about to get married ,but her son is putting me off the idea

[peppermintpaddy]

I am about to marry my fiance of 2 years.We've kept up a long distance relationship this whole time,and are about to marry in 4 weeks time.The problem is her 11 year old son ,who is a complete brat.I have raised children from my 1st marriage,so I'm not anti -children.I have worked hard to like him,yet as hard as i try,I find it impossible.

He has been raised by my fiance and her parents ,and completely spoilt.He has no manners and should his mother ask him to do anything,he throws a tantrum,literally weeping like a baby .

I think my fiance has a really strange relationship with him,almost sister and brother,and I actually think she is frightened of him and his tantrums.To be honest,I find it difficult not to give him a clip around the ear for his attitude,lack of manners and sheer insolence.

I'm thinking of calling the whole thing off because of him.If she was on her own,I would never think this,hes just TOO difficult.

Anyone had a similar experience?

[mammasita]

I have a high strung spoiled rotten son myself, also 11 years old (hey at least I can admit it LOL). I can understand your position.

 

I think that if you love your fiance, don't let her son deter you. Have a discussion with her about how you feel and offer solutions to the problem.... i.e. Family counseling, parenting classes, how you as a team can work on his behavior. I mean hell, the kid sounds like he would benefit from a little one on one counseling himself. Not to mention he's 11 and still impressionable, its not too late for him to learn.

 

I know he will HATE to have guidelines and rules and God forbid be held accountable for his actions, but it has to be done IMO.

[CarrieT]

If you are considering entering into a life-long relationship with a woman, you should be able to discuss this very important issue with her.

 

What does she say about her son and have you two talked at length about what your relationship will be with her son or how she sees the three of you as a family? These are all very important questions that should have been addressed before you even got engaged and now that it is an issue just a month before the wedding, you need to have the discussion IMMEDIATELY.

 

I've been dating a man for just over a year and as I am going to be moving in with his family early next year, it wasn't even discussed before we spent months and months establishing my relationship with his children before we began discussing that next step. One of his children is autistic and you don't know tantrums until you see an autistic child have a melt-down due to medication issues. But I wouldn't have considered moving in with them without discussing these tantrums with my partner and how they are handled and how, ultimately, the children are to be raised.

 

You need a heart-to-heart with your fiance to delve into these issues before you even consider marriage...

[Mme. Chaucer]

In your long distance relationship, how much time have you actually spent in person with your fiance, alone and with her son as well?

[peppermintpaddy]

In your long distance relationship, how much time have you actually spent in person with your fiance, alone and with her son as well?

Alone?I ve spent several 2 week periods with her,and the relationship is so good when hes not around.

with her son?,i spent 3 months on holiday with them both last winter.....As we were in a beach setting ,i could laze all day in a sun lounger,not necessarily in his company....any difficulties we had,i would just walk away.She does tend to step in a defuse the situation,make excuses and lie for him all the time ,so its hard to actually have an honest discussion about him.She's in complete denial about his behaviour.

I'm shocked by how spoilt he is.Now ,Im staying in her apartment with him all the time,and in this closed environment,I cant just walk away from his behaviour.I think he's disturbed.My gf senses I am about to pull the plug on the marriage,and is avoiding talking to me about the problem.

We plan to move to my home next year,but honestly,I dont want him there,he's trouble.

[NXS]

Alone?I ve spent several 2 week periods with her,and the relationship is so good when hes not around.

with her son?,i spent 3 months on holiday with them both last winter.....As we were in a beach setting ,i could laze all day in a sun lounger,not necessarily in his company....any difficulties we had,i would just walk away.She does tend to step in a defuse the situation,make excuses and lie for him all the time ,so its hard to actually have an honest discussion about him.She's in complete denial about his behaviour.

I'm shocked by how spoilt he is.Now ,Im staying in her apartment with him all the time,and in this closed environment,I cant just walk away from his behaviour.I think he's disturbed.My gf senses I am about to pull the plug on the marriage,and is avoiding talking to me about the problem.

We plan to move to my home next year,but honestly,I dont want him there,he's trouble.

 

I think you should call off the wedding immediately, this is not going to just sort itself out when you get married unless she's willing to back you up to instill some kind of discipline here. I don't really blame the kid, he's probably had poor boundaries set and you could probaby help him out a lot if your gf assisted you but she's showed no inclination to do this.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Your home life is going to be pretty unhappy unless you and your fiancee can come to some agreements about how her son's behavior should be handled. Also the facts that you can't stand him - and the fact that she lies because of this - are going to come between the two of you as a couple.

 

A new "father figure" coming into the daily life of and 11 year old boy would not be a simple thing even if the kid was well behaved.

