Psychological warfare at home

[emilywtf]

It is late, 11:21 by my cellphone. My ex is downstairs watching batman movies and has the volume as loud as it will go. Of course, he knows i have clinical and work tomorrow and is doing this on purpose.

 

I ask him to turn it down and he tells me he wishes i would stand i front of a truck, so that is obviously not goi g to work.

 

I have zero money so i cannot get a hotel. None of my friends are late people and my family is too far to go stay with.

 

So what do i do? I am considering trying to sleep in my car but it is freezing out. Plus he would probably lock the storm doors so i cannot get it.

 

What the heck do i do? I am exhaused but the volume is literally shaking the doors and windows so i cannot sleep.

 

I hate this. I hate that this is coming from someone i thought loved me. It makes me sick and my heart ache even more.

[Balzac]

How loud can it be if neighbors aren't reporting a noise violation?

Buy some ear plugs and look for an apartment. He sounds like an adolescent. Pfft.

[todreaminblue]

take the fuses out of the fuse box......lock your room put cotton wool in your ears sweet dreams to ya.....think seriously about asking him to leave....i have a boarder who is an ex who has upped the volume when i try to speak to him .......after xmas i am ex free...i have given him notice.....i wish you the best....deb

[Yasuandio]

I thought this was a new post. However, I just noticed this event has past. My mistake.

Edited December 13, 2012 by Yasuandio
Removed post due to date.

[emilywtf]

He is doing it again. The tv is so loud the windows are rattling. With bass that high ear plugs do nothing. This is a house and so it takes a lot to get our neighbors to call the cops.

 

When i start feeling nostalgia about the good times, this reminds me why i am leaving. I am not going to bother asking him to turn it down because he will just tell me to go die or turn it up louder. He is mean and juvenile but i have to lay here until the movie is over. It is batman again so at least two hours. Wish i did not have to be at work at 7am.

[spiderowl]

Whose house is it? If it is his, it's hard to see what you can do other than move out. I can appreciate that is not easy. Are there any YMCA or similar hostels nearby - they might at least be able to advise you where you can stay until you find somewhere more permanent.

 

If it is your house, you can give him notice. I guess it's not.

 

If it is a house you share with him, you could call the local authority and complain about the noise. Tell them the circumstances and that you have no control over him but are forced to share a house with him at the moment. Maybe they can give him some warning or something or (and I know they can do this in the UK) confiscate the equipment. I guess this would affect your ability to watch TV too though.

 

I am really sorry you are in this position. It does sound awful.

[2sure]

I'm kind of dicey , so I would unplug the T V and throw it out a window.

If that is out of the question , call the cops as a neighbor and complain about the noise. They won't tell.

[turnera]

Go to HR at your hospital or wherever you work/study, and ask them to help you find a way out of that situation. Are you in the US?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't understand why, after the experience on 12/5, you are available to go through the exact same thing again 10 days later. Why aren't you staying at your friends' homes by now?

 

If you really won't stay somewhere else, buy some sound blocking headphones. They work.

 

But why you'll spend a single night under the roof of a husband who does stuff like this and tells you he wishes you'd stand in front of a truck, I cannot understand.

[emilywtf]

This is exactly the sort of attitude I had hoped to avoid by coming here. My friends are all 1.5 or more hours from where I live. I am available to go through this again because I have few choices. The last time the cops were called (by the neighbors) he though I called and beat me so bad I couldn't go to work for a week. When the cops were called for that, they did nothing. Not one damn thing. He told them I was threatening his life and it was self defense. They laughed about 'women' and left. So you have that.

 

I hate this "just leave" attitude because there are many reasons, financial aspects being a big part of it. Another big part of it is I AM AFRAID to go if I cannot go completely. Also, I need a place- Monetarily I cannot afford to stay with a friend in Pueblo because of gas costs to drive back to Denver for school and work every day (map it and figure it out).

 

So that is why. I am really sad that this sort of attitude is in a forum for abuse. You don't understand why? Probably because you have never been abused or in a situation where your choices are few. I am making the best I can, venting here, so I do not put myself in physical danger.

[turnera]

If you really wanted to leave, you would find a way. That isn't being flippant; it's the truth. You can leave voluntarily, or in a body bag some day. If you're attending school, there is most likely a system there for finding roommates, where you can rent a room in someone's house for a fraction of what an apartment costs. Or you could sign up for loans and it will be enough to pay for an apartment or a dorm; that's what my DD22 is doing. You could at least go to the school's student services and let them help you find ways to move out.

 

If you want to stay, you can start educating yourself more on abuse and how to deal with it, such as establishing boundaries and enforcing the consequences of the boundaries. Have you read Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men yet? Or one of Patricia Evans' books? That's a good place to start.

[emilywtf]

For the record, I have cashed out my IRA and other retirement to leave but I cannot do so until I can be gone all at once. I have a lawyer and because he knows how incredibly unstable my husband is, has recommended this course of action. I have to be able to go, all at once, and secretly so he cannot follow me or know where I am.

 

My school is not one with resources for students. There is no campus housing or counseling or anything of that nature. I already have 100k in student loans that have paid for my education, and I still am paying month to month to the school directly because my loans do not cover it all.

 

My employer has limited resources and I have used those as I can.

