archangelsupreme Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 (edited) Firstly, this may seem a bit blunt and out of character, but here goes. The Incident: Over the past weekend, I was in a gay club and made out with this guy. We both had an attraction to each other and pretty much kissed the whole night. I'm a virgin (at 28) and never had any real sexual experiences with anyone. I'm one of those hopeless romantics who is waiting for prince charming to sweep me off my feet, someone who ticks all boxes and manner of perfection. I've been waiting forever and still waiting..... The feeling that I must have it all and not at all has lead me to limit any sexual contact beyond kissing and feeling the warmth of another man. Though this weekend, it ventured beyond what i've done before. He asked me whether he could walk me home (knowing naturally that it was to do you know what), I said no. After a few more kisses and fondling each other in the club, he asked me whether I wanted to go outside the club. I said yes and we proceeded to look for a quite and dark place to do it. I'm not sure if this is all the years of pent up desire or me feeling to heck with it....I wanted to see if I can take it a bit further. I knew right from the outset that this is the point of no return, I didn't care...a part of me felt released it some way. I knew I didn't want to do anal intercourse, just wanted to have a BJ with him. He asked me a few times whether I wanted to F**CK him, I said all I wanted to do was BJ. Before we left, I asked him whether he wanted my number, we did and went our own ways. I don't regret the experience, I'm just starting to loose patience with the myself, the world. Is prince charming in my destiny....or am I destined to find intimacy through such questionable means. The Next Morning I got an SMS text from him (which he sent the night before) saying why I didn't invite him. I took this to be either inviting him home or anal intercourse. I divulged that I've never done such things before (the point of no return for me being anal...is this goalpost moving?) and that I need to know the connection will stay and grow before the "invite" is extended. He responded that if he's interpreting correctly, he's not what i'm seeking and that he doesn't want anything serious. I knew that may be the case, hence the The Incident, and responded with the fact that that's the reason why i didn't invite him. He said "OK Take Care". It struck me quite hard. I felt thin. In my wildest dreams I was hoping he could be the one and willing to take it further with me. I knew that message meant goodbye. I didn't want to loose him. I'm a sucker for smart men and knowing that he has a pretty good profession/education urged me to not let this go. I could have just left it there and moved on, I didn't (typical me). I told him "Well, i was kinda hoping we could get to know each other better". It was 50-50, I didn't know what he would say, I was bracing for "not interested". He said we may meet and be friends though no expectations of dating/relationship. Given my views on relationships, this doesn't sit comfortably with me. I'm the type that wants undevoted attention but also realise that finding this person is near impossible. I wanted to keep the connection with him, at least we could be friends right (and who knows, it may grow...am I foolish)? I said I would be totally ups for being friends....and gave him my real name (which I didn't reveal to him despite him asking while we were dancing away in the club). So where to now, he hasn't responded to that text (that was last night). I want us to stay in contact, though starting to feel that this may petter out to no contact.....I'm the sort of person who likes to receive a response text at least within half a day. I don't know where to take this. I'm divided. I do find him attractive and want to get to know him better. Though is this all in vain, he's views on relationships are not like mine. Am I just expecting too much? I want us to be friends though sometimes our inner urges gets the better of us, do I want to be friends with him to really be friends or do we want to be friends to one day be lovers? lovers with complete devotion to each other? Is this wishful thinking? I'm even crazy enough to start entertaining thoughts of being done with the point of no return thing and go for it...but is that really what I want? Would I be any happier knowing after it happened that it was just a FCK? I don't know what to think, hoping that writing this story may release feelings. I don't know what to ask. I don't know what to do.... I can't stop thinking about that incident and him. Does he really have any interest in me? Edited December 4, 2012 by archangelsupreme Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Does he really have any interest in me? Yes, but not the kind of interest you keep trying to convince us and yourself you want. Either accept the relationship he wants, leave him alone completely, or come back in a few months to post about how this man is tearing your heart apart by only seeing you as a sex partner and not a partner partner as you want. Newsflash Cinderella, there is no Prince Charming. You may think he is everything that you want, but you are not what he currently wants. Don't pretend you guys want the same thing, you will only end up getting hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author archangelsupreme Posted December 5, 2012 Author Share Posted December 5, 2012 It's now the second day after I sent that last text to him saying I'm totally up for being friends.....no response. The ball is in his court now I guess...though i'm starting to loose hope that even a friendship is not going to materialise. Am I just being too caught up over this text thing? I want to catch up with him again, this time properly in the light. Though I don't want to come across to pushy or eagre. I'm thinking of leaving it be for a week? Too long? I know life's not perfect and no one is, though i've always felt that I can't settle for anyone less than perfect. How can you get yourself out that mindset? How can you settle for something less when in your heart and head, it doesn't sit comfortably. Am I destined to be alone I keep asking myself, am I just not good enough or will anything be good enough for me? Am I that scary and disgusting that no one wants to get to know me? Not even someone who apparently had a physical interest in me and now seemingly wants to break all contact. Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I really wish you weren't gay so I could tell you what a chick you are being without coming across as homophobic. So lets leave it at this: you are way too into your own head about this, you need to drop it. He is not into you the way you want him to be into you. He's actually being the nice guy in this--he wants to bang you and only bang you and knows that's not what you want so he doesn't want to get into some clingy relationship with you where he is only using you for sex. One more time--this relationship isn't going to happen. Move on, what you want is out there, just keep looking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author archangelsupreme Posted December 9, 2012 Author Share Posted December 9, 2012 It's now 1 week to the day that it happened. No further contact. It seems unresolved? I want to ask him out this coming week. Is it too soon? Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 It's now 1 week to the day that it happened. No further contact. It seems unresolved? I want to ask him out this coming week. Is it too soon? Oh god yes. Forget all my past analyst that has thus far been proven correct. Contact him immediately, frequently and aggrasively. Link to post Share on other sites
bel1a Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 hellow i appreciate your work.keep it up Link to post Share on other sites
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