An unwanted crush!

[Asuncion]

OK, this is the real problem.

 

That is why the crush seems so HUGE.

 

Are you saying no sex? And you are in your mid 20s?

 

Could you explain?

 

What kind of attention you need from your H?

 

Out of curiosity. Are you Muslim?

 

Because he can live without it, and because he fears I could get pregnant.... and not Im not muslim. Most of my time I wonder how it would be to be with another man that actually makes you feel desired...... I have told him that the lacks of s... makes me feel like the ugliest women lol, but he doesn't really get it. And the truth it that Im cute and fit, but well some men are just weird.........

[Pierre]

Because he can live without it, and because he fears I could get pregnant.... and not Im not muslim. Most of my time I wonder how it would be to be with another man that actually makes you feel desired...... I have told him that the lacks of s... makes me feel like the ugliest women lol, but he doesn't really get it. And the truth it that Im cute and fit, but well some men are just weird.........

 

Afraid of pregnancy? You could use birth control or he could do it at the times of the month when you are not fertile.

 

He could be an asexual guy. Was he sexual when you first met him?

 

Could he have an OW taking care of his sexual needs?

 

At that age there is usually a strong biological urge.

[eleanorrigby]

Because he can live without it, and because he fears I could get pregnant.... and not Im not muslim. Most of my time I wonder how it would be to be with another man that actually makes you feel desired...... I have told him that the lacks of s... makes me feel like the ugliest women lol, but he doesn't really get it. And the truth it that Im cute and fit, but well some men are just weird.........

 

Why not just keep your life simple and either fix the problem with your husband or get a divorce? Adding anyone else into the mix is just going to complicate your life and his life, unnecessarily.

 

You are not in love with this man right now so you can't even use the ole tired "but I love him, we are soulmates and I never meant for this to happen!!" excuse.

 

You push any further with this, you are making a decision to a threat to your marriage and your spouses emotional and physical health.

[veryhappy]

Unhappy marriage. Lack of sex. You feel unattractive. Foreign country. Surprise! You are intrigued by another man.

 

I'd say look into your marriage if you really want it. The answer could be negative.

[Pierre]

Unhappy marriage. Lack of sex. You feel unattractive. Foreign country. Surprise! You are intrigued by another man.

 

 

You forgot to say: In need of external validation.

[veryhappy]

You forgot to say: In need of external validation.

 

No need. You're always around to add that bit...

[flightysue]

Do you think I should tell him? Or I should keep it to myself?

 

No no no....keep it to yourself, you have a lot to lose.

[Owl]

So here's what you do.

 

Every time you look at him and 'start to crush'...simply stop for a minute and think about how your husband would feel if he could read your mind in that instant.

 

Remind yourself that he's the man you love.

 

Feel that moment of disgust at yourself for what you'd do to him if you opted to pursue anything with that "crush".

 

You'll find that if you do this...and deliberately and intentionally limit any interaction with your classmate...that 'crush' will fade over time.

 

Make sense?

[Pierre]

So here's what you do.

 

Every time you look at him and 'start to crush'...simply stop for a minute and think about how your husband would feel if he could read your mind in that instant.

 

Remind yourself that he's the man you love.

 

Feel that moment of disgust at yourself for what you'd do to him if you opted to pursue anything with that "crush".

 

You'll find that if you do this...and deliberately and intentionally limit any interaction with your classmate...that 'crush' will fade over time.

 

Make sense?

 

According to OP the H is not into her. He just like to cuddle, no sex.

 

So this is ripe for OP to become an MOW.

 

If she knows how to act normally at home after seeing the potential OM she could be an MOW any time soon.

 

She should tell the H she is crushing another man because the H is not giving her attention and validation.

[Mrs.Dee]

Wow, this is almost like reading about myself, except the non sex part + I am older .

[Asuncion]

Thanks to all for the replies, now I'm planning to tell my husband, because I need to get this out of me. The fact that I don't have family neither close friends here make it even more difficult for me. I don't know how he will react, because he get mad easily.

[Mrs.Dee]

Thanks to all for the replies, now I'm planning to tell my husband, because I need to get this out of me. The fact that I don't have family neither close friends here make it even more difficult for me. I don't know how he will react, because he get mad easily.

I also spoke to my significant other last night, and he got the message, but I am not sure whether it is in his power to do something about it or not... time will show.

 

Best of luck to you as well and hope your husband understands how important it is for a women to feel desired and wanted -

[Asuncion]

HELP! I just spoke with him, and he got mad, and tell me that from now on things will change for the worse, he even told me that he wants me out of the house. Now I'm at loss and I regret to put at risk my marriage for this silly thing. What I do now?

