impossible for him to contact you, this way it'll be easier on you. The ego part of you wants him to call and chase you but the realistic side, your head and heart know that it is for the best the NC sticks.

 

You can get through this, you were fine before he came into your life, you'll be fine again. Allow yourself to grieve the loss and surround yourself with friends and family that always have your back. Be glad it ended now and not 1 year or 4 years from now.

 

Oh and go shopping! Spoil yourself! Or get a haircut, change it up a bit so you can feel good.

[neveragain34]

His ears must have been buzzing last night; he made indirect contact...

 

When we were together, we'd sometimes look at the Craigslist personals to get a good laugh, particularly the "missed connections" section. During a fight once, we both posted silly things there meant for each other. Well last night, he posted something I knew was meant for me. It read: "Thank you. My new little friend is rolling on the floor making me laugh. You are an incredible woman and I miss you deeply."

 

He was referring to a toy monkey I had bought him when we were together (we called each other love monkey and dream monkey). I bought it over Thanksgiving break, when I was on vacation and his wife was here. I mailed it recently and he must have picked it up from the post office yesterday.

 

I'm glad he posted on CL and didn't send me a direct text or email. I am less compelled to respond to it and can pretend I never saw it this way. I'm also disappointed in the post. After all we've been through, that's all I get?

 

Whichwayisup, I am taking you up on your advice and getting a new cut this week, massage, and a pedicure. I would go shopping, but I'm trying to loose those last 8 pounds I've been reaching for to fit into a size 4. Almost there, then I'll go shopping! I worked out yesterday at CrossFit and that seems to really help as well. I can do this!!!

[Pierre]

His ears must have been buzzing last night; he made indirect contact...

 

When we were together, we'd sometimes look at the Craigslist personals to get a good laugh, particularly the "missed connections" section. During a fight once, we both posted silly things there meant for each other. Well last night, he posted something I knew was meant for me. It read: "Thank you. My new little friend is rolling on the floor making me laugh. You are an incredible woman and I miss you deeply."

 

He was referring to a toy monkey I had bought him when we were together (we called each other love monkey and dream monkey). I bought it over Thanksgiving break, when I was on vacation and his wife was here. I mailed it recently and he must have picked it up from the post office yesterday.

 

I'm glad he posted on CL and didn't send me a direct text or email. I am less compelled to respond to it and can pretend I never saw it this way. I'm also disappointed in the post. After all we've been through, that's all I get?

 

Whichwayisup, I am taking you up on your advice and getting a new cut this week, massage, and a pedicure. I would go shopping, but I'm trying to loose those last 8 pounds I've been reaching for to fit into a size 4. Almost there, then I'll go shopping! I worked out yesterday at CrossFit and that seems to really help as well. I can do this!!!

 

Sending each other cryptic messages using CL is contact. And contact prevents you from healing.

 

By the way MOM loves you within the affair bubble. MOM loves you deeply as his OW, there is no doubt. This love is pure within the affair compartment and many MOMs are perfectly capable of living in compartments. Once the integrity of the compartment is ruptured things get complicated. The interference (or presence) of his actual wife and children becomes very real.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

He probably did love and care about you, but at the end of the day, he wasn't ever going to give up what he has with his wife. Don't minimize what you felt during your affair with him. Obviously you meant something to him. It's just that a 5 month affair vs the history he shares with his wife, their kids etc is more important to him and that takes priority.

 

Change your email address. Change your cell number. Make it impossible for him to contact you, this way it'll be easier on you. The ego part of you wants him to call and chase you but the realistic side, your head and heart know that it is for the best the NC sticks.

 

You can get through this, you were fine before he came into your life, you'll be fine again. Allow yourself to grieve the loss and surround yourself with friends and family that always have your back. Be glad it ended now and not 1 year or 4 years from now.

 

Oh and go shopping! Spoil yourself! Or get a haircut, change it up a bit so you can feel good.

