Girl kisses, smooches me, we have sex. 3 months later, cries it was not consensual.

[arakhand]

Long story short. Knew this girl for almost 2 months, spent really good times talking long hours on phone from late nights to early mornings, exchanged almost around 100 texts a day. She was quite intimate and we discussed everything from sexual preferences to likes, dislikes etc. She had been asking me to visit her several times but I couldn’t owing to my rigorous academic schedule. One fine evening, she surprises me telling she’s coming down to see and spend a day with me and that she can’t wait to see me anymore. From the moment I picked her up at the subway she was all over me, hugging me, singing songs for me etc. Later in the day, I ask her for a kiss, although a bit hesitant initially, she agrees and things turn steamy soon after. We kiss and smooch passionately numerous times throughout the day. Had a real fun day eating out, watching a movie and making out. I wasn’t really comfortable making out in public places and insisted on doing it in private. However, she loved the attention that we got. We hugged, cuddled, kissed, smooched etc through the day. Together, we have a few drinks in the night and end up having sex with me respecting her choices and preferences. I present her with intimate apparel, purchased the day before she came, only to tell how dear and close she was to me. The following morning we discuss of contraception that she might need to take and what she usually followed the previous times she had sex with her partners when they were not sure if they had cum inside her. (Excuse me for the explicitness). Things were great – we hug, kiss and smooch each other and she leaves saying she would be back soon for her winter vacation. I was also finding out suitable part time jobs for her to do during the vacation. No issues with regard to pregnancy or whatsoever. We talked like before for a couple of days after which she stops talking. She gets closer with my friend who introduced me to her (roughly around the same time he knew her) and was apparently close to him from the time they knew each other. All of us study in geographically different locations.

 

Vacation begins, we come home and after knowing that me and him were quite good friends she suspects if he might ever come to know about what happened between us and so, tries to distance him from me. However, her efforts failed as we knew each other for years. He tries to get us talking not knowing of what happened between us. I had absolutely no idea why she stopped talking to me – never thought it could be because of the sex because it was just so consensual and things were great and there was lot of intimacy before and after. Almost three months later, he suggests we meet over lunch to sort out differences if any. I was fine with it, however, she was worried if everything would come out and refuses to meet over lunch. Then she probably thinks it’s better if he comes to know about it from her than he coming to know about it from me or my friends. She tells him of what happened between us and adds that she did not really want to do it and that it was not consensual. He blindly trusts her and confronts me in anger and warns me not to come close ever. He threatens me he could file rape charges if he wanted to just going by her one word that it was not consensual without knowing what happened between us. Had I not known the guy she was with now or if I had distanced myself from the both of them she would never have made an issue out of what happened. Our good friendship felt like a ticking bomb to her that she would get caught some day.

 

She comes up with this allegation after all her efforts to distance him from me failed. She didn’t want her morals or character to be questioned if he came to know about it from me or someone else.

 

How do I deal with this? It’s been almost 18 months since this happened. How do I deal with losing the good friendship? We share several good friends in common.

 

- Will provide additional details if required.

Edited December 5, 2012 by arakhand

[Balzac]

Welcome to he said, she said. I'm not understanding his statement that he can file charges. She can file a complaint and the prosecutor then decides, on the merits, to bring charges or not.

 

I'm guessing no charges have been filed against you?

 

Creepy friend who is apparently misguided. I'd gladly lose a friend if it meant escaping charges of rape.

[Nightsky]

Yes, girls do lie about rape. They also make up their own definition of rape. For all we know she defines your rape of her as being she had sex with you so that you would like her... not that she had sex with you because she felt legitimately threatened physically.

 

I would just stay away from these idiots. Hopefully they don't go around ruining your good name or trying to have you arrested. Really though it's been a long time and it's a case of he said she said so I doubt you'll be arrested if you live in the US.

[road]

Were you both 18 at the time?

 

There is nothing her BF can threaten you with.

 

What you don't realize is this girl, either before or after she banged your brains out, she banged this other guy's brains out. And continued to do him after she did you for sure.

 

It appears that she wanted him over you. She went full damage control by lying to him that you forced yourself on her.

 

Do you still have the intimate apparel receipt? Send him a copy of the receipt, along with a note how she willingly wore this for you. She lied to you and him.

[arakhand]

Thanks for the quick replies and the support.

 

I'm not understanding his statement that he can file charges. She can file a complaint and the prosecutor then decides, on the merits, to bring charges or not.

 

I'm guessing no charges have been filed against you?

 

Creepy friend who is apparently misguided. I'd gladly lose a friend if it meant escaping charges of rape.