 

If you really want to call off the marriage because of this, that would be better than going through with it under the circumstances, IMO.

 

But if your relationship means enough to you to work on it, I would get some time alone with your fiancee and tell her all of your concerns WITHOUT DEMONIZING HER SON. Because almost no mom will be able to tolerate that, much less have a constructive and solution oriented conversation in the face of it.

 

I think it would be a good idea to talk to her about going to premarital counseling to address this.

 

Also, you might make it part of your personal responsibility to try to establish a relationship with this boy just between the two of you. Take him to do something once a week, maybe.

[peppermintpaddy]

Thanx for the replies guys.....Ive tried building a relatonship with him.I took him to thai boxing 3 times a week when we were on holiday last year.But whatever progress we made then has completely disappeared now,1 year later.

 

 

I agree,boundaries have never been in place for him.He's like a child king,everything is done for him,and when I had the temerity to ask him to take out the refuse,he threw a fit.

 

I'll try and sit down with his mother tomorrow and have a clear the air meeting.But youre right,she wont listen to any critiscism of him.Tactfullness isnt my strong suit either,so I'll let youse know how it goes.

[GorillaTheater]

I have a good friend who broke off an engagement for similar reasons. His fiance's teenage son was often unacceptably rude and insulting, and my friend simply wasn't going to sign up for that.

 

Good luck with your talk tomorrow.

[peppermintpaddy]

OP, look up "oedipus complex" if you want to understand the dynamic between you, the kid, and his mom.

 

You're the competition, buddy, and the step-dad never wins that kind of battle over the single mom's affections.

 

Back away from this. Be as diplomatic as possible--but back away.

 

Well,i looked up oedipus complex,it starts apparently at the age of 6.Anyway,it doesnt make any differentiation between a real father and a (prospective in my case) step-father.It didnt tell me a great deal I didnt already know....just what it actually is,but NOT how to deal with it.

Today has been ok,we had a little chat,the 3 of us,about his attitude,but I actually think his mother rehearsed him what to say as I never felt any sincerety coming from him.

Ill take it a day at a time....thanx for your input guys.(BTW,I told my gf Im thinking of calling it off because of Junior,I think she really laid the law down to him before our sit down chat)

[mammasita]

(BTW,I told my gf Im thinking of calling it off because of Junior,I think she really laid the law down to him before our sit down chat)

Good for you. She really needs to be on board 150% and not just by coaching him to say what she thinks you want to hear.

[redtomato]

DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN! I can not say it enough.

 

I am in a relationship (10+ yrs) with a woman who has a 15 yr old son. This is the first time he has lived with his mother full time in 10 yrs.

 

He back talks everything, pitches fits when he gets angry, has started smoking pot, stealing my cigars to roll his pot and is out right lazy.

 

If I ask him to do something, his mother always buts in. For instance, today I asked him to sweep the stairs (I just did it 2 days ago) because I noticed some grass & mud on a couple of them. She over hears me ask him and says something to the effect of "we all walk up those stairs. He's not the only one who brings in dirt". Really? Thanks for clarifying that for me. I still want him to sweep the stairs. Then she says "do the best job you can do baby".

By now, I'm so irritated that I said never mind, I'll do it myself.

 

But let me back track here. Just this would not get me mad. He took one of my cigars this morning to either smoke or use it to smoke pot. She wont' call him on it because she says "we can't prove he took it". Again, really? I didn't take it and you didn't take so that only leaves him. So now I have a thief and a liar living in my house. But let's go on.

I asked him when he got home to get the cat litter out of the car. He asked if he needed to do it now and I said no but before dark. After it gets dark, I have to remind him to get the litter. I tell him where to put it. He gets a box, comes in and says "where do you want this?" Really??? I just told you 30 seconds ago where to put them. His mom comes in and says "did you have him repeat where you wanted them?" Um, no. But if you'd like for me to treat him like a two year old, I can.

 

IF THIS IS ANYWHERE NEAR WHAT YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED WITH HER CHILD, DO NOT MARRY HER!

 

Save yourself a ton of aggrevation. Let her go now or put off marrying her until after the kid graduates high school. Once you marry her, you marry her kid and all his disrespect towards adults.

[peppermintpaddy]

Good point redtomato....sounds like a nightmare for you.

To be honest,the only reason this woman is still single is because of Junior.I think every prospective husband takes one look at junior and says " no freakin way".....I dunno,maybe its coz im a soft touch,or maybe coz im a rescuer by nature ,that Im prepared to take them on.