 

I came here to find an outlet, to be able to vent in a way that I cannot otherwise. I feel now that I am getting the same attitude I get from the cops- Just leave, just leave, just leave, you are stupid if you don't leave.

 

It is not that simple, but since you have not been there then you would not understand. This contempt for the abused makes me incredibly sad.

 

I thought LS was a place where I could vent safely and find some support. Clearly I was wrong.

[JamesM]

No, it certainly is a place that you can vent. I have done it many times, and it has helped.

 

For those of us on the outside, it is easy to say, Leave. What we don't feel is your fear and helplessness. We don't know the anger and pain that you have felt in the past from him. We simply know that you are in a situation that is bad for you, and we want to say leave before it hurts you worse.

 

I thin you should contact someone nearby for advice. They may be able to give you good directions on how to map your escape. They may be able to better understand your situation.

 

Feel free to vent. Just understand that the people who respond may never have been in your position. Others may have and have left it. Glean info from all and learn. The venting you do here many not only help you get out but also save your life.

 

Please stay and vent.

[turnera]

emily, BTDT. I WAS in your shoes. I stayed and stayed until I had to leave. It's the same with every abuse victim (who escapes) - you stay until you simply can't any more, until living in your car or on the street or giving up everything you own is preferable over living another day with him.

 

But since you don't want advice (you could have said that at first instead of what do I do? and we wouldn't have said anything), why don't we all just back off and let you vent, ok?

 

I can give you a TON of information on how to get out. If you wanted it. You'll want it when you want it.

[freestyle]

For the record, I have cashed out my IRA and other retirement to leave but I cannot do so until I can be gone all at once. I have a lawyer and because he knows how incredibly unstable my husband is, has recommended this course of action. I have to be able to go, all at once, and secretly so he cannot follow me or know where I am.

 

My school is not one with resources for students. There is no campus housing or counseling or anything of that nature. I already have 100k in student loans that have paid for my education, and I still am paying month to month to the school directly because my loans do not cover it all.

 

My employer has limited resources and I have used those as I can.

 

I came here to find an outlet, to be able to vent in a way that I cannot otherwise. I feel now that I am getting the same attitude I get from the cops- Just leave, just leave, just leave, you are stupid if you don't leave.

 

It is not that simple, but since you have not been there then you would not understand. This contempt for the abused makes me incredibly sad.

 

I thought LS was a place where I could vent safely and find some support. Clearly I was wrong.

 

You will get no contempt from me, only compassion.I also don't believe that the other posters are treating you with contempt---what I'm seeing is a lot of genuine concern for a poster in a potentially dangerous situation.

 

If the abuser in your life has already gotten physical, I do fear for your safety.

 

Is there a Women's shelter in your area that you can contact for further support, as you get your ducks in a row?

 

 

One more thing---If you're not getting support from local police, I'd like to recommend watching , "The Tracey Thurman Story".

 

She was an abused woman who was able to sue the local police for failing to respond to a breach of a restraining order. Their foot-dragging, and not taking her seriously nearly cost her her life. She did end up being maimed for life.

 

There are laws in place to protect DV victims---please make sure your rights aren't being trampled.

Edited December 21, 2012 by freestyle

[Radu]

LS is a place to vent, actually most of the ppl here have joined because of 'issues'.

 

Emily, human communication is mostly about body language and tonality.

The first is about 55% and cannot be shown through txt, while the latter is 38% or so ... and can be shown through txt very little.

What we are left is the words in question, 7%. This is what we see.

We cannot sense your despair, or your sense of helplesness, we can't look into your eyes and see panic.

 

It may sound weird, but if law allows you to record conversations without notifying other parties of it, i would start wearing a VAR and document the police stupidity.

That way, you may have something on them.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I have been in your shoes, and volunteered for a long time in a women's shelter.

 

The reason I asked why you had not gone to friends already was because you'd said in your OP that your friends are not "late people." It seems that you can go there during the day and stay for a while since you know that your ex husband will behave like this some more.

 

You are divorced, right? What are the terms of your divorce regarding living in the marital home?

 

I don't know what was up with your experience with the police, but you NEED to file a police report if your ex husband physically harms you, or stalks you. It's a crime.

 

I'm not being cavalier and saying "just leave." I know it's difficult. But ultimately, that is what needs to happen if you don't want to stay in the situation you're in. You need to leave it.

[Brit]

He told you to stand in front of a truck; I would love to slam him with my own vehicle reading this. It is word salad, NPD, psycho, crazy making behavoir to drive you as close to insanity as possible. I hope you realize you are much better than this, and find happiness on your own.

[spiderowl]

I am concerned for you. I know how complicated it can be to get out of any relationship, simply because of the physical and economic difficulties. Although people say 'stay with friends', we all know that it's awkward and short term, even with the best of friends.

 

The police were wrong not to charge your ex husband. You could probably sue them. You are probably feeling far too vulnerable and unsafe to do that at the moment.

 

Think about contacting a women's refuge. Talking to them doesn't mean you have to go there - you can just see what they suggest, consider what options are available to you. I don't know how well-resourced refuges are in your area so you'd need to find out what's available and possible.

 

Regardless, please get out as soon as you can. A guy who is doing this kind of thing is angry deep down. It is only a matter of time before he takes further action.