KaiaMahina Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Approaching that 2 month mark which, to me, means that one of two things: One -- he is now at the point of no return...if he has thought better of dumping a lucious, hot-blooded, shameless wench such as myself, he would have put down the Reader's Digest, gotten off the can of indecision and contacted me or Two -- I am now at the point of no return, and if he contacts me I will have to undergo hypnotic regression to even remember who the hell he is. I have indeed frightened myself in the past by finding myself at one moment sobbing and crawling and making desperate sacrifices to dark gods to get that man back and the next moment find myself listening to his inane blather on the telephone as he whines how much he misses me and how we were meant to be together and thinking, "Did I forget to unplug the iron when I left for work this morning?" That leap from passion to utter genuine indifference makes me feel somewhat psycho. But maybe I'm just shallow. In the meantime, I have been plunged into a mad, boiling sea of painful (yet sometimes exhilerating) transformative chaos. Lacking a human being of the opposite sex on which to lavish some of myself upon, I find I must channel all my intellectual/sexual/psychological/spiritual energies entirely elsewhere. I'm crazy go nuts! Do I want to find a better job in Boston, or do I want to find a better job someplace else where apparently men are men instead of sneaking weasels? Do I want to take up bellydancing for fun or quit my day job and bill myself as "She Who May Be Looked At, But Never Touched"? Do I want to move to New Orleans and find a place in the French Quarter and drink coffee and rum for breakfast on my iron railed verandah? Do I want to learn Portuguese or Mohawk or both? Do I want to start that writing career I've been "starting" since I was old enough to hold a pencil? Do I want to take up the practice of voudou, or is Santeria the gig for me? Do I go get that dragonfly tattoo that my ex was supposed to get for me last Christmas (dragonflies were etched into the armor of samurai to symbolize triumph, or so I've heard)? Do I take up Tai Chi, or meditation, or rollerblading, or archery? The fact that the ex, with the marvelous gift of kicking someone when they're down that he obviously learned from his dear mama, told me that I "don't have much of a life" when he dumped me has something to do with this. Because he was, in some respects, correct. He didn't have the ability to judge my life in its completeness because essentially what he knew about my life could be put into a thimble with room left over for an elephant. After all, he's the one who's bankrupt; he's the one who's living in his mother's basement; he's the one whose friends consist of alcoholics, agoraphobics, and manipulative losers. I don't have much of a life, but he does?! Maybe, just maybe...this will all work out for the best. I haven't comtemplated any major changes in my life for YEARS. Maybe what I needed was a ruthless kick in the ass to get me moving. I'm finding that it's actually possible to think in color instead of black and white...and its been a long time since I've done that. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 After all, he's the one who's bankrupt; he's the one who's living in his mother's basement; he's the one whose friends consist of alcoholics, agoraphobics, and manipulative losers. Wow... If you think about it, how can a person like THAT have a normal healthy relationship? We tend to hang around our own kind. He has a ton of issues. It's better it ended now before it could have potentially gotten uglier down the line. You never really knew the "real" him, I don't think. If someone truly loves someone, you don't drop them like that and then drop off the face of the earth. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Congratulations on taking away a valuable lesson for your own personal growth out of all of this. Not many people have the ability to do this. Good will come from your pain and suffering. You were in love with an illusion and in the aftermath you're learning and growing. You're getting there girl! Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
aFighter Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 "a lucious, hot-blooded, shameless wench such as myself" ooo me doth feel like going a-wenching! lol. Forget him, seriously. It's not worth your time. I'm at the 6 week mark and I'm thinking "what the hell was I miserable over!?2 She's a lousey two-timing [expletive deleted by me] and best left on the trash pile where she crawled from. Archery is fun. I take part in the archery competitions at the castle every summer & I've won a few prizes. You should always be out there expanding your horizons and learning new stuff. There's no such thing as 'seen & done it all'. Hope everything works out for you & you meet a guy that'll treat you with the respect and dignity every decent woman deserves Link to post Share on other sites