 

This is all great advice here. The longer you hang on the harder it'll be to let go. Speaking from personal experience.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

I'm at almost 3 weeks with no contact, and I truly don't expect any. He's doing what he needs and wants to do to try to rebuild his marriage, and I don't belong anywhere in that equation.

[Pierre]

I'm at almost 3 weeks with no contact, and I truly don't expect any. He's doing what he needs and wants to do to try to rebuild his marriage, and I don't belong anywhere in that equation.

 

When you are breaking up it is much better to never hear from MOP.

 

Unless your ego is fragile end needs validation.

[missy268]

Mine made contact with me - but he did come back to where we both once worked (he was transferred back to work)

 

Ever since he's come back (April time) he's slowly but surely made more and more contact outside of work

 

It's hard not to text him back, and he doesn't understand why i don't

 

It's also hard to go NC whilst i have to see him at work (i only see him twice a fortnight but still) it takes me a while to get over seeing him again

[justcantletgo]

My MM of 18 months has last contacted me 2 months ago and I'm still not over him, telling me to just be friends when I confronted him all of his lies. And just like you, I am missing him like crazy everyday, hoping he would contact me one day. He also lied to me about being married (read my previous threads) and a lot more other things. Now he's doing R and MC with his BW of 13 years and I'm pretty sure I'm his last of priorities right now after the DDay. I don't want to contact him on phone or email coz I know only her could read them. She even recently re-activated his old fb profile with a picture of them together not knowing he had 2 hidden profiles where he used to talk to me that she didn't know about (and both were currently deactivated or deleted by him)

[RickFox]

My xMW contacted me after she told me to leave her alone and never talk to her again.

 

That was back in May, bout 8 or 9 months after our A ended. I saw her two one word messages a month after they were sent and upon responding got a cold indifferent response so I pretty much said F that and kept on keeping on.

 

I won't lie, I used to wish like hell she would contact me and there are still days (few and far between)I wish she would reach out again, so I can tell her to EFF off and take a flying leap but most days, I can't concern myself with it.

 

You don't get to throw me under the bus, call me stalker and make me into the bad guy and then get to act like none of it happened and try to say hello. That in and of itself ought to keep anyone from wanting further contact or allowing it

[veryhappy]

Cutedragon - I just want to say thank you for your responses to OW who post here right after the end of the A. When I landed here in despair on day 2 NC, I didn't think I could even get through one day and your post really stood out as honest, calm, definitive, and non-judgmental. It literally gave me the only hope that I would ever stop crying and start functioning again. So thank you for that.

 

I'm happy to hear I am helpful, because I know exactly that place of reeling with pain. I had a crying spell tonight, and I just want it to be over. I'm still struggling to move on and make sense of my life, while he's probably happy as a clam. I gave up making sense of what happened for now, simply because it only fries my brain and I get nowhere. I believe this is the type of pain where only people who've been there get it.

 

His ears must have been buzzing last night; he made indirect contact...

 

When we were together, we'd sometimes look at the Craigslist personals to get a good laugh, particularly the "missed connections" section. During a fight once, we both posted silly things there meant for each other. Well last night, he posted something I knew was meant for me. It read: "Thank you. My new little friend is rolling on the floor making me laugh. You are an incredible woman and I miss you deeply."

 

He was referring to a toy monkey I had bought him when we were together (we called each other love monkey and dream monkey). I bought it over Thanksgiving break, when I was on vacation and his wife was here. I mailed it recently and he must have picked it up from the post office yesterday.

 

I'm glad he posted on CL and didn't send me a direct text or email. I am less compelled to respond to it and can pretend I never saw it this way. I'm also disappointed in the post. After all we've been through, that's all I get?

 

 

That is all you get, yes. The nature of these non-relationships. The moment the wife sprinkles some of her sparkle on them, they become the good obedient boys that they were to them.

