My best friend lied to me then dumped me

[roseypie]

I had been pretty good friends with this guy Ben for about 4-5 years...we lived together for a year (with other people) in college, but weren't close then. We struck up a closer friendship while both in grad school by emailing and gchatting.

 

He invited me to visit him in Seattle in late July/August after I broke up with my boyfriend. My summer vacation plans had been with my boyfriend, so I was nervous I'd be sitting alone weeping in a closet during my only 2 weeks off the whole year. I thought it'd be fun to see Seattle, a place I'd never been to before, and obviously to catch up with him. We were pretty good friends - I'd say we stayed in touch almost every day. I never got the sense that there was anything romantic between us, and I figured that if it was going to happen it already would've by that point.

 

When I got there he started to flirt with me, and I felt weird about it - like, where was this even coming from? So I ignored it. But we had a really good time together, and over the course of the days I guess some sexual tension built up. Then, one of the final nights I was there, he dimmed the lights in his apartment and put on romantic music. He grabbed me to dance with him and I put my feet on top of his, and we waltzed around his apartment. It was kind of cute. Then he tried to kiss me, and I asked him what he was doing - he said he had feelings for me, that I was amazing, that he wanted to be with me, yaddayadda bull****. I told him I was nervous it could make our friendship really awkward and complicated. I don't normally just hook up with my guy friends, and sex always messes with my head. Once you go there you can't really go back. He insisted our friendship would be fine, and that he wanted to date me - but that we couldn't be together cause he lives in Seattle and I live in NY.

 

I gave in, really stupidly, but emotions were running high and I trusted him. I was kind of drunk. He was super persistent about it, and I think I was curious since we had been friends for a long time. Maybe this makes sense, I thought. He was also so sweet and I had just broken up with my boyfriend, so I think everything he said hit a tender spot with me. We hooked up again the next night too. When I got back to NY I had all these feelings, like I knew I would - but I told myself to get a grip because we said no long distance. But no matter how hard I yelled at myself, I couldn't stop thinking about him. Then I wondered what would happen when we saw each other at our former roommate's wedding, which at the time was only a month away. Before we parted, he told me I was his date to it. I thought that maybe we could talk about things, and that if the feelings were still there something would work out.

 

After I left Seattle he was going to another wedding and then to that job site where he had limited internet. I wanted him to be in touch but he barely was. He wasn't on gchat AT ALL, which was unusual for him even without regular internet. When he was, he barely spoke and signed off. I made excuses for him, and I didn't reach out. I didn't want to become that crazy, needy girl who gets attached, so I didn't initiate anything aside from some normal talking on gchat, which he seemed to avoid anyways. I have been in enough situations to know that if a guy is interested, he calls. It seemed weird to me but I told myself not to overanalyze it. Then about 3 weeks after I left Seattle I saw on Instagram that a girl was visiting him from Colorado. He wrote about it on Facebook too. I was pretty heartbroken. At that point I hadn't talked to him in a few weeks, which was unusual for us, and I knew I'd have to see him at that wedding in a couple of days.

 

At the wedding things were a little awkward, but I also made a point of being friendly just to seem normal. I didn't want to get drunk and angry or sad. I was very concerned about looking needy and overemotional. I was sick of always feeling like the scorned, upset girl in these situations. Then I found out from one of his friends, just randomly, that the girl he dating is his childhood best friend's younger sister. They started something at the wedding he went to literally 3 days after I left Seattle. He thinks he's in love and that she's "the one". But she was leaving for the Peace Corps in a month and a half. At this point I was just like, wtf?? I also had to drive 4 hours south with him to NYC - ****ING GREAT.

 

On the car ride he was kind of quiet, but he said he was sick and I chose to believe him. It was clear those feelings weren't there for me anymore. I kept wanting him to bring up either how we slept together or his new girlfriend, but he was like a brick wall of emotion. I finally brought up the girl by asking him about something else, and he confirmed they're dating but only till she leaves for Africa. He didn't say anything else to me about her, or about what had happened between us in Seattle, or anything. I felt like ****. I felt desperate for wanting some sort of explanation/closure, and then angry because he was being a dick. Or was he being a dick? I kept second guessing myself. I was just so shocked that this whole situation was unfolding this way - I thought I could trust him, I thought he was my friend, I thought he was a good guy, and all of that was being dis-proven. The whole situation made me feel like I was back in college in one of my many horrible dating situations, and I was super sad because HE was causing this. Not some random ******* guy I barely knew. I expected more from him, but I also felt like a slutty jackass for sleeping with him and hoping for more.

 

Before we got out of the car I asked him if we were okay even though we saw each other naked and he was like, yeah, buddy! Then we gave each other hugs and that was it. I just wanted to pretend like nothing had ever happened. I told myself to calm down. But I started to feel reallyyyyy upset and angry, and then I could see on Instagram and Facebook that he kept flying to visit this girl. He was basically MIA on gchat and text, but when he did try to talk to me I ignored him. After once or twice he stopped trying to contact me. We didn't speak for over a month.

 

Then I got wasted on whiskey with my friend one night and I saw him on gchat, and confronted him about our dying friendship. I told him I felt used, and that I didn't understand why he tried to sleep with me in the first place when we couldn't even date. He basically said that he meant all the things he said to me in Seattle about liking me and all that bull****, but he didn't apologize or give any sort of explanation. We didn't talk about his new girlfriend at all. He said he originally avoided talking to me about us hooking up cause he thought it "would be awkward and result in us not speaking to each other". Part of me wanted more answers, or to yell at him, but I felt so conflicted and confused. I didn't want to get whiny and crazy when he was being so closed-off and it seemed like his actions spoke more than any conversation might.

 

After that I pretended like everything between us could go back to normal because I didn't really know how to go about losing a friend. I'm not used to this type of situation and it was hard to stomach. But things had changed. Eventually I realized that I felt unsettled when I spoke to him, and that I just don't trust him or see him as the same person. Deep down, I felt pathetic just being okay with how everything played out. I couldn't just forget about it or pretend it didn't happen, even when I tried. Then he told me that his girlfriend QUIT the Peace Corps after a couple of weeks and moved back to Colorado. He flew to visit her over Thanksgiving, and then they decided they'd officially be together. SO, YUP. Now he's doing long distance with her.

 

I guess there isn't much to discuss here, I just don't know how to move on. I've never felt so screwed over and heartbroken. I am shocked. Right now I have blocked him on gchat and we're not speaking, though I'm pretty sure he would end our "Friendship" anyways since he has this new girl. Should I write him an angry email? Should I have yelled at him? Is this my fault? Why do you think he did this to our friendship? Do you think he'll be nicer to this other girl, and do you think he'll even miss me? Any general reactions would be appreciated!

Edited December 4, 2012 by roseypie

[NateC]

Is this my fault?

 

NO! It's not your fault...it never was. He basically took advantage of your emotions...and then ignored the consequences in doing so. I mean, you trusted him since he was your friend...and also just getting out of a relationship so emotionally you were already "weak" so-to-speak ...it's his fault that everything happened and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about!

 

I agree it will be difficult to move on, but it's important to think about yourself and putting the pieces back together. Find something to busy your mind - and when you need to let out the emotions rather than trying to contain them (which never works).

 

Best of luck to you and I hope you never have to go through that again.

[Eternal Sunshine]

He was a dick and he used you for sex in a vulnerable time.

 

I would never speak to him again. He doesn't deserve your friendship :mad: