To meet or not

[livin]

I am the married woman who was emotionally (not physically) involved with the married man. I happened like this

I am a gamer (dont laugh) and play an online rpg. I met him online while playing this game together. I spend at least an hr or two a night on this game, and we were in a guild (a group that plays together). So, our time was often together. We chatted a lot as we played, and found ourselves very much alike dispite a ten yr age differance (hes 27, im 37) Same music tasts, same activities enjoyed, similar school backgrounds ect. We also found that we were both sitting at stalemated in our marriage. Im here for my 3 kids. He has no reason, they simply live two differnt lives as he puts it. He was vert confidant and cocky, as I can be as well, and we were the power couple on the game so to speak lol. This went on for months, and we were strickyl friends for a long time. I made it clear that I couldnt let myself fall for him, Id walk away first. He finally broke me down one night saying we owed it to ourselves to see where this could lead, that we deserved to be happy. I reluctantly agreed, and I was officially his "girlfriend" to all that new us on game. Nothing changed we still talked and played for hrs and also talked and texted most of the day. I didnt care that he was married, we were simply giving one another something we were both lacking, a person to talk to and vent to and knew all our dirty secrets without ever judging. He was my best friend and my confidant.

5 months into this "online relationship" I caught him flirting with another girl we played with online and busted him on it, to her and all our friends. It got ugly to say the least. I droped him and he actually ended up getting caught by his wife who booted him out. He ended up moving in with the other girl, and had the nerve to bring her to my home town wanting us to all meet and talk. I refused. It got pretty ugly, his wife ended up contacting me(found the number on the bill) and I told her everything. In return he contacted my husband and did the same.

Fast forward almost 5 months. I heard through mutual friends he was in a bad way, and living at home with his mom, him and the other girl broke it off. I felt bad for what all went down with us and admitedly, I missed my best friend. I extended an olive branch and sent him a message saying I was worried about him and how truly sorry I was we ruined our friendship wanted the best for him. Two days later I got a call from him at work. It was a very akqward conversation, and I admit I didnt trust him so I was very leary in saying anything he could use against me later. He apologised and we spoke briefly on what was going on. I had mended things with my husband, and he was working on his wife. since then we have been talking again, I have made sure to not let it cross the line best I can. there are the occasional referrances to the "old days" but thats it.

He knows I am going to be in his town in 4 months. We have never met in person, only through phone. Ill have friends with me, and 2 of my daughters.( I am purposely taking people with me to make sure I am not alone in a hotel room lol) He wants to meet for coffee and to mend our friendship. I really want to, but I am also VERY scared of it. This man meant the world to me, and is still my best friend and soul mate. Every dirty secret of my life, he knows and vice versa. We are so damn alike its scary, and frankly, I dont trust myself with him. On the other hand, Id kick myself for not seeing him after all we've been through and done to one another.

 

Any thoughts or suggesting on how to handle this. If I meet him, how do I protect myself, from myself?

[whichwayisup]

I read your other post..

 

Okay, don't meet this guy. It's only going to cause more strife between you and your husband, and between him and his wife.

 

This friendship isn't worth losing your marriage and what you share with your husband.. Focus your love and energy into your husband, kids, family and other true friends.. Not some guy that you don't really know (online).. To create and pursue a friendship with him is only asking for trouble in your marriage and it'll interfer with what you feel towards your husband since you did have an EA with this online guy aleady.

[whichwayisup]

He knows I am going to be in his town in 4 months. We have never met in person, only through phone. Ill have friends with me, and 2 of my daughters.( I am purposely taking people with me to make sure I am not alone in a hotel room lol) He wants to meet for coffee and to mend our friendship. I really want to, but I am also VERY scared of it. This man meant the world to me, and is still my best friend and soul mate. Every dirty secret of my life, he knows and vice versa. We are so damn alike its scary, and frankly, I dont trust myself with him. On the other hand, Id kick myself for not seeing him after all we've been through and done to one another.

 

Any thoughts or suggesting on how to handle this. If I meet him, how do I protect myself, from myself?

 

Reverse the situation. How would you feel if your husband was in your shoes? I'm sure you wouldn't want him getting close and bonding with another woman, let alone one that he feels something for, feels she's his soul mate and best friend.

 

This friendship is toxic, unhealthy and a cancer to your marriage. You know this and you know this is wrong which is why you're scared and making sure others will be around so you won't be alone with him. you're avoiding putting yourself in that situation which WILL lead to other things, and you could end up in bed with him.

 

Your husband would NOT approve of this, yet I think you know this already.

[livin]

My marriage is honestly not a factor in this atm. My husband and I cohabitate, thats all. We have no relationship and I do not say anything about female friends he has, or even ones he goes and sees. His best friend is a woman, who has told him she wouldnt mind hooking up if he ever felt the desire, and to be honest, it didnt bother me a bit. Im here to support my kids and give them a stable home. We havent had a "marriage" in ten years since his affair, we're simply roomates at this point.

[ThatJustHappened]

Then why don't you just tell your husband?

[livin]

Probably out of respect, just like he doesnt tell me of his convesations ect with his best friend. In 10 yrs, she's only called him 2 times when he was actually at home, she only calls him during his work hours.

