Weird Emotional affair with Old married guy

[rachelle]

I need help So I stupidly accidentely developed feelings for this married guy that i worked with he was thirty eight for the last 4 months. I'm 20. I started liking him before I even knew he's martial status. And once I found out I tried to stop liking him but if you have ever experienced a once in a life time type, intense chemistry type connection with someone you probably know how impossible it is to just stop the feelings at the drop of a hat. I hardly ever get feelings for people. It's rare to come by someone that I find amazing for some reason.

 

Anyway nothing physical happened. the flirting started mutually.

When it first started it seemed like he was really infatuated with me, like he was in love with me or something. he even made something for me and said he made it with love. he would follow me around, give me consistent lovey eyes all day long, coming over and saying hello to me all shy like in the morning with a cheeky smile and a wink, extremely obvious sexual comments and suggestions, deep and meaningful conversations and advice acting like he really cared about me and got angry at me when i talked about a dangerous situation i had got myself into (wasnt extreme at all, rather minor) but he flipped out at me and got all worried and protective.

 

Also trying to touch my hand and brush against me, asking if i will brush his hair, trying to make me jealous, then when he seen me coming and was having a Convo with another girl he would look at me and walk away from them mid Convo leaving them really confused.

came and asked questions to answers he already knew, would put his hand on my shoulder and arm, trying hard to get my attention constantly, would pass me something and touch my hand on purpose, Tried to hold my hand at the printer. I started falling hard.

 

And then... he just started ignoring me, and avoiding me like the plague for a few days, so I would avoid him too not even saying hello or looking at each other walking past in a narrow hallway that would go on for about 4 days then he would give me loads of attention again for the next 4 days and it would start all over again. Then he would slowly give me less and less attention.

 

And then he would be really mean and nasty to me for no reason. Had a go at me for having a "drug and alcohol problem'out of the blue even though ive never touched drugs and hardly drink. He even called me a twat. And I said that he made me sad and he looked pleased with himself and said how do i make you happy again then. And I said I don't know. And he said what makes you happy? and I said I'm not sure and he said jeez that's pretty sad dear simple things make me happy like my wife buying me new jeans. So I took that as a red flag and avoided and ignored all eye contact for the next few days. Wrote a vague status about it. And even though didn't have him on Facebook he would always hint about what exactly was in my status's so I knew he lurked my Facebook most nights, BUT he would still continue to be super mean to me.. So i was SUPER confused. So I cooled off because I thought that's what he wanted.

 

But nope me ignoring him made him more affectionate? and he commented how good looking I was and all that. So naturally i flirted back and he started avoiding me all over again so I gave up again. And because he always tried to make me jealous I thought I'd turn the tables and flirt with the guy that sits next to him... (Just to try and get him interested again) I pretended I didn't see him approaching because out of the corner of my eye I saw that he saw I was in his work area and he was going to keep walking to avoid me.but he just stood in the hall way and watched and I put my hand on the "guy that sits next to hims" shoulder and smiled and laughed and gave the guy a sexy look.

 

My crush stormed passed me and gave me the angriest most pissed off look I had ever seen.

 

And then an hour after he came over and stood next to me but didn't make eye contact with me so I tried talking to him but he just flat out ignored me so I grabbed his arm and he shook my hand off and still wouldn't look at me and then turned his back to me and started chatting up my young friend. So I just awkwardly just walked away.

 

We ignored each other for about a week after that. it was the longest time. Because he normally flirts with me like crazy when I'd ignore him for a bit, but he just started flirting with my "friend" instead...and she was flirting back in their own secret little game. I was kind of hurt because I told her how much I liked him. So much. And she said yuck gross and then started competing with me for him about a month after I told her that!? She even has a boyfriend but she would still walk past MY office crush and say "wow your looking really good today" and make eyes at him.

I started to notice he never flirts with me when she's around anymore,

their smoking cycles always clash

and she randomly asked me if he'd spoken to me lately, which was strange because he had avoided me the most he ever had that week. But I decided to say to her that he chatted me up (even though he hadnt) just to throw her off. An hour later I walked outside to have a smoke they were both out there. Dead silence. I had

walked into an awkward silence between them. Started talking to him and when he responded she got up abruptly and slammed the door?!

