Who should be the one to move?

[CherryT]

As always, Cherry, you are full of insight.

 

It really does make more sense for him to come to me. I'm someone who gets very distraught if I don't see commas in my bank and savings accounts, and I don't like to rely on anyone. I just wish I didn't feel so selfish about it. He's told me not to worry, that he really doesn't mind moving. I guess when he comes this week we'll have lots to discuss.

 

It sounds like you have yourself in quite the pickle as well! When you tie yourself with a business and property it's very hard to just break away from it.

 

Good luck! We both need it.

 

Thank you! I try.

 

I don't think you should feel selfish about this because it's something you both should come to the conclusion about. Laying out the FACTS and decided based on those facts what is the best for both of you. if he says that he doesn't mind moving, let him move because that does look like the better option. You should prepare yourself to carry some of the load for some time until he is able to get up and running on his own. For you to do that too, is not selfish. You are both compromising for your relationship and that's healthy.

 

We are definitely in a pickle! I would move in a heartbeat but it's just not that easy. Such as HoH wrote, it's all about timing. The great thing is that you both are open to moving and that (to me anyway) is the biggest obstacle. When I talked to some other people I know in a LDR, they had no plans of closing the gap. They didn't want to talk about it because they knew that neither would want to move... that to me is sad because although you care/love that person, what really is the point then? You can't possibly be in a LDR forever. Whereas in your situation, it's just based on when is the right time and where to go? It's not a deadlock of you both saying "I would never move".

[FitChick]

What would he do for health care in the US? He is used to "free" care in Canada.

[FitChick]

Um...TN status is not quite as easy as it sounds. The requirements:

 

Loved this from your list:

 

"Note: The application requirements for citizens of Canada and Mexico, shown below are different. "

 

Yeah, if you're from Mexico none of the above matters!

[HeavenOrHell]

My LDR has no end, the point to it is that we love what have and can't give it up (yet), we've talked about moving and we can't, yes maybe we should split up because there's no 'point' to it, but we can't because we love each other and enjoy the time we spend together, and the daily contact we have.

 

 

 

Thank you! I try.

 

I don't think you should feel selfish about this because it's something you both should come to the conclusion about. Laying out the FACTS and decided based on those facts what is the best for both of you. if he says that he doesn't mind moving, let him move because that does look like the better option. You should prepare yourself to carry some of the load for some time until he is able to get up and running on his own. For you to do that too, is not selfish. You are both compromising for your relationship and that's healthy.

 

We are definitely in a pickle! I would move in a heartbeat but it's just not that easy. Such as HoH wrote, it's all about timing. The great thing is that you both are open to moving and that (to me anyway) is the biggest obstacle. When I talked to some other people I know in a LDR, they had no plans of closing the gap. They didn't want to talk about it because they knew that neither would want to move... that to me is sad because although you care/love that person, what really is the point then? You can't possibly be in a LDR forever. Whereas in your situation, it's just based on when is the right time and where to go? It's not a deadlock of you both saying "I would never move".

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry Cherry, if I sounded harsh in my post, just feeling gutted this eve as found out we can't meet over xmas as we can't afford the fare then.

[spareohs]

What would he do for health care in the US? He is used to "free" care in Canada.

 

If he were to come here, most likely we'd have to get hitched. Then he could get on my insurance plan. I feel weird thinking about getting married. Now I'm all freaked out. Haha. Thanks.

[CherryT]

My LDR has no end, the point to it is that we love what have and can't give it up (yet), we've talked about moving and we can't, yes maybe we should split up because there's no 'point' to it, but we can't because we love each other and enjoy the time we spend together, and the daily contact we have.

 

What I mean is, I believe there's a difference between "I can't" and "I won't". If ultimately you want to be together in the same city, but you can't at that time, then of course! The relationship is absolutely worth fighting for until you can come to that conclusion. However, if you want marriage, kids, etc and be together but both parties WON'T move because they want to stay in their own city and there's no budging... I really don't see what the 'point' because what you eventually want and what you're both willing to give is not matching up. That's the unfortunate reality.

 

But if you decide that you want to continue a relationship whether you see an end in sight because that's what you want, then that's absolutely fine too. I'm not saying it's not. I'm speaking on my experience and what I want in a relationship (marriage, kids, etc) and if all facts point to that not being possible, then... I would need to come to the realization that what I want and can get from this relationship is not going to happen. If neither of us are willing to budge and we can't come to an agreement... and we want to build a life with our partner, have kids, etc but are unwilling to close the gap? then yes, I don't see a point. Because as much as we love/care for that person, it just isn't going to work.

