raykinsella Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 My WS worked at a kitchen remodelling business. The had a big hutch that was on display there. My WS asked if she could have it and they have it to her this summer. The man she cheated with worked there and he brought it here and set it up. I was not here. This happened before the physical cheating began. Everytime I see it it is a trigger. It reminds me of him. I asked her 2 months ago to get rid of it. She didn't say no, but was reluctant to do so. It's not been discussed since. I called our marriage Counselor, who is a woman and seems to take my WS side more often than not. She really seems to sympathise with her. Anyways I asked the Counselor her opinion and suprise suprise she said I should drop it and learn to deal with it. It wasnt a gift from him, so I should just let it go. Am I totally off base in asking to get rid of this? I called the male Counselor I am seeing individually to ask his opinion but haven't heard back yet. Just wanted some of your opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I think you should just tear the damn thing down. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Fire the MC and burn the hutch in the backyard. 18 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Why are you waiting for your wife to take it down. I agree with the other poster - you don't like it, it reminds you of the OM, so get rid of it. If your wife really wants things to work in the M, she'd back you on this. You shouldn't have to ask the therapist's thoughts on this one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author raykinsella Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 Thank you. I thought I was nuts. I wanted to shove the hutch up the therapists ass. But I thought I should ask in case I was being petty. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Your marriage counselor's response seems incredibly callus and insensitive. That thing is going to be a trigger for you as long as it is in your home and if your wife doesn't understand that then she is not fully committed to repairing your marriage. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
96nole Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Fire the MC and burn the hutch in the backyard. Ray, he's not kidding about burning it in the backyard. Get rid of that MC right the f*ck now!. She probably got burned by a man years ago and now she's taking it out on you. Get rid of the hutch now. Don't ask. Don't comment. Just do. It's a trigger for you. But it's a reminder for her of the OM. I'm guessing it's a reminder she likes seeing. If setting it on fire is not doable for you, then take it out and smash it with a sledgehammer. I have a feeling you'll enjoy taking out a little aggression on it. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
10132 Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 it goes...you have my permission LOL...**** checking everything through the MC/IC..she doesnt get how bad a betrayal feels...i suppose you have to go through it to understand...your wife is afraid she might be the next trigger and end up at the curb or bonfire. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Fire the MC and burn the hutch in the backyard. Lol, liked mainly because of the insider joke going on here I do agree that it should be fine to sell it or something. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 My WS worked at a kitchen remodelling business. The had a big hutch that was on display there. My WS asked if she could have it and they have it to her this summer. The man she cheated with worked there and he brought it here and set it up. I was not here. This happened before the physical cheating began. Everytime I see it it is a trigger. It reminds me of him. I asked her 2 months ago to get rid of it. She didn't say no, but was reluctant to do so. It's not been discussed since. I called our marriage Counselor, who is a woman and seems to take my WS side more often than not. She really seems to sympathise with her. Anyways I asked the Counselor her opinion and suprise suprise she said I should drop it and learn to deal with it. It wasnt a gift from him, so I should just let it go. Am I totally off base in asking to get rid of this? I called the male Counselor I am seeing individually to ask his opinion but haven't heard back yet. Just wanted some of your opinions. Deal breaker. Get rid of it. It's tainted and time for it to be sold or thrown out. Your wife has no say in this, considering ex om was in your house, and set it up. That's a yuck factor. Maybe you two need to find a more neutral marriage counsellor. I cannot believe that the MC told you to drop it! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Lol, liked mainly because of the insider joke going on here I do agree that it should be fine to sell it or something. Have to admit I've been laughing for about 20 minutes. Probably one of the most liberating things I ever did was to burn that ****ing couch. 96 is right that I wasn't kidding. I wasn't kidding about the MC either. Ours was similar and did more harm than good. Many times they try not to take sides. From their standpoint, it makes sense. But it also means that they do NOT have an understanding about infidelity. The WS must be held accountable; things are not even. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I agree--it HAS to go. Fercryinoutloud--isn't a hutch where you store all of your treasures? (like wedding china, for example) Your MC has several screws loose, if she doesn't understand the underlying symbolism. