how to handle ex girlfriend

[jags2bowl27]

I came here wanting an opinion of maybe some people that have been in my shoes. I dont think my friends understand the situation and have really done a great job just making me move along, but they dont feel what I feel.

 

Here it is.... I worked with a girl when I was a Sophomore in College and she was a Senior in High School. We knew each other since she was 16 and never really thought about dating at all since she was very young. As time progressed and she got older... I got to know her really well. We went on a trip together as friends with no plans and we really hit it off. Long story short, we spent a lot of time together over the summer before she left to go to college out of state and we decided there was a bond and we would try to make this thing work long distance

 

Lets cut to the chase, the relationship was great.. GOOD COMMUNICATION the whole time, I was really close to her family and would eat dinner over there even without her. My parents treated her so well and they would even text her once in awhile. it was great besides the distance. We made it work, we would see eachother every month 1/2 around and we stayed positive knowing at one point we would be together. We never fought and we had a TON of trust. 2 years went by like this with no problem.

 

THEN... she moved in with 7 other people and I trusted her but they became the "party house." She never really had a period of time to let loose i guess and party it up. She stayed at my house for a month this past summer and i think the commitment scared her off. She met some guy she had feelings for, told me about it and was very open. She didnt cheat, she explained she felt weird and for the first time she didnt run off when someone hit on her like she usually would. It got her so confused and crazy and eventually I ended it. It was hard on both of us... this was in Sept.

 

Now, November rolls around and she notices I am with another girl. I am sure she got jealous, maybe thought I would wait around while she figured stuff out... but i didnt. I moved along... I kept communication open with her and said now is not the time. She still is in school for another yr and a half. She writes me a letter saying how she made a mistake, she loves me, im the one she wants to marry etc. I sent her a text saying I will take it to heart. She then writes something like, "I meant every word, I dont know whats wrong with me." I then flew to her state to see a mutual friend and she found out and sent me a text saying it was weird i was in her state and I didnt tell her so obviously I dont want to see her. She said she is going to stop contacting me now for now on and I should enjoy my stay.

 

 

Look, I still love her to death, i know deep down she is the one but maybe got blinded like i said with some influences from her friends. I did not respond to her last 2 texts out of respect to my new partner (we are not official but we act like it as of right now). Things are good, but i also feel bad not texting her back. She basically left me for another man and states she loves me still and all this stuff but then doesnt act on it. I even told her if it was me in her situation, I would have been at her door asking to talk.... nothing. I told her last time we spoke on the phone that we need to support eachother and i forgive her for what she did but dont know if I could forget. I love her and her family so much but I just feel like she might be playing games and not even knowing it. I feel she shouldnt want to see me and should put that effort into her new man that she chose to have relations with. I just want to shake her and guide her but I know I can not be the one to do that. How should I approach this with her contact. She says she doesnt want to contact me again but I know she will. Is she just young? Not contacting her the best thing?

 

Please help guys and girls!

 

Thanks

Edited December 5, 2012 by jags2bowl27

[jags2bowl27]

Also, i think its important to note, to be honest, when she was here for the month, i was working a lot and she wasnt and by the time i got home, went to the gym with her, cooked us dinner, i was tired and ready for bed. It wasnt prob the best month either and I know this and told her that maybe i took that month for granted and I apologized. I think this month and going back to school made it easier and I admitted my faults, and changed a bit with my new current girl where i do not bring work home etc. I think her being young didnt see this at the time and took this as I fell out of love for her which she has mentioned a few times. but shes so hot and cold right now. I think the first step to moving on is admitting your mistakes and seeing where it went wrong. I dont think she is ready to do that yet from her action, not what she writes on paper.

 

Am i right?

[Quest4_TheLost]

I think you did the right thing as far as just ignoring it. You really can't be sure if she is playing games but by allowing it you are giving her a chance to suck you in and play with your emotions.You have a new partner now and its really great that you have enough respect for her not to talk to your ex since your ex wants you back. That would drive most people crazy.

 

Everything is said and done. When you get to that point there is not much of anything left to say silence is the best solution.I could be wrong but it sounds like you might still be looking for some kind of closure? I think her saying sorry and saying she made a mistake might be the best closuer you'll get. If you are though and are serious about it then call her and try to have that conversation. But once your done I think its best you just don't look back.