I said to her last night....with my arms making like a scale...."its a question of balance"......."you are on this hand ,and your son (i said his name obviously) is on the other hand"......."as long as my desire for you outweighs his bad manners,everything is ok,but if the balance turns the other way....its over....comprende?"

So,we'll see how it goes,one day at a time...thanx folks!

[whichwayisup]

Postpone the wedding and try living with them for 6 months and then see what you feel, she feels and what her sons feels. The kid is still young and can be unlearned of his behaviour and be taught respect, kindness, giving and helping out, doing chores etc..

[standtall]

Peppermint...I would sit her down and work this out ahead of time about you being a parent as well as her...before you get married. If she doesn't get on board, then tell her that you cannot live with her as a family..ie call of the wedding. Plain and simple and it puts the ball in her court.

[redtomato]

I'm agreeing with several posters. Live with them first. Have the talk of who is parenting the child, who can punish the child and what type of punishments are ok with her.

 

Like one poster said, if he's like this at 11, imagine what he'll be like as a teenager. Oh, wait. I know this answer. JUST LIKE MY PARTNERS SON!

 

Please, I'm begging you. Do not make the same mistakes me and others have made. You said yourself this woman wouldn't be single if not for her son. And like you, I am a rescuer. Live with her first.

[peppermintpaddy]

thanx guys,

WITHOUT going into every boring detail,I'm gonna take a risk.I already have grown up sons of my own,and know intinctively how to handle boys.Should he turn out to be a nightmare at 15 or 16 I'll get one of my lads to sort him out....simples.....I could pull out of the whole thing now,but somehow it feels right to stay with it.Believe me,I'm no pushover,and if the going got too tough for me,I'd cut them both loose.I do have a ruthless side(taught at the school of hard knocks)

 

I appreciate all the comments,and I ve had good arguments ,both for and against .....at the moment,Im gonna go for it,and unless something really traumatic happens,I won't change my mind.

[pteromom]

I can see both sides here.

 

Is it that he's really a bad kid, or do you just not agree with the way his mom parents him? If she's more into attachment parenting, where it seems like she is coddling him to you, this isn't going to change.

 

I think if you are going to move forward with this, you have to do so with the understanding that:

 

- SHE is his mom and you need to be able to back her up, not try to change her. YOU are not the parent. If you can't do that, this relationship isn't for you.

 

- it is your duty to build a relationship with him as well, not just write him off as an annoyance. It makes me really sad that you don't want him at your house.

 

I said to her last night....with my arms making like a scale...."its a question of balance"......."you are on this hand ,and your son (i said his name obviously) is on the other hand"......."as long as my desire for you outweighs his bad manners,everything is ok,but if the balance turns the other way....its over....comprende?"

 

I would run away from a man who said this to me. Talk about pressure. There's a grand piano hanging over her head now...

 

In reality, she and her son are on the same hand, and your ability to deal with the situation as it is is on the other. They are a package deal.

 

DO NOT get married unless and until you find harmony with both of them.

[NXS]

thanx guys,

WITHOUT going into every boring detail,I'm gonna take a risk.I already have grown up sons of my own,and know intinctively how to handle boys.Should he turn out to be a nightmare at 15 or 16 I'll get one of my lads to sort him out....simples.....I could pull out of the whole thing now,but somehow it feels right to stay with it.Believe me,I'm no pushover,and if the going got too tough for me,I'd cut them both loose.I do have a ruthless side(taught at the school of hard knocks)

 

I appreciate all the comments,and I ve had good arguments ,both for and against .....at the moment,Im gonna go for it,and unless something really traumatic happens,I won't change my mind.

 

This is not the same situation as your own sons where you and your ex, presumably, parented them from when they were born. This kid has had really bad training and the one who trained him hasn't shown any attempt to change. Sitting down and talking to the kid is not going to work because he's not really the problem, she is. In order for her to change she'd have to first off acknowledge that she's the problem and you haven't mentioned anything about this in your discussions.

 

Rushing into a marriage would be a big mistake IMO and it could cost you a lot to extract yourself if it comes to it.

[peppermintpaddy]

I can see both sides here.

 

Is it that he's really a bad kid, or do you just not agree with the way his mom parents him? If she's more into attachment parenting, where it seems like she is coddling him to you, this isn't going to change.

 

I think if you are going to move forward with this, you have to do so with the understanding that:

 

- SHE is his mom and you need to be able to back her up, not try to change her. YOU are not the parent. If you can't do that, this relationship isn't for you.

 

- it is your duty to build a relationship with him as well, not just write him off as an annoyance. It makes me really sad that you don't want him at your house.

 

 

 

I would run away from a man who said this to me. Talk about pressure. There's a grand piano hanging over her head now...