 

Additional detail i did not include in my first post:-

After she tells him that she did not really want to do all that she did with me and somehow was forced to do it he along with another friend (who i also know) abduct me to an isolated location in the night, on the pretext of going out for coffee, and threaten me saying they could harm me physically and also file a complaint against me. They left leaving me there in the outskirts of the city in the middle of the night. I was terrified at the thought of the complaint. However, they did not go further to file the complaint. That was just to deter me away and asked me never to be seen

again to them or the mutual friends. Later, i gathered courage and file a complaint with the police for abduction and serious threats. By then, the guy left to his university. His parents were called to the station and told about the case by when they started pleading me to withdraw the complaint. They were left with verbal warnings after getting a written undertaking from them wherein they apologised for the trouble caused to me and that they would be held responsible if the guy resorts to do anything.

 

So, i am hopeful no complaint would be bought against me ever.

 

Yes, girls do lie about rape. They also make up their own definition of rape. For all we know she defines your rape of her as being she had sex with you so that you would like her... not that she had sex with you because she felt legitimately threatened physically.

 

 

The girl knew it was absolutely consensual. However, she had no other way to justify her sleeping with me and hence blamed it on me and the alcohol (that too almost 3 months later ). That was purely an attempt to save her face and justify her actions. She also tells him not to ask me anything about it and they should just leave it at that and keep away from me (He misinterprets this for her niceness, while the fact was she feared the truth would come out if he confronted me) . He doesn't listen to her and in an attempt to show his heroism abducts and threatens me.

 

Were you both 18 at the time?

 

Do you still have the intimate apparel receipt? Send him a copy of the receipt, along with a note how she willingly wore this for you. She lied to you and him.

 

Yes, all people involved were well above 18 (20 to 23). I don't have the receipt. Even if i had, he would believe that she would not have liked it and was only obligated to take it.

Edited December 5, 2012 by arakhand

[Balzac]

Reasonable minds could make a case that once she'd imbibed alcohol, she could not give consent. I would caution you on that fact.

 

No charges against you by now, seems unlikely in the future.

 

What can we tell you about friendships with people who think and behave as your so called friends? Run. Fast. Stay away from them.

Adults who handle conflict the way they did will be your undoing.

 

After 18 months it's unclear to me what your motive or real question is?

I understand the psychological stress. I understand venting here.

 

How do I deal with this? It’s been almost 18 months since this happened. How do I deal with losing the good friendship? We share several good friends in common. . Move on. Pray to never have contact ever.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Balzac
Add quote

[arakhand]

What can we tell you about friendships with people who think and behave as your so called friends? Run. Fast. Stay away from them.

Adults who handle conflict the way they did will be your undoing.

 

After 18 months it's unclear to me what your motive or real question is?

 

How do I deal with this? It’s been almost 18 months since this happened. How do I deal with losing the good friendship? We share several good friends in common. . Move on. Pray to never have contact ever.

 

Not much worried about the charges. It's too late.

 

My concern is, i am being seen as the badguy here. (Or atleast that's how people would look at me is what i think. He and the girl are together now, so anybody would see her sleeping with me as only by force). Whereas the fact is i have been made the scapegoat by the girl in an attempt to save her face.

 

I still believe the two guys are good, they just believed the girl's version and did not bother cross checking things from me. I want to believe they only acted on incomplete info. Had they known the complete story they wouldn't have behaved the way they did, i feel.

 

Alright, leaving those 2 guys there are many other friends we share in common. Can't really let everyone go. How do i approach and deal with the rest? This is my problem. Since then, i have not really hung out with the many good friends we have in common.

 

Never having contact ever is what i am finding difficult i think especially given the fact that we were such good friends for years before. I am finding this difficult probably because i am emotionally connected.

 

I don't want to be losing friends when i haven't done any wrong. Running away from them would reinforce their belief that i have done something wrong.

Edited December 5, 2012 by arakhand
Added detail.

[dasein]

I still believe the two guys are good, they just believed the girl's version and did not bother cross checking things from me. I want to believe they only acted on incomplete info. Had they known the complete story they wouldn't have behaved the way they did, i feel.

 

They are idiots for doing what they did without hearing your side of things. Based on what you post about this woman, it's not exactly a hidden facet of her personality that she is hyperemotional and impulsive. Anyone with any sense at all who knows her would take her story with a huge grain of salt before doing what they did. I would have proceeded with the complaint against them, despite their parents' protests, and would have sued their asses for damages once they cut a deal. Kidnapping is a serious crime in all states for a reason. Those who show a propensity to do things like that deserve punishment. Good luck staying away from all these a-holes in life.