 

My point is that, spareohs and her BF has come to the conclusion that both are willing to move, but they have to hash out the details on what is better for the both of them. It's sad to say, but some of my friends that I see in a LDR who want the kids, marriage etc but know they will never close the gap are setting themselves up for disappointment because eventually when do they say "This is what I want and we can't do it together?".

[spareohs]

Thank you! I try.

 

I don't think you should feel selfish about this because it's something you both should come to the conclusion about. Laying out the FACTS and decided based on those facts what is the best for both of you. if he says that he doesn't mind moving, let him move because that does look like the better option. You should prepare yourself to carry some of the load for some time until he is able to get up and running on his own. For you to do that too, is not selfish. You are both compromising for your relationship and that's healthy.

 

We are definitely in a pickle! I would move in a heartbeat but it's just not that easy. Such as HoH wrote, it's all about timing. The great thing is that you both are open to moving and that (to me anyway) is the biggest obstacle. When I talked to some other people I know in a LDR, they had no plans of closing the gap. They didn't want to talk about it because they knew that neither would want to move... that to me is sad because although you care/love that person, what really is the point then? You can't possibly be in a LDR forever. Whereas in your situation, it's just based on when is the right time and where to go? It's not a deadlock of you both saying "I would never move".

 

 

Lately I've been getting really frustrated and on the brink of giving up. I realize that I am not the best personality type for an LDR, and I feel like the uncertainty it brings makes me go crazy. I don't like the idea of the end date being pushed back constantly. I know I'm 23, and I shouldn't be in any rush, but not having any real plans set in stone really upsets super planner me. I know not every couple can move easily. I feel so fortunate that hopefully I can make this work. Now, what he says, and what he does are two completely different things, so we'll see how this goes.

 

How long have you and your SO been together?

[CherryT]

If he were to come here, most likely we'd have to get hitched. Then he could get on my insurance plan. I feel weird thinking about getting married. Now I'm all freaked out. Haha. Thanks.

 

It's good to think about it but not fantasize . Being in a LDR have made me become a realist. I've never had such candid, open conversations with anyone else in my life... because that's all we got. Communication.

[spareohs]

My LDR has no end, the point to it is that we love what have and can't give it up (yet), we've talked about moving and we can't, yes maybe we should split up because there's no 'point' to it, but we can't because we love each other and enjoy the time we spend together, and the daily contact we have.

 

Sorry Cherry, if I sounded harsh in my post, just feeling gutted this eve as found out we can't meet over xmas as we can't afford the fare then.

 

HoH, I'm sorry to hear about that. My plans fell through a few weeks ago, and I know how upsetting that is. You love your SO, and I have no doubt you guys will come out stronger than ever. Keep your head up, even though it's so hard. It'll be okay, and the next visit will be even better.

[CherryT]

Sorry Cherry, if I sounded harsh in my post, just feeling gutted this eve as found out we can't meet over xmas as we can't afford the fare then.

 

No I'm sorry! Sometimes I don't realize that I can also come off as harsh or too black/white. Ugh! Bummer about the fare... why can't it be cheaper? I even went as far as calling airlines and asking if they would give me a special rate if I booked a ticket with them once a month/once every two months.... no luck.

 

***Hugs*** I know you and your SO love each other so much. You will work through it because you both want the same thing

[HeavenOrHell]

I understand what you're saying.

We're in our 40's, kids aren't on the cards, and neither of us are into marriage, but we are into long term committed r/ships.

But yes you're right it all depends what we want from our r/ships, I would be happy just living close enough to see him every weekend, that to me would be luxury! Me and my partner both have our reasons for not being able to move, solid reasons which we can't really alter at the moment, we don't know if that will change or not.

I guess we've learned to live in the moment and not look ahead, but obviously it's hard at times.

We tried splitting up and that didn't work out too well

 

 

What I mean is, I believe there's a difference between "I can't" and "I won't". If ultimately you want to be together in the same city, but you can't at that time, then of course! The relationship is absolutely worth fighting for until you can come to that conclusion. However, if you want marriage, kids, etc and be together but both parties WON'T move because they want to stay in their own city and there's no budging... I really don't see what the 'point' because what you eventually want and what you're both willing to give is not matching up. That's the unfortunate reality.