 

Wether or not you can be friends with her in the future is really up to you.

The fact she left you for another guy though is a situation I would never return to. It sounded like part of you might be considering that. Good for you for not waiting and moving on with your life!! Keep moving forward!

Edited December 5, 2012 by Quest4_TheLost

[jags2bowl27]

Thanks for the reply... I am proud of myself and glad i found enough inside me to realize what most cant, it just isnt the right time. Here is the thing thought that i realize... when you love someone, you really need to let them go and find themselves and that is what im doing. She took me not telling her i was going by her as an insult that i dont want to see her... but it was for respect for her new man and my new girl. I think she is too immature to see that and honestly, if she is still trying to see me, i know deep down i have the upper hand and now she is MY back up option. Ill always love her and down the road, i think i can chalk this up to her being young and wanting to explore. Is that foolish of me to say? It will be my choice when it comes down to it, but she will need to make the effort, not just write words on paper.

 

We will be in the same spot here in another 2 weeks, and i can almost guarantee she will want to talk. I dont think i should make any meeting convenient for her, but when is the time where i tell her look, your being disrespectful to both my partner and yours and you need to take a step back and figure your stuff out

[Quest4_TheLost]

No I don't think thats foolish. Maybe thats just what she needs. There are many situations out there where people break up to "find themselves" somtimes they are in school and really busy with life but its usually wanting to seek other potenital partners. Rather they want to see if their past was a good fit or just because they lost the connection.

 

Everyone changes and continue to change through out their life (not always for the better). As long as you don't let her play with your head and emotions, then you telling her exactly where things lay shouldn't be a problem. So next time she talks to you give her the 411. Ignoring someone and going NC indefinetly is for yourself.

Some of us are hurting to much and know that if we let them continue to talk to us they will suck us back in to an unhealthy vicous cylce. So aslong as you stay away from that your golden. You never know what the future holds for you two. If that time comes make her work really hard for it!

[jags2bowl27]

thanks again man that post meant a lot and i agree, just got to be the mature one and control where this thing goes. The way things ended was not ideal, but when is it ever when your that deep in love. Ive learned from it, i know what will need to be done on my end to make it work, hopefully she takes this time to better herself as well but I dont see that happening anytime soon as she has not taken on this party life style. Who knows, her sisters wedding is in Feb, maybe it could wake her up... but this guy wont be sitting around. Hes working to make this new relationship work

[lovesick1]

Coming from a few very rocky relationships, I see a lot of potential with you and this girl (the LDR one).

 

The relationship sounds very mature for the age of you guys, you both act like respectful adults. Sure she is figuring things out, we all do in college, but she sure didn't go act crazy like some of the girls I dated. I wouldn't say she is playing games. Based on the history of your relationship, I don't think she is trying to con you into coming back to her by saying "its obvious you arent interested"- or however she put it.

 

Take it with a grain of salt because I put so much effort into my failed LDR, but I wouldn't give up on this girl. I would at least see it through before starting something else, making it official, and realizing you gave up something so natural and great that you can never get back. Don't just drop all contact. If you are thinking about her, call her. I trust you'll act like a respectful adult as will she as you both have proven that in the past. By posting here it's clear you still have feelings for her and until you effectively deal with those you shouldn't be jumping into another relationship.

 

This is the girl you will remember for a longgg time to come, trust me. Don't let that slip away unless you are certain it's finished

 

Go get her

[jags2bowl27]

Coming from a few very rocky relationships, I see a lot of potential with you and this girl (the LDR one).

 

The relationship sounds very mature for the age of you guys, you both act like respectful adults. Sure she is figuring things out, we all do in college, but she sure didn't go act crazy like some of the girls I dated. I wouldn't say she is playing games. Based on the history of your relationship, I don't think she is trying to con you into coming back to her by saying "its obvious you arent interested"- or however she put it.

 

Take it with a grain of salt because I put so much effort into my failed LDR, but I wouldn't give up on this girl. I would at least see it through before starting something else, making it official, and realizing you gave up something so natural and great that you can never get back. Don't just drop all contact. If you are thinking about her, call her. I trust you'll act like a respectful adult as will she as you both have proven that in the past. By posting here it's clear you still have feelings for her and until you effectively deal with those you shouldn't be jumping into another relationship.