Spinzel Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Both archery and bellydancing are fun!! I engage in them quite often. I'd recommend joining the SCA, if you haven't done so already. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Yeah, kaia, if you're into dressing like a mideval wench, the SCA is def. awesome. You can learn to sword fight, joust, whatever you want to do. :-) Plus, the costumes are hella hot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KaiaMahina Posted August 11, 2004 Author Share Posted August 11, 2004 Yes, Leikela, I was in love with an illusion, or I was having a delusion, one or the other. I wouldn't be surprised if he turned up on the Academy Awards for Best Actor in A Relationship. And aFighter... you've won prizes in archer? How big is your bow? Seriously, that sounds cool...and at a for-real castle! And thanks for the SCA tip, Spinzel and YellowLioness! I'm just really getting the vibes that this was meant to catapult me out of the rut I had gotten myself into, and would have only gotten worse if I had married that dysfunctional dunderklumpen and became mired in his stable full of horses**t. But weirdly, I'm getting these...how to describe them...synchronistic signs. When I was going to bed the other night, I suddenly felt the sort of atmosphere that used to settle around me after he had called in the evening. A kind of peace and happiness, and for a moment I thought he had called, and that all of this was an aberration. But whatever it was, it felt nice, and had come on its own, without his call. I've taken up running and when running through the cemetery (no cars, no dogs, no rubberneckers) a couple days ago, I found a little red nylon parachute, the kind that kids play with usually attached to a little action figure. My ex was a paratrooper in the military. Creepy. Yesterday, I stopped at a red light and noticed that the car in front of me had license plates from the state he lives in. Looking closer, I discovered that the car was bought from a dealer in the town he lives in! And it's not like he lives in a big city, or something. He lives in a pretty obscure little s***heap, 250 from where I live. What are the chances? Last night I felt "troubled." I was brought up with many Native beliefs and philosophies, and got the sensation that I was being troubled by someone. (Some of us believe that certain people, usually shamans, can "visit" you in the dreamland.) Woke up from a dead sleep, and couldn't rest for a couple of hours. When I did sleep, there were vague dreams of my ex. And I had had a good day and had hardly thought of him since seeing that stupid license plate. Anyway, all of this either means that he's affecting me in some way, or that these are the last vestiges being swept away. Or I'm psychologically/spiritually sweeping those vestiges away myself. Before I met him, I was inundated with dragonflies. Live ones. Pictured ones. Symbolic ones. Everywhere I went. I took a walk with a friend one day and we ran into a virtual cloud of them --- hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dragonflies. She said she'd never seen anything like it. I told another friend, "Someone is going to happen. Something is going to change in my life. The dragonflies are a sign. I feel something or someone coming." And then my ex showed up and it was a great relationship...while it lasted. At least it ended abruptly instead of spiraling down into a dreary mess. But I'm used to signs and omens and such things, so all of this stuff I'm experiencing now will ultimately reveal something. Who knows what. But for the first time in a long time, I'm excited about what I can experience and accomplish in the future. And that's pretty damn good. Link to post Share on other sites
gobain Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 KaiaMahina, Thank you. Your words give me endless surprise and laughter, your attitude gives me hope, and your spirituality helps me to remember my own. I'm sorry for what you've been through, but reading your posts has really made things better for me in my own journey to get over the pain. I don't always respond, but I'm always reading. Your North Shore Compatriot, Gobain Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Do I want to start that writing career I've been "starting" since I was old enough to hold a pencil? Hell Yes! Your posts have already earned a few fans. Myself included!! Copywrite this stuff before someone else steals your thunder. It's absolutely BRILLIANT! Link to post Share on other sites
aFighter Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by KaiaMahina And aFighter... you've won prizes in archer? How big is your bow? Seriously, that sounds cool...and at a for-real castle I use a traditional long bow about 6ft tall. No pulley things like a *cough whimpy, whimpy* compact bow Yes it is a for-real castle. Kilkenny Castle Link to post Share on other sites
Author KaiaMahina Posted August 11, 2004 Author Share Posted August 11, 2004 Whew! Overwhelmed Enigma and gobain (up here on the North Shore) by your kind words! Shucks, t'warn't nothin'! Sometimes laughter and spirituality are the only things that bring me out of the dark ages. That, and finding that I'm not so different from anyone else picking their way down these thorny paths. You always think, "Oh no one can understand how dismal this is! No one has ever suffered this way before! I'm so uniquely wretched that I will never be happy again." But the very same people who are telling you to pull your saggy ass up off the asphalt and hobble just a few more feet...are the same ones who had once thought they would never be happy again. And no, you're never happy again in quite that same way. What's that proverb? You can never step in the same river twice? I probably got that from watching old reruns of Kung Fu, but what the hell. It serves. Grab that pebble and RUN, grasshopper! I won't turn down a different kind of happy, in any of its variations. aFighter --- dude! I knew you were no compact bow man! When someone tries to interest me in a "really sweet compact" I rain scorn upon their head! I tell them I want the real thing. And absolutely it would be a longbow. Castle Kilkenny! Link to post Share on other sites
Spinzel Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 Hear hear, aFighter. I don't go near compounds myself. I use a Fred Bear Montana longbow (45# because I AM a woman, and a short one at that, and anything else is just not great for me) myself, and do pretty well if I may say so. In addition to that I have a traditional 72" red oak longbow. Link to post Share on other sites
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