 

But if you decide that you want to continue a relationship whether you see an end in sight because that's what you want, then that's absolutely fine too. I'm not saying it's not. I'm speaking on my experience and what I want in a relationship (marriage, kids, etc) and if all facts point to that not being possible, then... I would need to come to the realization that what I want and can get from this relationship is not going to happen. If neither of us are willing to budge and we can't come to an agreement... and we want to build a life with our partner, have kids, etc but are unwilling to close the gap? then yes, I don't see a point. Because as much as we love/care for that person, it just isn't going to work.

 

My point is that, spareohs and her BF has come to the conclusion that both are willing to move, but they have to hash out the details on what is better for the both of them. It's sad to say, but some of my friends that I see in a LDR who want the kids, marriage etc but know they will never close the gap are setting themselves up for disappointment because eventually when do they say "This is what I want and we can't do it together?".

[HeavenOrHell]

Aw, thank you

It sucks that travel companies charge more around holiday times, even though they're already making a load more from the higher number of passengers

((((((hugs)))))) back

 

 

No I'm sorry! Sometimes I don't realize that I can also come off as harsh or too black/white. Ugh! Bummer about the fare... why can't it be cheaper? I even went as far as calling airlines and asking if they would give me a special rate if I booked a ticket with them once a month/once every two months.... no luck.

 

***Hugs*** I know you and your SO love each other so much. You will work through it because you both want the same thing

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you honey, I'm just being greedy as xmas would've been an extra visit. Sorry your plans fell through, it is hard to not let it get to you.

You keep your head up too, things will work out

 

 

HoH, I'm sorry to hear about that. My plans fell through a few weeks ago, and I know how upsetting that is. You love your SO, and I have no doubt you guys will come out stronger than ever. Keep your head up, even though it's so hard. It'll be okay, and the next visit will be even better.

[xxoo]

I don't think I'm worth uprooting his entire life for.

 

This stuck out to me....

 

Are you fully committed to this relationship?

 

Is either of you a bigger fan of adventure? Would either of you enjoy the adventure of moving to a new place, regardless of the relationship reason? That would be the best person to move, if you don't feel 100% committed.

[CherryT]

Lately I've been getting really frustrated and on the brink of giving up. I realize that I am not the best personality type for an LDR, and I feel like the uncertainty it brings makes me go crazy. I don't like the idea of the end date being pushed back constantly. I know I'm 23, and I shouldn't be in any rush, but not having any real plans set in stone really upsets super planner me. I know not every couple can move easily. I feel so fortunate that hopefully I can make this work. Now, what he says, and what he does are two completely different things, so we'll see how this goes.

 

How long have you and your SO been together?

 

 

We've been together for 6ish months. We see each other ever 2-4 weeks, so we've had a lot of face time together. We're also spending 3 weeks together (Christmas/New Years). We've met each others families (intermediate and extended) and our close friends/family knows it's pretty close to the real deal, just distance for now. We haven't been together for long, but it's the most real relationship with so much depth that I've ever had. I guess when we do reach that point where we're ready to move etc, I could say that I knew pretty much from the beginning that he was something special.

[Life'sGood]

Hello! I am now back from meeting my SO, our trip was supposed to be for 5 days and 4 nights but it was cut short on his side because he had to leave. I was devastated! We have everything planned. Next time, I wouldn't put too much hope in anything because I realised now that plans can change ANYTIME! I cried myself to sleep the day he told me he had to go.

 

I am trying to be more optimistic now. At least we get to spend that few moments together and I really appreciate them. Now, it's March and April! Dates are not set yet, but he might be coming to visit me and meet my family!

[Life'sGood]

Hello! I am now back from meeting my SO, our trip was supposed to be for 5 days and 4 nights but it was cut short on his side because he had to leave. I was devastated! We have everything planned. Next time, I wouldn't put too much hope in anything because I realised now that plans can change ANYTIME! I cried myself to sleep the day he told me he had to go.

 

I am trying to be more optimistic now. At least we get to spend that few moments together and I really appreciate them. Now, it's March and April! Dates are not set yet, but he might be coming to visit me and meet my family!

 

Hmmm... I posted that in a wrong thread and I don't know how to delete it!

[spareohs]

We've been together for 6ish months. We see each other ever 2-4 weeks, so we've had a lot of face time together. We're also spending 3 weeks together (Christmas/New Years). We've met each others families (intermediate and extended) and our close friends/family knows it's pretty close to the real deal, just distance for now. We haven't been together for long, but it's the most real relationship with so much depth that I've ever had. I guess when we do reach that point where we're ready to move etc, I could say that I knew pretty much from the beginning that he was something special.