 

This is the girl you will remember for a longgg time to come, trust me. Don't let that slip away unless you are certain it's finished

 

Go get her

 

Thanks for the kind words and I appreciate it. But at the same time, when you say "go get her" she is really not ready to be "gotten." She is confused, i think about her a lot... if i called her when i was thinking about her, it would be every day lol. But at the same time, i like this new girl and its worth giving her a chance. I will check in with the LDR girl from time to time if she wants to hit me up... but effort needs to come from her side and honestly, i cant sit here and wonder what if she wants to talk today.

 

I ignored her twice so far and I think going to her state and not telling her kind of put things into perspective.... she needs to grow a little if she wants to be with me, and she hasnt realized that yet.

[jags2bowl27]

Thanks for the kind words and I appreciate it. But at the same time, when you say "go get her" she is really not ready to be "gotten." She is confused, i think about her a lot... if i called her when i was thinking about her, it would be every day lol. But at the same time, i like this new girl and its worth giving her a chance. I will check in with the LDR girl from time to time if she wants to hit me up... but effort needs to come from her side and honestly, i cant sit here and wonder what if she wants to talk today.

 

I ignored her twice so far and I think going to her state and not telling her kind of put things into perspective.... she needs to grow a little if she wants to be with me, and she hasnt realized that yet.

 

 

I have one other question for the board and I really want to get your take on this. I believe and TRUST her that she didnt cheat. The guy she met that got her confused she did have relations with... we were adults like the previous poster said and admitted what we have done. She did this just weeks after the BU.... she didnt cheat but she did hop in bed with someone new and she said it felt weird..... do you categorize this as cheating? Emotional Cheating? She told me how she felt before anything happened. I just wonder if this thing does ever come around down the road, would I have to worry about trusting her.

 

Whats your thoughts?

[Quest4_TheLost]

No its not cheating not in the slightest. However that is not going to make it feel like its not to you. When a BU is that fresh is going to feel like she is cheating. So I understand your pain. I also don't feel she cared that much about you if she is willing to just hop into someone elses bed that soon after the BU. Sorry

[jags2bowl27]

thanks quest!

[lovesick1]

Definitely not cheating as you guys were broken up. In my experience in a relationship like this girls are quick to jump in with someone new because guys easily let it happen and they are lonely. But she is still thinking of you

[jags2bowl27]

yeah thats what i was going with too..... she is still seeing the same kid too, i figured it would be over by now. Im gonna let it play out and keep moving on! If it is meant to be it will be! I just dont get if she broke up to find herself wouldnt she want to date several guys? not this same guy for 3-4 months

[jags2bowl27]

Alright guys... quick update, these past few days I have been thinking a lot and I think its for several reasons. I met the new girl's family this past weekend and the whole day leading up to it my head was going nuts. I was so close with my ex's family I was legit scared and felt like I wasnt ready but I sucked it up and actually had a pretty good time minus the fact that it was 3 sisters, two babies, 2 children, and her mom (aka A LOT TO HANDLE lol).

 

A mutual friend contacted me a few nights ago and told me he thinks i should stay on the path im on because from my ex's pictures on fb and instagram, it looks like she is getting close to this guy. Like I said before, I am trying to handle this the mature way and not get caught up in all the social media stuff. The guy is good looking, im not going to lie but I honestly think what we had was special. In one sense, im with a new girl and working on just forgetting my ex but sometimes it gets hard. The last contact we had was "Im not going to contact you anymore" because I didnt tell her I was going to her state. The way she is acting right now I dont want to be with her, especially LONG DISTANCE but i seriously think down the road we could work this thing out... we never fought. She will be coming back home in a few days and from previous discussions she knows I will be in for the weekend. I can't lie, i am wondering if she will contact me. And with her going off with some guy, I feel like I should just ignore it if it happens.

 

My head is getting jumbled again and I need you guys to help straighten it out.

 

Thanks guys

[Cali408]

Girls under 22 and under change their mind all the time. Be strong and focus on your new girlfriend who is interested in you. De-friend the old girl off facebook, and block her. Have no contact, she lost interest in your or was too immature. When you think you're in love, you usually have 3 or 4 more girls you'll fall in love with.