[arakhand]

Kidnapping is a serious crime in all states for a reason. Those who show a propensity to do things like that deserve punishment. Good luck staying away from all these a-holes in life.

 

This incident of kidnapping has really shaken my confidence as a man. I have a slight fear somewhere at the corner of my mind that they might do this again or probably assault me. Because all that they know is I got her drunk against her will and forcibly imposed myself on her, which could trigger emotions anytime. I did not get a chance to explain to them ever. Neither does she go ahead and file a complaint. I want them to come forward, have a dialogue or atleast file a complaint (They have been warned by the police never to get in contact with me). I have proofs of our intimacy, chats and photos to defend myself and also that i can out come clean once and forever. More than her, he thinks she is the victim. However, they do not come ahead to file a complaint.

 

I am some how not able to let go off this incident. Am I being unnecessarily paranoid and blowing this out of proportion or is my fear justified? Or am i too cocooning myself into the problem? I so wish I can call truce with them.

 

Or if they believe that it was consensual then why the bitterness? Can't we just not be talking again?

 

Can I ever start living my life like the way before?

 

I need emotional support. When i read about incidents of assault etc in the news i feel that could happen to me too or if they read the news it could enrage them to do a similar thing to me.

 

Excuse me for the long post. I let out all the thoughts running in my mind.

Edited December 6, 2012 by arakhand
Added detail

[arakhand]

He is of the opinion that his girlfriend is just too nice to cheat.

 

She does drugs, smokes, has been with other guys before and broke up after some issues. But, after this incident she has tried to become nicer in order to get her act together.

[dasein]

I need emotional support. When i read about incidents of assault etc in the news i feel that could happen to me too or if they read the news it could enrage them to do a similar thing to me.

 

Excuse me for the long post. I let out all the thoughts running in my mind.

 

Not at all on the post, vent it out here, it's what this place is for. I think you should talk to a lawyer licensed in your jurisdiction.

[aed]

O, Man that what terrible! I am sorry for you.

 

What a stupid BITCH btw.

[todreaminblue]

I am sorry this happened to you, it si a case of he said she said the fact is you are being truthful and of charges were to be bought agaisnt you it wouldnt be by the guy who is seeing her now it would have to be the girl who filed the complaint.....and if she is any way sane she woudl not file false allegations of rape....its hard enough to prove true rape in a date rape situation.....that a lot of girls or women who do get date raped dont want that court case because they know exactly what is going to be said or exactly what happens in that court room......slander and lies.....from the lying party....she is an idiot if she tries this false rape crap.....the fact she didnt seek medical help, or report it is an immediate concern to the prosecuter...and then if it were to go to court the fact she is now going out with a friend of yours....wont look too good ....

 

 

or the fact the friendship split......you should have reported the abduction and beat them to that threatened court case....because that actually happened to you......courts get pissed off when false accusations come to light......it costs money so if you take someone to court you better have a legitimate case.....unlike her you have one if you are sincere with what you have written

 

 

wasting money and peoples time with false charges is.....an offence in itself....so is perjury.she isnt going to take you to court the misguided ex friend of yours is the one who threatened that....if you are worried....seek legal aid....explain the situation and ask for their advice on your next move or if you should worry about it at all...also find out about the abduction that occurred at the same time you seek advice..good luck..deb

Edited December 6, 2012 by todreaminblue

[magnoliasoutherly]

What a f*****g bitch! There is no nice word for her.

 

My take is that she likes this so-called "friend" and is using that to gain his protective attention. She's a game player and she's thrown out the hood for the "friend".

 

I agree that NC is absolutely important. He'll come to see his mistake and he'll get what he deserves.

[D-Lish]

Knew this girl for almost 2 months, spent really good times talking long hours on phone from late nights to early mornings, exchanged almost around 100 texts a day. She was quite intimate and we discussed everything from sexual preferences to likes, dislikes etc. She had been asking me to visit her several times but I couldn’t owing to my rigorous academic schedule. One fine evening, she surprises me telling she’s coming down to see and spend a day with me and that she can’t wait to see me anymore.

 

Did you not keep these text messages?

[charlietheginger]

stay as far away as possible

Any one that accuses you of rape

Is not your friend......

 

Stay away from both he and she......

[silvermercy]

Seek legal aid. See a specialised lawyer. If you can't leave this behind you, you will need a person to help you examine your options. Maybe you could re-open the kidnapping case again and, thus, evidence you have kept (texts, photos etc) will be used on the same trial. If you want to clear your name and leave a more peaceful life I see no other option. But your lawyer would advise you how to proceed. Remember: you are innocent and you have nothing to fear.

