lostinlovex2 Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Hi all - I'm fairly new to this site, although I've been scouring postings over the last several months to see if I can gain some insight into my situation. I'm mostly looking for people who've been in a similar situation and what they did/how their relationship turned out. Here's my story: I was engaged, started having an A with a MM. We got caught, he told his wife he was in love with me, she moved out but still wants to work it out, he says he doesn't and is going to file for divorce. I am still in the home with my ex-fiance, he also wants to work it out, I'm not sure. If I stay, am I settling? Is my MM telling me the truth or is he going to take his wife back? He keeps saying he's going to file for divorce, but has yet to do so, although it's only been "public" knowledge for a month. I don't know who to trust, or who to turn to, so here I am. Any and all advice is welcome, although I do know what we're doing is HORRIBLE, and morally wrong, so I don't really need any lecturing. Sometimes I just think that myself and my MM could be really happy together, but is it all just a fantasy?? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 This isn't going to end well for any of you. Too much hurt, betrayal, and I'm willing to bet your MM doesn't file for divorce. You need a fresh start away from all of this toxicity, and a chance to fall in love and marry a man you wouldn't cheat on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Hi all - I'm fairly new to this site, although I've been scouring postings over the last several months to see if I can gain some insight into my situation. I'm mostly looking for people who've been in a similar situation and what they did/how their relationship turned out. Here's my story: I was engaged, started having an A with a MM. We got caught, he told his wife he was in love with me, she moved out but still wants to work it out, he says he doesn't and is going to file for divorce. I am still in the home with my ex-fiance, he also wants to work it out, I'm not sure. If I stay, am I settling? Is my MM telling me the truth or is he going to take his wife back? He keeps saying he's going to file for divorce, but has yet to do so, although it's only been "public" knowledge for a month. I don't know who to trust, or who to turn to, so here I am. Any and all advice is welcome, although I do know what we're doing is HORRIBLE, and morally wrong, so I don't really need any lecturing. Sometimes I just think that myself and my MM could be really happy together, but is it all just a fantasy?? Thanks! First things first, end your engagement and totally break it off with your fiancee. It's obvious you're not in love with him as you started an affair while engaged and also would go be with the MM if he does leave his wife, so your fiancee needs to be free of you so he can find a woman that will only love him. Time will tell if your MM is for real or just giving you broken promises. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 The question about fantasy is an important one... How long were you with your ex-fiance? Why do you think you got into the A? How long was the A? I'm wary of people leaving FOR another. Even if your MM leaves, there is no guarantee things would work out, but when you leave FOR another, people often force it so that they aren't ridiculed or left empty-handed. You and he should consider the merits of your previous relationship...ALONE. That is, with no new person in the picture, would you still want to leave? Also, are you prepared to be alone? That is, don't stick with your fiance or he his W, just because you're afraid things won't work out with your AP. That's selfish and unfair. If you and MM leave your current partners for good...you may have to date in a normal fashion and you may realize it is a fantasy and it may not work...or it might. But you have to be truthful about how well you know each other, besides warm feelings, how compatible are you guys where it actually counts? Do the logistics of your lives fit together? And are you prepared to leave your spouses and be alone and start over should it not work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostinlovex2 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 How long were you with your ex-fiance? Why do you think you got into the A? How long was the A? I'm wary of people leaving FOR another. Even if your MM leaves, there is no guarantee things would work out, but when you leave FOR another, people often force it so that they aren't ridiculed or left empty-handed. Ex-fiance and I were together for 3 years and I think the A started because I was feeling neglected and bored. I should've spoken up, but didn't, and now I don't know if we can ever get it back. I know I would for sure NOT leave if no one else was involved. I'd probably be more motivated to work on our issues. I feel that I know I should walk away from my MM, but for some reason, I can't seem to find the words to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostinlovex2 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 Have you spoken with his wife very recently? I have. She doesn't believe that he's in love with me, and that it's lust, and that he still loves her. She's asked repeatedly to go to counseling and he tells her no. She asked if she should leave, he said yes, so she did. I am wary of what he tells me because I'm not a naive little girl who thinks he's telling me everything. I'm certain he hasn't been served and if he said so right now, I'm sure his W would move back in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostinlovex2 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 So what's the hold up then? It's been "public knowledge" for a month, but when was actual Dday? How many kids do they have? DDay was Oct. 28th, she moved into her parents on Nov 6th, I called off my engagement on Nov 15th and here we are. I'm not sure what the hold up is, that's the problem. He asked me to move in with him and I said no, not until he files for divorce. He's working on getting her out of her parents house and back into the place she lived when they met, which they currently rent out, so she has a place to move her things. They don't have children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostinlovex2 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 You said you spoke to her recently, but how long ago is recently? 