OM put up hutch in my house. It's a painful trigger. ??

[whichwayisup]

I know I've participated too, but realist, you should create your own thread and discuss all this, we're all thread jacking ray's thread and it's not fair to him, what now is being discussed really has nothing to do with what he posted about.

[Realist3]

Infidelity is deliberate abuse, and one of the worst kinds. People don't "accidentally" have sex. Even if was an accident(impossibly), where does it say "abuse" has anything to do with intent?

Abuse | Define Abuse at Dictionary.com

 

I'd quote books and articles that have said this as well, but I have a feeling they'd just be discounted...

 

 

Hahahaha, it says masturbation is self abuse...well I'll be! hahahaa sorry, off topic...

 

 

You might want to read the definition you posted again and try and understand the meaning. ALL of the descriptions describe willful attempt to cause harm. INTENT.

 

Yes, as an attorney I do tend to place an importance on specific words. But words are important.

[Realist3]

They took a calculated risk with their children's well-being as the thing at risk. That isn't protecting the children. That's placing your own needs above those of your children.

 

Go ahead and keep spinning your rationalizations. They all fall short of the simple truth.

 

You take calculated risks every single day. Some which you know may cause harm. Driving down the road, walking across the street, smoking a cigarette, drinking a beer, might cause harm. None of those calculated risks rise to the form of abuse.

[Realist3]

I know I've participated too, but realist, you should create your own thread and discuss all this, we're all thread jacking ray's thread and it's not fair to him, what now is being discussed really has nothing to do with what he posted about.

 

 

While I agree, it was not me that changed the subject. Discussions evolve in a thread. How are you going to start a new thread dealing with all of the different subjects that have arisen? I don't think at this point the discussion is taking away from the OP's original question. That has already been hashed out. It just so happens that many ancillary issues have come about from that discussion.

[BetrayedH]

The decision to cheat for sure. The cause for that decision, not so much.

 

I see. Your wife went into your head and caused you to cheat. She is a very powerful predator and you are a victim.

[Realist3]

I see. Your wife went into your head and caused you to cheat. She is a very powerful predator and you are a victim.

 

 

Huh?????? I just plainly stated that the decision to cheat was the WS's. The causation of that though could very well have to do with the BS. There are two very different things at play here. The decision and causation. I'm not saying it is every A that has a causation from a BS that leads to a decision to cheat.

 

But to pretend that that causation does not exist from a BS, is not looking at reality.

Edited December 7, 2012 by Realist3

[Snowflower]

I agree with the poster that said to donate it to someone who could really use it. It's Christmas time and there are many people hurting in this bad economy!

Plus, it will make you feel real good to do something special for someone in need!

 

Wow, what a threadjack...sheesh. OP, are you still out there?

 

Bringing it back on topic...

 

I like this advice about donating it. Burning the damn thing certainly has its merits but I really like the idea of taking something that was used for evil (OM brings it to your house during their "relationship") and turning it into something good. (to borrow an idea from another BS on a past thread)

 

Someone less fortunate would probably love a new piece of furniture and it would be out of your sight/life. IMO, the evilness or poison of at least this aspect of the affair would be somehow cleansed (if that makes sense to anyone) and the shadow from the affair perhaps just a little less foreboding.

 

Just my thoughts. I can understand the desire to burn it too.

[BetrayedH]

Huh?????? I just plainly stated that the decision to cheat was the WS's. The causation of that though could very well have to do with the BS. There are two very different things at play here. The decision and causation. I'm not saying it is every A that has a causation from a BS that leads to a decision to cheat.

 

But to pretend that that causation does not exist from a BS, is not looking at reality.

 

They are not two different things. You caused your own decision. Pretending that someone else caused your decision is not looking at reality. Again, own your sh|t.

[CantgetoveritNY]

If they didn't give a rat's arse they wouldn't make the attempt to keep it secret.

 

I think most WS and most OW/OM want to keep it a secret b/c if they did not then they would themselves suffer the consequences of their actions. I don't think the WS and OM/OW really care that they are in danger of hurting the BS or the children. I would find it very hard to believe that the OM/OW care about the GS or the children at all. They just want to ensure they get away with it as long as possible.

[Realist3]

They are not two different things. You caused your own decision. Pretending that someone else caused your decision is not looking at reality. Again, own your sh|t.