 

The trivial messages mean one thing for sure...he has nothing to offer you. Does he miss you? Sure. Does it matter? Not really.

[Cali408]

His ears must have been buzzing last night; he made indirect contact...

 

When we were together, we'd sometimes look at the Craigslist personals to get a good laugh, particularly the "missed connections" section. During a fight once, we both posted silly things there meant for each other. Well last night, he posted something I knew was meant for me. It read: "Thank you. My new little friend is rolling on the floor making me laugh. You are an incredible woman and I miss you deeply."

 

He was referring to a toy monkey I had bought him when we were together (we called each other love monkey and dream monkey). I bought it over Thanksgiving break, when I was on vacation and his wife was here. I mailed it recently and he must have picked it up from the post office yesterday.

 

I'm glad he posted on CL and didn't send me a direct text or email. I am less compelled to respond to it and can pretend I never saw it this way. I'm also disappointed in the post. After all we've been through, that's all I get?

 

Whichwayisup, I am taking you up on your advice and getting a new cut this week, massage, and a pedicure. I would go shopping, but I'm trying to loose those last 8 pounds I've been reaching for to fit into a size 4. Almost there, then I'll go shopping! I worked out yesterday at CrossFit and that seems to really help as well. I can do this!!!

 

 

Here's one more piece of advice, get off CL, you knew you were looking for him reminiscing. How did it make you feel? I bet your heart hit your throat. It's addicting I know, I've been there. Stay off the internet as much a possible, delete your facebook account and change everything.

 

You deserve a real man, not someone who is playing house 8 hours away from his wife and kids. Each day farther away, you're closer to getting over it.

[promises]

He'll make contact again to feel in control of the situation and you. It'll feel great for a few days and then he'll disappear again. In my case this went on for a couple of months until one day I got a therapist or wife delivered email stating NC. to which he contacted me a week later. These guys are a. Holes. How kind is that to control someones emotions on a switch like that.. As hard as it is to hear, everyone is right when they say ignore him.

[Sparkly24]

Between us, my mm and I have ended it three times. I have been having a platonic relationship with him since August. The first was after dday and he told me that he couldnt mess me around because I was too young (im 24) and he was stopping me from living my life and letting me meet someone my own age. He told me that if I was older he would have left his wife for me. He said that after the initial lust had faded out then it wouldn't work because I would want to go out all the time and he would want to stay in. I cried and cried and he told me I would get over him a lot quicker than he would get over me. He told me that he would think about me every day. Within days we were back in contact (cant remember who made the first move). Then the second time, he decided that 12 years of marriage could not be broken up for 4 months of a fling with someone he has only ever met once. And the age thing again. He thinks Im in love with him because I am lonely at the moment and I cant meet anyone better right now. He told me he was going to try and sit down with his W and work out how he feels about her and if he wants to be with her or not. He felt guilty for keeping me on the scene while he went through that process with his W. On dday he told her that he had never loved her. A week later he was in touch and since then we really got close. On Saturday he initiated another NC and told me that he would be in touch after he had time to focus. I told him that I couldnt go through any of it anymore and that I didnt want to hear from him again which I regretted straight after the phonecall. And there he was this evening, a little text that popped up and it completely floored me after 4 days of not sleeping and not eating from the hurt. 'Right, tried to resist not contacting you but gave up. Thinking of you.' I hate him for being so perfect and so wrong at the same time!

[neveragain34]

I'm confused.... I thought you were done with him since he was trolling craigslist looking for women? So you and he use craigslist to make contact and play around? I'm confused

 

I know; it's confusing! When I first caught him on CL (internet history), he said he went there for kicks and to get a good laugh by reading "missed connections" and the personals. I believed him and would look too with him. So since I knew he looked at missed connections (for fun I thought), I posted something there once meant for him and from there, we would both post things meant for each other during our two NC periods.

 

Make sense?

 

Now I know he was not there for fun and realize just how naive and dumb I was. You live and learn.