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 sell the hutch on KIjiji or something and the proceeds to do something special with your wife... seems a good way to get some extra money and stick it to the guy who installed the hutch... ( maybe even send him a lovely thank you letter letting him know much you enjoyed using the money to do something fun with your wife...just kidding, don't do that) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Take a hatchet a chop it up into a thousand tiny pieces. It will let you work out your anger on it..fire is too easy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StormySeas Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 As an example of how another MC might handle this...my H had se# with the skank on the lovely expensive rug in our den where we spend 90% of our time in the house. Our MC thinks we should burn the rug or sell the rug or do whatever I want to do with the rug (with my H alongside to help), and our MC is in total agreement that selling our house is likely necessary too if there's any chance of reconciliation. My H will do anything to help right now, so is all over a rug exorcism or whatever the heck we need to do, and his strong reaction/understanding related to potential triggers is exactly what I need to see from him. If he argued about the rug not being important or whatever, I would've laughed his butt all the way to divorce proceedings. All of that stuff matters. The BS decides what matters, particularly as it relates to triggers. Have some friends over, have some drinks, and enjoy a hutch bashing party that turns into a hutch bon fire. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author raykinsella Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 Alice, why is signing the house over a shallow gesture? Just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Explain to your MC that the hutch was a daily reminder of the betrayal and that OM having been in your home, your sanctuary, is violating to you. Also tell her feel that this lwould be a common reaction and simple enough to fix . You might add that although you feel MC is important...that you were not expecting a MC to side with one or the other...or to invalidate genuine feelings. Ask her to explain her role, that might remind her to be professional. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Something that we all agree on! Not a disenter in the house. Get that thing out of there! Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I am going to give an alternate proposal. I would take her shopping for another hutch that both you and her like, give her a lot of latitude here. Then donate the hutch to someone that can use it (women's shelter, family services, fire replacement, etc...). It is an inanimate object, that he did not even buy, so destroying it would be foolish, when so many could put it to good use. As for signing the house over to you, that is a gesture that few people would do. This should be accepted with gratitude with which it is given. If she wanted this Barney she was playing slap and tickle with, she would have cashed her profits of the house and rode off into the sunset. She did not do that. I think she needs to be held accountable for the things she did wrong, but also deserves credit for the things she does right as well. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 maybe you can invite all of us to your house and we can swap stories around the bonfire that was once this hutch. i'll bring the SMORES. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 You are foused on a hutch? Polygraphs? GO!!!!! Get the heck out. You are beyond repair. Just move on and do your own thing. Your trigger will be her underwear next. You are a person that dwells on the past. No matter what it is it will trigger a response. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 You are foused on a hutch? Polygraphs? GO!!!!! Get the heck out. You are beyond repair. Just move on and do your own thing. Your trigger will be her underwear next. You are a person that dwells on the past. No matter what it is it will trigger a response. Move on. Correction. His wife is beyond repair. He isn't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 You are foused on a hutch? Polygraphs? GO!!!!! Get the heck out. You are beyond repair. Just move on and do your own thing. Your trigger will be her underwear next. You are a person that dwells on the past. No matter what it is it will trigger a response. Move on. It's been less than 3-4 months. So, this guy should throw in the towel without giving his best? His wife giving it her best? You don't know him at all, only the bits and pieces you read on here so to make that assumption about him, isn't fair at all. And low blow pot shot about the underwear . If you can't be kind while giving advice, why bother? He is in pain and the last thing he needs is unnecessary rudeness. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 My WS worked at a kitchen remodelling business. The had a big hutch that was on display there. My WS asked if she could have it and they have it to her this summer. The man she cheated with worked there and he brought it here and set it up. I just read post #1 and no need to read further. Take that hutch outside and have a real good barnfire. Also forget that beeitch lady counselor. She is only about making your WW feel good instead of making things right. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Reminds me of that Eddie Murphy hilarious skit about his uncle and the BBQ "Now that's a fire!!" 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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