Then when I walked back inside with him she was flirting with "the guy that sits next to him" And when we walked past them he started intense staring at me like a stare off competition and I said what? And he laughed and said 'what'?sarcastically. As if to say "oh come on, we always make obvious eyes at each other don't play dumb" then he laughed and smiled and continued looking into my eyes it lasted for about 20 seconds to the point that we almost embraced. It made me feel like i was inlove or something.

 

But after the weekend he was right back to avoiding me again... So I ignored him for 3 days then he started chasing me again. But i had enough and decided it was the last time he could pull this ****, and continued to not give him any attention or even make eye contact with him. that drove him crazy. and made him follow me around and say my name and stare a lot.

But that same day I caught him looking at my "friend" really intensely and smiling just like he had done to me.he was talking to a guy but Almost broke his neck to check her out when she walked past

 

It really upset me.I don't know if he saw me out of the corner of his eyes and did it to make me jealous, or if he actually didn't even realise I was there.

 

Can someone explain what the hell is going on here? I've never been this bent out of shape over a guy before. Usually im the cold hearted bitch that breaks hearts but ive never had Emotions like this before. And I didn't even kiss the guy? i havent even been this depressed over past boyfriends that i dated for years,

This is Ridiculous...

 

I've learnt my lesson and my karma has kicked my ass hardcore so please no lectures or abuse. I just want someone to analyse it all for me. My heart and self esteem are so shattered (yeah I know I deserve it)

 

What do you think??

 

a.) he genuinely liked me as much as i liked him but got scared of his feelings and pulled away.

 

b.) he liked the other girl more then me and was just using me the whole time to make her jealous. (Even though she's really fat and ugly and dresses like a man) but she's 17,

And not to sound arrogant but I'm told that I look stunning like a model. I really don't even get why he flirts with her. She's got an alright face but its bubble shaped with no definition. Has a really chubby body. Is really unintelligent and makes the dumbest comments, really immature, she talks like a boy, not feminine at all. I'm trying to figure out what's so great about her. I mean. I chased him for months before she did. She only wanted him because I did.

 

Or c.) he didn't have feelings for either of us he just liked playing us against each other for an ego trip.

 

d.) he didn't mean to play games he's just a typical sleaze that loves attention from all women

 

Or E.) he's having a mid life crisy and doesn't know how to deal with all the attention.

 

I've analysed it all a billion times, and came up with a so many different explanations but still don't know. I don't work there anymore I quit that day. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about it every day for the past 4 months. And I've always been the polar opposite to a obsessive clinger type of girl. Agh He's exactly like me! I wonder if be hates/loves me the way I still do or maybe he never actually held an opinion of me

[whichwayisup]

The guy is a total jerk. He's playing the player/cat and mouse game. Shows you attention, you start to enjoy it, then he backs off and acts like a douche bag. Then the behaviour repeats itself.

 

No more tears, no more wasting your precious heart on him. He isn't worthy of you, your thoughts or your tears! okay??? Seriously, ignore him and just focus on your work, and true friends that you know at your workplace.

 

He sounds narcissistic and cruel. A person like that shouldn't be in your life.

 

Give yourself time to catch up. Meaning, your heart and all that you feel for him is real but your mind knows he's the scummy*******mofo - so the heart and head has to come together so you can rid of him once and for all.

 

Start to care less of what he does and why. Detach. What he thinks or feels, does or says, with whomever doesn't matter. Make yourself not care, not notice. In time, everything will get easier.

[whichwayisup]

Tried to edit my post but see someone else already posted after me.. So, to add, I see you quit that job.

 

Don't try to figure him out. It's a wasting your time on someone who doesn't give a crap.

[kamani]

This guy likes attention of you and other girls.

 

He is married, he's not going to leave his wife, just ignore him.

 

He is playing games to retain your attention, to boost his ego. On the other hand he knows it's wrong, because he's married and pulls away sometimes.