[Pierre]

HELP! I just spoke with him, and he got mad, and tell me that from now on things will change for the worse, he even told me that he wants me out of the house. Now I'm at loss and I regret to put at risk my marriage for this silly thing. What I do now?

 

Wow!

 

He reacted in that manner because you were honest?

 

Maybe you should leave this man. There are no kids and he seems a bit strange. No interest in sex when in his mid 20s is very strange. Throwing you out for this is extremely weird. He should be thankful you are honest and truthful!

[Mrs.Dee]

Wow!

 

He reacted in that manner because you were honest?

 

Maybe you should leave this man. There are no kids and he seems a bit strange. No interest in sex when in his mid 20s is very strange. Throwing you out for this is extremely weird. He should be thankful you are honest and truthful!

I totally agree on this one, unless it is some first defensive reaction or something or that he misunderstodd what you meant or something.

[Owl]

If he's wanting you out of the house...threatening you that "things will be worse"...then the issues in your marriage are much greater than the crush you confessed to him.

 

The good thing is...change can't happen until these things are out in the open.

 

He has the choice to continue a relationship with you or not in light of this new info...if he chooses not to, then perhaps you're better served by learning the limits of this relationship?

 

I get that he's hurt/angry/etc....don't take me wrong. But if his first reaction is this extreme...that indicates there are other concerns at work here too.

 

Use this opportunity to address those.

[Asuncion]

I feel so confused right now, I think there are some things that should never be said, maybe this was one of those. He also threatened me to expose this to his mother, I mean WTF. I think I did something terrible telling him this, he even called me a slut. I'm feeling like the worse person on earth. I'm really afraid. By the way he is in his late twenties. I think he is too good for me

 

I'm also scared of what his family will think if he tell them. Why does he want to low my reputation like that???

 

Also when he gets mad he doesn't talk to me , so my pain its double now, god I should keep this to myself.

Edited December 6, 2012 by Asuncion

[Mrs.Dee]

I feel so confused right now, I think there are some things that should never be said, maybe this was one of those. He also threatened me to expose this to his mother, I mean WTF. I think I did something terrible telling him this, he even called me a slut. I'm feeling like the worse person on earth. I'm really afraid. By the way he is in his late twenties. I think he is too good for me

 

I'm also scared of what his family will think if he tell them. Why does he want to low my reputation like that???

 

Also when he gets mad he doesn't talk to me , so my pain its double now, god I should keep this to myself.

No no, he is not to good for you, with all your patience for him, its he that doesn't deserve a girl like you..

I don't think he seems like a nice person, it is like he is trying to punish you and make you look bad in public for what you told him, and that is actually a very bad sign i'm afraid. The not talking thing, at least if it last for days is also a very bad sign, so if you have the oppertunity to do som, you should probably reconsider the relationship to your H.

 

Anyway, he might be upset now because he misunderstood you in some way, after all, crushes on other people when we are in a relationship, is kind of a touchy topic.

Did he understand that it is him ( your H) you love and want to be with?

and it is because it it is his lacking interest in you, that make you vulnerable for this kind of attention?

 

Otherwise he might have just heard: " I got a crush on another man" , and frankly if my Husband had told me that without me understanding the whole background, it would have made me very upset to, but I wouldnt have punished him for telling me it, but first reaction would probably have been "**** you!".

[Asuncion]

No no, he is not to good for you, with all your patience for him, its he that doesn't deserve a girl like you..

I don't think he seems like a nice person, it is like he is trying to punish you and make you look bad in public for what you told him, and that is actually a very bad sign i'm afraid. The not talking thing, at least if it last for days is also a very bad sign, so if you have the oppertunity to do som, you should probably reconsider the relationship to your H.

 

Anyway, he might be upset now because he misunderstood you in some way, after all, crushes on other people when we are in a relationship, is kind of a touchy topic.

Did he understand that it is him ( your H) you love and want to be with?

and it is because it it is his lacking interest in you, that make you vulnerable for this kind of attention?

 

Otherwise he might have just heard: " I got a crush on another man" , and frankly if my Husband had told me that without me understanding the whole background, it would have made me very upset to, but I wouldnt have punished him for telling me it, but first reaction would probably have been "**** you!".

 

 

I tell him crying that he is the one that I loved, I begged him not to tell his family, but if he does I think I'm leaving for good. He also told me that I just bring him problems, and that he would like to leave and let him be happy. I don't want to lose him, I really don't , I'm scared of the outcome, just imagine, what if he tells the guy? Right now I'm a mess thinking in all the probabilities.