[jags2bowl27]

Girls under 22 and under change their mind all the time. Be strong and focus on your new girlfriend who is interested in you. De-friend the old girl off facebook, and block her. Have no contact, she lost interest in your or was too immature. When you think you're in love, you usually have 3 or 4 more girls you'll fall in love with.

 

I have not seen her FB in over 4 months, i blocked her right away... i dont want to see it either. It was one slip up by a friend and I told him i dont want to hear about what she is doing. I am going to turn my focus back onto her but what do i say if she contacts me. I felt like i was the mature one when we spoke like adults on the phone when we needed too. Now im back to ignoring her.

[Cali408]

Tell her the truth, you're with someone else and don't want to be friends for now.

[jags2bowl27]

Tell her the truth, you're with someone else and don't want to be friends for now.

 

i guess the truth is always best haha

[jags2bowl27]

Coming from a few very rocky relationships, I see a lot of potential with you and this girl (the LDR one).

 

The relationship sounds very mature for the age of you guys, you both act like respectful adults. Sure she is figuring things out, we all do in college, but she sure didn't go act crazy like some of the girls I dated. I wouldn't say she is playing games. Based on the history of your relationship, I don't think she is trying to con you into coming back to her by saying "its obvious you arent interested"- or however she put it.

 

Take it with a grain of salt because I put so much effort into my failed LDR, but I wouldn't give up on this girl. I would at least see it through before starting something else, making it official, and realizing you gave up something so natural and great that you can never get back. Don't just drop all contact. If you are thinking about her, call her. I trust you'll act like a respectful adult as will she as you both have proven that in the past. By posting here it's clear you still have feelings for her and until you effectively deal with those you shouldn't be jumping into another relationship.

 

This is the girl you will remember for a longgg time to come, trust me. Don't let that slip away unless you are certain it's finished

 

Go get her

 

Lovesick what you think

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/362280-urgent-meeting-ex-tonight#post4455091

[jags2bowl27]

Alright guys just a quick update... like i posted, me and the ex met up on sat and it went well. I knew going into it that the girl i was with was not going to cut it... i just wasnt ready to date so i broke things off last night. Not only do I still love my ex (even though she is still confused), I want time to myself to work out, meet new people (not getting into a relationship) and have fun as a single guy. I need to prove to myself that I am not needy.

 

Since my ex and I determined that communication was the issue at hand and why the break up happened, I decided to let her know that I shut things down with the new girl. Even though I thought to myself why would i want to tell her this, i did because i want to be open. I explained to her that it doesnt change anything, im not ready and its not the time but i wanted her to hear for herself before she found out about it. She said she really appreciated it and she obviously is not ready with her current situation. I wanted to put the ball back in her court and not im going to focus on me.

 

You guys think i did right?

[sadpanda87]

dont see your ex until you have no more emotional investment in the person, it could take months, years. but do yourself the favor and avoid it until you're ready.

 

meanwhile, live in the 'now'

[ilou]

There's a pretty good chance you'll find out some things she did even though you broke up with her and you may get jealous.

 

This is a tuffy. Good luck

[jags2bowl27]

Update:

 

Last night i was hanging out with friends at a party and i get a text from her that is pretty long. It basically stated that she was shocked when i called her the other day to tell her about me splitting up from the new chick to work on myself and apologized for being short on the phone because she was stunned. She said she doesnt feel as if she is nearly ready to work on this again (makes sense, she has a guy that is 20min from her, im 800 miles) and that she agrees that we have one shot to make this work (we said this to eachother when we met up last week) and she doesnt think now is the time. She mentions that she needs to figure this mess out and work on herself (in my mind im saying how do you work on yourself when your seeing another guy) and its not fair to keep me from moving on because she doesnt know when she is going to be ready. She wished me and my family a happy holiday and said she will speak to me soon.

 

Then, not even 4min later i get another text (have not responded) that said something along the lines, "I dont expect you to respond blah blah blah."

 

I sent her a quick reply, "Have a good Holiday with your family!" and thats it. She responded back thank you.

 

 

Guys, her head is everywhere and like i said I am not going to just not respond, i dont believe that is the answer. Ive taken the approach of taking anything she says with a grain of salt and not buying into it. I wanted to post to keep this updated and maybe get some insight from anyone that is mature and sees maybe what is going on here. Like i said, shes never had time to be a college student, she has 1yr 1/2 left..... i know this thing wont work unless shes done with college and into the real world.