I did something horrible, please tell me our friendship isn't ruined!!!

[MericStar]

New here, any info. would be MUCH appreciated. Let me give you all a run down before I get to the heart of the story.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. Threw him I have met some of my now best friends. Including his best friend (since high school) and his girlfriend. The 4 of us (both couples) have been great friends. We hang out every weekend, and do mostly everything together. We are all young (ages 21-24) so we all party together a lot, which leds to drinking together a lot.

 

My friends just recently got married, bought a house, and a puppy. There marriage and relationship has been perfect. Last weekend we were all at their house (with quite a few other friends) having a cookout/party. Everyone got really drunk, and people started passing out early. Including our friends wife. It started getting late and people were all going to bed. My boyfriend went to bed and I stayed awake. It ended up being just me and our friend, the husband.

 

Throughout the night, my friend (the husband) and I had been flirting really bad. Which isn't uncommon for us, especially when we are drunk. His wife even sees it sometimes and blows it off...it's usually always in fun-rarely serious! So tonight wasn't any different. But it got really different after everyone left just the two of us alone.

 

We ended up going to the backyard, by the firepit, far from the house, and having sex. At least I think we did.(I know we did) The next day, oddly enough WASN'T strange at all. We all hung out and went our seperate ways. I was even trying to remember if what had happened between us was real, or maybe a odd drunken dream.

 

The next morning, the husband called me on his was to work. He told me he couldn't live with this lie and had to tell his wife. He turned around, told his wife not to go to work, and told her everything he remembered. He also doesn't rememeber how far it went, but nevertheless it was cheating.

 

I told my boyfriend, who has been unbelievably understanding. He wants to remain friends with them, as do I. Very VERY much so. I know just because we were drunk, its NO excuse. But I haven't talked with the wife. Its been a few days now and I want to contact her SO bad. I have so much I want to say to her. My boyfriend said to give her time. Which I will. So I guess my question is, will we be able to be friends again? I dont know if I could go on if we lost our friendship. We share so many friends together, it would break the whole group up.

 

I wish all these damn thoughts would have crossed my mind before I decided to go through with the feelings and curiousity that led me to cheating. I've always had feelings for my friends husband, but never thought it would lead to this.

 

Please help. I need to save this friendship - these people mean more to me than the world. I can't believe I did such a horrible act. I put everything on the line, for one very fast moment of pleasure.

[Papillon]

People do crazy things when they are drunk, that's fer sure.

 

The thing is, will everyone see it in this light, or will everyone make a big deal out of it?

 

I know some people are going to say "don't matter how drunk you were, you still made the decision". I'm of the firm belief, having experienced it myself, that being drunk makes us do things we'd NEVER consider normally.

 

So he stuck his wee wee in your naa naa. So what - you were drunk, and you can work through this.

[Pocky]

How long many hours/days have passed since he told his wife and you haven't spoken to her?

[Leikela]

I tend to believe that what we do DRUNK is a result of what we truly desire to do SOBER. The alcohol just takes away any conscience or reasoning so we act on what we want to do.

 

Let's face it. We're all human and all have thoughts and feelings that we would never act on. Sometimes when the situation presents itself and alcohol has taken over our rational mind, things happen.

 

Whether your friendship is salvageable is really up to the wife. It sounds like she is the one that got hurt the most out of all of this. What you really need to focus on is why you let yourself have feelings for the husband like this. You're all so young. Maybe you need to go out and see what else is out there before settling down with your boyfriend of 5 years. Just a thought...

[MericStar]

This all happened Saturday night, and first thing monday morning was when she found out. She actually called me monday morning (about 15 minutes after he told her) But she just asked, how far did it go? I told her I didn't remember exactly, then she said, ok and hung up. I haven't been able to talk to her since.

[The_Analyzer]

I would suggest if you all want to remain friends, to stop some of the partying/drinking when you all are around each other. If it has happened once, whose to say it wouldn't happen again if you all got drunk. Its one thing for something like that to happen between 2 people that aren't drunk and know what they're doing, but its another when its alcohol induced.

[MericStar]

I regards to what someone posted, I dont know why I have had feelings for my friends husband. I think its just because we are such good friends and have such a good time together that we've just become very close. And I think I just see how they are together as a couple, I get somewhat jealous (?) Maybe.

 

Now, I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't think about anything but them. I can't think about anyone but her. I love her to death and dont know what I could possible say to make anything better. I can't even imagine what she is going through, and what she thinks of me. I hate myself for doign this to them.

[Kasey70]

Since you have feelings for your friends H, all the more reason to stay away. I'll be honest with ya. I know you'd like to continue to be friends with them but I don't think thats possible. You have admitted you have feelings for this person, which means wheather you all are drunk or not, it may happen again. If you care about your friend and his wife like you say. then leave well enough alone. Don't make the same mistake again. The best way to avoid that, is to move on.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I think your boyfriend is amazing. How do you think you would be feeling if he had humiliated, disrespected and betrayed you behind your back the way you did to him. I assume you did not even bother to use protection. You put the knife in deeper by wanting to continue to hang with him. How do you think you would feel if your boyfriend wanted to still hang with the girl he had sex with? It is clear you have no idea the damage you have done to your boyfriend. It is touching that you could also do this to the wife of the husband who you claim is a dear friend. Her marriage will always be touched by this infidelity. It sounds like you have such little respect for a boyfriend of five years that you would flirt with this man in front of your boyfriend and then have sex with him when your boyfriend went to sleep. All you write about is how you have such strong feelings for the husband. I think your boyfriend deserves to be with someone who can trust and respect him and this person is clearly not you.

[MericStar]

I think my BF is amazing too. But he knows this is more complicated then just feelings for his friend. And I don't have "feelings" for the H per say. Like I said, we are just great friends, and it went too far. I have been torn up beyond belief over this, and it would never - ever in a million years happen again. I also dont think its fair for you to say I dont deserve to be with my boyfriend. I want to work through this for all of us. Not just so I can be close to the H again. The H is my boyfriends bestfriend. He was the best man at the wedding. I can in no way take back anything I did, but I can work my ass off to try to make things right. Or as close as they can be.

 

My BF already said he is totally capable of being friends with the H again. As awkward as it may be at first, the friendship that we had is worth saving. My absolute main concern right now is that of my friend the wife.

 

Today (now 3 days since she found out) I left her a letter at her house. I just told her my feelings...nothing that would upset her more....hopefully something that will help her. I told her to call me, that I really - really wanted to talk to her. And I told her that when she is ready I will be there for her; day or night. I hope to god she chooses to call.