[angie2443]

I feel so confused right now, I think there are some things that should never be said, maybe this was one of those. He also threatened me to expose this to his mother, I mean WTF. I think I did something terrible telling him this, he even called me a slut. I'm feeling like the worse person on earth. I'm really afraid. By the way he is in his late twenties. I think he is too good for me

 

I'm also scared of what his family will think if he tell them. Why does he want to low my reputation like that???

 

Also when he gets mad he doesn't talk to me , so my pain its double now, god I should keep this to myself.

 

I can understand your husband bieng upset, but threatening to throw you out and to expose you to his mother?? It seems like he either has a lot of control here, or thinks he does.

 

You're still young and you don't have children. Have you ever thought of ending the marriage? It seems like this marriage could bring you a lot of unhappiness in the future. It will twice as hard with children.

[Asuncion]

I can understand your husband bieng upset, but threatening to throw you out and to expose you to his mother?? It seems like he either has a lot of control here, or thinks he does.

 

You're still young and you don't have children. Have you ever thought of ending the marriage? It seems like this marriage could bring you a lot of unhappiness in the future. It will twice as hard with children.

 

He indeed has a lot of control, because financially I depend on him. But I don't want to leave him, and I don't want to be divorced that young. Also I fear what my family and his family will think if I leave. I'm shaking..

 

I use to criticize those kind of slutty women that leave their good husbands, and know I'm worried I'm one of those. OMG HOW IN THE HELL THIS HAPPENED?

 

 

Another detail that bothers me a lot, he also told me that he will tell his boss, who he is close too,,,

Edited December 6, 2012 by Asuncion

[CarrieT]

He indeed has a lot of control, because financially I depend on him. But I don't want to leave him, and I don't want to be divorced that young. Also I fear what my family and his family will think if I leave. I'm shaking..

Better to be divorced young, when you have a chance to regroup and rethink the rest of your life than be treated this way for years and years.

 

I use to criticize those kind of slutty women that leave their good husbands, and know I'm worried I'm one of those. OMG HOW IN THE HELL THIS HAPPENED?

You did nothing wrong and you are not a slutty woman. You had an honest reaction to another human being and it happens to everyone ALL THE TIME. You were frank with your husband because you thought you had faith in your marriage but he is way over-reacting.

 

Another detail that bothers me a lot, he also told me that he will tell his boss, who he is close too,,,

Why is he bringing people into this situation who are not involved? Your marriage sounds very manipulative and un-healthy. I'm genuinely concerned for your well-being.

 

Please consider working on your financial independence as I do not predict this will be a life-long marriage and you will eventually want to break free.

[eleanorrigby]

I feel so confused right now, I think there are some things that should never be said, maybe this was one of those. He also threatened me to expose this to his mother, I mean WTF. I think I did something terrible telling him this, he even called me a slut. I'm feeling like the worse person on earth. I'm really afraid. By the way he is in his late twenties. I think he is too good for me

 

I'm also scared of what his family will think if he tell them. Why does he want to low my reputation like that???

 

Also when he gets mad he doesn't talk to me , so my pain its double now, god I should keep this to myself.

 

You are scared right now but realize that you made the right decision. If this is the reaction to finding out you just thought about it, can you imagine the reaction to finding out you did it??

 

I'm glad you told. Good luck.

[Survivor12]

Telling him was the RIGHT thing to do. So often, when people are caught in affairs, the betrayed spouse will say, "Why didn't you tell me you were unhappy!" and outsiders will question why they didn't do something to stop it before it got so far. You, my dear, are one of the smart ones who acknowledged the problem and did what you could to stop it before taking a leap into the abyss. Be proud of yourself for that!

 

As far as your husband is concerned, his reaction to being told about your crush is extreme over-reaction. The question is why. Is it possible that he has had or is having an affair himself? If so, he could be projecting his own feelings of guilt onto you or even using this as an excuse to leave your marriage without taking any blame from his family, co-workers and friends. By making you the villain, he can justify wanting out. On the other hand, he may just be a control freak who feels that he has the right to control your emotions/feelings, and NO ONE has a right to control what you feel.

 

Please do not grovel for forgiveness. Stand your ground and let him know that you did the right thing by being honest with him. If you allow him to put you in a corner now, you will be setting yourself up to be even more controlled by him in the future. Years from now, he will still be holding it over your head if you accept this treatment from him now.

 

So, let him tell anyone who will listen. If they don't care enough about you to hear your side of the story--that you were being honest with your husband--and understand that you did the right thing, then they aren't worth worrying about.

[Asuncion]

So, why should I do when he come from work, if he continues with the idea of telling everybody? and then how do I tell my family that my marriage failed and that I am back home? If he still wants me out.