 

I can definitely say that he doesn't respect you or his wife. How dare he is to do all these flirting with you and other girls! Shameless fellow. He doesn't even worth a thought of you.

 

You are just a little girl, why worried about a MM? He is interested in having an affair with you, it's all sex, he doesn't love you.

 

Though you say you have never felt this before, what you feel now is merely 'attraction', something to do with sex, and not love. You'll differentiate between this when you grow older and meet a nice guy who respects you. You are infatuated don't give in to your feelings. Feelings will just fade away.

 

As this MM doesn't love you, he'll eventually give up when you neglect him.

[rachelle]

wow, I was bracing myself for a storm of abuse.. lol

 

but your advice really helps and makes me feel a lot better about myself. Thanks so much for taking the time to read my essay and reply

 

I guess I just needed to hear someone else say it. It was the first time I thought I was "in love" and thought it was mutual haha i feel like such an idiot..but I guess you're right maybe he was just a jerk. I don't understand some people.

[rachelle]

maybe i will check out that website. i didn't think he or the situation was that bad until i put it into words and have other people confirm it aghhh i don't think he's an abuser but he's definately a little sexist.. feels so good to vent.

 

I forgot to mention that the wife worked there too, but i'd never spoke to her. it was a big place. but she did look at my profile on linkedin.. which was weird...(unless it was secretly him in her account) i'm sort of glad i dodged that bullet.

 

plus the job ended so he should be starting a new one soon, i'm really curious if other girls will pay him any attention. i doubt it. (I think it was just me who found him attractive) and my 'friend' just did because i did. But i'm not sure how he'll cope without the flattery. he'll go insane maybe

[Summer Breeze]

I agree with LG and WWIU. Cruel is the word for this guy. You're going to escape it and I'm so glad of that. I feel sorry for his W being caught up in the storm. Having said that she may have lived it herself with him so it might not surprise her.

 

I think you're well advised to make tracks and fast.

[aussietigerwolf]

He's a cruel game playing assbutt

[Pierre]

What a cruel game playing asshat! He sounds abusive and narcissistic.

 

No one does the push pull thing who has a healthy outlook on relationships, what he does is extreme and you aren't the only one as you have found out. Any woman would be wise to run away from a man who creates so much drama.

 

You should consider yourself lucky that it didn't go farther, I'd bet my next paycheck this guy would abuse you.

 

Please check out the site baggage reclaim, there is a lot of helpful advice on what a normal relationship should be and you need help figuring that out.

 

The guy is married and much older. That should be more than enough.

 

OP should have never entertained the concept of love or a relationship.

[Pierre]

I agree with LG and WWIU. Cruel is the word for this guy. You're going to escape it and I'm so glad of that. I feel sorry for his W being caught up in the storm. Having said that she may have lived it herself with him so it might not surprise her.

 

I think you're well advised to make tracks and fast.

 

There is no cruelty involved unless the OP is gullible and naive enough to pay attention to a married much older man.

 

For many other young women there is no cruelty because they would not give this old married man one second of attention.

[freestyle]

You're a young woman of twenty years....

 

So, you've only had a certain amount of experience with romance.

 

(you're also likely to go through huge changes in the next five years, it's all part of the process...)

 

Men in their 40s who chase after women half their age are typically looking to boost their own egos, as they feel the decline in their virility. I've witnessed it, multiple times, IRL, and here as well. (and it happened to me when I was in my twenties...)

 

Ones who play the kind of games that your jerk did,usually don't even see the younger women for the individuals they are, they see them as objects. (or trophies) It's actually very demeaning.

 

Save your love, and your precious time for someone who values YOU from the neck up, first. Learn to sniff out the game players, and don't waste your time or emotional currency on them. Invest wisely.

[Summer Breeze]

There is no cruelty involved unless the OP is gullible and naive enough to pay attention to a married much older man.

 

For many other young women there is no cruelty because they would not give this old married man one second of attention.

 

I've disagreed with you a million times on this forum, one more time can't hurt.

[Pierre]

I've disagreed with you a million times on this forum, one more time can't hurt.