 

P.S. I hate women like these with a passion. A disgrace to genuine rape victims and good men everywhere.

[Radu]

Did you not keep these text messages?

 

D-Lish is spot on this one.

 

Considering that you have already alerted the police, contact a lawyer for a consultation and find out the following :

- will what happened at the Police remain on his permanent record [considering he is an adult now] ?

- establish a timeline for all of this information [your panic can be felt through your writing], and see if it can be used in court

- ask the lawyer if through the texts and contacts [FB contacts, messages, even conversations are logged by companies and can be subpoenad], can be used against her and him to establish your innocence

 

This may seem like i am paranoid but i have been in your shoes.

I got involved at some point with several crazies, and i know perfectly well why she did this [paranoid that she will not be seen as an unspoiled virgin by him ... he probably knows she isn't but it's a whole different thing to have proof in front of you], these women victimize themselves in order to preserve a perfect vision of themselves in the eyes of others.

She rewrote all of the encounters you had with her, she actually believes her allegations, and i would bet good money she would pass a lie detector test.

From what you said, she does not have a case ... but even if she cries 'rape' once on unfounded accusations, you will still be discriminated against [that's how the system works].

 

Your anxiety will go away the moment you have a battleplan against what she is doing.

And you need a battleplan [even more important if you live in a small town], to deal with this crazy.

Edited December 13, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[arakhand]

Frankly, i am not worried that she'd complain.

 

Those two guys and the girl are not going and complaining. However, they believe what she says is true and think i am wrong. If they complain, i am sure i can come out clean, once and for all. What to do about this?

 

I do not want to be losing the many friends we have in common. What do i tell if my friends ask me about that (if they know it already) and what do i tell my friends if they ask me why i am not hanging around with those guys since we were quite good friends before and were seen together often (if they do not know it already)?

 

Thanks a lot for your support.

[sweetkiwi]

Im so sorry about your situation. I can't imagine the anger/frustration/betrayal you must be feeling. I don't think you should lose friends over it either. And If i were you id keep your talk of it brief. Only state the truth. That it WAS consensual.

[arakhand]

Did you not keep these text messages?

 

After that abduction drama, i tried to completely forget about her, them and the incident. So, tried deleting every trace of her from my life. Hence, lost them. However, could restore a few IM chats.

[arakhand]

Your anxiety will go away the moment you have a battleplan against what she is doing.

And you need a battleplan [even more important if you live in a small town], to deal with this crazy.

 

The thing is she or he are not doing anything now. If there's some action/ movement from them then i think we can talk, debate, argue and finally things can settle down. Now, i do not have any idea if they have come to terms with what has happened and decided to move on in life or do they still want to confront me. Although, it seems highly likely that they have forgotten about this entirely and are living their lives peacefully. All of us live in different, large metropolitan cities.

[Radu]

Your logs can be restored.

FB/YM/MSN ... they all save the messages, for a while.

 

Being prepared for this is not the same as attacking.

 

Have you actually stood down and thought what will happen if this girl continues to tarnish your name ?

Discrimination in school, employment, housing.

If one more attack, who will pay for it ?

Not her, because you have no proof so far that she is the ringleader here.

Those 2 idiots will pay and she will go free.

 

Never underestimate the extent to which women will go to preserve their reputation.

If you don't believe me, ask your mother.

 

Be prepared, most likely they will not attempt again ... but do you want to lose a big chunk of your life to discrimination ?

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

 

My best friend when I was 16 pulled the same crap, on roughly the sane timeline.

 

The day after she lost her virginity we went shopping together to get the guy a birthday present. I remember it clear as day. She asked me if I was jealous. I wasn't (my career goal at the time was Catholic Nun LOL).

 

A year later she tries to get me to testify to the police that she had been through a traumatic rape that she had "confessed" to me that I "must've forgotten." She "could've sworn" she told me. Anytime I hear some say "I could've sworn" I bristle. I didn't back her up. She was full of ****.

[arakhand]

They have pretty much put this behind them and have moved on. Atleast that's what the police, my well wishers and my lawyer says. It's near impossible for them to go ahead legally as they had an opportunity to do so when the matter was with the police but they didn't and also now that it has been quite long. They hardly have a case after this much time atleast in Australia.

 

I, for some reason, was unable to put this behind me. They day when it happened, both of us had a choice. We could have or could not have done it. We just chose to do it. In hindsight, i wish i could have chosen not to do. All these days i felt helpless that i could not change the past.

 

Anyways, after a lot of convincing and talking to myself i feel i am over it and ready to march ahead in life. Thanks a lot for all the prompt replies, the support and the concern from people who i have never seen or met. I am indebted to this forum.