3 years after break-up and I'm broken all over again!

[FizzyGirl]

My first love and I broke up just shy of three years ago. We were together for six years and madly in love. We did the same things other young couples did, we went on holidays, we spent as much time together as possible, we had a healthy relationship. By the time we'd been together for six months we wanted to get married. The only thing stopping us was religion. He's a Muslim boy from a family with a very religious and traditional background.

 

To cut a long story short, six years after being together he broke up with me. He hadn't been a good boyfriend for a long time and he became stressed about our situation. He didn't know what to do anymore and he decided he was unable to continue our relationship because of the circumstances with his family. He crushed my heart into a million pieces. I was broken.

 

Our break up was very emotional. I felt like I was losing my soul mate and so did he. I told him I didn't know if I was strong enough to continue a friendship, but he insisted on it. He promised me he'd always be there for me and he said he couldn't cope with losing his best friend as well as his girlfriend. I told him I didn't know if I could manage that, but said I'd give it a shot.

 

From there on, things were great. He continued to be my very best friend. We had dinner every fortnight and after a few months of crying and feeling delicate, I began to feel like we were doing the right thing.

 

A year later he had an arranged marriage. He was unhappy about it and felt like he lost a huge part of who he was. He didn't have a relationship with his new wife for a long time as she lived abroad for a while. They didn't know each other at all. Whilst his marriage hurt me and I spent a few nights in tears, I stayed strong. After all, his marriage hurt him just as much. We continued to see each other for dinner every other week or so. After a while our relationship became inappropriate. We missed each other physically and at times we were intimate.

 

All this stopped again when his wife moved here to be with him, and I started seeing somebody. My ex still found things hard and on occasion he sent me suggestive text messages, told me how much he missed me sexually. He even did so this year. At the beginning of the year we had a real heart to heart. He told me how things weren't going well in his marriage but he felt like he should put all his effort in, as did his wife. I told him how things were going with my current boy. We talked about how happy we were that our friendship was working, and he reminded me about the time I said I wasn't sure if I'd be able to have a friendship with me. I told him the fact was I still loved him. I told him I'd always love him but I was furious with him too, for breaking my heart the way he did when I made myself completely vulnerable to him.

 

We were never intimate again, although I have always felt like he still lusts after me. Up unti about three months ago, I still had the occasional suggestive message from him. Since then, he's become more distant. He stopped replying to my messages as often and very rarely would he contact me first. I realised I'd seen him about twice in six months. I took a step back, thinking he'd started a real relationship with his wife. Eventually we spoke properly and I asked if he was happy. He still said no, but he appreciated his situation and was getting closer to his wife. Het continued to be distant, when around a month ago I asked him what was going on. I cried buckets when I told him how I regretted our friendship. I told him I was happy for him if he was happy now too, and I told him I would leave him alone if his wife didn't want us being friends anymore. I told him I was sick of him and let down by him because suddenly he was distant from my life when he'd insisted we stay friends. He said he was so sorry, and promised to make it up to me, insisted his wife didn't mind. He took me out for dinner three weeks ago to make it up to me, and his communication has been brilliant. It was such a relief, having my best friend back.

 

Last night, I got a message from him. It said "hey. I have some news for you. God has given me a baby". I felt instantly sick. His son was born on Sunday night. I feel like an absolute fool, and I feel broken hearted all over. I struggled when he got married and got over it. I knew I wouldn't cope if he had children though and we had that conversation., he knew it. I realise now that it was a poor idea to remain friends because of my feelings, but I just don't know what to do now. Above all, his beautiful baby is sick in intensive care and of course he is the biggest priority. More than anything I want that baby to be okay. But I also hate my ex. I never want to hear from him again. I feel like he has been selfish and deceiving. I want to tell him never to try and contact me again and to just let me be. The worst part is when I spoke to him about his distance a month ago, I told him I wanted to be left alone if he couldn't be my friend. He insisted that he could.

 

I just want to get over this. It's been far too long. He's my first love, but we've been broken up for three years! I lost my boyfriend and now my best friend. I'm just so worried about how I'll cope. I'm having a terrible time with a sister who is sick at the moment and my head is in the clouds as it is. Also, am I doing the right thing by cutting contact with him given that we've come so far?

 

I'd love some advice on this!

[notbroken]

He is a married man with a child. Not only that, he is a married man with a child who cheats on his wife - or at least wants to. While difficult, move on. The next time he contact you, wish him the best and then never answer another message.

[geegirl]

Also, am I doing the right thing by cutting contact with him given that we've come so far?

 

I'd love some advice on this!

 

I'm confused with the statement above? You haven't gone anywhere. He's married and now has a baby. His life is going through stages. You on the other hand are stagnating. You're still living in the past. Again, you haven't gone anywhere.

 

Let's cut the delusional view of "friends". You can't be friends when you are emotional. You feel sad about your other friends that have babies? You feel sick when they tell you they have been blessed with a child? As a "friend" you are supposed to be happy and elated.

 

You said he is selfish and deceiving. Are those the values you seek in a friend?

 

Friends is just a way for you not to face your fear of completely letting go.

 

I met my ex-boyfriend, first love when I was in my early twenties. We lived in a muslim country. He's muslim. I'm catholic. A huge no-no. We were forced to break-up after 6 years together. We lived our lives hiding and sneaking around. I literally died when it ended. Twenty plus years later, he still has a place in my heart. We are still friends. It took 10 years of no contact. He has moved on with life and so have I. I understand how you feel but you have to let go.

 

He is married and has a wife, and now a child. Let him live his and fix it without you, and you go and create your own. Step away and stop wasting more years in a situation that will only cause you pain.

Edited December 5, 2012 by geegirl