unsureofthings Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Hey everybody.... I've been reading alot of the posts and you guys are all very good help so here it goes. I've only been married to my wife for only 10 months and we just seperated. She felt it was best for her to move out and get space right now as she has alot of personal issues. We've been fighting alot for awhile and never seem to get anywhere. She blames me and I blame her so we dont get anywhere. To give you a little bit of background - her father has been an alchoholic for 14 years - right after her mother passed away when she was 12 years old. She's always worried about him and it has always affected her personally and our relationship. I've never really been able to understand how it affects you as a person. I also found out that I've been suffering from depression for over a year now. I kinda new something was wrong but like most of us I did want to admit it to myself or anyone close to me. I figured time would heal and offcourse it didnt. The depression eventually lead to me being a different person. I didnt want to go anywhere or do anything. The thought of a large public setting almost scared me. One of her complaints was that I changed and I now realize that I did and it affected our relationship. She's been gone for a week and half and after speaking to councellors and doing some reading I'm realizing alot of my faults that I never saw before. I want to tell her desperately but dont know how. I dont want her to think that I'm just appologizing for nothing and really want her to believe me. I know actions speak louder than words but still feel I need to tell her that alot of my changes were due to the depression. I feel it will explain alot of things to her? Please help, I desperately want my wife back and love her very much. I'm not sure how to go about this? Oh, one more thing. I dont want to play games and play the no contact rule and all that stuff. Isnt it better to just tell her, apologize, act on it and leave the ball in her court? I'm just scared that if I play games and leave this too long she will move on not knowing the real truth. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Ask her to see you. Tell her what you told us. Tell her you're seeking help for your depression and you're going to see a therapist. Tell her how sorry you are and how much you love her. Tell her you want to be a better person and that you need her in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
aboehme Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 this is what i think I'm basically in the same situation my boyfriend seems to have the same issues as you do but on the other hand have not been able to get the guts to leave to make him realize. now that you realize you have a problem by you telling her that she will feel re-leaved and happy you finally see it from her point of view. i think if you tell her you will get back together. the hard part for you is maintaining the sense of what goes wrong in your arguments is probably your fault or at least give her the benefit of the doubt. if things don't get better once your back together than you know it wasn't all you, but if they do wonderful and you will now know how to keep your relationship strong. So, go to her now if you can or later and talk to her face to face best place to go is to dinner or something to keep any argument from getting to heated. best wishes and best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
aboehme Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 defiantly what Pocky said make sure you let her know you love her and you need her in your life to help you get through this hard time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author unsureofthings Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 Thanks guys! That helped alot but I still have a few questions. I've told her sorry before because I didnt want to loose her. But because I still had this depression it didnt get any better. I was unable to tell her because I was scared. The thing is that her dad is an alchoholic and they are planning a intervention soon for him. I very much want to be apart of it so I'm not sure if I should add more pressure to her situation? Do I wait till after the intervention or just let her know know and that we should put us on hold for a bit while the intervention takes place so we can focus on that right now. I feel like she really needs to know but again, dont want to add more pressures and make her feel overwelmed. Help guys.... Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Originally posted by unsureofthings I also found out that I've been suffering from depression for over a year now. I kinda new something was wrong but like most of us I did want to admit it to myself or anyone close to me. How can a person not know and need a professional to tell them they are depressed? Sounds like another conselor looking for an easy payday. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Some people don't recognize signs of depression. It is possible for us to be so oblivious of our own behavior that we almost refuse to see that we have our own problems to deal with. I wouldn't wait to tell her. Just be up front about it and let her know what's been on your mind. Tell her you want to support her though her father's issues and you will be there for her but you also need to work on yourself because your relationship and your own well being are the most important things in the world. Don't put the burden on her to help you with your depression. Take the steps to get help, prove it to her that you are and she'll believe you this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author unsureofthings Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 Thanks Pocky.... I appreciate that. So, what you guys are saying is that I need to tell her but not put a burden on her at the same time. Dont you think by me telling her this that it was add pressure to her wether I burden her with it or not? I just dont want her to feel overwhelmed with everything. He dad's intervention, us and now that I've been suffering from depression too. Any other suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Author unsureofthings Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 On another note.... Because of my depression, I wasnt supporting her or really making an effort with her father and family. I did change after we got married because it was getting worse and worse. I just dont want her to think that I'm just helping with her dad to get back together with her. How can I avoid this plague? Link to post Share on other sites
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