3 days ago Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostinlovex2 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 Dday was a little over a month ago and he asked you to move in with him? Wow, that says a lot about him aside from the cheating. How long have they been married? Cheating says a lot about a lot of people, doesn't mean people don't change if they want to. I think he only offered because he doesn't want to waste time, he feels like he wasted enough in his current relationship. It's not happening no matter what. They were married 4 years Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 If he is serious about divorcing he should file now. If his BW does want to reconcile, every day that he does not file for divorce is probably very confusing to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostinlovex2 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 Someone who got caught cheating A MONTH AGO and has no problem moving in the OP is not someone who looks like they're "changing" anything. Seriously, he doesn't want to waste time? It doesn't sound like he doesn't want to waste time - it sounds like he's an impulsive jackazz. Big, HUGE red flag. You could very well be right about everything you said Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostinlovex2 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 Okay, at least you're open to his obvious character deficits. Is he really worth it? Your gut is telling you something - what is it? I'm open to them. I too am a cheater, which means I possess the same deficits right? My guy tells me to walk and be alone, I'm just not sure why I can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I'm open to them. I too am a cheater, which means I possess the same deficits right? My guy tells me to walk and be alone, I'm just not sure why I can't. Don't beat yourself too hard. Anyone can fall into an affair and if you read this forum many folks in affairs act in an irrational manner. The important thing is what you do after the fog is lifting and you can see what is really going on. 1. You need to leave your fiancé right away. He may be begging you to stay, but in reality it is not advisable to get married when there was infidelity before the wedding. There was boredom before marriage. I can tell you boredom happens in marriage too. This man cannot keep you entertained 24/7 so there will be lots of boredom and dissatisfaction. Talk to your fiancé and let him know you are leaving him for his own good (and yours too). 2. Leave the MOM. He could be a philanderer. I am assuming this is your first time and that you are not a philanderer. You seem to be genuinely concerned and I admire you for that. 3. Leave both men and try to figure out why you needed to cheat. It is likely you will be tempted to cheat on your next relationship once you get bored again. You need to explore why. 4. Apologize to your fiancé and the wife of MOM. They are hurting very badly even though it was never your intention to hurt them. 5. Never see your MOM again. He is toxic to you and can probably manipulate you. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Are You afraid to Not have a "man" in your life? With you saying you're waiting for MM but won't Leave your EX fiance it comes across as a bit selfish and a whole lot insecure. Maybe (if york not too scared of being single) take some time for just you and a counselor. My bet is you find out some things that you didn't see before and gain the tools to become the best you, you can be for a long, happy, genuine, honest life with someone.* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 What about ditching both of them and being on your own for a while to figure things out? It's not fair to string your ex fiance along, and it would give MM time to prove himself. If he really goes through with the divorce, even if you're not with him, then it might be ok to date him (though I'd proceed with extreme caution if I were you). If not, then you have your answer..he was just looking for a warm body to cushion the fall. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Standingstrong Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Hi, I'm going to tell you my thoughts on this.. Because I'm in the same exact situation right now, but I'm the wife. This woman has came in our life and has ruined everything. I know it takes two, don't get me wrong. But to be honest, my husband and I are currently seperated and the OW spends the night at OUR house. But when she isn't around, or has her kids, he is always calling me for sex, etc. So do not kid your self if he isn't going back to her for things. There will always be a connection there. Trust me. As far as my situation, I'm standing strong for our marriage and I know this OW will leave as soon as something better comes along anyways. Hi all - I'm fairly new to this site, although I've been scouring postings over the last several months to see if I can gain some insight into my situation. I'm mostly looking for people who've been in a similar situation and what they did/how their relationship turned out. Here's my story: I was engaged, started having an A with a MM. We got caught, he told his wife he was in love with me, she moved out but still wants to work it out, he says he doesn't and is going to file for divorce. I am still in the home with my ex-fiance, he also wants to work it out, I'm not sure. If I stay, am I settling? Is my MM telling me the truth or is he going to take his wife back? He keeps saying he's going to file for divorce, but has yet to do so, although it's only been "public" knowledge for a month. I don't know who to trust, or who to turn to, so here I am. Any and all advice is welcome, although I do know what we're doing is HORRIBLE, and morally wrong, so I don't really need any lecturing. Sometimes I just think that myself and my MM could be really happy together, but is it all just a fantasy?? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 Why are you afraid to be on your own? Why do you need to be validated by men? Work on those issues YOU have. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I'm surprised you aren't questioning his telling you that he is working on a place for his wife to live , but not working toward the divorce. Sounds like you are both hedging your bets. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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