 

It is healthy to disagree.

 

Do you want a forum where everybody is in agreement?

 

That would be boring.

 

Can you point your disagreement?

[Summer Breeze]

It is healthy to disagree.

 

Do you want a forum where everybody is in agreement?

 

That would be boring.

 

Can you point your disagreement?

 

 

I agree about disagreeing being healthy. I'd stated I thought the MM was cruel to both the OP and his W. I do, you don't. That's the disagreement and rather than make something of it I thought it was easier to note we disagreed and I was fine with it.

[JamesM]

As was said...he is married.

 

Enough said.

 

We "old married guys" sometimes get our thrills from having a beautiful young woman as yourself give us attention. He could never follow through with any intention, and IMO he began pulling back to prevent you from getting to serious. It could be that his wife saw you as chasing him and told him to be careful, or it could be that he realized that she was watching.

 

Glad you moved away from him and her. Now try to understand who you are and what you need before falling into another situation like that one.

[Pierre]

I agree about disagreeing being healthy. I'd stated I thought the MM was cruel to both the OP and his W. I do, you don't. That's the disagreement and rather than make something of it I thought it was easier to note we disagreed and I was fine with it.

 

He is cruel to his wife: Agreed

 

He is cruel to OP because she fell for his moves: Agreed

 

However, he cannot be cruel to a young woman that pays no attention to him. That is what I was trying to say.

 

I also have an issue with some posters giving the impression that this guy is a jerk because he courted her like a jerk. The fact that he is married or old seems to be ignored.

 

I go further and say this guy is a jerk for courting the OP. His style of courting or personality is irrelevant to the discussion.

 

I acknowledged that OP paid a lot of attention to his courting style, but in reality that should not be the issue. A young innocent 20 y/0 has no business in responding to the tricks of this cheap old married PUA.

[RickFox]

I'm 39 and I'm not old damnit lol.

 

Of course this is done for an ego boost by us older guys, but those that follow through with it and are married, well, that's when we have problems and end up hurting others and/or ourselves (BTDT).

 

My xAP was/is ten years younger than me, to have a younger hotter woman interested in me, much less wanting to sleep with me was a HUGE ego boost at the time. I won't go down that road again and certainly wouldn't want to lead a single woman on just to feed my ego .... to me that is cruel.

[Pierre]

I'm 39 and I'm not old damnit lol.

 

 

You are a young handsome man, but OP is only 20. So the term old is ised for hyperbole.

 

And all of us love to get a boost of our ego by having a young babe lust after us.

[waterwoman]

Old?? Old!!!

 

I must be at death's door.

 

<wanders off to look for zimmer frame and slippers>

[rachelle]

Lol yes definitely was using that statement in 'metabole' I don't think that age is old at all... (seeing as i had the hots for the guy and all) was just subconciously taking my anger out on all males in that age bracket. Sorry to generalise and offend

 

Not sure whether I find it comforting or disturbing knowing that people who are "experienced" at life are just as confused as I am...and (judging by all the posts) still trying to figure things out for themselves like I am.

 

Im amazed.I didn't realise how common it was.. I think it's helped me come to the realisation that finding the perfect person is useless.. I think I'll forget about 'love' and just spend my time focusing on ways to become ridiculously rich...

[Pierre]

Lol yes definitely was using that statement in 'metabole' I don't think that age is old at all... (seeing as i had the hots for the guy and all) was just subconciously taking my anger out on all males in that age bracket. Sorry to generalise and offend

 

Not sure whether I find it comforting or disturbing knowing that people who are "experienced" at life are just as confused as I am...and (judging by all the posts) still trying to figure things out for themselves like I am.

 

Im amazed.I didn't realise how common it was.. I think it's helped me come to the realisation that finding the perfect person is useless.. I think I'll forget about 'love' and just spend my time focusing on ways to become ridiculously rich...

 

The guy is married.

 

End of discussion.

 

Hope that helps.

[RickFox]

Oh and understand, there is NO perfect relationship. Even one that seems that way in the beginning, will pan out to have multiple imperfections once it passes the beginning stage.