[Pierre]

My marriage is honestly not a factor in this atm. My husband and I cohabitate, thats all. We have no relationship and I do not say anything about female friends he has, or even ones he goes and sees. His best friend is a woman, who has told him she wouldnt mind hooking up if he ever felt the desire, and to be honest, it didnt bother me a bit. Im here to support my kids and give them a stable home. We havent had a "marriage" in ten years since his affair, we're simply roomates at this point.

 

Obviously he has an OW taking care of him.

 

So you are seeking a MOM to take care of you.

 

Nevertheless, I suspect you will end up hurting big time. Your MOM is 27 and with no kids. And yet he remains married. I suspect his marriage is not as bad as yours.

[alexandria35]

I agree withh LadyGrey. The whole thing sounds like a fantasy your head that you are trying to keep alive. You have never met him, you have both done dirty rotten things to each other like ratting each other out just to get revenge but you think he is your soulmate and you love him? I think you just don't want to deal with the reality of your life which is that you have a lousy marriage and you are unhappy with your husband. The online fantasy guy could be anyone because he is just a romantic distraction from the things you are actually unhappy about.

 

You say you mended things with your husband. How did you do that exactly? And if your marriage is as dead and unloving as you say it is why did you feel like you had to mend things? I mean if you don't care what your husband does and he doesn't care about you then why did the fantasy online guy ever have to be a secret in the first place? I think you are doing yourself and your family a diservice in pursuing nonsense instead of fixing what is right under your nose. Not saying you have to love your husband but if you don't then end the marriage so everyone can get on with their lives. Lots of people with kids divorce and still manage to be good parents and give their children a good upbringing.

[Mrs.Dee]

 

You say you mended things with your husband. How did you do that exactly? And if your marriage is as dead and unloving as you say it is why did you feel like you had to mend things? I mean if you don't care what your husband does and he doesn't care about you then why did the fantasy online guy ever have to be a secret in the first place? I think you are doing yourself and your family a diservice in pursuing nonsense instead of fixing what is right under your nose. Not saying you have to love your husband but if you don't then end the marriage so everyone can get on with their lives. Lots of people with kids divorce and still manage to be good parents and give their children a good upbringing.

I actually disagree in many cases on this one and thinks that it is actually a kind thing of the parents to try to provide a stable home for the kids which is innocent in the grown up matters.

Yes they can manage to be good parents, but it is a very stressful situation to have 2 different homes to relate to for children, and I think it should be avoided unless the marriage is so ****ty that it involves too much fighting , abuse etc.

[alexandria35]

I actually disagree in many cases on this one and thinks that it is actually a kind thing of the parents to try to provide a stable home for the kids which is innocent in the grown up matters.

Yes they can manage to be good parents, but it is a very stressful situation to have 2 different homes to relate to for children, and I think it should be avoided unless the marriage is so ****ty that it involves too much fighting , abuse etc.

 

Well there are a couple of schools of thought about this and all have merit and value so I'm not going to disagree with you. I have seen divorces that have completely devastated families and hurt the children terribly and I've seen divorces where both parents really made the kids a priority and things turned out rather well. One family I know had the mom staying in the marital home with the kids and the dad bought himself another house just a block away. Mom and dad stay in close touch with each other regarding childrearing and the kids still see both of them everyday. So decent divorces can happen although I know divorces can also turn very ugly and nasty and the kids get caught in the crossfire.

 

I agree with you that if the parents can be respectful of one another and be amicable enough to provide a calm and supportive household to the children then that might be a good thing provided that both parents are on board with that and not seething with resentment and feeling like they are trapped in a loveless marriage. However once cheating and lying and sneaking enter the picture then this is no longer a respectful union and it will become toxic to the whole family. If the parents have an agreement to stay together for the kids sake and have maturely discussed exactly what that means and what the boundaries are going to be I say fine, more power to them, but then they need to respect the agreement and not take it as a license to go engage in hurtful deceitful behavior that they know darn well is going to hurt the kids, the same kids that they are supposedly staying married for.

[BrokenPrincess]

You don't mention it, but I'm assuming you've seen pictures of him? Are you on any social media together? Do you do video calls, Skype, FaceTime etc?

 

Just wondering to what degree you "know" him...just looks or his mannerisms, body language etc too? It's very possible you might not even feel attracted to him when you experience the reality of him live & in the flesh.

[RickFox]

How can you have gotten mad at him for flirting with another woman ON LINE???? You two aren't together, you're not exclusive, he doesn't owe you an explanation nor do you owe him one for anything.

 

You have no married life, you exist together, and your kids see this and take it all in as to how a relationship is supposed to be...... That's not stability.

 

This whole thing is a fantasy, just like the online games you play, it's best left in that world and you need to find a new reality.

[Mrs.Dee]

Have you personally been divorced with kids?

 

As someone who has, the best thing I did for my kids was divorce their father. Kids should have a healthy marriage as a model, not the dysfunction and tension that selfish people subject their children to. A stable home doesn't = a 2 parent home.

Have you ever switched between homes every week for years and years to come?

 

 

Anyway, many make the choices you have done, and for really dysfunctional marriages, like if there is alot of fighting or physically or psychological abuse, it is with no doubt the best solutionfor everyone.

 

Of course we all deserves to be happy, but some parents actually put their childrens happiness before their own, and I think that is an admirable thing to do.

Edited December 7, 2012 by Mrs.Dee