 

Aww, that is so good that you're able to spend a lot of time together. It seems like you really know what you want, and are being smart and realistic in obtaining it. And so lucky with three whole weeks together! I pick mine up from the airport on Thursday and hopefully we'll be able to have a really good discussion and get some of the details ironed out. These LDRs sure are hard work.

[CherryT]

Aww, that is so good that you're able to spend a lot of time together. It seems like you really know what you want, and are being smart and realistic in obtaining it. And so lucky with three whole weeks together! I pick mine up from the airport on Thursday and hopefully we'll be able to have a really good discussion and get some of the details ironed out. These LDRs sure are hard work.

 

I think sometimes I contradict myself because I want this passionate, extraordinary love where you don't think you just do... but I am also a planner. I try to find the balance between the two. I honestly don't think I would find another like him... the way we click, what we want in life, what we are passionate about is so in line with one another. I wouldn't give him up just because of distance. That's a realization I've come to... and I'm sure you have yours about your SO.

 

But even then, I'm treating this like he was in my city. If I met someone in my city that I hit it off with like this, there are still some important things we would have to be inline with. If I met someone who was almost perfect but they didn't want children, that's a deal breaker for me. So I just try and balance what I would normally do in a non LDR into mine. Because ultimately, the only difference in our relationships is the distance and that could be changed. You ultimately still need to be on the same page and want the same things to have a successful partnership. I've been hurt in the past and being happy is also being honest with what you want.

 

I hope you and your bf get a chance to talk next week but also have some fun too! These talks are deep and is so important that making time for light fun too can help move it along.

[waterfallfalldown]

I'm glad you did a pros and cons list and are being very realistic about it. I have been in and out of ldr relationships. Somehow, I seem to find far away men the best kind of men. Anyway... I am also 23 and my bf now is 22. He moved in with me temporarily. Our deciding factors were who was more able to move and had less attachments to their current scenery. I had a job to keep in mind and he is still finishing college and co-ops. His situation was less restrictive than mine. He was more than willing to live with me and things have been flowing smoothly since we moved in together. I do sometimes miss that space, though. I am one of those commitment phobes - probably why ldrs appeal to me a bit. I get to be free and independent from my partner! Luckily, he's the type who is also independent and I can still do my own thing. I would be careful on moving in with someone you don't get to see regularly. I would spend a month at a time with mine before we moved in together. We got to know each others' living habits well and realized we could stay in the same location for prolonged periods with minimal upset. It is scary to move in with anyone... let alone someone who you must travel a great distance to be with. Don't be too scared, but be logical and discuss it with him very plainly and honestly. Get his input and see his reactions. Maybe you could find some sort of internship or co-op and do a sort of trial run by moving in with him in Canada while gaining some experience and hopefully making a little money. Stay for about that 6 months or so and then decide from there if it's really what you want without getting too stringed up to the location. That is how I would probably approach the situation, personally.

[spareohs]

I wanted to thank everyone for all of their support and advice, and to give a quick update.

 

He came in on Thursday, and we had a really good visit. He just left a few hours ago. I hate getting back to reality.

 

Anyway, it's official! Our next visit is March 1, and then on June 1st, I'll be driving to Canada to bring him back with me to live in Texas.

 

He loved it here - the city and the food. The music, people, atmosphere. He met my friends and everyone gave me their seal of approval! We are moving forward. Life is too short to be without the one you love.

 

Again, thank you so much everyone, you gave me the courage to approach this conversation, and it went much better than I could have ever hoped.

[CherryT]

I wanted to thank everyone for all of their support and advice, and to give a quick update.

 

He came in on Thursday, and we had a really good visit. He just left a few hours ago. I hate getting back to reality.

 

Anyway, it's official! Our next visit is March 1, and then on June 1st, I'll be driving to Canada to bring him back with me to live in Texas.

 

He loved it here - the city and the food. The music, people, atmosphere. He met my friends and everyone gave me their seal of approval! We are moving forward. Life is too short to be without the one you love.

 

Again, thank you so much everyone, you gave me the courage to approach this conversation, and it went much better than I could have ever hoped.

 

This is so great to hear!!! Congratulations on closing the distance and making sure you make the right decision for both of you. Your education, career and love seem to be in good places.