 

 

You are again fallling into your previous position that it is always the WS's that causes a decision to cheat. That simply is not accurate.

 

There are numerous causes that result into a decision, many which are not under your control.

 

Did the North go to war with the South in the Civil War because they just wanted to? No, their decision was caused by the actions of the South.

[Realist3]

If they gave a rat's arse they wouldn't have been cheating in the first place.

 

You either care... or you don't. Caring just a little - enough to try to hide it, does not a parent make. It makes a selfish person whose children come last.

 

 

You are falling into a smilistic trap of understanding.

 

10's of thousands of people die in car accidents every single year. Maybe I should choose not to place my children in a vehicle because they might be harmed.

 

Your logic is not working very well.

[Realist3]

While your rationalization may be working well for you, the rest of us ain't buyin' it.

 

 

Not to sound harsh, but what you buy is up to you. In terms of logic, some of you are missing the boat.

[Ninja'sHusband]

You might want to read the definition you posted again and try and understand the meaning. ALL of the descriptions describe willful attempt to cause harm. INTENT.

 

Yes, as an attorney I do tend to place an importance on specific words. But words are important.

 

I still don't see that definition, even searching using a text editor...maybe I'm just missing it....but it really wouldn't change my mind even if it were there. Looking at the word itself, it means misuse.

 

Infidelity is intentional, an obvious abuse/misuse of TRUST. Infidelity fits MANY of those definitions in the article. But you are right, it doesn't fit ALL of them, especially #4 & 12! :lmao:

 

Let's go through them shall we?

 

1. to use incorrectly or improperly; misuse

YES , she abused my trust. Sometimes it's abuse of finances as well.

 

2. to maltreat, esp physically or sexually

Cheating is definitely maltreatment of a spouse

 

3. to speak insultingly or cruelly to; revile

Speak spoke insultingly of me to her OM...ok, this is a flakier one ^^ But just the top two definitions have already made my point.

 

4. ( reflexive ) to masturbate

Ok, got me, infidelity isn't abuse...and neither is punching someone in the face if you use this definition

 

— n

5. improper, incorrect, or excessive use; misuse

Abuse of trust, love, finances, etc.

 

6. maltreatment of a person; injury

The most heinous emotional injury I've ever experienced in my life.

 

7. insulting, contemptuous, or coarse speech

shaky, she spoke ill of me to her OM

 

8. an evil, unjust, or corrupt practice

Fits all three of these words

 

9. See child abuse

Ok, doesn't apply.

 

10. archaic a deception

deception? YES

 

Synonyms (not definitions)

1. misapply.

Err...seems different...misapplied my trust? haha. Ok scratch that one.

2. ill-use, maltreat, injure, harm, hurt.

DEFINITELY, YES

 

3. vilify, vituperate, berate, scold; slander, defame, calumniate, traduce.

indirectly yeah

 

(what happened to 4 and 5??...missing in the article too)

6. misapplication.

See #1

 

7. slander, aspersion. Abuse, censure, invective all mean strongly expressed disapproval. Abuse implies an outburst of harsh and scathing words against another (often one who is defenseless): abuse directed against an opponent. Censure implies blame, adverse criticism, or hostile condemnation: severe censure of acts showing bad judgment. Invective applies to strong but formal denunciation in speech or print, often in the public interest: invective against graft.

Kinda, shaky. indirect if they talk bad about you.

 

So the real proof is the core meaning of the word: MIS Use. Mis Used my trust, money, love, etc.

 

1, 2, 6, 8, & 10 on the first list are the most obvious ones I think.

 

I still don't see your "willful" one...not that it really matters.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I left out 10 and 12 from the 1st list:

 

10.rape or sexual assault.

Nope.

 

(11 is missing)

12.abuse oneself, to masturbate.

NOPE

[Realist3]

Ninja's H,

 

What is the thing that is implicit, but not directly stated in all of those definitions? Intent.

 

[sIZE=6]im·plic·it[/sIZE]

/imˈplisit/

 

Adjective

• Implied though not plainly expressed: "implicit criticism".
  
• Essentially or very closely connected with; always to be found in: "the values implicit in the school ethos".
  

[Realist3]

What you described in your responses was result, not intent. Abuse centers around intent.