 

In reality, she and her son are on the same hand, and your ability to deal with the situation as it is is on the other. They are a package deal.

 

DO NOT get married unless and until you find harmony with both of them.

Yeah,maybe you would run away,and my fiance can run away also if she doesnt like the terms and conditions....no use beating about the bush,I have to keep things real.Do you think I would ever talk in these terms unless the situation demanded it?NO,of course I wouldnt....i just dont like ambiguity...im a straight talking guy.....not enough of them in the world IMO..I talked like this so she knows how strongly I feel,and how SHE has to put things right,or certainly get on the same side as me.....

[peppermintpaddy]

This is not the same situation as your own sons where you and your ex, presumably, parented them from when they were born. This kid has had really bad training and the one who trained him hasn't shown any attempt to change. Sitting down and talking to the kid is not going to work because he's not really the problem, she is. In order for her to change she'd have to first off acknowledge that she's the problem and you haven't mentioned anything about this in your discussions.

 

Rushing into a marriage would be a big mistake IMO and it could cost you a lot to extract yourself if it comes to it.

 

You're right-she is the problem ALSO....She admits(ocasionally) he's been spoilt,and his behaviour leaves a lot to be desired.......she says if she had met me years previously,he would never have got that bad.....she knows theres a problem also.

[peppermintpaddy]

There are plenty of guys out there who won't even consider even dating a single mom (much less marrying her) because of exactly these types of issues. It's not just your gf this affects.

 

There seems to be a pretty common dynamic with these single mom/adolescent son situations. Remember, unless she's a widower, she's coming from a prior messed-up relationship, and so is her kid. Most likely she has demonized the child's father (either deservedly so or undeservedly so) and any potential surrogates are looked at with a very jaundiced eye.

 

These single moms also seem to deliberately undercut the authority of any potential surrogate.

 

The only really effective way of dealing with such a young loafing lout is the next time he wises up you bust him a good one in the chops. Of course that's impermissible in this day and age but what you are basically trying to take his woman away from him. Yes, "his" woman, psychologically speaking.

 

I don't care how good the pussy is, a man with any other options at all should never marry one of these single moms with undisciplined children.

Thanx ducksoup-very true....I havent ruled out that option,but i think thats a last resort......as I said before,Im a bit of a rescuer...my fiance is the first woman in years (since my divorce) who i truly feel for,and im sure we can solve this.She has shown a lot of trust and faith in me,i feel i should reciprocate,and give it my best shot.I'll probably kill junior if he ****s it up!

[Nyla]

This problem can only be solved is your fiancee has to become firmer with her son. Sometimes single parents are afraid to discipline their children, because they feel guilty about the child losing their other parent to divorce or any other reason.

 

You may want to look at your tendencies to rescue people. Rescuing is noble and kind, however it can lead to attracting the wrong needy types.

Edited December 9, 2012 by Nyla

[Gagirl]

Nothing ****s up a relationship faster than family. You marry, work hard and believe that it will works out in the end or take off running. I've told my kids that if the family doesn't like them than to leave the relationship. It is not worth the drama and misery. I been married to my spouse for over twenty years and that bitch mil of mine has never picked up the phone once to call me or invite me to anything and now she wonders why her grandkids don't ever call or visit her. Oh well, that's her problem now.

[peppermintpaddy]

This problem can only be solved is your fiancee has to become firmer with her son. Sometimes single parents are afraid to discipline their children, because they feel guilty about the child losing their other parent to divorce or any other reason.

 

You may want to look at your tendencies to rescue people. Rescuing is noble and kind, however it can lead to attracting the wrong needy types.

 

To everyone who posted on this thread...a big thanx.....My fiance cannot become firmer with him.....the final straw happened the other night.....she was sending him away for a little holiday with his aunt.....asked me to go with them to the airport...I said YES of course......The minute we hit the street my fiance asked me to carry his case ,I said"let him pull it,,it has wheels" "But he's too slow" sez she...."Well,tell him to hurry up then" sez I......"Well,dont bother coming with us to the airport then" sez she....so I stayed at home.....I booked a flight to Thailand the day after......game over....as hot as she is,and as much as I want her....I cant put up with that s***(by the way,we're talking a little bitty suitcase,the kind that fits in the overhead luggage rack)

Anyway,of course I feel very low at the moment,I feel ive wasted 2 years of my life.

So,anyone wants to have a go at me,bring it on..Ive had to quit the relationship because I'd end up killing him,or her,or maybe both.....I'm a good man,ive been 100% faithful to her since we've been together....dont drink or smoke,and financially stable....WTF do women want?